My thought progression- exert from my personal notes and thoughts

Does anybody else see the mental progression of thoughts here????

There comes a point in everyones life when they have held back there words long enough. Seriously I've had enough. 
So here's to clearing my head of you...

I miss you, I do, I miss you a lot, but I've come to see that everything worked out for the best. You are happier, I barely hear from you, but I won't say anything to you because you are happy. I want to see you and hang out with you but I know better than to believe that I'll actually see you. I'm glad you are happy and doing your thing. I'm not mad, sad, bitter, or upset about anything. I know you probably feel like I'll never let somethings go. I already have. You just haven't spoken to me long enough to find out. I miss you but not in a romantic way. I miss the friend I made back when I first met you. Back when nobody would hang out with you really.
I remember you telling me about how the girls wouldn't so much as come get you at times when they got together. I didn't feel sorry for you, I actually liked you for YOU. I will admit I was slightly attracted but that was skin if you know what I mean. You were my friend, I liked that. I wish we could still be friends like we were and hang out, but I understand your busy with your friends and your family and work and school. So am I, but would it kill you to text me once in a while? You used to everyday, now I wouldn't know if a cake landed on your house and swallowed you whole.

I miss my friend Jessica that's all. It's like you break up with me but in reality you severed all ties to me. Is that what you truly meant? I remember saying to you everythings going back to the way it's was before me. Like I never even existed and honestly that's how I feel. 

The when I was with you, I was happy at first. Then I began to feel like nobody to you, you started getting mad at me for wanting to hang out with you like we always did, reason being is because your friends were calling to hang out more often. The whole deal with him, I'll leave alone because no matter how I explain it you'll never see it how I saw it. To be honest I don't care about that shit anyway.
 
I'm nobody to you now. It hurts because when you say "my friends" it's like I'm not one of them. I'm just some guy you dated for a little while and dumped. I'm literally nobody and honestly you hurt me in two ways. The first was that you moved on and I knew the day we ended everything. The second was the fact that everything that I believed had some common meaning to you and I was always looked over and forgotten. Like I meant nothing...

So there that's the ever lasting scar you left on me. This...this scar, makes me feel like I didn't even affect you. Like I was nothing more than a speck of dust on your shoulder. Like was nothing to get with and nothing to shake off and move on from. Although I will say the last three months were more than what I asked for...nevermind I don't even know why I typed this. You are happy and...and I want you to stay that way. No you don't call, or text, even respond normally for that matter, but I don't want you to start speaking to me out of guilt or because I said something about it. I'd much rather you spoke to me becuase you want to speak to me. Or hang out with me because you actually want to hang out with me, not because I opened my mouth. That would show that on some level I am somebody to you...

Bye,

-HaS

I gotta say Im not there at night. Who knows you may miss my phone calls...I'm not there you may miss riding in my car...I'm not there who knows, you might miss me showing up at your office...I'm not there who knows you might actually miss me at times...to be honest I would never know...you might still have that picture of me on your desk (I highly doubt it but hey)...I wouldn't know I'm not there I may have left a scar...if I did I hope it heals soon...I would never know, damn...I hope you do miss me on some level...but like I said I'm not there, I would never truly know...      

Siempre, y Nunca

Tal vez me he encontrado con la chica perfecta
los problemas son totalmente diferentes de lo que yo nunca pensé que podría ser
Me refiero a primera vista que ver lo que sé
A primera vista, lo que ir tras ella también
diciendo que ella está bien maldito
ella es inteligente maldito
pero todos los demás que a su vez nigga y ejecutar si supieran lo que yo sabía
Creo firmemente en la importancia de su
que vale la pena la lucha
no se trata de mi orgullo
pero en esta chica que no sólo renunciar a
ella me enseñó mucho sobre mí misma en el poco tiempo que he conocido su
de lo que debo considerar en mi mismo a otros modos de vida
Me siento como que está a punto de ayudar a mí en la dirección de mis padres no podían
No estamos diciendo que es [Dios], o cualquier cosa, pero ella está haciendo cosas que me i cant incluso comenzar a explicar
mi corazón estaba confundido sobre las cosas que nunca había pensado en be4
Recuerdo decir a su "Yo no es que estás acostumbrado a"
Lo gracioso es que ... ella ha estado diciendo que a mí
ella me hace sonreír de manera que nadie nunca ha
i like it
alguien nos dijo hoy
"Ustedes dos están en el amor"
ella respondió antes que yo
"YEAH! Somos!"
nunca antes había que
nunca había alguien que sabía wasnt va a ninguna parte
nunca había alguien que quería que yo allí no me necesitaba allí
nunca había sido capaz de escribir sobre alguien como este antes de

Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una chica en mi thats tanto como yo a ella
de lo que veo, ella es
Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una chica que puede ser con amigos y amantes
de lo que veo, ella es
Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una niña que se reunirán a mitad de camino me
de lo que veo, lo que hace

Me asusta la forma en que ella es gran me
Me asusta lo cerca que estamos ya
Me asusta i casi dejarla pasar por mí

I wish I was...

>>>[Got to Get My Heart Back- Keyshia Cole]<<<
{WIP}
Believe it or not this picture was taken of me by you almost a year ago. I have to say I wish I was still this man. I wish I could still be him, I wish I could still be this man because you loved him so much. You had a passion and desire to be with him. He felt that you loved him. He felt secure in his relationship with you. He wasn't worried with trivial things. He wasn't disheartened when he heard your ex's name. His face didn't frown up when you left his side. You would call him every morning and every night. You would make sure he was your first and you last every night. You were scared but you trusted him with your heart. He was the first person you thought of when you woke up. You were the first thing he thought of when he woke up. You and him got along so easily back then. You two just worked. There was no effort. You were willing to work out all differences you may have had between each other. He had a love affair with you heart that I am so jealous of. He could reach you, not in a physical sense but on an emotional level. You two were inseparable. He was your turtle. He made you believe in love. He was far from a closed chapter in your life. Your heart wasn't so torn between two men as it is now. He had a hold on you that never made you fight yourself about being with someone else. I wish I was him again. I wish I could meet you tomorrow. I wish I could, I'd love you so much better, I'd do so many things differently. I wouldn't be where I am now. It hurts so much to know I am not him anymore. It...I...I wanna be him, I wanna be me again...I want to be him for you again...I wanna put you back together and you put me back together just like we did the first time.

Now I feel like I can't even so much as get you to understand me or how I'm feeling anymore. I feel like I can't reach you, I feel so out of touch with you and your heart...Let me know if you feel the same way...


{to be continued}

A modest apology

Dear Love,

I must apologize. You have never wanted one, most likely never will. I had some thinking done today. Its not your fault I am basically alone. Its not your fault at all. I will admit I wish I had my friends here still. I shouldn't project that out on to you. I know you think I'm gassing this up but seriously this is how I truly feel. Its not your fault. I am sincerely apologetic for doing that. I'm glad you went out and had a great weekend this weekend. You deserve them more than anybody. I saw the pictures Soozi put up on facebook, you look like you had fun. I'm glad you did.I know for a fact that no weekends are like weekends with friends.

Seriously its not your fault I feel the way I feel. You aren't the person that needs to be my crutch. You shouldn't be forced to spend all your time with me because I have no friends of my own. You aren't the reason I feel like a nobody, because I have no friends. I apologize for creating that burden for you. I know its probably why you felt as though you had to always talk to me or call me or talk to me or spend all your time with me. I am also apologetic for placing that burden on our relationship as well.

I came to the conclusion that I am burdening you with my lack of a larger ring of friends. I place a weight on you that I am basically always alone. I should never do that. I am also apologetic for that as well.

I'm positive you'll have an even better summer this year than last year. 

Love,

HaS

>>>{The Fray- Look After You}<<<

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

As February...

