I Could Be...But I'm Not...

I could be fearful. I could be doubtful. I could be timid. I could be any other feeling other than completely certain. For some reason you give me certainty and hope. Normally I would feel fearful of who you could be. I could doubtful of what we can be. I could feel so many other negative feelings but instead you are all positive attraction...I just...I just know who you are...I am secure in who you are and what we will be...wether it's friends or more...whatever happens between us I'm just happy it happens...


I could be alotta things...


but I'm not..
-Hazey

today feb 8th 2011

Today February 8th was my birthday, I was in a good mood and literally in mood to just about anything. I gotta say my mind wasn't as scattered as last year. This year there's only one person on my mind and honestly she knows who she is.

On turning 21, im not sure how to feel really. I am happy of course. The hardest part about turning 21 is the realization that i am 21, ALL the hell I caught over not being 21 is over. I gotta say it feels good. I am and will remain me tho Im not a lush.

To be completely honest I have nothing to say on this post other than I am 21 finally and its almost not a big deal to anyone but me, myself, and I. I need outta here. At least I know and expect no one to give a shit about me. I guess what my mum says is true, only a hand full of the people you know will ever truly give a shit. I guess I shouldn't ask for more huh?

Atleast those mofos on facebook took the time to say happy birthday right??? So for that I am grateful :D
I am grateful for Gavin and Alison for taking me out on my bday. I AM  GRATEFUL FOR MY MOM taking me out on my bday night. I am also grateful for Sabrina's video....touched the heart....I am grateful that my father sent me a text msg this year...better than a facebook msg lol...i am also grateful for living to see this year. I pray that I will see many more.

I dont have a great wish for this year. I dont have a great desire for this year. I dont have a burning itch to do something because I am 21. I dont have a wish for this year which is different. This year I just want my life to go in the direction it was meant to go in God's plan for me.

thats all for now
-Hazey

Love is Corny

She said something in response to my words. "I think love movies are cheesy/corny" She responds "I guess it depends on your views of love"

So here is what erupted from that thought, my last love was the best point of reference because she's the only person whom WAS in love with me...

Being in love was like being on an island. Circling around the same subjects, some good some bad, not because I didn't understand the bad but because the problem was never truly solved. I felt like I was trapped in an ocean of their ambiguity.

Yes, an island. What is on the island depends on who you are in love with. I never knew what to do because no matter what I did the same results showed. I felt insane. Like I was trying to solve a puzzle that had no answer to begin with. Nothing to build shelter with but plenty of sunshine when they were were happy. When storms would rage their anger would unrest the seas. Their waves of subtle insults took forever to digest.

My thoughts on love are simple. Don't fall, fly...

an Ode to lil Bruh

An ode to lil bruh

You are oblivious, to everything. You kick my ass in dominoes all the time, yet fail in math. You look up to me and I realize that more now than ever. Our father has never really held any real weight in your eyes. In my opinion I have to make sure I live up to every expectation you have of me. Your are my burden and dammit I'm proud to take you as it. I wanna lead you in the right direction by leading by example. I'm moving to New York for myself but I'm doing it with all the right intentions. I wanna send you things in the mail. I wanna bring you out to stay with me for the summer once. I wanna come home as if I never lost touch with you. Your all I have and I don't intend to lose sight of that.

To that lil man whose taking pride in his beard which hasn't grown in yet. The guy that kicks my ass in dominoes. The guy that is just like me with women, very particular. To the guy that reps the white sox til the death of them. To the guy that can somehow not close a single door including the cereal box lid. To the guy that can run numbers so damn fast it's astonishing. To the kid I can go joke for joke with all day long. To the guy I can just chill and watch a show about suping your car up. 

