Monday, January 26, 2009

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Am I Worthy?

Never in my life have I ever had this issue or question ever cross my mind, I have no idea how to handle it. Its like seriously all wrapped up into one single question. Am I worthy of such a woman? Am I worthy enough to even know this woman? Do I have enough self worth as to be able to call myself her boyfriend? If you ask her family, I wouldn't know what to tell you. I'm hoping. I am. But it seems so hard to ignore now. Its hard for me to say this but maybe I'm not worthy of her hand. Maybe I'm just not the right person to make her happy for the rest of her life even for the next few years. I love her so much. I want doors to open up for us. I'm willing to wait and see what happens in March but somehow I have a feeling it won't be a great thing for me. I have this odd feeling it will be great for her in the long run. But it will leave me speechless and heartbroken. I don't know what to say about this but. I want to be with her. I WANT JESSICA Antonia Aybar Hernandez, and no one else. But God always has another plan for me and it always involves me being....single....solo...alone...and in turn...VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY............

the even more fucked part about it is...when i'm single and miserable all i want is what I have now...i FINALLY HAVE someone that i truly feel is into me as much i as them...I feel like she loves me just as much if not more than I do her...and for some reason it never fails...theres always somethings topping me from being know i could say fuck it and go an attempt to be happy by myself but I don't want to, I want to be with her...I feel like Ive gotten into something that EVEN IF I EVER DID want to WALK AWAY heart wouldn't let me...I'd keep running right back to her....I know in life nothing is perfect and nothing goes exactly as planned...but the fucked thing about it is...HER AND I NEVER PLANNED THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!! I'm sorry I fell in love with the most BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT HAS EVER GRACED ME WITH HER PRESENCE IN MY LIFE!....I apologize Lord I do...but even if I cant marry her...even if I cant make her a misses...Even if I cant make her the mother of my children...or travel the world with her...even if I cant fulfill her dreams....I know for a fact I will always wish I could have...I will always wish I could have married her...I will always wish I woke up next to her...I will always look back at my relationship with her and compare it to ever single one i had and have there after....whats the point of me ever moving on if all i'll ever do is look back and wish I was still with her?

Dear Lord,
Am I worthy?
Hassan Omar Jr

Monday, January 19, 2009

My Strength

"We know that what we reap we sow
but we forget how long we can go
you think its bad here on earth but if we don't
get to heaven its hell, hell, hell, hell
hell, hell, hell"
I believe in a higher power
Today I had a lot of time
thinking things over about my
life and my decisions and all the
things I have overcome in my short
life time. For some reason my
faith has grown stronger this year
I know it to be a good thing, yet I
have to ask my self why?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

