Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lessons that need to be unlearned and one new lesson to learned

My father never showed me my inner strength, partly because he wasn't taught his inner strength existed. My father taught me fear, mostly because he grew up scared himself. I always wondered why my dog was so fearful, I understand now, her master was fearful. I was never validated as a man by my father. In all actuality I was emasculated by him, verbally. I have so much anger and shame towards him mostly because of my constant unanswered questions about myself, my abilities, my manhood. Well they were answered...just every answer was always that I wasn't strong enough, that I didn't belong with the rest of strong men of the world, that I wasn't dangerous, that I wasn't powerful, that in the worlds eyes I was prey. The older I became the more I began to recognize that he was more fearful and defeated than I ever felt. I began to feel like he had failed me as father, I began to shun and disown him. Not once did he ever show me how to face my fears. Never did he ever praise me for my power or skill. I heard that he was proud of me but never believed him. After writing this I feel as though I have much to discuss with God.

First lesson is forgiveness...
Second lesson is unlearning all the painful lessons that he taught me....

with love

-Haze

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hopefully this will do


I hope he makes you the happiest woman on earth...
you deserve it...
I hope you actually have an anniversary now...
you deserve one
I hope the very best for the both you...

-Haze

I've been meaning to say this for the longest...

I'm inaffatuated with her, a coworker, well two coworkers.
One I can not wait to see or hear from or just talk to.
The other i wish the time existed for us
The 1st does so much for me its hard not to love her, well be inaffatuated with lol
The 2nd I just crave a what I can not have, sounds all too familiar.
The 1st is 6 1/2 years older than me yet we see eye to eye on almost everything
The 2nd is 2 months younger than me ,95% just like me, except that 5% percent I do not know yet
I want the 1st but I question whether I want her because I am incredibly lonely in NY or if I geniuely want her
I've wanted the 2nd for 10 months and am starting to believe the people around me were right about her...

Women...they arent the center of my universe...but what is Adam without Eve?

1 Love
-Hazee

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Wild At Heart

So Ive been reading this book...its so painful to know that somebody out there knows my problems, knows my pain, knows my struggles and doesn't even know me at all...

can tell me what ive been looking for all along...

its indescribable...

but the following people deserve and apology and my forgiveness

1. Jessica Aybar
2. Hassan Omar Sr
3. Sabrina Bamberger
4. Christena Hylton

check out this book

Wild at Heart or Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

Love
-Haze

PS: I wasn't able to finish this post because someone was rushing me. This book is  strong, powerful and dangerous to read. If you don't approach this book the correct way it could possibly do more damage...I guess what I am trying to say is if you have ever read a single post by me on here go back to the post el roto hero after reading the first 7 chapters of Wild at Heart and it will all make sense...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

2 Months, 2 Jobs, and 1 Black out drunk night

So as many of you may know I am in NY duh right!?

Well as of today I have been in New York for 2 months and what do I have to show for all my efforts at beginning life a New (York)? well I figured it goes soemthing like this...

I have been here for 2 months I have 2 jobs both pay but one is about to triple in pay assuming that I actuualy get some shifts.

I live at the Timothy Hill Children's Ranch in Riverhead. They want me to work for them as a Per Diem Monitoring Specialist, basically watch over and mentor the boys at the ranch during my shift. This job is gonna pay very well. 12.54 AN HOUR...nice right!? Well the job is very stressful and Im not dealing with one child I am dealing with about 8-12 unruly teenage boys. I feel like this may be to much for me but I know that God never puts you in a situation you can not handle. So I've been on the ropes about this whole thing. I know the whole ordeal will always workout in my favor but I am just not sure what to make of this just yet. For now its an opportunity that I'd be retarded to not jump on.

Now I also work at Skechers at Tanger out here. Skechers is fufilling believe it or not. Very much so fufilling. But only 

On thursday I decided to mix my beer with my liquors...I went to some house out somewhere on this damned island. It was this guys birthday, I supposedly did all of the following.

  • I won seven games of beer pong with a partner nice right but I was drinking all the beer...so thats how many cups of beer if each game was 10 cups???
  • I got this chicks number and didnt remember the next day
  • I ran through someones yard, thru a wall of bushes across a field and back to the house to get my hoodie which was left at the party
  • I pissed this guy off cuz I kept playing in his girl friends hair lmao
  • I had a mixed drink that tasted like birthday cake
  • I apparently had a few shots of captain morgan
  • I had like three beers before I played beer pong, this i remember!
  • I couldn't pee all night, but was throwing my brains out in a bag with the handles around my ears at 7-11
  • I woke up in sabrinas room on the floor in clothes I didnt recognize
  • I was told all of the things above once I woke up
just a slight recap of this past week

yeah

much love
-Haze



20sb

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