Tuesday, March 31, 2009

this ones for the pages

This ones for the pages
and ages
and all the pretty faces
that seem to have forgotten what it means to be a man
and what it means for me to stand
on my on two feet
not crying not begging on the corner of the street
Broken hearted yes I maybe
but maybe one day you'll come back and heart will be missing me
and asking yourself where on this earth I could be
I'll be at the corner of peachtree...



>>[Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move, Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand, Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am, Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man, I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do, How can I move on when I'm still in love with you... Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.]<<

Monday, March 23, 2009

unstoppable sex

My Name is Hazey
and I'm not perfect
I can work to hard
just let me prove it
I got a weapon
that could make you scream
just dial my cell mami, it aint a bad thing
I want you to call me over
and gently kiss me on the shoulder
as I lay you down
I wanna fuck you to the ground
laying pipe into yo' ground
so loudly that the neighbors can hear the sounds
of me and you doing what we do best
popping ya bra strap you feel me in yo' chest
and just a simple kiss
on ya ankle, nipples, or lips
if I let you take a ride
you see everything in my eyes
as your grinding forces me to grip them thighs
with no more left to give
you ask me whose is this
I tell you its got your name
and that no one else can lay a claim
no one baby girl you and I know its an impossible thang
When you finally reach the peak I have you screaming

I got to be Unstoppable
I got to be Unstoppable
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie

I got to be Unstoppable
I got to be Unstoppable
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie

My name is drizzy
And I ain't perfect
But I work hard
So I deserve it
And I belong
Right where you see me
Ain't no offence about it
I ain't mistah feeny
Nah I got a decent set of manners
And a job that fills up any empty schedule or planner
And I fall in love with girls caught up with superficial glamour
Who dress like sarah jessica
And live like princess diana
So often they have addictions
And I'm the one that'll feed it
But truely you're bad enough that you don't even really need it
You can show up at the party on dirty public transit
And I guarantee the cameraman will still be snappin candids
Of you and your posse partying
Drinking watch you get handed
With your virgin island tans
All lookin like you just landed
I don't really understand it
I'm not sure I'm comprehending it
But these girls are having fun with whoevas money they spendin

I got to be Unstoppable
I got to be Unstoppable
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie

I got to be Unstoppable
I got to be Unstoppable
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie
Ey ey ey ey
You don't lie

Friday, March 20, 2009

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

retracing my foot steps

As I was ironing my clothes for church on sunday
a thought crossed my mind. Why didn't she notice all of my changes?
I remember the last time we argued about him. The day she walked away from me,
I told her and I looked her in the eye and I said I am changing, I didn't assume, I paused.
but you never gave me chance to ask why are they in there. You just assumed. Now I am looking back and noticing I was changing all along. I was trying and I was changing. Slowly but I was. nothing is overnight.I mean in between the time we argued and I promised to change my grandfather died. I was grieving for over a week. She gave me all of maybe two-three weeks, to completely change and honestly I have. I don't assume anything anymore, I don't dig anymore, I don't get mad when she speaks to him or even about him. To be honest I wonder if she remembers what happened on last wednesday. I don't remember me breaking my promise to her. That argument was started over me feeling forgotten and her not recognizing that it hurt. She barely kissed me, she didn't walk with me, she barely looked at me, she was so wrapped up in herself and her own problems to even notice I was hurting. When I reacted to things the way I did she took it as I don't trust her, that I'm assuming things, that I'm still digging and that I don't understand. The problem I was having was(now that I can put it into words) was that I had just gotten back from burying my grandfather, I was still weak, on the saturday and monday i got back I remember being all over her cuz I was vulberable and weak. I couldnt even make love to her cuz i was still weak, on tuesday she just str8 up forgot about me, didn't say anything to me. I understand that she didn't want to take it out on me but its unfair to say I didn't change. I was hurting. She says it wasn't that she forgot me it was that it was a very hard day for her. I understand that but she failed to just see I was hurting. In this whole ordeal I have been apologizing and apologizing but the thing is I kept my promise. I actually did. When I looked in her phone in class that day I looked to see, yes I will admit that I was looking in her text messages but I still did not assume she was going outside of our relationship. I looked in her outbox to see how many times she text people the day before. I know that can be missleading but I feel like she is a little clouded in her head right now, and didn't really ever have time to sort out the chain of events. I kept my promise, I didn't break it. If she disagrees I would love to talk about it.


"I did change for you babe I did. I do trust you and love you. I know you're closed up now but maybe after reading this you can find someway in you to let me gain your trustback. The monday night that you spent with me was the best night of my life and after that day I fell deeper in love with you. I know you're not as in love anymore but maybe you can sort things out in your head after reading this and find it in your heart to see I kept my promise to you."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What I had slapped in my face

I talked to you today
you gave me peace of mind
you gave me a reason to relax
you gave me the strength to pull myself together and get a hold of myself
you made me feel like a fool but it was well deserved
you are my best friend in the world and you mean so very much to me
I want to thank you
I've let you down a few times in the past and I tried my best to make up for that
You reminded me of who I am
You reminded me of how I am
You reminded me that I am strong, that I am strong in will
You reminded me that I need not hang my head in shame
You reminded me that I am FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'
You reminded me that we have a similar relationship to what is going on
and if ANYTHING, I should understand her more than anyone
You reminded me of what and how I used to be
a MAN
You reminded me of what I have always been like
and how I have let the rear view mirror steer me in a forward direction
You have never left my side Sabrina,
you broke my heart but you have always been there for me and I appreciate it
When I'm hardest on myself, you're always there to lend a helping hand in the ridicule lol
and for all its worth you will always have a tiny piece of my heart and that will never change
I won't lie I know you and I will always have each others back when times get hard
and that when its all said and done our kids will play together ( lol insider)
sometimes I feel so alone
I feel like I'm wandering
I feel like I'm wasting time
I feel like I'm not important to anyone
I feel like I'm just taking up space
and you remind me that if I die you're going to kill more bitches (lmfao)
Through the years I have seen our relationship go from friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends
and honestly it makes me smile from deep within
and it makes me understand everything even more so everyday
I can't wait to go out and club with you
and do everything we wanted to do so very long ago
it makes me smile
and I know that's how my woman feels for him
I know its a short lived thing and you remind me that I have nothing to worry about
she'll get past what she's feeling now
You reminded me of all that she has said to me and how it's what I need to believe
because she has done nothing to betray me
You reminded me of how I love and how I AM FAR FROM NEEDY
so yeah I miss you so very much
I can't wait to see you

[Freeze! don't change don't leave don't go, baby just Freeze!]

20sb

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