I hear people talking but I just never listen...I keep walking towards you because I'm hoping you'll be different...my hearts heavy over you and I can't quite explain it...you make me a better man even if I never say it...you ain't even my woman but in my soul I see the truth...you're a real woman that's why I feel I must pursue you...you ain't got a heart but somehow you captured mine...dumb niggas always get caught up with the same lines...your beauty isn't matched because somehow all I see is you...in a crowd of 100 people my eyes always seem to drift to you...sometimes I think you want me...but I know better than to fall for your kindness...but the man in me can't help but walk towards you in pure blindness...these words to you are empty and probably mean nothing...but you deserve better than the man who came along before...I've said it once and I'll say it once more...I know you don't want me but I'm a man that can show you what you've been waiting for... -Haze
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I feel like everyday I'm getting closer But you are on a slow moving train My heart's saying keep going
But my minds saying each step is in vain
I've been told more than once your wasting your time
You're just going to get hurt don't drive yourself insane
But as much as I want to listen I keep walking towards her
In hopes that something will change
Thursday, November 17, 2011
<p>She is the sum of what my sights see<br>
The totality of what might be <br>
The essence of beauty regardless of what you might think <br>
The phrase you are what I want is could make my heart sink <br>
Rejection is so common so numbing its a shame <br>
The killing of what could have been your exes are to blame <br>
I'm not man of fancy phrases to draw you in <br>
Sadly I'm the man you look past calling him just a friend <br>
Telling the world you can't see us, is an answer <br>
But to my ears the repetitive tone is like a cancer <br>
Killing without reason or even a early warning sign <br>
You killed the thought of us before you even tried <br>
I'm grateful for the thought but fuck it I'll move on
It just sucks to keep hearing that same damn sad song...
They've told me to wait for her
Just wait be patient
She'll come when she's ready
Arrive when my heart doesn't feel so heavy
The barrier of my soul and keeper of my spark
Will my heart fall and drop into the dark
The blinding sight of heartbreak can make a man see
The terrible scars of loves battle can make a man weak
And the memories of what was can silence a man speech
She can make him strong like the mountians or feed off him like a leech
She can be my love bird or the hateful bat of deceit Loves a war won by few who ever cast a stone
The goal isn't be triumphant as sit upon the throne
Because the victor is a killer and victim is a martyr
The flame engulfed everything who cares who's the starter
The winners are the ones who travel the thin line
Balancing each others weight with a thin twine
With God as the center everything should be fine
A true man with true strength is very hard to find
A real woman with raw beauty not just on the outside
So here I am impatiently waiting for the bus
The bus is a metaphor for us
The issue with us is it requires you to be here
I'm a man of one number and its always the same
I'm waiting for your move, show me you are more than a name...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
His words to me is learn contentment...because I have been given everything, everything and I'm still ungrateful for all he has given me. The blessings I've been given are truly Blessings and my ungratefulness: Over being so far from home, thinking i dont have any friends, saying that all I look forward to is sleep, over being single, thinking that I am ready for this and that; this thinking is what is causing this discontentment. I look around and see all these happy people in relationships or with children, they have cars, and homes, they go out and party with there friends and I ask myself where's mine?? Where's my joy and contentment that show that I am blessed? And ungrateful and envious me took for granted the blessings that God had planted in my life...
The roof over my head, the bed I sleep in at night, having 2 jobs in a terrible economy, the clothes on my back, the food and water I have everyday, the loving people around me who don't know me but love me anyway. Its time I took a good look in the mirror and saw that when God is ready, not when I think I am ready, but when God is ready will he bless me in ways unforeseen. I mean take a look at what he's already done...I never saw any of what is happening now coming...
I understand, now it's time to show what I have learned....
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My father never showed me my inner strength, partly because he wasn't taught his inner strength existed. My father taught me fear, mostly because he grew up scared himself. I always wondered why my dog was so fearful, I understand now, her master was fearful. I was never validated as a man by my father. In all actuality I was emasculated by him, verbally. I have so much anger and shame towards him mostly because of my constant unanswered questions about myself, my abilities, my manhood. Well they were answered...just every answer was always that I wasn't strong enough, that I didn't belong with the rest of strong men of the world, that I wasn't dangerous, that I wasn't powerful, that in the worlds eyes I was prey. The older I became the more I began to recognize that he was more fearful and defeated than I ever felt. I began to feel like he had failed me as father, I began to shun and disown him. Not once did he ever show me how to face my fears. Never did he ever praise me for my power or skill. I heard that he was proud of me but never believed him. After writing this I feel as though I have much to discuss with God.