dearly 633 70v3D

Dearly 633 70v3D,

I know how things may look and things seem so very bleak and hopeless. I see the pain and the heart ache that you suffer through. I wish I could make it go away. I wish you didn't have this problem. I know God doesn't give us a problem we can't handle. But sometimes I wish I could take the heat for you. I wish I could somehow change your mind. I see everyday that's impossible. I feel so very alone and lost. I know that you hearing this hurts but I'm only human baby. The same situation keeps coming up because you have done nothing to change that. And doing as they say solves nothing. It compromises everything about you. My love you are so very strong. So very strong. I wish I could take away the hurt and the pain but I can't. If anything follow your moms example. She still hasn't faced your dad. I believe you know where I'm going with that thought. I understand that they are your family and leaving would sacrificing a lot. But I don't want you to stay for me or for us. I want you to stay because you have so much more here you can do. You never know you could one day open up a shelter for women. I mean you have endless possibilities here in the US that you have worked so hard to attain. I admire your drive in the world so very much. When I met you I saw you had many strengths I also(over time) saw where I could give you strength and support that you don't have. I felt like I could make you whole. And in return you could also make me whole too(#,_,#). I know I don't have to make such a choice but I have been faced with it many times before and every time I fight for them. ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IN THIS WORLD IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! NOTHING IS JUST GIVEN TO YOU! and sometimes you have no other choice but to just take it. Love is one of the basic human rights set forth by the united nations I believe. You didn't make a mistake in loving me and letting yourself fall in love with me. You are not at fault. They are. They just want to control you and tell you what to do. They don't care if you fall in love or not. They don't care if you love the guy you marry. If they approve of him its because they like him and approve of him and your choice, NOT of you. I know you want their love, pride, and approval. But I think you are putting too much of yourself on the line for them. I believe if they loved you, if they cared, and approved of you and were proud of you. They would see all that you have accomplished and done for them so far and tell you. They wouldn't react they way they do. They are doomed to teach what they were taught. They didn't learn from it. They didn't question it as you do. You have taken the boldest step of them all. You opened you eyes to see their faults. Don't punish them for them. But also don't kill yourself trying to be what inevitably maybe an unattainable want. I'm in a tight spot too babe.I'm faced with a problem. I have a wonderful girl friend whom I hope to "WED" one day. She is in a FUCKED UP situation and I can't let this go. I could walk away and pretend like I don't care. I could just be done with you and never speak to you again. I could get angry and curse you out and break up with you and blame everything on you. I could do so many things. But I know my place is right here with you. I wish I could reach in your head and flip a switch that says open mental and spiritual eyes but I can't. I have to say the correct words in the correct combination to do that.
My love, my heart, my soul mate baby there is no such thing as love being wrong it can't be. No matter what they say. They love each other, whether they say you can or not, it aint true. You can love me, if loving you is wrong then I'll be wrong i don't want to be right.(no cliche intended). They fought for their right to be together. So should we. My love you and I have been building something worth fighting for. Love is not something you can abandon and expect it not to haunt you. I love you so very very much with all my soul. We can do so much. I do believe if we work together, assuming you stayed, that your family may not approve at first but one day they would see you in the news paper and realize the truth. That one day your parents may have to eat their words. I believe that you can do that. I believe that you can make them proud. I believe that you could possibly get your family back.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Test of faith

Things are starting to unravel
and life seems like its readying arms
and building its masses as it prepares for battle.
So many others would panic and fold under the pressure
but on my neck there is a symbol of hope
representing grace under pressure.
I feel like I can get through this with ease
Its the first of many test GOD has for me
I know he is behind me and knows I can do for him what he
created me to do.

I see that there are many things that could separate you and i
my love. But this is all a test from Him. I believe he has faith in
us. I see these things as just tests to show us how much closer we can get.
I hope and pray you see them as gateways into each others arms.
I know we already are but I want us to get closer. I want to reach a level
neither of us has ever reached mentally, emotionally, physically, and intimately.
to create a bond between us that couldn't be shattered by any minor worldly
problem. I know its a lot to ask of you at the moment. But these things can wait. We have to take it one day at a time. And I promise to be there. I just want you to understand that I'm all ears baby. I hear to listen and understand. As well as throw in any help, advice, comfort, and support you may ever or never thought you ever need. There is only one thing I wish from you. I wish you would look to me for help like you did when you were stuck in Buckhead. I don't want you to need me. I just want you to understand you can't do it alone. I'm here for you. We can do anything baby. I know you're thinking you've got some obstacles. But they are just obstacles not walls. but even walls can be climbed. From B.O.A. to school to Chewie to your family. I am here. I wanna hear your thoughts and your feelings. I wanna know your dreams and all your goals. I want to know you fully as separate person but i want to know you also as another part of me as well and vise versa.
I love you so very much. but as much as these statement may scare you, I want more from us. I want to continue building. I see us reaching a very successful plateau. I just know I can't do this alone.

Will and Jada

I will admit that I was en el bano(hahaha)
and I decided to pick up an essence magazine in front of me
It had Jada Pinkette-Smith on the cover
So I decided to read in on the Smiths' life and love
I found them to be inspiring
The way they described each other and the way
they loved one another and supported one another
made me want to do the same.
I want a love that "I created"
A love where I push the other person to do
their God Given best. And have them do the same.
I mean look at where they are. They have GREAT careers.
They are in Hollywood but still don't have the media
prying into their lives. The must have WONDERFUL credentials.
I want that. I want to move to California and start a family and have a
great career. It sounds odd coming from a man's mouth. But they are what I want.
I want that from life. I want to be able to look at my partner and see she is happy and comfortable and feels safe and proud of what we have accomplished.
maybe i just want to much from life :(


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