Saturday, December 25, 2010

Inspiration

Inspiration

Inspiration is a gift
Comes to my mind so quick
Wrappe in secrets
That make my mind focus
When I unwrap her she blows me a kiss
Finding ways to seduce me 
and get my thoughts to show this
The fruits of us fucking
Passionately while she's sucking
The will from soul to fight back is not at home
She's inspiration and I can't stop her alone
The unstoppable force from within
It's like she's my wind
Keeps me breathing
Yet she keeps on teasing yet pleasing
With every and exhale
My mind roams  as I inhale
Her tricky is masterful
And I am just a bastards soul
Writing her will so classical
As she carves my soul
I learn to unfold
The my minds telling me no to her controls
But inspiration has her own way on this mans goals

-Hazey 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th



Ny
I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.
I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.
I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.
Sent from my iPod


Hassan Omar Jr
Dec 15th


Lost in you
I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.
Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today
Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.
On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.
I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.
I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...
-Hazey
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way
Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.
I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.
The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.
The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.
....damn
....
-Hazey
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr
Dec 20th


The new year is coming
Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.
I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.
I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).
I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.
She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.
Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh
Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.
-Hazey
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post

-Hazey

Sunday, December 19, 2010

To a new crush

Who ever you are
where ever you go
Im right here
I understand you better
than most niggas
and thats something you fear
Love is crawling towards you
and it wont be long before the sun
try and escape your shadows
lets see fast you can run
im aiming for your heart baby
left handed and blindfolded 
rain and wind cant stop me
I lusting for your trophy
Im hoping you can stroke me
and make the wish come true
I want ya heart baby
and nobody can stop me from having you
-Hazey

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The book of Proverbs

Dear God

I needed this trip more than anything. Thank you so much for making this all possible.

-Hazey

PS Ive been reading, lately you've been using those closet to me to reach out to me. I still don't know what your message is but I'm determined to figure it out.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

New Thoughts

Now that I am fully aware, I have new questions about going forward. I mean I knew I had issues before: deep trusting issues, constant reassurance, and some other odd ends. But now that I am fully aware of this*clears throat* disorder, what changes? How do I tell women this? I mean would any relationship ever work if I have this disorder? Can I continue to be successful if I can manage to get this under control? I'm confused about what happens now...

Now that I look back at things, the fights with loved ones, I can see that things weren't as they appeared in my eyes. All I can say now is, where to next? Can I have a relationship and it work? Is it possible? Or is it just going to be the same uphill battle? These thoughts are discouraging but not deal breakers...

Sent from my iPod
-Hazey

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bipolar, Insomnia, Depression

Mild Bipolar Disorder and Depression along with Insomnia

I have a paper due in less than 24 hours and I havent started on it yet...

to everyone whom thought I was moody, I'm not moody I'm bipolar... :/
I'm not sure how to take that kind of news, I mean its one thing to think you are different, its another thing to have proof that you are different...

Getting a prescription for medications isn't a relief in my book...its scrary...
I mean so many things run through my mind that probably do nothing but back up the facts already stated...
I just hope I don't change too much...

-Hazey

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I fuckin knew youd do this bullshit

i knew youd fucking do this shit...and right before i get there...
you always do this shit...i wanted to say "to me"...you aint do this shit to me...
you did it to yourself...give yourself a barrier...idk...its time i got over you too...
My trip to New York is about to be the fuckin same as it always has been...
a gotdamn waste...idk wht to do...
all i want is my best friend...yet everytime i see you, it aint you!
its you and...I dont need the AND! I didnt fly 750 miles to meet some nigga...
i dont wanna be with you while you are busy not paying attention cuz your too busy on your phone with them...
this isnt a jealousy thing...its just I'm tired of coming between you and the people you are interested in...
I dont wanna be a third wheel...
you say I aint in the way but you literally just dont get it...
i just want my best friend...but its beginning to look like I need to let this friendship go...
because one day somebody will make that step...
and I'll have to disappear...
no matter how much it hurts me to do so...
I have to let you go...

i guess its true, men and women cant be friends...

i'm not sure what to say at this point...

