Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Always, and Never

Maybe I have met the perfect girl
the problems are completely different than i ever thought they'd be
i mean at first glance you would see what I know
at first glance you'd go after her too
saying damn she's fine
damn she's smart
but every other nigga would turn and run if they knew what i knew
i feel strongly about her
she's worth the fight
it aint about my pride
but on this girl i will not just give up
she's showed me alot about myself in the short time i've known her
from what i should consider in myself to other ways of life
i feel like she's helping to point me in the direction my parents couldn't
not saying she's [God] or anything but she's doing things to me i cant even begin to explain
my heart was confused on things it had never thought of be4
i remember saying to her "I aint what you're used to"
funny thing is...she should've been saying that to me
she makes me smile in ways nobody else ever has
i like it
someone said to us today
"You two are in love"
she responded before i did
"YEAH! We are!"
never had that before
never had someone i knew wasnt going anywhere
never had someone who wanted me there not needed me there
never been able to write about someone like this before

I always used to say i want a girl thats into me as much as i to her
from what i see, she is
I always used to say i want a girl i can be friends and lovers with
from what i see, she is
I always used to say i want a girl that will meet me halfway
from what i see, she does

It scares me how great she is to me
It scares me how close we are already
It scares me i almost let her pass me by

Thursday, October 16, 2008

inside my mind

I dont trust anyone!

honestly i dont...
I have a sinful amount of pride
and have no faith in anyones abilties
i judge people without knowing them
i could careless about others feelings
until i hurt them and see the ramifications of my
actions. these are my thoughts from day to day
i snoop and snoop til i dig up the truth about people
its like i can't help it i must have proof
you say you care well
i'll say i believe you
but you can best believe i'm gonna dig to
find the truth
once i do i hold you to it
if you break it, OMFG for some reason its like
you may never be trusted by me again
i dont know what my problem is really

I question my feelings, my motives, i question my faith
my beliefs, my own self esteem even
I trust no one, not even myself :(
so i walk alone usually
always trapped inside my head asking questions
and searching for answers nobody asks really(unless your a dork or 100% like me)
i see my girl friend
i see my mother
i see my best friends
i see that i barely know what the fuck i'm doing
honestly i do what feels right
i dont put massive amounts of thought into
anything i do really
if it feels right
i do it
if it feels wrong i question it
and most of the time
it feels wrong...
you can ask me a question about anything that has a yes or no answer
and i wont answer you with a yes or no
why....CUZ if you havent already read in the above
statements i question everything and think to much
i'm f'n neurotic and to be honest
i think i may actually be ADD

just by reading my own shit i can see my mind jumping from topic to topic
to topic, idk...:/
yo no fuckin se


Thursday, October 9, 2008

El heroe roto

its hard to be happy when your not normally happy
when you have so much to be grateful for
so much to celebrate
so much to live for
so much to die for
so little to denounce yet so much to announce
my heart is broken still
i have someone who is fixing that
yet its like, why is that I'm still broken
why is it that she has to fix what someone else broke
it ain't her job
I'm broken
i'm lost and confused
i'm one of those people who appears to have their head on straight
who looks like they have their shit together
but on the inside its so fucked up
its hard to focus on anything important anymore
i find it hard to focus on school cuz i'm so damn focused on being happy
on feeling good, on smiling
with her i dont have to try its true she makes me smile with ease
but what about the vast amount of time we arent in contact
the moments of idle time sitting at work making a pizza(yeah *sigh*)
or the moments she's completely asleep and i'm awake
and the times i'm in the shower, taking a shower
i find it so hard to focus on life itself
theres so much i should be doing
but i cant focus on the shit thats on the outside
when everything on the inside is so fucked up
it aint cuz of one person
NO its numerous people
i constantly feel like i'm just a walking through life with stick to the ground
nothing else to guide
i wake up in the dark
sleep in the dark
eat in the dark
and show my love to those around me completely blind
i don't know where i wanna go in my life
i always feel like i'm supposed to do this great deed
or this powerful thing that affects the world
guess thats why i feel like i have to be a superhero
*sigh* even heroes cry

Sunday, October 5, 2008


Melancholy moments of alone time
Those quiet yet loud chimes
Those moments when you just wanna sit
grab a good chair,good music and listen
And just listen and let go of all your shit
no distractions, no reason to pay attention
the outside world can keep moving
me,well i'm sittin
not waiting
just patiently sitting
as if I'm expecting something
that silent moment so cold
yet so warm and bold
as I sit there in my chair listening
I write, no addressee,no intent on writing
just a long quiet moment, no shame, but no jolly
just a simple peaceful moment of peace and melancholy


He said some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard
Well I say what made it easier was receiving a card
Or a reminder that somebody cares
Just the little notes that let you know somebody's still there
I guess when I say through all the pain
I lost what had bluntly already gained
I just keep pursuing happiness, GOD I love the chase
I just hope that one day I finally meet it face to face

that feeling

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/

You feel like your fucking up/
Your heart beats' still/
Your back's got chills/
Emotionally your shooken up/
Kinda paranoid wondering what the answers gon' be/
Are gon' stick by my side or are you gon' leave?/
Man I get the verdict and it can't be/
The only time I'm truly happy is in my dreams/
I fall asleep on time, ready to die, ready to leave/
My dreams are happy they are where I wanna be/
I awake late, tired, and unhappy/
Then the pain kicks in/
My mind bends/
My world spins/
And I really can't comprehend/
Why I feel this feeling in my chest/
How long must I wait to get rid of this weakness/
How long must I suffer through such heartache and distress/