First lesson is forgiveness...
Second lesson is unlearning all the painful lessons that he taught me....
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I'm inaffatuated with her, a coworker, well two coworkers.
One I can not wait to see or hear from or just talk to.
The other i wish the time existed for us
The 1st does so much for me its hard not to love her, well be inaffatuated with lol
The 2nd I just crave a what I can not have, sounds all too familiar.
The 1st is 6 1/2 years older than me yet we see eye to eye on almost everything
The 2nd is 2 months younger than me ,95% just like me, except that 5% percent I do not know yet
I want the 1st but I question whether I want her because I am incredibly lonely in NY or if I geniuely want her
I've wanted the 2nd for 10 months and am starting to believe the people around me were right about her...
Women...they arent the center of my universe...but what is Adam without Eve?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
can tell me what ive been looking for all along...
but the following people deserve and apology and my forgiveness
1. Jessica Aybar
2. Hassan Omar Sr
3. Sabrina Bamberger
4. Christena Hylton
check out this book
Wild at Heart or Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
PS: I wasn't able to finish this post because someone was rushing me. This book is strong, powerful and dangerous to read. If you don't approach this book the correct way it could possibly do more damage...I guess what I am trying to say is if you have ever read a single post by me on here go back to the post el roto hero after reading the first 7 chapters of Wild at Heart and it will all make sense...
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Well as of today I have been in New York for 2 months and what do I have to show for all my efforts at beginning life a New (York)? well I figured it goes soemthing like this...
I have been here for 2 months I have 2 jobs both pay but one is about to triple in pay assuming that I actuualy get some shifts.
I live at the Timothy Hill Children's Ranch in Riverhead. They want me to work for them as a Per Diem Monitoring Specialist, basically watch over and mentor the boys at the ranch during my shift. This job is gonna pay very well. 12.54 AN HOUR...nice right!? Well the job is very stressful and Im not dealing with one child I am dealing with about 8-12 unruly teenage boys. I feel like this may be to much for me but I know that God never puts you in a situation you can not handle. So I've been on the ropes about this whole thing. I know the whole ordeal will always workout in my favor but I am just not sure what to make of this just yet. For now its an opportunity that I'd be retarded to not jump on.
Now I also work at Skechers at Tanger out here. Skechers is fufilling believe it or not. Very much so fufilling. But only
On thursday I decided to mix my beer with my liquors...I went to some house out somewhere on this damned island. It was this guys birthday, I supposedly did all of the following.
- I won seven games of beer pong with a partner nice right but I was drinking all the beer...so thats how many cups of beer if each game was 10 cups???
- I got this chicks number and didnt remember the next day
- I ran through someones yard, thru a wall of bushes across a field and back to the house to get my hoodie which was left at the party
- I pissed this guy off cuz I kept playing in his girl friends hair lmao
- I had a mixed drink that tasted like birthday cake
- I apparently had a few shots of captain morgan
- I had like three beers before I played beer pong, this i remember!
- I couldn't pee all night, but was throwing my brains out in a bag with the handles around my ears at 7-11
- I woke up in sabrinas room on the floor in clothes I didnt recognize
- I was told all of the things above once I woke up
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
no one does...
no one took the time...or I never gave anyone the chance...
what does that feel like?
I've always wondered...will I ever know?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I'm not in school (-__-) but its okay it appears God has a different plan in mind for me than what I had. You know they say man plans and God laughs. I have a job now with sketchers. I am looking for a second to make a way for me to move out of the ranch. I want to save my money to put towards repairing my car. We shall see what happens right?
I am 21 and single, awesome! (this is said with sarcasm by the way)
I realized that I have such high expectations for myself that it literally takes somebody else to tell me I am doing just fine for me to realize wtf I have. I have been here for 4 weeks and some of the boys want me to work here and so do some of the staff. Well for some reason I feel like her opinion is bit biased, lol.
til next time
peace, love & faith
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!
So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.
I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...
Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.
I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.
I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.
I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...
Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...
I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...
Peace, Love, and Faith
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
- I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
- I have gained a sense of self
- I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
- I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
- I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
- I understand my own thought patterns
- no kids
- no criminal record
- a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
- good health
- good looks(i have an ego too you know)
- and EVERY MOMENT IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
- I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
- I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
- I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
- I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)
though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...
In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...
i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!
