I Could Be...But I'm Not...

I could be fearful. I could be doubtful. I could be timid. I could be any other feeling other than completely certain. For some reason you give me certainty and hope. Normally I would feel fearful of who you could be. I could doubtful of what we can be. I could feel so many other negative feelings but instead you are all positive attraction...I just...I just know who you are...I am secure in who you are and what we will be...wether it's friends or more...whatever happens between us I'm just happy it happens...


I could be alotta things...


but I'm not..
-Hazey

when i need a reminder

this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God

• I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
• I have gained a sense of self
• I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
• I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
• I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
• I understand my own thought patterns
• no kids
• no criminal record
• a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
• good health
• good looks(i have an ego too you know)
• and EVERY MOMENT  IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
• I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
• I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
• I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
• I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)

though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...

In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...

i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!


But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey

the end of a bad month

soooo its been forever since i've written anything or just posted a picture so enjoy

Dre's back in town, and man things is moving like crazy out here

My boy Mike is divorced ALREADY after being married for only 2 and half months he's gotta wait an entire year before all this shit is over

Jessica speaks to me again which is awesome, gotta say i missed hearing from her

i really like Alex more and more,

i feel like Gaby is probably gonna be my next girl

the crew is falling apart cuz im leaving next month

my brother might be moving to chicago to live with my father next year

my car is being left behind in GA and im moving to NEW YORK

i went to the studio this past week and all i wanted to do was produce Dres track like i used to and it killed me to not be able to

im considering joining Peacecorps after I get my BA

my houses waterheater has broken twice in 2 weeks so that means we have no hot water...

the best part about this is, is that my mom is slowly becoming herself again...

i feel blank today...and all i wanna do is smile but right now theres nothing in my heart that says Hassan Smile...

-Hazey

questionable week

so im sitting here asking myself why the fuck is the past resurfacing...i guess i asked for this...

if i could...

id call you...

in a perfect world, you'd pick up the phone...

Life is happening so fucking fast it aint funny... My mother raised me to be a simple man...but my father tried to mold me into a complex person...

which lesson to rely on??

-Hazey

3 piece

There are 3 pieces of me spread out amongst some people
the first is in NY and honestly I am not sure if that piece needs to be returned but it was,
the second is here in GA
and so is the third.

the First is my Love

the Second is my Pride 

the Third is my Trust

i'm sure most of this makes no sense to anyone but myself so I'll explain

She was the first woman I ever loved outside of family and in many ways still has a major influence I should say in my destiny going forward because of what we went through together and apart. My best friend. As I mentioned a long time ago back in December or January, I don't quite remember which, She apologized for the pain she caused me. I look back it now and realize that she was giving me the words I needed to hear just in the best way that she could have ever put it.

I got the 2nd piece of me back last week.
Its almost incredibly heartbreaking that I lost it in the first place...
So this is to you, number 2

You took a lot from me. You made me question everything about myself from my heritage to my own thoughts and feelings. You stole my confidence from me. You took everything that I thought I knew about myself and destroyed it. But most importantly you killed my pride. I know that Pride is a sin, but as men we all have one. Its just something I believe everyone has as well. You killed my pride what made me tick. My confidence soon followed and honestly for about 4 years I hated you for it. I look back at things now and really want to thank you for what you did. I am so much better now because of what you did...correction "what I allowed you to do to me" I understand now that I hold equal responsibility in the harm you caused because I should have fought harder to preserve those parts of myself in the first place. So from you i gained so much more than what I lost. All I wanna say now is thank you for helping me become a better person. I forgive you...don't be sorry for what you did, because you didn't know what you did in the first place...

The third piece my trust well she took it, honestly I'm still not sure just how much trust I had in her because of my own fears, self doubts,  the lack of confidence and misguided mistrust from my previous relationship and on top of all of that my mental instability. One day I hope to have a moment in which we can talk like adults and atleast you have the understanding that I genuinely miss your friendship more than anything in the world...i don't care about your boyfriend I just hope you don't hate me...

this sums up my love life lol...
till next time...

oh PS Is it a bad thing that I waited this long to finally say IM NEVER DATING MY EXES AGAIN?
cuz when I said this to number 2 she got all emotional on me and blah blah blah...lol...just a thought

if I tell my friends an ex is an ex for a reason I should atlas follow my own proverbs right??


