Monday, September 28, 2009

as of 9-28-2009

Sometimes your hands twitch. Not sure what to say or how to say it. It’s crazy how I’m okay. Well I think I’m okay. I try and put forth an effort to make it seem like I’m the same old me. I have to be honest with myself, and with you, I’m far from okay. My head is still spinning even though in the past few years I’ve been living by the phrase, “rolling with the punches”, but in this never ending fight with that bitch named life, it’s never easy to recover from a punishing blow.

Life has been delivering some punches to the face, the groin, and the chest as well. You see this whole got damn year has just been one hook to the face after another. You see this year just keeps letting me know that I have plenty of things to be thankful for as well, but the punches that I take for understanding these things are kind ridiculous. My father, my ex girl friend, my job, my car, my brother, my mother, my education, and my mind don’t all need to be thrown’ at me at the same time as realizing I’m lonely. Yes I will admit it that girl last night reminded me of what it was like to feel. I liked feeling something. Made me feel alive again, made me feel like my chest had breathe and my heart had a beat. Considering for the past few months I have felt almost nothing at all. Feeling my heart race again sent a jolt to my body.

I honestly don’t want her. I want her sexually to pacify my needs. Now I am a man and I have needs just like everyone else but I refuse to do that to her. One she has a son, two she gets attached quickly, three she lets go even faster. So why lie to myself and her, I told her flat out, I neither have the time, patience, energy, nor mind set to be in a relationship. Just not at the moment. As much as I am willing to commit to her I can’t. I like she’s cool, she has a pair of tits(and I mean that figuratively, like she has a pair of balls). Apparently she has some intelligence but she just isn’t up to the par of woman that I want in my life anyway. Now this isn’t the first girl I’ve had to break it to the hard way but honestly the second that had me thinking of someone else while with them.

Another reason I’m not ready to move to another woman is because I’m not like my ex. I can not just not think about someone who I never wanted out of my life. I’m not saying that she needs to be just depressed but even I have learned the hard way that you have to let your wounds heal before someone can enter your life, the sooner you begin this process, the better. I feel like I may have misrepresented myself and the angle I saw Jessica’s situation in my comments and my blogger post earlier. I don’t resent you for not telling me it was about a person. I completely understand you don’t wanna talk about situations like that with me, you don’t want it to seem as though your rubbing it in my face that you have feelings for someone else. I have to say that honestly if moving on to someone else and hoping for a relationship was that easy for you to do then more power to you. I honestly can’t do that to myself and that person because the last thing I want is to get involved with someone else and realize I’m not fully ready for them.

Other than that I have to say that the room has been spinning lately, faster than usual. I have been a little freer to just say what’s on my mind to literally anybody and everybody more than usual. I know I am a shameless person at times, and saying what ever to anybody is nothing new, to some but lately the things I’ve allowed myself to say is more personal.

I hate to sound like a complainer but my life has hit a brick wall going about 69 miles an hour literally. My folks getting a divorce, I imagined separation but never the rest of this bullshit. My own father is nothing more than a ten year old selfish, depressed, confused, coward. Hurts to say but it’s the truth. I will never look at him with much respect from that moment on. It blew my mind away to hear my brother call me telling me to get home now. It broke my heart to hear my mother cry like that. It broke my heart even more to see the soft under belly of a coward’s personality. Before I go any further I would like to say this, “Thank you lord for giving me the strength to not allow this to turn me into the very thing that I dreaded being like for years.”

Now I must say that filing a temporary protection order is nothing anyone really wants to do. To be honest most people would prefer to not allow the police to get involved but sometimes you have no choice. My father being God knows where on this forsaken planet and me not knowing does bother me I would like to know he’s okay but even I must say living in the same house with him is not healthy for any of us. He still has some sorting out to do with his life before he can be apart of my life again. My mother, my brother they can be the judge of him on their own terms but until he steps to me as a man and shows me he deserves my respect I can not just give it to him. He has laid his hands on my mother more than once and honestly I will NEVER allow that to happen again. He is not a bad person, he is my father I love him but I can not allow that kind of behavior around those I care for the most.

I must say that the days that it rained were the longest days of my life things felt so very unreal. It was never supposed to go this far. Civilized separation was what I could see and imagine but me having such rage and anger towards my own blood. Its not right. I have always had a problem with my father for not leading by example. That was the one thing that I could never understand regardless of what your father did to you and regardless of whether or not he was there for you or not. He and you are two different people. Thank you for being there for me but don’t ever use that excuse to explain your lack of reasoning. You are a very intelligent person whom I used to look at in a semi-decent tone. Now you have destroyed all of my trust and faith in who you are. But what sucks is to realize I don’t really know who you are. I know nothing of your childhood. Nor none of your life lessons as a young person. All I know about you is you spent 8 years of your life within the walls of a library cutting class.

