Nothing to do with Valentines

I went to florida this weekend to see my brothers out there. To put this thought in as few words as possible.

Theres no way I could ever live there! I have good life and it took this trip to really see what I have and what God has done for me. The growth that I have gone through. The place that I am in. I see now what I need and what I do not. Passing up on that life is nothing, yes it could lead to riches but it can also lead to jail time, FUCK THAT!  They are my brothers for a reason. Al is like my aunt I like him but he's headed down a path to high blood pressure lol. Mark is just a dumb big guy who can cut hair and Dre has promise he's just gotta find his way. They all living like I do and any more stress on the situation would make the house of cards collapse. In all three of their house holds.

I will say that they are headed in a good direction for starters They just need to see clearer. I can't steer the lost if I myself am lost. I will pray for them tho.

I am much more appreciative of what I have and what I know now. Also it makes me glad to know that God has blessed me with real friends...

-Hazey

The Evil thoughts and The Sermon

Evil Thoughts

Was it a mistake to say a thing to you?

I try to have faith but it slips and fades

throughout the day I show a different shade

I love you and you know it too

say it back but are your words true?

Do you understand what I feel

Do you understand what is real

Things that seem the same sometimes change

I know I said I don't expect anything

But would a text from you really mean anything?

a phone call or letter

talking about sex or even the weather

which is better?

a best friend who is unpredictable

or a lover whom isn't really believeable

damn...

-Hazey

Love is

The theme for this year is Love, Irony.

The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.

The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.

"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."

First Corinthians 13:1-7

Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5   

Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5      

Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6 

Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1  

God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.  

What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be

The book of Proverbs

Dear God

I needed this trip more than anything. Thank you so much for making this all possible.

-Hazey

PS Ive been reading, lately you've been using those closet to me to reach out to me. I still don't know what your message is but I'm determined to figure it out.

Mi corazon and my strength

Mi corazon and my strength

A dia I learned the wounds I have may never truly heal. Quite honestly because my heart is just wanting answers to the questions I will never have answered. I have no focus, I'm scared, I'm not as confident as I once was. I have truly fallen to a place I'm not sure that I can ever get back up from. I have so many thoughts that cross my mind in a day it's weird. I'm sure other people feel the same way, I'm not trying to say my problems are any bigger or more complex than anyone elses. I will admit that I do need some help. I can't do it all on my own. I want so very much to be self-reliant. As I listen to yellowcard my heart kind of feels like I'm not alone. I know of other people out there like me, lost in need of some kind of breakthrough. I can't focus on anything still. I still find myself making excuses, and honestly I know I'm better than that, I know I don't have to make excuses. I'm just scared...I'm scared of failing. I've had my dreams shattered like so many people out there. I don't hope for much, I rarely get excited anymore. To be honest I've literally forgotten how to just be happy. I don't smile often, I'm normally alone, I want so much more out of my life but I'm so very afraid. You know yesterday I heard my lil brother say to me "When I think of a strong man I've always thought of you, not dad. I never have thought he could protect us, I always thought you could." You know what ladies and gentlemen. I found my strength...

Thanks lil man :,)

-Hazey

Bad moods

I gotta say bad moods suck. I find my bad moods tend to just bounce from one person to another yet never ever do they get taken out on my brother or mother. Its crazy, but anyway I need a break from financial burdens but I realize that may never happen. Life's a bitch and honestly I don't plan to wife her. I've been completely out of words, patience, energy, money(lol), time(to a point where niggas call me in my sleep and wake me up), but mostly I'm out of, well I wanna say direction but that's just not true, then again I wanna say wisdom but that's not something you can literally run out of, then on another tip I wanna say will. Yeah that's it. I am out of the WILL to deal with people in general. I think I'm cranky cuz of a lack of food, my damn uncle keeps eating all the food! Anyway another day begins in 29 minutes(its 11:31pm). I wanna sleep in but nope I must awake and drive my uncle to Kensington station then I off I go to work. When did my life head in this direction?

anyway good night world

if you don't know, to whom it may concern, this song is a clue to you that you crossed my mind...

>>>[A Little Bit- Lykke Li ft. Drake]<<<

-Hazey

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in such a long time... Damn I missed days like this...

Seriously it's like today was the day I transitioned from being a boy to the man that I will one day become. I'm prideful, heartfilled and my head is clear. My shoulders are back and my eyes focused.