-Hazey

I feel its time

I feel its time that I posted something to explain my behavior recently

I am worried and stressing every single day of my life except after  I've had a drink or puff.

money is tight, everything is in limbo, i got questions and problems with no answers to be found so as of now...right now i put it all in God's Hands...

im supposed to be leaving behind so many of my friends down here in Atlanta and moving to New York July 29th<--- to be honest this is the first time I've actually placed a date on my departure...

God Bless

-Hazey

what isn't in my control

you made it hard for me to even look another woman in the eye and take anything she says seriously
you made it hard for me to want another woman in my life beyond a sexual relationship
you made it hard for me to ever believe I would ever be good enough for anybody
you made it hard for me to believe I could make anyone happy
you made it hard for me to believe that I could ever be happy
you made it hard for me to believe I deserved to be happy
you made it hard for me to look anything from a woman in general
you made it harder for the next woman to come into my life
you made it hard for me to forget you
you made it hard for to let this go
you made it so very difficult to move on and let go of hope
you made it impossible to sleep at night
you made it difficult to just get through the day
you made it impossible to say that you didn't shape me into the man I am today
but what you didn't break and didn't change is my ability to see

and I see clearer now than I've ever seen before.

I wish I had known what I about myself now then that way things could possibly worked themselves out in a different way...who knows maybe we'd still be friends now...but you can not turn back time and honestly i wouldn't want to...had you and I continued doing what we were doing we'd both had ended up miserable...we wouldn't know the friends we have now that we know and love...yes life would probably have taken a horrible turn for disaster had we continued that relationship any further...it was...it was...it was a good run...a run that I will never forget even if you did I wont...maybe one day you'll read this one and realize this is to you...you broke my heart, you turned your back on me as though I had wronged you, you may even have done somethings that would make it impossible for us to ever be friends again(in your eyes because i don't care what you've done we're both adults here why be mad about anthers choices to be happy?) but i wouldn't hold any of that against you...i hope the next woman that I love is all you were to me and more...maybe these words are a little ego-boosting for you or putting you on a pedestal to some people but in honesty I'm not...you did a lot for me, ALOT, so far the best I ever had...all I'm saying is I want my next to be on another level...

im dragging on about nada again

lifes good, my job sucks, I move in 68 days, but most importantly my hearts in one piece and my mind is focused on whats in important in life...

God Bless
-Hazey

as the world turns

It seems like the longer time pass

less I seem to know you

years in the whole

and yet even ya own fears cant show you

love is blind a beast

it talks in riddles and tongues

can't seem to follow its speech

seems like on every word I'm hung

distance aint a factor

na but time will always tell

your words never seem to master

what you heart screams and yells

telling things about what it wants

and dreams of attaining it

im done figuring out your code

same ole broken record, I quit!

the day I look into your eyes

my souls gonna tell it all

love stops but as the world turns

we'll see whose more reluctant to fall

-Hazey

love and hate

i love the way you walk

but i hate the way you talk

if i flip and make you soft

you quick to cut me off

im feeling kinda lost

no matter the cost

ten toes down

would you still be around

if the money was on the ground

and shit aint taken off

how soon would you get lost

if things weren't so soft

the path life aint easy

but love is never breezy

and it aint to hard to please me

just stick around to squeeze me

and don't ever fuckin leave me

im man of harsh words

and ill kick you to the curb

if only i ever heard

that you did so ill gotten verbs

in short don't be a bird

ill catch ya when its all too late

flash backs in ya mind of our very first date

so chose wisely before its too late

if i love you you'll be a mate

or ill make you study the line of love and hate

-Hazey

a fools thoughts

maybe she does...

-Hazey

ive had quite a bit to drink tonight

with that said lemme speak my mind

lemme say this but umm I'm not a hater but this song is pretty hateful

bitch I fucking hate you

everything about you

your walk

your voice

your talk

to your choice

of who deserves to be in your life

and who don't

im not a hater but i wont

let this hatred consume me

like the red stuff runs through me

your nothing but a memory of yesterday

if i could id erase you

id fucking replace you

and turn everything we had into planes

shoot them down from the sky 

while we smoke and float high

fuck you bitch Im on to better things

you fill my dreams with those things

that remind me of us and of all that i trust

and I cant seem to forget what you said when you left

so I run to the sun and with hope in each step

ill take one last breathe

and say fuck you and everything thats left

so Ill take my chance with you and all of this shit

fuck you bitch

i deserve so much more

bitch I hate you

all thats about you

from your walk

to you talk

to your voice

and your choice

of who stays in your life and goes

im a man of real dreams

and my eyes read the seams

of the stitch in your lies

their right in your eyes

fuck your hopes and your dreams

i know it aint what it seems

im a hater and your just a win

but every lie you once told

it made me so cold

and now im just afraid to forget

the bullshit i heard

and pain i endured

fuck you bitch in my eyes your a bird

-Hazey

Momma(Grandma)

im thinking about everything and its tearing at me to think about it
And I know its killing my mum to know and be in the position she is in right now
and all I can do is be strong for the both of you and pray, pray my heart out for you both...

for a long time ive wanted to feel something
and right now in this moment i feel strength
I feel duty, I feel proud, I feel like I have the ground beneath my feet again
its strange...