But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Dre's back in town, and man things is moving like crazy out here
My boy Mike is divorced ALREADY after being married for only 2 and half months he's gotta wait an entire year before all this shit is over
Jessica speaks to me again which is awesome, gotta say i missed hearing from her
i really like Alex more and more,
i feel like Gaby is probably gonna be my next girl
the crew is falling apart cuz im leaving next month
my brother might be moving to chicago to live with my father next year
my car is being left behind in GA and im moving to NEW YORK
i went to the studio this past week and all i wanted to do was produce Dres track like i used to and it killed me to not be able to
im considering joining Peacecorps after I get my BA
my houses waterheater has broken twice in 2 weeks so that means we have no hot water...
the best part about this is, is that my mom is slowly becoming herself again...
i feel blank today...and all i wanna do is smile but right now theres nothing in my heart that says Hassan Smile...
Monday, June 20, 2011
Hahah I'm so happy and it's strange I don't long for anyone, u don't want anyone, I'm grateful for so much more in my life than I have ever been in my entire life.
I nearly died three times in my 21 years on this planet and seriously each time is lesson. Two of which were car accidents.
It's fathers day and he's out in Chicago and honestly on this day he's crossed my mind three times other than during the course of writing this shit down. I've been away from you. I've been drinking and smoking again... I've been loving my friends and enjoying the time I have left here. Something is coming...I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, my heart says it's coming, idk what it is but it's coming. I just hope that when it gets here I'm ready to play my part and do what's right.
Years have passed and honestly you still cross my mind...
At this point I don't even know who you are anymore. I wish I did, I wish things were different, I wish so much some times I think it's just me speaking about things that God ignores. You aren't my hope, you don't haunt my dreams anymore, my biggest fear is not becoming the man that you wished you had stayed with. My greatest fear is becoming less than who I know I am to become. All I'm going on right now is hope and a prayer that when I land in NEW YORK that everything just gradually gets better and better for me...
I'm so scared of failing myself, my family, and most importantly not living up to my expectations of myself...
Friday, June 17, 2011
if i could...
id call you...
in a perfect world, you'd pick up the phone...
Life is happening so fucking fast it aint funny... My mother raised me to be a simple man...but my father tried to mold me into a complex person...
which lesson to rely on??
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
the first is in NY and honestly I am not sure if that piece needs to be returned but it was,
the second is here in GA
and so is the third.
She was the first woman I ever loved outside of family and in many ways still has a major influence I should say in my destiny going forward because of what we went through together and apart. My best friend. As I mentioned a long time ago back in December or January, I don't quite remember which, She apologized for the pain she caused me. I look back it now and realize that she was giving me the words I needed to hear just in the best way that she could have ever put it.
I got the 2nd piece of me back last week.
Its almost incredibly heartbreaking that I lost it in the first place...
So this is to you, number 2
You took a lot from me. You made me question everything about myself from my heritage to my own thoughts and feelings. You stole my confidence from me. You took everything that I thought I knew about myself and destroyed it. But most importantly you killed my pride. I know that Pride is a sin, but as men we all have one. Its just something I believe everyone has as well. You killed my pride what made me tick. My confidence soon followed and honestly for about 4 years I hated you for it. I look back at things now and really want to thank you for what you did. I am so much better now because of what you did...correction "what I allowed you to do to me" I understand now that I hold equal responsibility in the harm you caused because I should have fought harder to preserve those parts of myself in the first place. So from you i gained so much more than what I lost. All I wanna say now is thank you for helping me become a better person. I forgive you...don't be sorry for what you did, because you didn't know what you did in the first place...
The third piece my trust well she took it, honestly I'm still not sure just how much trust I had in her because of my own fears, self doubts, the lack of confidence and misguided mistrust from my previous relationship and on top of all of that my mental instability. One day I hope to have a moment in which we can talk like adults and atleast you have the understanding that I genuinely miss your friendship more than anything in the world...i don't care about your boyfriend I just hope you don't hate me...
this sums up my love life lol...
till next time...
oh PS Is it a bad thing that I waited this long to finally say IM NEVER DATING MY EXES AGAIN?
cuz when I said this to number 2 she got all emotional on me and blah blah blah...lol...just a thought
if I tell my friends an ex is an ex for a reason I should atlas follow my own proverbs right??