Today is now 9-29-2009…I have court and a final today and to top it all off my car still isn’t fixed…two days ago I was pulled over on a bike in my own town, I haven't been to work in over a week, and I lost my second job as well, Life has been so very hard in 2009...lets see how tomorrow goes...

To be continued at a later date

-Hazey

Sunday, September 27, 2009

even in the midst

I wanna be angry I wanna be hurt
but whats the point of doing all that work
if you will never notice nor take a peak
a forgotten memory, newspaper from last week
to know in such a short time I was replaced
to know that you have already drawn over my face
A solemn look of disappointment and pain
You can't be the one, the sun shines but my eyes see rain
drops falling from chest cardinal colored to the tip
grittin' my teeth, banging on the door, screaming I can't get a grip
I got a ticket to place I thought was special and for the few
maybe I got a cheap knock off and he, well he got to the real you...

-Hazey

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Definition of a man

"Down through history men have always been measured by how hard they work and cultivated, how well the protected their wife and children. In the old days woman saw their man as conquerors, providers, heroes. But somewhere along the line that change, woman started to became their own hero, maybe it was because their man forgot to be relic or because woman don't want to be protected anymore or maybe woman had to be their own hero because of the pain they had to endure in life. But whatever the cause, the world took away a man's reason for being a man. It told him he wasn't important anymore and when that happened, it turn the whole world upside down." -Dave Johnson[Not Easily Broken]
Ok world I'm ready this time. Over the years I will admit that I have always been looking for that one thing that definitively makes a MAN. Me being of the materials and physical prowess of a man does not and will never actually make me a man. It was this line that made me see things in a bit clearer light. Purpose....

Friday, September 25, 2009

worse?

I don't know what's worse.
The fact that you realize that you are still not over a person?

The fact that you catch yourself hoping to hear from them?

Or the fact that you know your hopes are pointless?

Seriously, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to desire your presence. I don't want to think about you as much anymore. I don't want to miss you as much anymore. I don't want you to have had such a hold on my heart like you do. I don't want to hope to hear from you. I don't want to desire your love and affection anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to, want to be apart of your life anymore. I don't want this or to want you or us anymore. I'm sick of missing you...

but lately and sadly I just can't seem to stop.........

I want to go back but I knew then and I still know now I have to let this and you go. You are NEVER EVER coming back. You made me so very happy and to be honest with myself I'm not sure if I can be that happy again. NO, I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone like I loved you. You couldn't...do some of the things I did and some of the things I couldn't do either. But to be honest I don't want to live my life looking back over my shoulder every know and then to see if you're there. Especially when I know that you can NOT ever truly be there the way I wish and want you to be. I have so much going on right now from my parents divorce and my mothers safety, my brothers mental, my fathers well being ;to my the confusion my family has. but the one thing I wish I had right now was you. You made the room stop spinning my piece of chilly ice that held my reptilian ass to the ground in a sea of confusion and deception you were my piece of ice, see through with no deception, no smoke and mirrors, no lies, no not you. You were and still are the best but not permanent and sometimes I believe my heart won't let you go because I truly believed in my heart that I had found the woman of my dreams, the woman to whom I could hang on to because you and I worked so well together and the fact that when I speak of you to this VERY day I will NEVER EVER say a negative thing about you. Also the fact that I wanted to buy you one of these. And because I wanted that for you, for us, I just can't believe its done and over with. Maybe I just still haven't dealt with my feelings for you I have no IDEA! BUT The one thing I want at this very second is to let go of hope that one day we'll cross paths again, that or hear your voice again [,_,]...but even the foolish dream just like the hopeful.....


I don't know maybe someone else out there can read this and make sense of my feelings....

-Hazey
>>>[Little Bit- Drake ft. Lykke Li]<<<

Playlist from the past

A playlist from the past
Basically I take this as a sign from God as a Kick in the Ass to get going on me.