As February closes, and the days grow longer
I begin notice another with you I've grown another month stronger
I still have high hopes my love, with a lesser worrisome tone
I still dream of what did at Julianna's small and drunk home
The things we said I still do believe
I just hope I can save whats left of your heart and convince you to never leave
So its time to get back on my grind, and roll up my sleeves
I'm NOT gonna try harder, JUST not make you not leave
No my love I'm gonna remind of why we are here in this
of why were still in this relationship
I wanna remind you of what created our spark
and see the light that faded in you heart
flicker back up with power pride passion and sunshiney weather :)
I wanna show you I'm changing for you and for the better
I promise you I'm gonna hold on to you through all the bad weather
I'm gonna show you what we are building is way stronger and better
than any thing this storm can brew
I wanna show you how much I truly love you
yet at the same time show you why it is that you love me too

Baby I deserve

Maybe I Deserve- Tank

Oooh hey hey well well well
Do you mind if I tell the
truth for a second ya'll

Maybe I deserve
to wonder who's calling so damn late
For you to say im trippin
it's just a homie from
upstate (said it's just a
homie)
Dont he know it's 1:00 in the morning
you say it's cool baby it's cool

Baby I deserve
for you to say he's coming
into town ( later on this
evenin)
and he's just wondering if you
and him can hang out
I dont like it but I know I gotta trust you
It aint cool cause I know it's true

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

For you to put on a sexy dress
for me to ask you Who the hell
you trying to impress
for you to laugh it off
like it aint nothing
I know it's something Maybe just maybe

Maybe I deserve
to sit a home and wonder where you are
is he kissing you touching
you holding you what
Take a drink and help ease my mind
I wanna be mad after all those times
Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

for me to ask you where you been
Maybe I deserve
for you to say I better stop tripping
Maybe I deserve
To grab your neck until you let me know
Maybe I deserve
for you to run crying, crying out the door
Maybe I deserve
to grab my coat and chase
you down the street
Maybe I deserve
To say it aint you it's my own insecurity
Maybe I deserve
for you to say yes I cheated on you
Maybe I deserve
I wont care cause after all I put
you through I deserve
Maybe I deserve
I deserve yeah yeah yeah
To be mistreated sometimes
Maybe I deserve
to even be lied to sometimes
Maybe I deserve
Maybe you should go cheat on me
Maybe I deserve
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
Maybe I should sit and wait by the phone
Maybe I deserve
Cause I paged you about 3 or 4 times
Maybe I deserve
girl I know girl I know I
done put you through
Maybe I deserve
I done put you through hell
and I dont care
Maybe I deserve
and I dont care
and I deserve
see a man cant take another
man pleasing our woman
we cant even stand waiting by the phone
But we do the same shit


Damn ya'll I did it again :/

Your <3 I hope

Pardon me miss

But can I hope to inconvenience
Your Heart
for a moment beautiful woman
even if I couldn't
make it my own
one day in hopes
to make you smile
for a little more than a while
and not just for tonight
but the rest of your life
and the rest of the days sunlight
and the nights moonlight
where the stars shine as bright
as your eyes
which captivate me like your subtle surprise
and the sun beaming and warm and beautiful as your smile

maybe I'm wrong for still going on
and still hanging on
but pardon my intrusion
into your heart
I want neither a piece nor a part
but I was hoping that one day
I could make you mine
and make you see that your love belongs to me, you could say its mine

So you'll give me a chance and let me
I see what it is
Well guide me to where your love is
the place where the road is paved in your love
painted in your affection
to your everlasting love
I wanna be the one u sing about
write about
talk about
never walk without
dream about
laugh about
cry about
think about
scream about
the fact that you can't live without
me, or us, or all of what was
I wanna have all of your love

Show me the way to your heart where the warmth is
send me letters from heaven saying how powerful this love is

Baby I wanna be the one you make plans with
the one you call at night and fall asleep with
yes over the phone
when no ones at home
you call me to tell me come over so you don't have to be alone
The one who excites you
the one who always invites you
the one who ignites you
and sets you soul a blaze
while making the haze fade away
the one who opens your eyes
and shows you whats real and true
The one you call sweety, honey, boo
baby, babes, babe, bbz, tuya
tu vida, tu rey
tu amor
and more

I wanna love you like no other
that makes you feel like a potential mother
so happy and proud and grateful to be
The one you call your hubby to be
I wanna love you with passion unseen and unmatched

or maybe I'm just asking to much
and this is all a big dream
to one day have your heart

My problem and my apology

I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

RE: Love

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;

In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;

In halls, in gay attire is seen;

In hamlets, dances on the green.

Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,

And men below and saints above;

For love is heaven, and heaven is love.

~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Posted by ★»»[Jezzuka]«« at 8:58 PM

For yours is heaven and heaven is yours
Your love is the water that helps the seed
The force beneath my feet and rumble underneath the sea
swaying back and forth I feel its power
amongst the trees never seizing, never stopping, even in the darkest hour
from my feet to my head to my back from my chest
your love flows through me; north to south; east to west
-HaS

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
HIM
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."

Am I Worthy?

Never in my life have I ever had this issue or question ever cross my mind, I have no idea how to handle it. Its like seriously all wrapped up into one single question. Am I worthy of such a woman? Am I worthy enough to even know this woman? Do I have enough self worth as to be able to call myself her boyfriend? If you ask her family, I wouldn't know what to tell you. I'm hoping. I am. But it seems so hard to ignore now. Its hard for me to say this but maybe I'm not worthy of her hand. Maybe I'm just not the right person to make her happy for the rest of her life even for the next few years. I love her so much. I want doors to open up for us. I'm willing to wait and see what happens in March but somehow I have a feeling it won't be a great thing for me. I have this odd feeling it will be great for her in the long run. But it will leave me speechless and heartbroken. I don't know what to say about this but. I want to be with her. I WANT JESSICA Antonia Aybar Hernandez, and no one else. But God always has another plan for me and it always involves me being....single....solo...alone...and in turn...VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY............
unhappy....


the even more fucked part about it is...when i'm single and miserable all i want is what I have now...i FINALLY HAVE someone that i truly feel is into me as much i as them...I feel like she loves me just as much if not more than I do her...and for some reason it never fails...theres always somethings topping me from being happy...you know i could say fuck it and go an attempt to be happy by myself but I don't want to, I want to be with her...I feel like Ive gotten into something that EVEN IF I EVER DID want to WALK AWAY FROM...my heart wouldn't let me...I'd keep running right back to her....I know in life nothing is perfect and nothing goes exactly as planned...but the fucked thing about it is...HER AND I NEVER PLANNED THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!! I'm sorry I fell in love with the most BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT HAS EVER GRACED ME WITH HER PRESENCE IN MY LIFE!....I apologize Lord I do...but even if I cant marry her...even if I cant make her a misses...Even if I cant make her the mother of my children...or travel the world with her...even if I cant fulfill her dreams....I know for a fact I will always wish I could have...I will always wish I could have married her...I will always wish I woke up next to her...I will always look back at my relationship with her and compare it to ever single one i had and have there after....whats the point of me ever moving on if all i'll ever do is look back and wish I was still with her?