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I am worried and stressing every single day of my life except after I've had a drink or puff.
money is tight, everything is in limbo, i got questions and problems with no answers to be found so as of now...right now i put it all in God's Hands...
im supposed to be leaving behind so many of my friends down here in Atlanta and moving to New York July 29th<--- to be honest this is the first time I've actually placed a date on my departure...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
you made it hard for me to want another woman in my life beyond a sexual relationship
you made it hard for me to ever believe I would ever be good enough for anybody
you made it hard for me to believe I could make anyone happy
you made it hard for me to believe that I could ever be happy
you made it hard for me to believe I deserved to be happy
you made it hard for me to look anything from a woman in general
you made it harder for the next woman to come into my life
you made it hard for me to forget you
you made it hard for to let this go
you made it so very difficult to move on and let go of hope
you made it impossible to sleep at night
you made it difficult to just get through the day
you made it impossible to say that you didn't shape me into the man I am today
but what you didn't break and didn't change is my ability to see
and I see clearer now than I've ever seen before.
I wish I had known what I about myself now then that way things could possibly worked themselves out in a different way...who knows maybe we'd still be friends now...but you can not turn back time and honestly i wouldn't want to...had you and I continued doing what we were doing we'd both had ended up miserable...we wouldn't know the friends we have now that we know and love...yes life would probably have taken a horrible turn for disaster had we continued that relationship any further...it was...it was...it was a good run...a run that I will never forget even if you did I wont...maybe one day you'll read this one and realize this is to you...you broke my heart, you turned your back on me as though I had wronged you, you may even have done somethings that would make it impossible for us to ever be friends again(in your eyes because i don't care what you've done we're both adults here why be mad about anthers choices to be happy?) but i wouldn't hold any of that against you...i hope the next woman that I love is all you were to me and more...maybe these words are a little ego-boosting for you or putting you on a pedestal to some people but in honesty I'm not...you did a lot for me, ALOT, so far the best I ever had...all I'm saying is I want my next to be on another level...
im dragging on about nada again
lifes good, my job sucks, I move in 68 days, but most importantly my hearts in one piece and my mind is focused on whats in important in life...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
And I know its killing my mum to know and be in the position she is in right now
and all I can do is be strong for the both of you and pray, pray my heart out for you both...
for a long time ive wanted to feel something
and right now in this moment i feel strength
I feel duty, I feel proud, I feel like I have the ground beneath my feet again
I don't make promises very often but this one I'm making right now...
I gonna make everything better mum, I'm gonna take care of everything I promise you wont have to worry about money, your health, everything I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT ALL...you wont have to worry anymore...I promise
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tomorrow begins my last day on lithium carbonate and my first back to non-daily medication...
I am afraid of turning to the bottle...
alcohol that is...
I don't need a drink everyday...shit I go days at a time with out a drink but when I'm stressing like I am I do what I always do...
talk to God all day long, pray before bed...
and either medicate myself to sleep, smoke marijuana to fall asleep or lay awake in bed all night...
I will say that on a brighter note I officially mailed off my acceptance letter to SUNY Old Westbury in Old Westbury, NY...which means I am declining St Johns wonderful offer...I really wanted to go there but it appears that God has other plans for me...only time will tell how things unfold...
I will be leaving this summer what day I have no idea yet...
I am of course excited to move but fearful of the realizations to come...
I financial troubles here I maybe young but I my problems now...
I know running from your problems won't make them go away they will just follow you...
I really just want to get better...I know there is no such thing as better in my case but you know what I mean...
"One day at a time..."
ps...i REALLY, and I mean really like Gaby...random I know but hey im human...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I said, "I go anywhere in Atlanta and remember what we did there...now we don't even speak #bittersweet"
thus this post is in someway shape or form justified I guess...
because the memory of you is bittersweet...
For, dear Jesus, years now I've been trying to understand your silence.
I think I've put together a loose group of ideas to help me get past it.
1st off you do not want to admit you were wrong or anything you said was a lie or anything you said and or did was not entirely truthful
2nd We could never be just friends at some point the friendship would turn sexual again
3rd You did something after we were done that would make it impossible to even face me in normal conversation
4th You simply just never want to speak to me again, for reason you judge to be apparent and are directly in front of me
I don't know I hope one day we can at least talk even if its from a distance...2 years is a long time...
I dont need to say it...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
anyway if a pictures worth a thousand words then to me this picture is worth 10,000
theres nothing I wouldn't do for these two...we've been through a lot over the years and they've always had my back.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
Kicking me like a baby who kno I dont want it
I don't brag and don't boast and never flaunted
But everything ive done my dreams seem to be haunted
With memories of you and you and even you
Like a pussy with the flu
She's fucking dripping blue
I feel sick...
It must be the thought of you
Or even just the cost two
Me and her or him or you
Jealousy isn't my thang
2 years ago you had my brain
I fuck these girls yet sometimes I see you
Somebody tell what fuck to do
I feel sick...