Today I went to starship headquarters, bunch of freaks geeks and weirdos in that mothafucka(hahahah) gotta say it was a waste of time but the day was awesome. I mean after basically taking a math test for a job that would later inform me that they had no open positions available, I felt good. Me and Jb came back from Eastpoint and kicked it with the dominincans. Well Justin and troy got into a fight. Yeah Justin didn't really lose Troy hit him all of once, but he had Justin leakin everywhere. Hood shit ye digg, right after Troy claims his bullshit ass win they smoke a blunt and things are cool. Well not really we basically all chill and everythings good you know? Me, jb, Justin, and anthony we all chill cop a few grams for ant and keep it moving. One of my other exes, Sarai wants me to come chill and burn one with her. It's all good ye digg, I hadn't chilled with niggas up the block in years. I kick it with her and her brother whom I've never met...lol...well til today. He was cool, I gotta say I ain't hard to get along with (as long as emotions aren't involved). So she tells me she has a friend for me...lol...it's days like this that make a man laugh so very hard from such a wonderful place inside. Anyway we chill I head back to the house and tesha hitting me up talkin bout her ex boyfriend woke her saying the following and I quote "your phones in the woods, your shits in the van I'm taking you to the gas station and leaving you there...diiiiaaaabbbbllloooooo!!! So I'm still hype off the fight from earlier in the day and kickin ass is something a niggas itching for! Real talk Joe! So I tell her call me in two hours. She gets around to calling me three hours later. Now understand this girl has been through some shit in her life. She has no one anymore. This mothafucka leaves her at a gas station with no phone and no money. I don't care what she did, stranding her like that will not look good when you are finally judged by the Lord. Anyhow l go back to mikes and eveyone is there. It's so great to see Dee, Karen, Judy, Rachel, Micheal, Justin, Andrew and Miguel in the same place at yeah same time. I won't lie with the death of Mrs. Karen it's a tragedy that brought more unity to this family than had been missing for a while. I will pay my respects on Friday morning. It's crazy yo because they are my second family they treat me like one of there own. They feed me when I'm there every time. That entire family never has a negative thing to say about me, and the same goes from me to the world and within.
I come home and things have finally fallen into place about how they should be. My mother is sleeping and finally thinking clearly, my brother is being a young man he's speaking up and talking so much more. I swear I love that kid like he were my kid at times. I see so much potential in him it's crazy. You know recently he talks to me more he even kicks it with the Vasquez household and everything. I swear he makes me smile. 

Now to myself, hahah, well as for me. I can say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I am going to get where I want to be. I have let everything pile on me and let them cloud my thoughts. I've finally figured out who Hassan Omar Jr is. I hVe finally faced my demons about myself and are fighting them one by one day by day. No things aren't great or wonderful. Yes there are plenty of sleepless nights but I'm back to being happy. For the first time in my life I'm not ashamed of who I am and where I'm going and where I came from. Yes I come from basically nothing. My parents worked themselves up to where they are. I will do the same because I know if they can do it I can do it so much better. New York, I'm still aiming for you!


-1
-Hazey    

Can I?

Can I? Can we? Heal?
The truth of the matter is I'm not sure if that is real
Can time fully heal those wounds?
Can you undo what you did too soon?
Can I truly fix you like new?
I have no answers for you or me
Just a little hope that you and I can, heal
trust and believe what I say is real
and that its not something I can go through again
The sleepless nights, the hunger strikes, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain
shedding no true light all of the pain
you and I both know it well
The dark rooms, the lightening, the terrible feeling of hell
as though it swept cross us and tore us in half
yes that feeling that feeling is the one I can not have
no, not again, so please be true, be honest, be real
don't lie to me, can you really do that, can we really heal?

-Hazey


_____________________*_______________________________________

A response by Dauri

Yes love.
We've been hurt one by the other
we let the love we had for each other go
even though we both know or knew the pain it would cause
the blood it would draw
the tears that would fall
but u were there to catch every one
and I was warming your heart like the sun
I think if we rekindle what we once had
the love that often made us sad
but mostly made us glad
if you would look into my eyes
and see the passion that never died
my heart can finally sigh
a breath that's been waiting to go free
finally
we're back to you and me

I think I..

I think I understand now,
You aren't done molding me,
You haven't finished working out a few things in me yet,
I will never be perfect but I'm not able to make anything work,
or get any relationship to work because you are still working on me.
I'm not ready yet, I'm not done yet...