Much love lil bro
-Hazey

things I failed to mention

This is a list of things I failed to mention

• Sabrina apologized to me for the damage she did to me years ago
• this was interesting because we don't ever talk about these things. I guess what Chris said made some fucking sense after all. He said to her, "I am not Hassan, I can not love you from a distance." It wasnt until she repeated his words that I understood our relationship for what it was. I love her, she loves me, we love each other regardless of distance. She and I accept one another for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I guess it takes a person from the outside looking in to make some sense of what's happening inside the house of cards itself. 
• I have attained my associates Degree!
• However I have a dilema, if I withdraw from school, I would lose my healthcare coverage and not be able to afford my medication. And not to sound like a dope addict but I need it. I am literally better with it. 
• She likes John Mayer!
• WTF she loves all his music, why do I like the same type of women? Oh well, maybe this one and I can make something happen? Who knows. She told me listen to Why Georgia, gravity, and another song which slips the mind at the moment. She's straight forward which I like because I definitely need a person who gets to the point.
• I am starting to think Diana has a thing for me
• She eats with me and after me, hugs me, kisses me spanish style tho sometimes literally on the cheek, sometimes asks me to stay longer at work with her, grabs my hand sometimes too, she claims to not be touchy feely and not good with emotions but I see through it. She likes me and has my number but shes another cause I cant afford to invest the time into. She is focused on paying her grandmothers rent in mexico. I have no problems with that at all. shit I commend her for it but i can not get tied up with her. I feel like I'd be barking up the wrong tree. Do Not get me wrong Diana has some legs and skin and hair I would destroy given then chance but I just can not invest time into her.
• The pressure of moving is stressful
• this ones self explanatory lol
• I bought a webcam so if you wanna chat hit me up
• Hazey2890 on skype

til later

-Hazey

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th

Ny

I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.

I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.

I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 15th

Lost in you

I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.

Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today

Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.

On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.

I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.

I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way

Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.

I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.

The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.

The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.

....damn

....

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 20th

The new year is coming

Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.

I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.

I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).

I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.

She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.

Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh

Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post

-Hazey

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry, it won't be long before I forget you
It won't be long before I forget to
Lock up my heart, and leave the key for the next one
Maybe she'll want me more then the past some
Who never saw the potential, or couldn't take the pressure
It won't be long before her hearts pleasures
Become the day to day, might I also say
I'll love her deeper and stronger in every way
She'll actually have my love, and I'll finally get it all in return
No more hateful distaste of those you left a burn
And left my heart to yearn
The sun will rise in her eyes
Set between her thighs
Her mountains will tower over her depths
And my hearts in her corridors on the top step
You'll see my love on her hand, her smile and in her song
One day I'll find love, so don't worry it won't be long

-Hazey   

The Ups of life, and a few of the not so ups

Ladies and Gentlemen I have some good news,

Im headed up to New York, NewYork next month...Im still kinda shocked I booked the flight...but things have changed...

First things first
 the JOB...lol...I gotta raise...to be honest I may have two raises ahead of me...THIS shit just dont normally happen...but it makes me feel good that somethings are getting better after all this time...

second school...
these muhfukahs messed over my paperwork as I have noted earlier...but I am still going to attain my AA so I can get the hell outta GA...for a lil while anyway...

Third
life thus far has been interesting...I met a woman whom is choctaw the opposite tribe to my dads side of the family...that was interesting...oh yeah my aunt whom is 15...yeah I said it...15...added me on facebook...what the hell was i supposed to do? not add her? lol shes younger than me but shes also my dads last step sister...anyway for the most part i don't date anymore I have too much I need to get straight to get caught up...i know that sounds cliche but I'm trying to move to florida, get a club built and used in the next 4 years...at the same time manage a group of musicians to get them off the ground...all the while juggling a job, a car, rent, and COLLEGE!...got damn...

got damnit...

anyway

I turn 21 in less than 90 days!!! im excited yo just thinkin about all this shit...but there is alot of work involved...and I know Im ready...

also im planning on having a party this thanksgiving weekend!...shh tell no one lol

4th and most favorite of them all is im GOING TO NEW YORK! i need this damn vacation...now I can grind with a real goal ahead of me you know!!!

Life is looking up yo...

-Hazey

I need...

gimme something real something a nigga can feel

something i grap hold of, leather blue steering wheel

so i can get my life on, heart beating crazy

cuz we fuckin like we tryna have a baby

but baby, maybe I need something a lil more

sweat and pressure is building

see ya self in the mirror on the ceiling

I wanna see you reach whats real

in ya eyes I can tell what you feel

so show what you made of, so take off that thong

we gon see what kinda freak you is when I cut the lights on...