Bad desicions seem to follow me
And people judge men on what they see
And I'm just a man of pride wit pearly white teeth
I got Heart use to pain and fist full of shame
Sadly sometimes I'm just happy you remembered my name
I feel sick...
Take a peak at what I see
Lies and deceit aren't what i see
My hell is fuckin a woman who never peaks
Slamming for hours without even a torn sheet
And she loves to use her teeth
She loves bite me til I bleed
Her twat I can not see
My bloods all over me
Face, hands, chest down to my feet
I feel sick...
Like i said I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
And if you gotta problem you try it if you want it
My will isnt to kill but its not to be tested
The meds don't always work so don't get me vexed bitch...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Who knew I pulled the trigga
No such thing as an innocent nigga
Or jus another picture
Smiling through pain
And laughing at the game
Follow me to belly of the beast
I'm ripping up her vagina
An I'm coming out her yeast
Folding in her stomach sideways
I'm the baby of her dripping always
Like the trees on fall days
Watch me run rampent
And know me as the evidence
If you run the country well I'm the vice president
Watch me take my residence
Watch me make things will be clearer
The murderer of my heart is the man in the mirror
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Well not lost in a sense of devastation but lost in the sense that I don't know what to say or do really because of the situation. Everything she said I was feeling too in all honesty I'm relieved about the situation(because I wanted the break up too) but at the same time I'm confused. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It's almost as if all I do is remind girls of their ex boyfriends(saddest thing I've ever said out loud). I mean during the 8 days,insert outstanding laughter at the shortness of the relationship here, I was with her I did nothing but miss Jessica...
Somethings not right and I'll never know what it is no matter how hard I think about it. I feel like I'm disappointed but even I kno that's not what I feel.
Lord help me make sense of this...
How is it that I get with a girl that I'm not attracted to, I don't even like and have barely any feelings for and come out of the relationship with this awkward sense of disappointment. I don't understand what was I hoping for?? A different outcome than before??? Trust? A real relationship? Not only did I not truly trust her I constantly had negative thoughts about what she was doing when I wasn't around...I mean I don't understand why I was with her other than sex and I was getting that before the relationship so WTF?? I have no answers...not one if I ever tried to explain it to people they wouldn't understand because quite frankly I don't understand...I wish I had answers, but I don't...
I need talk therapy, a lot of it...and God, all of him...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
I'm mad two years later and 6 girls after you I miss your love. I'm mad that after all this time your love finally makes sense and no one elses quite does. I'm upset that it took me two years to realize that more than 50% of what you said was true. That it took 2 years for me to realize that you really did love me. That you too at that point wanted it to last. I'm so sorry, one day I'll forgive myself and I hope one day you can forgive me too.
I still miss you sometimes, I hope I see you again some day sweetheart.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
He loves broken things
He feels like He can fix them
yet he has broken wings
can somebody fix him
I mean me or is it you
I'm so confused I can't think
they are in the things that I save
not all whom are lost are doomed to sink Life is an image of what looks like a cave A tunnel a journey that we put together our own way to find peace
As dumb as it sounds I'm stilling waiting to find that last piece
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I have been accepted to both of my schools in applied to in New York and I will be moving soon. Things have become surreal. Life is headed in a direction down a hallway I never saw coming. Somewhere I took a right turn and I can't see my next step in front of me. I have a plan but I know better than to believe that my plan can be stuck to...
I am feeling some kinda way about my best friend right now but I must say its kinda outta place for me to feel that way. She, as well as i, do this thing where when we start talking to someone we kind of stop talkin to each other for a while. Now I know when I find someone Im gonna do the same shit and she might feel the way I feel right now. So I guess its just the way me and her relationship will always be...
My college loans payment are beginning payments next month...I'm feelin some typa way about that too...
Two of my closet friends are getting married and they want me to be there...I am not sure what to about this whole moving thing and their weddings. One is getting married on the 9th and thats the day I am going up to New York to look for a job. Never mind my personal feelings towards his bride to be I feel some typa way about him marring her. Although my feelings mean nothing in the situation he's my best friend and I want the best for him. She is the mother of his children, plural,one of these kids is still being determined that is his. Like I said I want the best for my best friend and as his best friend I feel like he is selling himself short...
back t to the topic of my best friend(female)...
Im not a hater, Im not the jealous type either...BUT I HATE seeing her and this guy being lubby-dubby all over twitter and facebook. It makes me wanna throw up to be honest...
I quit smoking weed and everything else minus alcohol...lol...i make this sound worse than what it was but I swear if you lived here you'd be amazed at what i've avoided living in what used to be a nice neighborhood and community...