-Hazey

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Nice guy

Why I'm a nice guy

I am told that I am mean, selfish, stubborn, self centered, an asshole and even intimidating. There's a reason I'm that way, believe it or not. It's because I'm actually a nice guy. Contrary to what people believe most men are. I'm the latter becuase women take advantage of that niceness. They use it abuse it and laugh at the pain they cause. It's quite sick if you think about it, because when a man does the same we are called dawgs. Women, I am far from a bashed of your species. I love women for many many reasons some apparent and others not so much. But it seems to me that if I'm not a complete asshole to you, you don't care about me. It's like I have no choice but to be an asshole otherwise I'm looked at as needy, pathetic, clingy, too nice, too available, too weak, or just a plain pushover. Now when I'm an asshole none of that is reflected...I'd rather be an asshole and not get my heart smashed to pieces than too nice.

-Hazey

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry, it won't be long before I forget you
It won't be long before I forget to
Lock up my heart, and leave the key for the next one
Maybe she'll want me more then the past some
Who never saw the potential, or couldn't take the pressure
It won't be long before her hearts pleasures
Become the day to day, might I also say
I'll love her deeper and stronger in every way
She'll actually have my love, and I'll finally get it all in return
No more hateful distaste of those you left a burn
And left my heart to yearn
The sun will rise in her eyes
Set between her thighs
Her mountains will tower over her depths
And my hearts in her corridors on the top step
You'll see my love on her hand, her smile and in her song
One day I'll find love, so don't worry it won't be long

-Hazey   

Sunday, November 28, 2010

[Teach you...

>>>[ Teach you a lesson- Drake]<<<

So this past thanksgiving has been very insightful. Btw yes I realize it's 5:11AM Sunday morning. So I'll start with wednesday night.

Wednesday night I was extremely stressed out driving to south ga. I was also excited to tell my mom the news about winning a vacation to the Bahamas. Now this seems odd becuase the night before me and Sabrina talked about some extremely dark things, depression, so the news was a good boost for me. My main concern was getting to Albany on thanksgiving day with a bad tire with both me and my uncle and get back. I had never my car on such a long trip before, jus to let you know my trip to Florida would have been my defining tester for this scenario. Also gas, I was cutting it short because of my recent plane ticket purchase to New York. My uncle calls me, I also have a cold, at 11:30 pm asking me if I am asleep. I was drifting but he ruined it. He was telling me he wanted to bring over the ham food dinner tomorrow.

Now at this point I think he's high or drunk but I know he doesn't do those things. Anyway some woman in the background, whom I think was either his ex wife or his girlfriend, I'm not sure. Btw he's 60 years old and for him to be unwed is normal for my family, for both the men and the women. I tell him to bring tomorrow and that I'm leaving at 12 noon. Goodnight.

This nigga shows up at 8am, to make a phone call! He drove for 20 minutes up from panola road to my house to make a gotdamn phone call. I was a lil ticked but not too much. So I ask him how much he can give me for gas he says 20 dollars, I was like that won't even give a full tank. I drive a mustang, and Albany 2 1/2 hours away! Also I need a tire. So I tell him i need him to ride with me to see if this tire shop is open on thanksgiving morning.

It turns out while I was getting dressed he called all of my cousins and aunts and uncles from the house phone. When I came back down stairs from getting dressed which was about 20 minutes, he left. So now at this point I'm confused beyond belief, but that's my uncle.

With that said I call him and ask why he left? He tells me he had to return the car he borrowed. Now I'm pissed, but I let it go. I filled the car with the last of my money until Saturday. 

We get on the road and I tell him exactly what he just did to me in the past 9 hours that made no sense whatsoever. Now that I look back at his tactic he's kinda manipulative...

Anyway we arrive in Albany after 2 hours and 45 minutes on the road ,he had to pee. By this time it's 12:30, and my mom shows up with my other cousin. The thing is I've noticed that my mom has changed towards my cousin Cat, becuase now she stays with my cousin Alisha more often. Who knows, it could be the new boyfriend or something else, idk. Anyway, I gotta say that guy is creepy, lol. Now the funny thing is my uncle steve shows up he's a cop. He shows up around 2 ish and eats early. Then around 4 my uncle frank shows up along with shell, Dion , and my grandma. My mother asks me when I'm heading back I tell her tonight. She says no and everyone points out my tire. 

