Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th

I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.
I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.
I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.
Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr
Dec 15th

Lost in you
I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.
Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today
Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.
On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.
I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.
I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way
Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.
I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.
The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.
The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr
Dec 20th

The new year is coming
Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.
I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.
I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).
I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.
She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.
Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh
Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post


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