I work monday-friday, I am thankful to have a job but I hate my fucking job...
I'm on lithium-Carbonate...look it up if you wanna know what it is for. My Crazy Doc, as I call her, raised the doasge lately and took my off of abilify...im not sure ive said this before but oh well.. She put me on this LiCa and its just now beginning to make a difference...
this is all for now...
Sunday, March 6, 2011
idk...things are still in the air...
Imma keep it in Gods hands and keep my heart there as well...
til next time...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Theres no way I could ever live there! I have good life and it took this trip to really see what I have and what God has done for me. The growth that I have gone through. The place that I am in. I see now what I need and what I do not. Passing up on that life is nothing, yes it could lead to riches but it can also lead to jail time, FUCK THAT! They are my brothers for a reason. Al is like my aunt I like him but he's headed down a path to high blood pressure lol. Mark is just a dumb big guy who can cut hair and Dre has promise he's just gotta find his way. They all living like I do and any more stress on the situation would make the house of cards collapse. In all three of their house holds.
I will say that they are headed in a good direction for starters They just need to see clearer. I can't steer the lost if I myself am lost. I will pray for them tho.
I am much more appreciative of what I have and what I know now. Also it makes me glad to know that God has blessed me with real friends...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
They say you shouldn't give a shit about what other people think. They say that because dwelling on anothers thoughts is evil and in many ways a sin.
I know first hand what dwelling on anothers thoughts can do to a person. It can destroy a person from the inside out. The thoughts of another person are theirs and theirs alone. The focusing on and dwelling upon those thoughts can lead to mistrust, doubt, anger, hatred, and usually unhappiness.
I remember thinking about what she was thinking and wondering why can't she stop thinking about that? My focus wasn't on her but on her thoughts. My focus wasn't on making her happy it was on eradicating those thoughts she was having which in everyway back fired.
To the next one this mistake won't be repeated. Whenever that maybe...
Anyway I forgot the point of this who page of information was truly about.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
On turning 21, im not sure how to feel really. I am happy of course. The hardest part about turning 21 is the realization that i am 21, ALL the hell I caught over not being 21 is over. I gotta say it feels good. I am and will remain me tho Im not a lush.
To be completely honest I have nothing to say on this post other than I am 21 finally and its almost not a big deal to anyone but me, myself, and I. I need outta here. At least I know and expect no one to give a shit about me. I guess what my mum says is true, only a hand full of the people you know will ever truly give a shit. I guess I shouldn't ask for more huh?
Atleast those mofos on facebook took the time to say happy birthday right??? So for that I am grateful :D
I am grateful for Gavin and Alison for taking me out on my bday. I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY MOM taking me out on my bday night. I am also grateful for Sabrina's video....touched the heart....I am grateful that my father sent me a text msg this year...better than a facebook msg lol...i am also grateful for living to see this year. I pray that I will see many more.
I dont have a great wish for this year. I dont have a great desire for this year. I dont have a burning itch to do something because I am 21. I dont have a wish for this year which is different. This year I just want my life to go in the direction it was meant to go in God's plan for me.
thats all for now
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The theme for this year is Love, Irony.
The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.
The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.
"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."
First Corinthians 13:1-7
Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5
Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5
Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6
Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1
God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.
What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be
Monday, January 31, 2011
Inhale exhale continue floating
Tell why does this got me wide open
Playing the same game insane it's got me hoping
For something different
Man she's got me tripping
Slipping and falling down stairs
Killing me with her smile
Though she barely even cares
Just a whisper in her wind
Doesn't even know I'm there
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
I like you, you are a lot like me, a friend I can't see myself actually losing but anything is possible. Its hard to type today, so excuse the typos please.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I will say that racism is apart of American culture we are all color blind until it matters. I mean African Americans are racist in some ways, I'm sure other cultures see race and recognize the differences in culture as well.
Is it right? Of course not!
People shouldn't use the differences amongst themselves to divide or to outcast for any reason. In my opinion racism begins with words that at first seem harmless. Then one day become weapons. The problem with racism today is that it is institutionalized because it has been around since the beginning. Someone not liking someone for a reason that maybe valid towards an individual but not a sect of people.
My thoughts on racism personally?
It begins with the children of parents who were brought up a certain way. Everyone is different and that is what makes us all special. Although its those differences that we can never change that drive us apart.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So I misheeded my own words, today. Glad that wasn't my new resolution. I was told off by an exes new boyfriend...lol...I know, why was I talking to her? To be honest I just texted two letters "hi" when her bf responded I said, "nothing just saying hi ...how are you? happy new years". Stupid right?! The first thing on my list too! Oh well to be honest I didn't even expect a reply considering I haven't spoken to her in months.