Here's where I hang my head say I deserved the punishment of Saturday morning more than anything. I wanted to be home in time to have a party, honestly. She tells me that I'm staying and that they are gonna have the tire replaced in the morning. I say fine well can have my uncles 20 dollars to put in my tank cuz we burned all the gas I put in literally! He tells me no. Now I'm really pissed off! He bugs me and manipulates me into leaving earlier, uses all my gas to get here and refuses to pay when we get there...I say fine and try to let that shit go. Thanksgiving was good, family, food, and the after dinner laughs. As usual, gotta love em. So I fail to really sleep after watching a movie with the family. I have a cold and sleeping on a couch doesn't make it any easier. 

The next morning my cousin pooht shows up, he is one of my cousins that's cool not exactly a role model for no man is perfect but a good person nonetheless. He brought me two tires to put on my car considering they were larger than my set. Now I know what your thinking, mix-match tires? Well I drive a mustang. So with that said mustang owners often have two different size tires on the car because it is a "rearwheel drive" car. Say that several times fast. This basicaly means smaller tires in the front and larger tires in the back. Now that does causes two things to happen to me. 

Less chance of fish tailing, but depending on the situation it can cost me less for tires than most people. Reason being is I'm not buying a whole set of tires. On the the other hand I can not rotate my tires and I will simply just have to replace them. 

Anyway back to the story. My cousin and I went to the family owned garage. Which was odd becuase these men worked as if the work wasn't desired. I looked around and noticed that they has no competition and most of the people in the area had to come here or drive much further for the same service. I find out that my cousins tires are 3 inches too tall and that I wouldn't be able to go over bumps because of how low my car was to the ground. So I just purchase one tire.

When I get to my other cousins house my mom says call me before you leave. I say I can't I need gas clarence didn't leave me the money. Now she's irritated and tells me to go to my uncles house and get the money. She calls him before indrive over there, to find out he's not there. She gets in touch with him and tells her he will pay her back. That royally pissed me and her off. She fills my tank and I hit the road. 

Party time! I get really fucked up, there was about 13 people at house that night not counting myself and 3 others. So it was nice not too many people but plenty of beer pong. I tools shotof 1800 silver tequila. That night I was sick and blew chunks. The next morning I threw chunks until about 3 pm. I was in alotta pain...

I deserved it! I threw a party in my house with women, beer, and marijuana. I was having a great time, not spending it with my family, lik I should have been! Served me right not being there. I really did have to work Saturday, I was so sick I couldn't even dial in. The fucked up part is  I know this week is about to be hectic...

I've spent all day at home by myself, and I took a bath and the name of this entry came on. It reminded me of someone, and the night asssociated with it...

Hahah yeah, she learned alot that night...lol...so did I! In the park after dark and not getting caught, is pretty nice ;). Memories man! Anyway the title fits because I remember feeling like such a child while I was with my moms side of the family. 

Them fixing my tire and helping me and not being grateful that someone somewhere does care about me. So after the party ends and the silence begins, I should be grateful not resentful of there help. 

Food for thought...

-Hazey

Sunday, November 21, 2010

an answer

I think I got the answer today, it finally hit me...
Trey Songz put it best and literally put it in prespective...

now I wish we never did it...

Its kinda like the fear I saw, wasnt really fear, maybe it was pain...
I never figured that it might hurt you to look at me like it hurts me to look at you...
damn I...now that I look back at it...all i've been doing since you is trying to forget you and I know for a fact that hasn't been on your mind, not even remotely...I see now...but still...

I wish we never did it...


"Can't Be Friends"


Look? what this girl don' did to me
She dun cut me off from a good good love.

She told me that those days were gone (gone, gone, gone)
Now I'm sitting here going half crazy

Cuz I know she still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you (you, you, you)

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

The way it felt, no faking it
Maybe we were moving just a little too fast.

But what we've done we cant take it back
Now I'm sitting here half way crazy

Cuz I know she still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

And all I can say is
La la la la la la la la laaaaa
La la la la la la la la la, la la laowwww
La la la la la la laaaa, heeeey

Ain't no tellin what we could have been,
Ain't telling what we could've been, oooh
And if I knew it would end like this,
I never would have kissed ya, cuz I fell in love with ya,
We never would've kicked it, cuz now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it
(ouu layyy)

And I wish we never loved it (I wish we never loved it!)
And I wish I never felt so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

La la la la la la la la laaaaa
La la la la la la la la laaaaa 


the fuktup part about it all is that it took me this long to realize this...and that even after all this time I still have no idea how to move on from it...
-Hazey

Saturday, November 20, 2010

from the soul

Dear...you...

when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?

Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...  

I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...

Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...

I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...

My simple question:

From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?

-HaS

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Ups of life, and a few of the not so ups

Ladies and Gentlemen I have some good news,

Im headed up to New York, NewYork next month...Im still kinda shocked I booked the flight...but things have changed...




First things first
 the JOB...lol...I gotta raise...to be honest I may have two raises ahead of me...THIS shit just dont normally happen...but it makes me feel good that somethings are getting better after all this time...

second school...
these muhfukahs messed over my paperwork as I have noted earlier...but I am still going to attain my AA so I can get the hell outta GA...for a lil while anyway...

Third
life thus far has been interesting...I met a woman whom is choctaw the opposite tribe to my dads side of the family...that was interesting...oh yeah my aunt whom is 15...yeah I said it...15...added me on facebook...what the hell was i supposed to do? not add her? lol shes younger than me but shes also my dads last step sister...anyway for the most part i don't date anymore I have too much I need to get straight to get caught up...i know that sounds cliche but I'm trying to move to florida, get a club built and used in the next 4 years...at the same time manage a group of musicians to get them off the ground...all the while juggling a job, a car, rent, and COLLEGE!...got damn...

got damnit...

anyway

I turn 21 in less than 90 days!!! im excited yo just thinkin about all this shit...but there is alot of work involved...and I know Im ready...

also im planning on having a party this thanksgiving weekend!...shh tell no one lol

4th and most favorite of them all is im GOING TO NEW YORK! i need this damn vacation...now I can grind with a real goal ahead of me you know!!!

Life is looking up yo...

-Hazey

As a writer I have to say

As a writer I have to say Why not write for the simple fact that someone else can read it and understand it? Whether or not someone agrees isn't the point. The fact is human communication is necessary to life itself. "No man is an island." The topic of writing in today's world more than speaks to me, I feel it. The writer shouldn't horde there thoughts let alone forget them. It makes sense, the saying that is. History is nothing more than a story told from a perspective of, valuable information, invaluable and worthless information. So I say to anybody who is afraid to publish there thoughts, what other reason do you not have to write? Other than the simple fact that your message or thought, sparked some kind of reaction...

Writers are just like artist of other genres of forms of art. We are creative with the basic form or foundation of the one technology we as a people should proud of. Speech...

Write your thought down and publish it...who cares about the judgement of what you think! Literally? Who cares? Why is that important? What you feel is what you are capable of communicating to the person that you are speaking to, not what you think you are saying...misunderstandings? Sound familiar?I remember that somewhere I read that more than 60% of fights are over defending memory in fights amongst couples...Says alot don't it?

Anyway I am trailing...

Basically be fearless in some of your posts...who cares what negative reaction someones going to have about it

-Hazey

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Facing my facts

Nothing is set in stone if you don't leave Jan 1st it's okay...you just have to make sure that you set ur ducks in line and keep them on track from that point on...March 1st maybe the move...shit June 1st if necessary but all the while you HAVE TO GET YOUR SPENDING UNDER CONTROL...period

Your gonna face set backs and push back which is fine...but giving up completely is just reinforcing what you have already found...that you can't devote yourself to anything...therefore you have no passion...so find it...

...2 weeks later...

as of today the school screwed over my paperwork...so yeah...im glad i caught myself before finding out this bit of information...

Updates soon...

-Hazey

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dad and his damn voice...

You know without hesitation

I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...

This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.

I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?

Humph...

Yeah my thoughts exactly...

Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"

The fucked part is I never had answer...

When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....

I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and  most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...

As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?

Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again!  Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"

I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol

-Hazey 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

this is a horrible thing to feel

i looked back at some posts i made in 2009 and 2008 much to my surprise considering i rarely ever read what i write...and i began reading some of the things i said...deep things...things that i wish i never said...much less published to the world...

i feel, stupid, niave, childish, immature, and kind of ashamed...mostly at how stupid I was to get myself all worked up about something that just wasn't meant to be...