#1- Nelly
Quiet- Lil Kim
Pimp Juice- Nelly
All The Ifs- Trey Songz
Cheat On You- Marques Houston
Moment Of Silence- NaS ft. Quan
Wonderful- Ja Rule ft R. Kelly & Ashanti
Caught Up- Ja Rule ft. Lloyd
Boyz In The Hood- NWA
Hustler's Ambition- 50 cent
Patiently Waiting- 50 cent ft. Eminem
Sittin' sideways- Lupe Fiasco
Tonight- Notorious B.I.G.
Niggas- Notorious B.I.G.
Notorious B.I.G.- Notorious B.I.G.
They're Out To Get Me- Busta Rhymes ft. Mr. Porter
Been Through The Storm- Busta Rhymes ft. Stevie Wonder




Friday, September 18, 2009

something I forgot

Oh got damn baby there's something I forgot
It just crossed my mind, got caught in one of my thoughts
There's something I need to tell you before I race against the sun
You are one of a kind, meaning I think you're kind of the one....

-Hazey

Why Turtle Went To The Moon


Turtle faced a fork in the road of life, The road once ran straight but now there's a left and a Right. The road ran between east and west running north and south into the light. He had a companion but she went toward the sun, he went to the moon. You see he saw it like this.

You weren't my world my love
You were the Light above
The giver of life to this heart
You were the key from the start
I was merely a moon to this rock
I revolved around that spot
that revolved upon you
You see you were the Warmth
The smile through all the hurt
down here, to me, you are all in my mind
but in reality, you were literally my sunshine...

-Hazey also known as Turtle



>>>[Man On The Moon- Kid Cudi]<<<

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Bite the Apple

Dear Eve,
Temptation is a bitch
like a bad itch or a twitch
You can't ignore it
Just realize it exist
Close your eyes if you can
but there's a warning understand
When you open your eyes again
You'll miss out on the lesson
And won't remember the question
Trying to avoid the damage
You're taking something here for granted
So when you return to sight
the pain will still be same even after the first, BITE

Monday, September 7, 2009

How I Miss You

How I miss you
How I miss you
How I miss you
I should never call
How I hope that you still miss me

Did I lose you?
Did I lose you?
Did I lose you?
Somewhere down the line
Hide & seeks alright if I find

Do you miss me
Like I miss you
If you miss me,
Never go away
Hopefully, you'll come stay someday

If you're leaving,
come back soon
That's not easy to say

I'll wait here,
dream of you
all alone as I ache

Did I lose you?
Did I lose you?
Did I lose you?
Somewhere down the line
Hide & seeks alright if I find

Do you miss me
Like I miss you
If you miss me,
Never go away
Hopefully, you'll come stay someday

If you're leaving,
come back soon
That's not easy to say

I'll wait here,
dream of you
all alone as I ache

How I miss you
How I miss you
How I miss you
I should never call
How I hope that you still miss me



Enough Said

Te Extrano Pececita

Sunday, September 6, 2009

who I used to be

I forgot who I used to be
That nigga with crips the only GD
7-4 til world blow, and All is One
fuck almighty the Creator is a better one
the 6 sides of t he 6 point star
love life loyalty knowledge wisdom understanding
the alphabet the meaning behind our star
Everything...I forgot everything

There was a point in my life that honestly many people will never understand but those who were involved. It was last night, that I remembered where I came from. I was, well I am A Gangsta Disciple. I am not a Crab. No I am not Crip. I am not apart of an 8 ball alliance. That shit don't even exist. David and Tookie and Budha grew up that same time and at no time during growing up could they afford to or even possibly met the crips on the west coast. I know the Meaning of the Golden Pitch Fork. I know Larry Hoover betrayed our king to take power. I know shorty was a LT and led the BDs against us. I know the year we were created. 1974 on the corner of **** and Brown. I swear I know too much and that part of my life is a closed chapter. I am however glad its over. I know we originally banged the color brown... But that side of me is closed and done and just recently I remembered the stupid shit I was once involved in. I'm glad I mad it out...many people can't say the same...

-Hazey

Saturday, September 5, 2009

You Are The

You are the burning in my pride
The nervous bleeding in my brain
You are what's yearning deep inside
The treacherous back stabbing pain
You are the movies of my life
The siren who my days
You are the Burning fire inside of me
The Apocalypse of my ways
You are that one small drug I can't put down
The gun shot wound after the sound
You are the one thing that brings me to my knees
you are sweetheart inertia and Gravity

-Hazey

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Today is

Today is a day of reflection
and introspection
on all the tiny little lessons
you gave me in the form of a blessin'
my best and
the dreams of whats left man
and how much you have given me direction
even now I count the seconds
of every minute that passes
watching the world change channels through prescription glasses
and yet still have this memory
of you and me
and ice cream
God i miss it
just like how i miss your kisses
yes today is a day of reflection
I hope you have a good one and reflect on its many lessons

-Hazey

20sb

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