-Hazey

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

new beginning

Lately my efforts at times seem scattered like they arent focused. My dreams and imagination take me to wild places. My fantansies you wouldn't believe! But its a new start for me, which is what everything is starting to look like. My last 12 months have been crazy but its got me headed in an interesting direction so it seems. My current aspiration is to move to florida and do music with dre and al. I am sure my mom is lookin at me like GOD thank you HE HAS A PLAN...good now get there and make no excuses, I will not accept failure from you. LOL. I'm only 20 I have time. For everything want to do with my life, I will, one way or another. I got some plans in mind and I can feel that I'm about to walk the craziest path of all.

My latest slogan is:
If it wasn't about you then it aint about you now so what is more important than the now? The now leads to the future the thought doesn't...Pay Attention...

My previous slogan was STERICUS ACCIDIT meaning shit happens...yeah that explains the last two years up in just two words...damn...LOL...funny aint it?..that how shit happens when you can't explain it..lol any way I'm out...

Oh?

yeah I forgot...Did I mention the pep in my step these days? yeah I'm busier these days, I'm stuck in cubical telephone hell, my job...So that said my posts might lag a little til things balance out...

-Hazey

i've been gone for sometime now, I know, i know I'll be back I got some things cookin I'll fill you in soon enough...

have a listen for a lil bit...

Aight I'll give you a peek of whats to come...
Life has taken a turn down a road I was not prepared for but I'm happy with it...

And my good writing is comin real soon I think you'll like it...
until then

bezzy, one

-Hazey

Facts

Lets be real, dear

the day for us will neva be here

I saw the end before you had my heart

real shit way before the first spark

the friction wasn't attraction nor commitment

the truth was in ya face, you just kept on, relentless

please lemme know when the day I don't see real comes

text messages about first base and hitting home runs

panties like a shower her legs are my rocks

the only thing we had going was the dance in our socks

Im not perfect, but growing is a must for change

me and you would be one word, insane

as you can see I have problems with this role

you know, the man in ya life type-a-goal

so lemme say this so you get it clearly, bless your soul

I have problems with self control

you shoulda seen that coming so course but,

how would you ever know?

childish and foolish will never flow

statin facts mami,
sorry you needed it broken for you to understand tho...

 

-Hazey

Today was the day that I made the most crucial bond I've ever made. I chose to follow my dreams. The day I went back to the person he used to be. My mind is ready for this. I'm riding south to struggle even more, but shit I'm ready for it. I don't think I've ever been more confident in myself.

I told myself something today that opened my eyes to who the fuck I really am. I'm gonna miss out on alotta things. I'm gonna leave  a place I've grown attached to. I will miss my Godsons birthdays and Ill miss weddings. The parties, the new places and cars everyone gets. I also can't put my life on hold while they live their lives. I may want to see this but I can't stay here. I'm gonna miss everyone but my life's calling...

Life is about making the life you want. I decided to do what I was born to do. Use my damn voice and my words. I've looked and honestly music is all I can see myself ever doing. There isn't anything I could ever do. My decision to take the path set before me long ago was a long and hard decision to make. I will say that not even can fight fate. God had a plan for me from the beginning Can't turn around now. Its time I faced my damn life for what it is gonna be :)

fucking awesome!

life is what you make it and the sooner I realized I always had the means to get where I wanna go.

Stay focused, stay hungry, trust God...

I want a family, I want a house, I want the whole dream not just a piece of it. I know that if I want it all I have to work hard for it to protect it, defend it, earn it, and make a way to achieve it. 

My music playlist is looking like this right about now

Talking- Young Jeezy

Lights Please- J. Cole

Dollar and a Dream- J. Cole

Grown Simba- J. Cole

Trap or Die 2- Young Jeezy

Heartbreak Hotel- Game and Diddy

It's Been a Pleasure- Young Jeezy and Drake

Flight Double O- M.O.E.T.

Cut You Loose- M.O.E.T.