Dear Lord,
Am I worthy?
Amen,
Hassan Omar Jr

dearly 633 70v3D

Dearly 633 70v3D,

I know how things may look and things seem so very bleak and hopeless. I see the pain and the heart ache that you suffer through. I wish I could make it go away. I wish you didn't have this problem. I know God doesn't give us a problem we can't handle. But sometimes I wish I could take the heat for you. I wish I could somehow change your mind. I see everyday that's impossible. I feel so very alone and lost. I know that you hearing this hurts but I'm only human baby. The same situation keeps coming up because you have done nothing to change that. And doing as they say solves nothing. It compromises everything about you. My love you are so very strong. So very strong. I wish I could take away the hurt and the pain but I can't. If anything follow your moms example. She still hasn't faced your dad. I believe you know where I'm going with that thought. I understand that they are your family and leaving would sacrificing a lot. But I don't want you to stay for me or for us. I want you to stay because you have so much more here you can do. You never know you could one day open up a shelter for women. I mean you have endless possibilities here in the US that you have worked so hard to attain. I admire your drive in the world so very much. When I met you I saw you had many strengths I also(over time) saw where I could give you strength and support that you don't have. I felt like I could make you whole. And in return you could also make me whole too(#,_,#). I know I don't have to make such a choice but I have been faced with it many times before and every time I fight for them. ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IN THIS WORLD IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! NOTHING IS JUST GIVEN TO YOU! and sometimes you have no other choice but to just take it. Love is one of the basic human rights set forth by the united nations I believe. You didn't make a mistake in loving me and letting yourself fall in love with me. You are not at fault. They are. They just want to control you and tell you what to do. They don't care if you fall in love or not. They don't care if you love the guy you marry. If they approve of him its because they like him and approve of him and your choice, NOT of you. I know you want their love, pride, and approval. But I think you are putting too much of yourself on the line for them. I believe if they loved you, if they cared, and approved of you and were proud of you. They would see all that you have accomplished and done for them so far and tell you. They wouldn't react they way they do. They are doomed to teach what they were taught. They didn't learn from it. They didn't question it as you do. You have taken the boldest step of them all. You opened you eyes to see their faults. Don't punish them for them. But also don't kill yourself trying to be what inevitably maybe an unattainable want. I'm in a tight spot too babe.I'm faced with a problem. I have a wonderful girl friend whom I hope to "WED" one day. She is in a FUCKED UP situation and I can't let this go. I could walk away and pretend like I don't care. I could just be done with you and never speak to you again. I could get angry and curse you out and break up with you and blame everything on you. I could do so many things. But I know my place is right here with you. I wish I could reach in your head and flip a switch that says open mental and spiritual eyes but I can't. I have to say the correct words in the correct combination to do that.
My love, my heart, my soul mate baby there is no such thing as love being wrong it can't be. No matter what they say. They love each other, whether they say you can or not, it aint true. You can love me, if loving you is wrong then I'll be wrong i don't want to be right.(no cliche intended). They fought for their right to be together. So should we. My love you and I have been building something worth fighting for. Love is not something you can abandon and expect it not to haunt you. I love you so very very much with all my soul. We can do so much. I do believe if we work together, assuming you stayed, that your family may not approve at first but one day they would see you in the news paper and realize the truth. That one day your parents may have to eat their words. I believe that you can do that. I believe that you can make them proud. I believe that you could possibly get your family back.

Test of faith

Things are starting to unravel
and life seems like its readying arms
and building its masses as it prepares for battle.
So many others would panic and fold under the pressure
but on my neck there is a symbol of hope
representing grace under pressure.
I feel like I can get through this with ease
Its the first of many test GOD has for me
I know he is behind me and knows I can do for him what he
created me to do.


I see that there are many things that could separate you and i
my love. But this is all a test from Him. I believe he has faith in
us. I see these things as just tests to show us how much closer we can get.
I hope and pray you see them as gateways into each others arms.
I know we already are but I want us to get closer. I want to reach a level
neither of us has ever reached mentally, emotionally, physically, and intimately.
to create a bond between us that couldn't be shattered by any minor worldly
problem. I know its a lot to ask of you at the moment. But these things can wait. We have to take it one day at a time. And I promise to be there. I just want you to understand that I'm all ears baby. I hear to listen and understand. As well as throw in any help, advice, comfort, and support you may ever or never thought you ever need. There is only one thing I wish from you. I wish you would look to me for help like you did when you were stuck in Buckhead. I don't want you to need me. I just want you to understand you can't do it alone. I'm here for you. We can do anything baby. I know you're thinking you've got some obstacles. But they are just obstacles not walls. but even walls can be climbed. From B.O.A. to school to Chewie to your family. I am here. I wanna hear your thoughts and your feelings. I wanna know your dreams and all your goals. I want to know you fully as separate person but i want to know you also as another part of me as well and vise versa.
I love you so very much. but as much as these statement may scare you, I want more from us. I want to continue building. I see us reaching a very successful plateau. I just know I can't do this alone.