#2) Nothings feels worse than the moment in an argument that you realize you were wrong

hoping for things we can't have is however human...

i guess...


better news on the way...
-Hazey

Monday, November 1, 2010

its the first of November

They say give it ya best, but i always give em my worst
through the flames of  my failure this is what gave birth
through a mouth of confusion, people hear my words
understanding thoughts that made no sense when i heard
the verbs of birds cluckin words you neva heard, hit the curb
Hazey gettin hazey wit ya lady while she yellin please dont play me
buring wit my ninjas in the winter killin splinter
turtle green kermit in the shell of december
flavor off the wall so good i cant remember
tryna find my passion dawg, im tryna find the winner
somebody please remind me why im such a sinner
Cuz her ass is mighty fat but waist is mighty thinner
yeah i said it dawg im tryna get up in her
no man is ever perfect, just gut the dutch and place me in the center
so break me down and roll me up, and you can spark me in the winter
Flame me up!

-Hazey

commitments and passion...

you know im a typical mothafucka!!

Its getting close to the wire and honestly, i think im catching cold feet...
I have commitment issues you know...i know nothings ever certain...and nothing lasts forever...
but would it kill you to give me something that lasts forever...
I have all these decisions to make that honestly arent helping me accomplish anything yet...i want to be something but I can't find anything...

New York... my best friend...

Florida... my best friend and a career involved with music...

Chicago... living in the Windy

Here... Life as it is...

i still have no idea where i should be in life... im deathly afraid of moving to florida and becoming nothing...following a dream that i even question...im an artist i know this...I fear doing music and no one liking it...no one feeling what im saying... I havent been at this music thing my entire life...more like off and on...

my problem is ive never devoted myself to anything...ever...thats why its so hard for me to go through with this i guess......................damn...my answers just like that...

ive never commited to anything...ever...all iver ever done is get bored and move on...from people....situations...passions ive had momentarily...

no wonder somethings always missing...

I have no passion for anything...nothing that makes me feel good just doing...nothing that brings a smile on my face without shame...

I need to find you...whatever it is you are...
the one thing no one and nothing can ever take away from me...
something i crafted with my own research, devotion, skill, know-how...

everyone has goals, but ill never reach them if i never find what it is that makes me tick...
I need to find my undying commitment, my passion...

what ever that may be...

-HaS & Hazey

Monday, October 25, 2010

in life there are only animals

truly there are only animals watch...

you can slither like a snake(suit n tie) or run with the wolves(shoot n ride)...
stand like the bear(warrior) or charge like the bull(villian)...
ravage with the sharks(intellectual) or die like fools(pigs)...

-Hazey

The original reason i began writing

My phones off as of this week...and its funny cuz at the moment i wanna send you a text message then I realized that even when I can't even call you...it bothers me...alot...atleast...i notice...to be honest...what I mean is I think about you...alot more than what may appear...I'm sure you like...nigga I have a life up here! lol IN NEW YORK! UP TOP SON, lemme son you, and its startin to get brick lol...


And I also realized you were my first inspiration to begin writing in the first place...I was writing before but the original reason to write was because of you...I used to think how you thunk when I would write...lol...I was confused back then...but I'm just tryna say I miss you...


my words keep falling on themselves because it seems like im trying to run towards you but you don't want me to...I want a lot from life and I remember when you left for new york...direction for me was lost...Ive been tryna steer myself back in the direction I was headed before...when I say its hard to picture life without you...I mean it in ways you don't...


I say these things because its not strange for me to write you...I can write you and not feel like a complete idiot for doing so...I write you because you are my reason to stand...writing you was the only thing that made sense...since I STOPPED...I feel like my direction is off too...like I keep wondering why this...and why that...all the while ignoring you...we aint walking the same walk of life any more...I wish I were there...and at many times wish you were here...


I'm writing you because...I'm glad that even if I never find anyone else...I can still...write you after all this time...MY words seem harsh...hurt...and kinda to the point in my opinion...I wish I could say things better


...but I'm writing you because you are my life line...you are my bridge back to reality...you are my ladder...my life guard in life's ocean


...and I'm so glad you are...


and the sooner I get back to living life with you...the better both of our lives will be...

-HaS

Monday, October 18, 2010

zombie horse

riding this horse i finally did the math
after watchin us gallop but never going fast
i saw the dust coming
i saw the blood running
but even though the sun settled, i just kept gunning
hoping for the best and true ride or die shit
my dumb ass just didn't know when to mothafuckin quit
we say ride it to the wheels fall off
but what about when you dont know ya wheels are lost
me and my right hand, yeah me and that wo-man
seems as though now its just me with my heart in my hand
it finally added up when i subtracted the superhero
me and you, one minus one...
equals Zero...