But I was atleast pleasant to the following response lol from his single response I can see so much is not funny. It actually makes me wonder what I was like when I was jealous or felt threatened by another man wanting my woman. Was I irrational? I mean seriously the guy talked as if I knew something. Like there was some information that he knew I knew which in fact I didn't. Glad all I did was laugh and say nice to know. I don't know when a man acts that way from what I remember it means, "I'm not sure if I have firm grip on her heart yet. Go away."
So after literally having to conceal my laughter all day, I've come to the best conclusion. Hahaha he's threatened by me. I mean I know I flipped ape shit when another guy hit my girl up so I see why it happened. A confident man wouldn't have to tell me "she wakes up next to me."
I was kinda flattered lmao. In all seriousness God has been talking to me for a long time.
And I learned that when the lord delivers you from something don't you dare go back to it. I should have heeded my own warning I knew what I knew then actually the same thing that I know now, DON'T!
Fuckin hilarious and but definitely not a lesson that needed to be learned.
Now with all that I don't have to feel guilt anymore...and being where I am I think the deliverence from that situation was definitely for the best. There were reasons for God's actions even if he never shows you. I remember all to well the emotional turmoil I was in with that person and the amount of stress that was on that person as well. I'm glad it worked itself out for the best.
After it all I've begun where I left off. Thinking about heading to NY, what am I saying I already applied to two schools in New York.
I've got my associates degree, I'm working, I have a car, a roof over my head, I maybe single but I'm happy. If it weren't for the things that transpired I would still have that very dark demon over my shoulders. Learning that my "highs and lows" as she would describe them weren't my fault. God does have a plan for me...
So I leave with an interesting question
What's worse? Being with someone because you don't know how to be with someone else and unhappy or being single and lonely? I'd pick lonely.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
In order to get something you never had you must do something you've never done and its be 17 days into the new year and I am sick of hearing people say is 2011. Bitch I know what year it is...BTW this isn't addressed to one person, I'm a shotgun kinda man I'm sprayin everybody...So here is my list of DON'TS for the new year
- Don't call your ex
- an ex is an ex for a reason
- Dont delete your facebook
- this is not a life changing event
- Don't say its 2011 after bringing up old shit and try to move on after the fact
- nuff said
- Don't act brand new(this goes for any year tho)
- Don't make promises you can not keep
- your word is all you have
- Don't lead people on
- liars never prosper
- Don't be a smut
- just don't be nasty, just cuz you can get it dont mean you should
- Don't be the fool who fell for the same shit they fell for last year(hence number one)
- Don't say your making life changes just to delete your facebook and turn around in less than 6 months and make a new page
- if you are a drama filled person deleting facebook wont eliminate the drama if anything you are doing the rest of the world a favor and savin us the hassle of reading about it
- Don't be an asshole(this goes for me as well...lol)
- be nicer, that is my new years resolution
- Don't keep telling that same friend your going to hang out when you know good and damn well you aint gon chill with them, just be honest
- again liars don't prosper, just take the time to let the person know that you don't wanna chill with them definitely saves you the hassle of coming up with excuses...super duper utlra flexing ass nigga
- finally if you are going to make life changes you DO NOT BRAG ABOUT IT!
- I'm making changes to my life without flexin on the internet about it....if you are changing just change...you do not need moral support to change....
Thursday, January 13, 2011
So here is what erupted from that thought, my last love was the best point of reference because she's the only person whom WAS in love with me...
Being in love was like being on an island. Circling around the same subjects, some good some bad, not because I didn't understand the bad but because the problem was never truly solved. I felt like I was trapped in an ocean of their ambiguity.
Yes, an island. What is on the island depends on who you are in love with. I never knew what to do because no matter what I did the same results showed. I felt insane. Like I was trying to solve a puzzle that had no answer to begin with. Nothing to build shelter with but plenty of sunshine when they were were happy. When storms would rage their anger would unrest the seas. Their waves of subtle insults took forever to digest.
My thoughts on love are simple. Don't fall, fly...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
You are oblivious, to everything. You kick my ass in dominoes all the time, yet fail in math. You look up to me and I realize that more now than ever. Our father has never really held any real weight in your eyes. In my opinion I have to make sure I live up to every expectation you have of me. Your are my burden and dammit I'm proud to take you as it. I wanna lead you in the right direction by leading by example. I'm moving to New York for myself but I'm doing it with all the right intentions. I wanna send you things in the mail. I wanna bring you out to stay with me for the summer once. I wanna come home as if I never lost touch with you. Your all I have and I don't intend to lose sight of that.