Will and Jada

I will admit that I was en el bano(hahaha)
and I decided to pick up an essence magazine in front of me
It had Jada Pinkette-Smith on the cover
So I decided to read in on the Smiths' life and love
I found them to be inspiring
The way they described each other and the way
they loved one another and supported one another
made me want to do the same.
I want a love that "I created"
A love where I push the other person to do
their God Given best. And have them do the same.
I mean look at where they are. They have GREAT careers.
They are in Hollywood but still don't have the media
prying into their lives. The must have WONDERFUL credentials.
I want that. I want to move to California and start a family and have a
great career. It sounds odd coming from a man's mouth. But they are what I want.
I want that from life. I want to be able to look at my partner and see she is happy and comfortable and feels safe and proud of what we have accomplished.
maybe i just want to much from life :(

I finally finally finally finally think i did it

I think I finally crossed that void
I think I may have finally allowed myself
to just put it out there
I think my heart finally is to speak again
I think I may actually be able let it go!
I think the lingering pain is finally numbing
I think I'm finally allowing myself the ability to finally!
put myself back together...it feels good!
and honestly I hope that it can only get better :)

ps thanks for wanting to help...you did alot without lifting a finger

when the dust settles

Passion, pain, pride, power.
All the things I gain with you by the hour
in your soul, I pray I lay.
I feel like I've made some mistakes.

Recently we've been kind of off
I feel as though I have been REALLY fuckin up.
I feel like I confuse your heart
Like I confuse your soul
Like I don't hold you enough when we finish
Like I don't kiss you enough
Like I don't laugh enough with you
Like I forgot our inside jokes
Like I just nearly lost you.
I've been feeling like I have been losing you for
a while now
To you it may seem to be second thoughts
or doubts
or feelings of thinking of getting out

and For that I apologize
I apologize for everything
I wish I didn't have to go thru this to figure out
how you felt
I dont wanna call you babes...
but Sweethart(thats how i say it...lol) I Love You
I really do
I see a bright future ahead of us
All I need is a sign from you that says
I'm ready...a sign that says I TRULY AM HERE
with you
Today I got that sign
I dont have doubts anymore
I will admit that I did
I will admit I did you wrong
I will admit that I truly am APOLOGETIC

My doubts:

You calling him babes
Feeling like you were still together with him
Feeling like you secretly wanted him and all I was, was filler
Feeling like you were going to leave me at any moment for him
Feeling like I wasn't really what you wanted
Feeling as though you were carrying another relationship behind my back
Feeling as though I can't trust you

My Hopes?

You dont call him babes
That you do just want a friend level with him and nothing more
That you don't give him false hope for the future
That you don't have a secret relationship with him
that you truly truly do love me the way I love you

What I know NOW:

I can trust you...



Let me Fix your heart, But promise me that it will be only be mine....

sraet

What amount of strength does it take?
What is it that I have to do?
Why is it that it seems nearly impossible?
It seems as though my heart is just ripping up
It wants one thing so badly but it seems like it will never happen
Its funny cuz through the years I never thought
I'd be asking for something so simple
Something that never ever crossed my mind as a problem
Now Its my number hope and my number one dream

Its hard loving a person and knowing you may never
have them. It even harder knowing how hard it is on them
So times a brother just needs a guaranteed Christmas wish
My God would that make my world so much more easier
I will never change my mind until she herself gives up
but until then...its incredibly hard

The Issue con mi corazon

Sometimes i just wonder if everything I do is in vein?
Sometimes I question everything if there really isn't much to
base the question off of?
Sometimes I wonder if I spoke too soon...
I live everyday hoping for the best
I live everyday praying for the best
Yet everyday I prepare for the worst,
No doubts just bad feelings
No second thoughts a heart drop feeling

Sometimes I wish I didnt have such a fragile heart....

hopes and dreams

Throughout our lives we have dreams in which we hope to come true
they are complex yet simple, small but grand
indifferent and mighty yet sometimes completely unexplainable
and just us they live and breathe and yet again just like us
they also must die(,_,)
"It is the inevitable cycle of exist all things must come to and end, all things must conclude,...take the analogy of the tree that grows in Brooklyn among the steal and concrete with all its glorious branches and leaves, one day he too will pass on its legacy to the seeds it drops to the ground, and as men carry these seeds throughout the land and they take root, a new life will begin for each one of them, AS THEY STAND AS A MONUMENT TO THE ONE THAT CAME BEFORE"
These words scratch at my head as i reflect upon my day today. They scream to me as i remember what was. And remember the feelings of others. We build our entire lives on these dreams. When the die we sometimes lose track of what and WHO we are. Dreams define you yet your heart guides you. Let your dreams live but realize they don't fully die, they just change grow and adapt as we do...;)