I don't make promises very often but this one I'm making right now...

I gonna make everything better mum, I'm gonna take care of everything I promise you wont have to worry about money, your health, everything I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT ALL...you wont have to worry anymore...I promise

silence

On Twitter, yes I have a twitter (,_,#) let the judgement pass(@Haze_da_General), on twitter one of the trending topics is #bittersweet and low and behold you instantly pop into my mind

I said, "I go anywhere in Atlanta and remember what we did there...now we don't even speak #bittersweet"

thus this post is in someway shape or form justified I guess...

because the memory of you is bittersweet...

For, dear Jesus, years now I've been trying to understand your silence.

I think I've put together a loose group of ideas to help me get past it.

1st off you do not want to admit you were wrong or anything you said was a lie or anything you said and or did was not entirely truthful

2nd We could never be just friends at some point the friendship would turn sexual again

3rd You did something after we were done that would make it impossible to even face me in normal conversation

4th You simply just never want to speak to me again, for reason you judge to be apparent and are directly in front of me

I don't know I hope one day we can at least talk even if its from a distance...2 years is a long time...

I dont need to say it...
hmu stranger
-Haze

I Feel Sick

I Feel Sick

I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
Kicking me like a baby who kno I dont want it
I don't brag and don't boast and never flaunted
But everything ive done my dreams seem to be haunted
With memories of you and you and even you
Like a pussy with the flu 
She's fucking dripping blue

I feel sick...

It must be the thought of you
Or even just the cost two
Me and her or him or you
Jealousy isn't my thang
2 years ago you had my brain
I fuck these girls yet sometimes I see you
Somebody tell what fuck to do

I feel sick...

Bad desicions seem to follow me
And people judge men on what they see
And I'm just a man of pride wit pearly white teeth
I got Heart use to pain and fist full of shame
Sadly sometimes I'm just happy you remembered my name

I feel sick...

Take a peak at what I see
Lies and deceit aren't what i see
My hell is fuckin a woman who never peaks
Slamming for hours without even a torn sheet
And she loves to use her teeth
She loves bite me til I bleed
Her twat I can not see
My bloods all over me
Face, hands, chest down to my feet

I feel sick...

Like i said I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
And if you gotta problem you try it if you want it
My will isnt to kill but its not to be tested
The meds don't always work so don't get me vexed bitch...

-Haze

Murder

Murder

Who knew I pulled the trigga
No such thing as an innocent nigga
Legitimate figure
Or jus another picture
Smiling through pain
And laughing at the game
Follow me to belly of the beast
I'm ripping up her vagina 
An I'm coming out her yeast
Folding in her stomach sideways
I'm the baby of her dripping always
Like the trees on fall days
Watch me run rampent
And know me as the evidence
If you run the country well I'm the vice president
Watch me take my residence
Watch me make things will be clearer
The murderer of my heart is the man in the mirror

*gun shot*

-Haze 

Talk therapy.....

It's over and I'm lost

Well not lost in a sense of devastation but lost in the sense that I don't know what to say or do really because of the situation. Everything she said I was feeling too in all honesty I'm relieved about the situation(because I wanted the break up too) but at the same time I'm confused. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It's almost as if all I do is remind girls of their ex boyfriends(saddest thing I've ever said out loud). I mean during the 8 days,insert outstanding laughter at the shortness of the relationship here, I was with her I did nothing but miss Jessica...

Somethings not right and I'll never know what it is no matter how hard I think about it. I feel like I'm disappointed but even I kno that's not what I feel.

Lord help me make sense of this...

How is it that I get with a girl that I'm not attracted to, I don't even like and have barely any feelings for and come out of the relationship with this awkward sense of disappointment. I don't understand what was I hoping for?? A different outcome than before??? Trust? A real relationship? Not only did I not truly trust her I constantly had negative thoughts about what she was doing when I wasn't around...I mean I don't understand why I was with her other than sex and I was getting that before the relationship so WTF?? I have no answers...not one if I ever tried to explain it to people they wouldn't understand because quite frankly I don't understand...I wish I had answers, but I don't...