-Hazey

OF COURSE this one comes with a story :)

i think about you TOO much...its almost sickening...i finally have some type of feeling towards you after all the empty hollowness that you created...

here it goes, I wrote this at work, in cubicle hell as my co-workers plot, unions, sick days and petitions for raises...yeah my job is interesting to say the least, this is a story for another day...

"wow...at the end of the day, knowing you, caring for and about you...was all pointless...why do i...well why did I meet you if its of no value  to your life nor mine...out of the entire situation, I gained nothing but material objects that mean nothing at this point...I didn't gain a life long friend, a lover, a partner, a confidant...nothing...but a name and number that should never be used for some unearthly reason...knowing you, left me with emptiness because the experience of losing you was empty in itself...that is what bothers me"

-HaS

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Southern Breeze

This is a response to a challenge that I stumbled upon during my lostness after a night of confusion and a weekend of fun with pockets of anger in the midst of such...

 I live in the South, Atlanta to be correct...

Probably the Souths epicenter if you ask me...

Racism...let me rephrase that...Ignorance is still alive...Atlanta is changing slowly but surely...While watching the video she posted I nearly cried...Not because of the injustice of what was happening but because that hurt my soul to know that things like that happened, and could have happened to me or a relative of mine...My grandfather(RIP) whom marched in the civil rights marches in Albany, Ga. comes to mind...I'm emotional and I hate it because people say I think too much but the real truth is I FEEL too much...My emotions get the best of me and seeing this, experiencing racism first hand and knowing that ignorance has no conscience...

when a person or group of people act against another where racism is playing a role in whatever the situation may be...why is it that there is no guilt? shame? notion to stop what you are doing because as children of God, we are all specifically told "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...racism, bigotry, ignorance of any level literally breaks my heart,

I watched the movie Robin Hood the most recent film created, and Robin is asked by King Lionheart what do you think of my crusade? He responds saying "...when we were ordered to bring our swords down upon women and children, I looked in this womans eyes. I did not see fear, hatred, but Pity. That once that order was cast we all became godless." or something like that lol....i think you get my point...

none of this makes any sense and if God decides to turn his watchful eyes away in 2012...with the way the world is and has been I could not be upset...

-Hazey

Monday, October 11, 2010

When God calls and we don't answer

FINE!

I'll say it...she is what I've been needing...I also know she isn't to be held on to forever...I need to focus...she isn't a distraction...she's an outlet...she could absorb all that I am lackin...the problem is I couldn't be faithful..

I've begging for something you took from me, in reference to God, that didn't ever belong to me in the first place...and since you took it from me I've been hurt, sad, confused, uninterested, unfocused, lost, broken...etc....so like the saying goes you took away not to punish me but to give me something better...NOW heres my issue...what you gave I want but at the same time I don't want because I will hurt her...not intentionally but because I am afraid of making the same mistakes as the generation before me...

I don't want her picking up these pieces...

this isn't anybodies job but my own...NO, no man is an island...but sloth is a sin and so is pride...

maybe im feeling my mothers sickness...or maybe it was the alcohol and weed...or a combination of the three...I am afraid to pass on you but I have too...you are so close to what I want...but I just can't...

for months all I wanted was to get over my pain on my own...and for a time I did...for months I tired of being alone...you were offering what I wanted and needed...but in the end I cant do that you to or anyone else...you don't deserve to be my punching bag...

you are my music...

you force me to face myself...

you force me to ask myself the questions I do not want to ask...

you also make me smile...

-Hazey

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Pen Pal, Life thus far

I know you are all like WTF??? Lol is this a letter? And why is it typed? lol

YES!..

…So I'm gonna be ur pen pal

Imma start writing you to keep you in the loop so when we talk it ain't so full of gaps. I think it may even help our friendship in the long run... I miss you...

I've been so many places and done so much shit idk where to begin. So last place I remember telling you : christena got married to Kim, Micheal is...still not married to that thing with two kids, shorty dropped off the globe after you left, and quitta text me yesterday lol.

Christena married and a he-she. Yep I said it she married a woman that looks like a man, literally...she even moved to Iowa to live with her and be gay lol. That sounds so mean out loud lmfao! Yeah that shit is still funny to me.

Mike works everyday and comes home to that. I wish there was something I could do for em you know? But he's in a tight spot, I trust God though so he'll get out somehow.