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/
And for some reason you know its over but you can't get them out of your head/

I dare to dream

I dare to dream-
I dare to never let anything kill myself esteem-
I have encountered many a obstacle-
I will accomplish what many deem impossible-
I was brought up better than that-
I am what you can never be as a matter a fact-
Who I am is pure pride, passion and "POWER"-
Those who can't go in my direction can just cower-
Because when the light shines on me, during my hour-
I will stand tall and never collapse and have my dreams devour-
The inner me will always stay true-
As true as my families black and blue-
While the world admires whose currently in the booth-
I'm still busy day to day delivering the whole truth-
I say I will make it, using every last breathe-
Nothing will stop not even my own death-

so today(12-29-2007) i was told i cant go where i wanna go to college becuz of money!
and you know what i refuse to let money set me back
so now i'm gonna have to go home to chicago and do 4 years there in business!
after that i can go where i want to
i hate it but damnit i gotta do what i gotta do you know
so dont ever let anything stand in the way of what you want
and since i preach it
i will follow it!
i set myself up to get where i am today
and i refuse to let anything stand in my way!
nothing will stop me
not even death...

losing my grip

I used have my mind on grind always on my shit
Now I'm slowly losing my grip
My mother says its growing pains
I call it digging my grave
Constantly feel like I'm stuck on one page
I feel like i'm going insane
My best friend says take it one day at a time
How can I when I'm lost in my mind
I find myself always searching for the answers to questions nobody ever asked
I find my sick and twisted thoughts funny and humorous, i cant help but laugh
I'm losing it, I'm slipping and theres nothing to grab on to
Nothing holding me up nor holding me down with you
somethings in my mind i know arent real as a matter a fact
but i feel like i'm 2 feet deep if fall to 6 feet theres no turning back

the vine

Seems like this is always on my mind-
tick tock click clock no need to read the time-
cuz you never leave the confines-
of this 6 walled box connected to my spine-
and with everything i see you attached like a vine-
a simple touch begins to rewind-
and take me back to a time-
when i put a smile on your face-
yet somehow with your past i’m in a constant race-
to bad i’m always in last place-
i seem to catch up but they seem to change pace-
and while i’m looking at them another quickly relates-
so while i’m not looking he steals the food from my plate-
and leaves me jaw dropped when i look up at your face-
dangerously in love with you, do anything to not be what you had-
take anything i get from you good or bad-
heartbroken, happy or sad-
do anything in the world just see if you’ll follow my voice-
and see that with me you must make the same choice-
yeah i fuck up and make you mad and such-
but when you love someone truly you can never get enough-

what is love

So i been on this lil planet for about 18 so odd years now and I've come across one little thing that everybody can't live without yet can never explain in the same way....simply put the natural necessity for LOVE...yeah that four letter word....the one that some of us are lucky enough to have witnessed and been apart of, yet also the very same victim of....the taker of lives, the starter of wars, the cause of peace, the one thing that can bring you up and break you down...the bringer of life and the cause of death....the shaker of the heart and the calmer of souls....Love is passion in my eyes....something no one can live without...I asked many of people to define love

-Sabrina Bamberger:"Some one you would die for"
-Stephanie Amae: "Love is when you cry at night and you think about them all day long and even though they dont speak to you if you hear they've moved on you smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you want to do is cry.There is no past tense to love either you do or you never did thats love"
-Alison Bell: "That's hard...But I know its much more than a feeling. Its not infatuation. Its a verb and is demonstrated. Its not prideful and forgives. Its patient and kind and rejoices in the truth. Love protects, trusts, hopes, preservers, and never fails. but no matter how you try to define it, its more than words."
-Alejandra Escobedo: "Giving a reason to live life at the fullest with no regrets and having no reason for insecurity sadness and depression. Having that unexplainable goosebumps with no reason. The thought of them in your head"
-Lauren: "It is something that you cant feel or see. Its something felt with the heart. Breath taking. At times it makes you blind to other things that surround you."
-Laura: "Damn I dont even know how to describe it"

Donna Mathieu: Love- the strongest most powerful emotion that nothing can break or bend. Love is the greatest thing about life. There are really no words that can fully define love or how great it is!

Those were all i got as of 4-15-2008

the song on my page is by mary j blige....I been there...being in love....its a great feeling you wake up in the morning and know your loved by someone is one of the greatest things on earth to know in my opinion. I mean your family and friends should always love you...but to be loved outside of that is what we as humans crave and desire. Many of us lose sight of it and think its things like sex, money, power, my mind those are extentions of love that were taken out of context...Love is the root of evil and the tree of life....Love is something i need in my life i'm starting to think i found it but just not in the way i want it to be...I love many people...but one i love so differently its amazingly i'd do anything to get things back to the way they are supposed to be....i found the key to get the relationship back but i just dont know if the love is strong enough to spark that flame back and get it burning again...idk...i have the worlds greatest best friend in NY i love her so much its to the point where i cant look at anything and remember her cuz its painful....idk...what does a soul do when it feels like they found what they want out of love yet cant reach it....the soul wants that particular love and nothing more nothing less....but the mere thought of trying seems to just be a failure.....

SO I ASK YOU what is LOVE?
define it...spell it...draw it...tell me figure out if my heart is in the right place... thanks



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