I need talk therapy, a lot of it...and God, all of him...

-Haze

Another

So ends another one...yup I'm single again...lol...im sure your thinking when were you not single...lemme put it this way I was with her officially for a 8 days...lol...i mean seriously its kinda funny...if you ask me...but oh well she like so many other girls said one thing and were feeling a completely different thing...In many, well in truth I felt her break up coming and I expected it and in so many words was praying for it. Since we got together I was looking for a way, thats a damn shame right?? I found it funny that while talk to my psychiatrist she told me that I didn't even like her...then she breaks up with me right afterwards...She said she doesnt know what she wants...shes thinking about someone else at night...and those words didnt hurt, tear, rip or even phase me...I guess the doc was right...I hope she is cuz if I see something and it hurts imma be pissed that I feel anything at all...

-Hazey

difficult

its difficult for me to come here and give you run down of recent events so I guess I'll just start over...

I have been accepted to both of my schools in applied to in New York and I will be moving soon. Things have become surreal. Life is headed in a direction down a hallway I never saw coming. Somewhere I took a right turn and I can't see my next step in front of me. I have a plan but I know better than to believe that my plan can be stuck to...

I am feeling some kinda way about my best friend right now but I must say its kinda outta place for me to feel that way. She, as well as i, do this thing where when we start talking to someone we kind of stop talkin to each other for a while. Now I know when I find someone Im gonna do the same shit and she might feel the way I feel right now. So I guess its just the way me and her relationship will always be...


My college loans payment are beginning payments next month...I'm feelin some typa way about that too...

Two of my closet friends are getting married and they want me to be there...I am not sure what to about this whole moving thing and their weddings. One is getting married on the 9th and thats the day I am going up to New York to look for a job. Never mind my personal feelings towards his bride to be I feel some typa way about him marring her. Although my feelings mean nothing in the situation he's my best friend and I want the best for him. She is the mother of his children, plural,one of these kids is still being determined that is his. Like I said I want the best for my best friend and as his best friend I feel like he is selling himself short...

back t to the topic of my best friend(female)...

Im not a hater, Im not the jealous type either...BUT I HATE seeing her and this guy being lubby-dubby all over twitter and facebook. It makes me wanna throw up to be honest...

I quit smoking weed and everything else minus alcohol...lol...i make this sound worse than what it was but I swear if you lived here you'd be amazed at what i've avoided living in what used to be a nice neighborhood and community...

I work monday-friday, I am thankful to have a job but I hate my fucking job...

I'm on lithium-Carbonate...look it up if you wanna know what it is for. My Crazy Doc, as I call her, raised the doasge lately and took my off of abilify...im not sure ive said this before but oh well.. She put me on this LiCa and its just now beginning to make a difference...


this is all for now...
pCe
-Hazey

New York, New York

I got my acceptance letter as of Friday...I'm still in shock of everything I'm excited, I'm hype, I'm happy but I can not lie...I am scared...I was accepted by St. Johns University in Queens, New York. Man...blows my mind just thinking about this whole thing. I'm moving to New York. A whole different lifestyle...I'm excited but I'm worried about home...I'm worried about adjusting to a new life...I gotta scholarship to help with tuition...I'm still waiting to hear back from the other school...I finally feel like my life has direction again...its strange knowing where you are headed...like i don't know how to prepare myself or even what to think...

idk...things are still in the air...

Imma keep it in Gods hands and keep my heart there as well...

til next time...

-Hazey

Forever

I gave her too much power

She could call me at any hour

Delivering to her hearts tower

If she only would pay attention

Shut the fuck and listen Stop thinking with her head and listen to her hearts diction

It's calling for me

And with a little time I can pick up her call

Tell her what's within my walls

She's always been looking for something more

I can give her the keys but she has to open up the door

Move herself in to and feel at home

Listen to my beat and never again be alone

Acceptance is the key that opens up your heart

Sad thing is I'm what you been looking for from the start

I say nothing as I watch you chase a dream without me

But I know you'll never find another man quite like me

You let fear stand between you and happiness or is it worse?

I gotta watch my words cuz I know this hurts

But you put me to the side hoping you can find better

Thinking I'll always be there if you must face the weather

I'm sorry to say this but I can't wait for you, forever...

-Hazey