I saw shorty once after you left and heard about her at a party. Shit was strange yo. Small world we live in. Ain't heard shit bout her since.

Oh yeah renaldo removed the wet and wavey shit from his head thank God! No more human torch mess. Cuz that nigga was a Hot mess... Now he's just a mess lol he's go his own place though...I'll give him that thou.

Quitta is my nigglet lol. She had me rolling the other day through text messages. Calling me a hot mess for being in the streets lol. She called me a black baboonie lmfao

Alex is getting into college. Daniels big as hell now. Giving me dap and shit. Anthonys still Anthony lol. I'm throwin a lil party at my house this weekend him and Alex are coming.

I wish you were!!! ('_')

Moms dating and everything which is cool. I told her the minute i hear him say the wrong thing, its me and him no longer you and him...lol...I will say I worry about her...

My dads dating a Hispanic woman!!!!!To be honest I have no idea what to say about this. I will say that I am not surprised that he's dating a Hispanic woman, I am surprised that he is in fact dating. He's becoming himself again. I wish him the best of luck. I love my dad, wow I just said that. It's time that time changed anyway. I gotta say I'm kinda happy for him...


I don't know how to say this but I'm going to Florida. I am going to move up there after I finish college though. I'm gonna try and get some music off the ground out there. I know you think I'm prolly never going to come up there but I AM. I just got somethings to do before I do. New York is where I'd like to live and just live you know? I don't make promises often, and I try to keep it that way, but I promise you Imma come get you one day. Imma find a way to surprise yo ass! Lol

Sabrina I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and I don’t know where I’d be if you …yeah…I also what you to know is that no matter what happens. No matter where you go we looking at the same sky at night.

So how is everything? What's going on? How's New York?

-

Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I need...

gimme something real something a nigga can feel
something i grap hold of, leather blue steering wheel
so i can get my life on, heart beating crazy
cuz we fuckin like we tryna have a baby
but baby, maybe I need something a lil more
sweat and pressure is building
see ya self in the mirror on the ceiling
I wanna see you reach whats real
in ya eyes I can tell what you feel
so show what you made of, so take off that thong
we gon see what kinda freak you is when I cut the lights on...

-Hazey

Monday, September 27, 2010

Break-Even

Break Even

A lesson from this quarter past...Lesson on Breaking Even...
In business companies may have some areas that they are losing money. Breaking Even means the where revenue and the expenditures meet on a graph where no money is lost nor is it gained...

A song just came on about Breaking Even, relationship wise, by the script. Whom made a song called the man who can't be moved...

Here's where school and real life meet in my head...

Hearts do not break even. Nope not at all. Divorces are nastier. Luckily it wasn't a divorce...

She got over it much faster than you did...and that's okay...you took much more from that break up than she did...so what if it hurts you more or less...it doesn't matter...even if she cared a little bit would it really make any of this any easier? Actually no...you wanna say yes...but your biased...so fuck it...

It's time you took that huge heart breaking loss and learn from it. Might as well get a reward out of your pain...

moving on is strange...

Because everyone leaves behind something they once wanted...

Learn from it...and keep it as a lesson learned and a blessing...from what I hear china has a shortage of women...

-Hazey

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dreams

J. COLE


"Dreams"
[feat. Brandon Hines]


Yeah! Uh!
Yeah, you gotta look,
You gotta follow me, what I'm doin' rite here mayne
Like when I say this shit is crazy,
I don't mean it's crazy like crazy
I just mean crazy like it's fuckin', it's actually crazy,
Nah'mean
Yeah!

Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldn't have
And then I end up fucking with someone I shouldn't have
See, in my mind, it's like I'm perfect for her, I gotta show her
But sadly, in reality, dog, I don't even know her
But still somehow she got my mind infatuated
Absolutely fascinated with the thoughts of what she might be like
Time after time after time I had to wait, is-
Is fate procrastinating?
I can take it 'cause I might be right, 'cause it's

This is the girl of my dreams, yeah
Ay, is she good as what she seems?
Uh, or am I lying to myself?
Uh, ay should I try and get some help?
Yeah, this is the girl of my dreams
Is she good as what she seems?
Or am I lying to myself?
Ay, should I try and get some help?