To that lil man whose taking pride in his beard which hasn't grown in yet. The guy that kicks my ass in dominoes. The guy that is just like me with women, very particular. To the guy that reps the white sox til the death of them. To the guy that can somehow not close a single door including the cereal box lid. To the guy that can run numbers so damn fast it's astonishing. To the kid I can go joke for joke with all day long. To the guy I can just chill and watch a show about suping your car up.
Much love lil bro
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
You have moved to another state. Found a new significant other. Basically began a new life with your own family. I ain't mad, shit in all honesty good for you cuz you were doing nothing but holding us back and holding yourself back. Even more. Now you are free to do whatever your heart pleases and be as irresponisble as you want to be.
First I'd like to thank you for teaching me distrust. That was probably the easiest thing for a young boy to learn about the people around him. Simple don't trust any of them and keep them away. So for many years that's all I ever did was keep people away. Second I wanna thank you for teaching me to pass judgement. Probably the third easiest thing for me to learn. Everyone is bad and wants to cause you harm. Pretty easy concept. Third I wanna thank you for teaching me the second easiest thing I've ever learned, that the first two applied to you. Your words are blades and your inheritly a bad person. My own flesh and blood...
Your other son could use some guidance. Your abscense in the crucial years can be the difference between life and death...I love him and I can't do it alone.
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr
Monday, January 3, 2011
- Sabrina apologized to me for the damage she did to me years ago
- this was interesting because we don't ever talk about these things. I guess what Chris said made some fucking sense after all. He said to her, "I am not Hassan, I can not love you from a distance." It wasnt until she repeated his words that I understood our relationship for what it was. I love her, she loves me, we love each other regardless of distance. She and I accept one another for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I guess it takes a person from the outside looking in to make some sense of what's happening inside the house of cards itself.
- I have attained my associates Degree!
- However I have a dilema, if I withdraw from school, I would lose my healthcare coverage and not be able to afford my medication. And not to sound like a dope addict but I need it. I am literally better with it.
- She likes John Mayer!
- WTF she loves all his music, why do I like the same type of women? Oh well, maybe this one and I can make something happen? Who knows. She told me listen to Why Georgia, gravity, and another song which slips the mind at the moment. She's straight forward which I like because I definitely need a person who gets to the point.
- I am starting to think Diana has a thing for me
- She eats with me and after me, hugs me, kisses me spanish style tho sometimes literally on the cheek, sometimes asks me to stay longer at work with her, grabs my hand sometimes too, she claims to not be touchy feely and not good with emotions but I see through it. She likes me and has my number but shes another cause I cant afford to invest the time into. She is focused on paying her grandmothers rent in mexico. I have no problems with that at all. shit I commend her for it but i can not get tied up with her. I feel like I'd be barking up the wrong tree. Do Not get me wrong Diana has some legs and skin and hair I would destroy given then chance but I just can not invest time into her.
- The pressure of moving is stressful
- this ones self explanatory lol
- I bought a webcam so if you wanna chat hit me up
- Hazey2890 on skype
I wanna apologize for my behavior lately. I feel strange doing this but it feels like the right thing to do. I don't know you as well as I'd like to know you. Also I wanna say that I would like for you to get to know me.
I'm 20 years old, I'm bipolar II, I also have depression and insomnia. I found this out the Thursday before I met you. I think your interesting, your obviously beautiful, and your one of my best friends only female friends that means I better get to know you. I plan on moving to New York as of this coming year 2011. Originally I was going to move to Orlando, Florida, do music, alotta weed, and alcohol and women. I chose New York because it has more to offer than Orlando.
Anyway the reason I apologized is because I think I've been acting strange to everybody. I've gotten in a fight with everyone since I been back. I ran out of medicine on Christmas eve. On Christmas day my mood was horrible mostly, and today I've been asjusting to the higher dosage of medication.
The one word thing, confuses me not just with you but with everyone. To me I often take it the wrong way. Normally if I get a one word answer I think the person is ending the conversation, and some times people aren't actually ending the conversation. Othertimes I forget to put a word in the text MSG and it says something completely different than what I was trying to say.
Anyway, I'll text you tomorrow that's all I had to say also I have a blog. Idk if you blog but if you do you should have one for your photos and ideas. Just a thought. I have one
I have work in the morning xP