Yeah, yeah
Oh shit, she passed me on the boulevard
Ay, tell me is it stalking if I follow her
Like all the way home without her knowing
Nah, nigga, I'm just curious where she stay at
Besides when I'm with her, this gon' be the spot we lay at
And maybe I'll just drive by occassionally
And if one day I happen to see her outside, she wave to me,
Imagine what she'll say to me
This ain't no time to be afraid no more
It's time for bravery
No matter if my homies think I'm crazy

This the girl of my dreams
Hey, ay is she good as what she seems?
Uh, or am I lying to myself?
Uh, ay should I try and get some help?
Yeah, this is the girl of my dreams
Ay, is she good as what she seems?
Or am I lying to myself?
Ay, should I try and get some help?

Yeah, yeah, look
I spot her walking in the mall, okay, it's time to grow some balls
If she really gon' be yours, oh my god, I'm walking towards her
My mind screaming stop, but my legs keep walking forward
Straighten up your face, nigga, she see you coming for her
My heartbeat racing, and my hands keep shaking
Say something, you shy motherfucker, she's waiting,
"Wassup girl, don't mean to interrupt
But in the city I done met a lot of women
But you from my dreams, ay will you come true?
I know about a show that we can catch,
Some R&B and rap, ay you should come thru"
She said, "uh, I love too, except I don't like rap
Besides, if I went with you, then I don't really think my man would like that"
Damn! Man,
Okay, you say you got a man,
I mean, I definitely understand, I'm happy for you, really am,
I couldn't have been the only fan in the world Of a girl like you
I mean, you're beautiful, and I'm sure he's a very nice dude
It ain't no biggie, well I'm sure that I'm gon' see you around the city
Only thing I ask if shit don't work out for y'all, don't forget me
And don't act like a stranger when you see me on the scene
I came up with a world-class scheme to get

The girl of my dreams
Uh, ay is she good as what she seems?
Uh, or am I lying to myself?
Or should I try and get some help?
This is the girl of my dreams
Ay is she good as what she seems?
Or am I lying to myself?
Ay should I try and get some help?

Yeah, yeah
So I find out the nigga name, know exactly where he stayin'
Find out when he leave for work, hold up nigga, is you sane?
I'm a follow in my car; I'm a cut in front of his
Run him right into the wall, maybe even off the bridge
I give her a little time, then console her while she crying
She gon' take that as a sign; finally she will be mine
I'll be king, and she'll be queen when I hit her with ring
At the wedding, who gon' sing?

This the girl of my dreams
Is she good as what she seems?
Or am I lying to myself?
Ay should I try and get some help?
Ay, this is the girl of my dreams
Is she good as what she seems?
Or am I lying to myself?
Think I should I try and get some help?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

the very thought

The very thought of you makes me wanna roll up one and smoke you away....

I think that thinking of you gives me a reason to continue my habit...

I've tried all the things I will allow myself to get you out of my head and honestly none have worked...

smoking only makes it worse...

come to think about it all I've been doing since then is trying to forget some shit I will never forget...

which takes me back to my first thought...

The Very Thought of You makes me wanna Roll Up one and Smoke you away....

-Hazey

Monday, September 20, 2010

you are dangerous...

you are dangerous...

so very dangerous you make my hands shake, yet stop moving
i cast you out but its my thoughts you're intruding
help me out here, you said something but nothing
is this what every other woman has done?
lemme see just how much fun i can have with em
nothing serious, so yes ill play with his heart
but jus to make things interesting ill tell him the truth from the start
and as time changes his crying's painless
with my death ears, he'll begin talking to a strangers....


-Hazey

Thursday, September 16, 2010

do I deserve??

If I walk away, and pursue this dream, this lifestyle, this way doing things...
If I do what you wanted me to do and do what you can't...
If I walk away from this with my head high...
If I walk my life alone but with my brothers instead of you for now...
If I try my hardest to let you go and move on in ways I never thought...
If I travel the world and see all the things you didnt get to see...

promise me that you'll come back...

I hope that 6 years of work amounts to attaining your heart
I'm still asking myself do I deserve you?
am I worthy?

my answer is always...

no...

-Hazey

I know you still miss me...

Monday, September 13, 2010

beer pong

so last night, well I would be lying to you if I didnt explain everything...

I love beer pong...Im a lefty too...I was playing at my house last night with a few friends...record of 6-2...i lost twice once to david and once to JB....

the past weekend in photos :]
I dont have photos of labor day weekends events but this past weekends should do...enjoy :]
























If you look closely in some of the pictures you can see the ball...

20sb

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