Fear- Drake

Shake- Game

Slanging Rocks- Game

Everything Red- Game, Lil Wanye, Birdman

I'm Back- T.I.

D.O. Wave- M.O.E.T.

Atlanta Zoo- Gucci Mane

This list will get bigger....

-Hazey

The Girl of My Dreams

You are the girl of my dreams

are you as good as you seem?

my hearts for you so baby hold it

so here girl- hold this

don't open your hand to another man

he'll break my heart if he can

protect my greatest fears if you can

my heart is all in your hands

but as your man please understand

everything within it is unique

I'm trusting you not to peak

keep my secrets underneath

of your words and what we speak

to my back is forever turned

so betrayal is never earned

to whom my secret revealed to you

no holding back here goes the truth

I don't think my heart could ever stand

you ever opening up your hand

I could never see you with another man

so my heart is within the seams

you are the girl of my dreams

-Hazey

my response..

To be honest,

Good.

-Hazey

Marley

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Was it the weed or the fact that he was truly brilliant? I for one believe it was both...lol
How can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? I can't, I won't, and after reading this I accept that. :] If the same doesn't go both ways then that is their lose because for them all I have are fond memories...

Anyway,
Life gets hard but every day I learn something new about myself. There was a quote I read somewhere and I can not remember for the life of me but it went like this,

"Whenever you realize there's nothing you can do, wait. You may discover that the reason for waiting was all for your benefit, because you're the one who needed to change"

Lately I realized that I've slowly been taking life by the horns and steering the bull. I'm not fully ready to drive my own bull yet. I need to slow down, my recent frustrations over my water-pump fiasco shed some light on the future of me and my life in a way. How I can do this all I have to do is get myself there, calmly and steadily. *deep breathe*

 My car was overheating yesterday everyone, yes I know I know, me and cars don't mesh well...lol She needs a new water-pump. I coordinated the whole transporting of my vehicle to the best location and repairs at the best price. I did all of which on stolen hotel internet ;]. My overall fees total my whole first pay check. It pains me to the core to lose my first paycheck ($504.48) the whole damned thing to my car but I also have to be thankful that I had the money to get the repairs in the first place. This quote I found today now that I spoke to the person I have no idea where it truly came from it was in her book.

I'm not having the best week but I will make the best of it regardless.

God Bless
-Hazey

PS- Lately I've noticed the changes in me are even in my posts...Guess you could say I found my way back to God on 2-12-2010

I remember

so this beginning portion of this post has absolutely nothing to do with my point...so umm yeah enjoy i guess...

I remember a year ago...
I'd be on my way north right now...Listening to music in my car on 285 cruising at 70 up to alpharetta to see you...My stomach was in knots just thinking about you...I miss my sunday drives after work...going far off to north buttfuck atlanta from an area closer to 1-20 than where I was headed...Dodging cops and on coming traffic...I miss going 25 miles to the one person in atlanta that made me feel completely normal...the last one too...lol...damn I love sundays though no lie...Its like family day at my house...we laugh and joke til about 9:00 then I'm the only one up...so yeah I forgot what I was writing about again...
anyway Today is mothers day...

I got my beloved mother a purse...She loved it by the way which is odd because me and my brother just literally grabbed a black purse at macys and bought it last night...slacking I know!..She loved it for three reasons other than we bought it for her on mothers day...It came with an umbrella, she needed a black purse (we had no idea she needed a black purse btw), and she said we had good taste...UMM YEAH...no comment...

I grilled the best dinner on earth today...Grilled New York Style Cuts with yellow rice. The cool part was the kabobs with mango and pineapples with veges...YUM...I shoulda taken a picture but ahh well...I dont live to take pictures I just like to live...anyway Hope you and yours had a wonderful mothers day...

God Bless

-Hazey

Updates

Man most of you would slap me for even mentioning this shit on my blog if you knew the true in depth back ground behind all of this. *warning this is a very long post and I would love suggestions*

My bestfriends wedding...

He's marrying a woman I CANNOT STAND! Literally the reason me and him almost stopped being friends over. She's a bit of a whore and in my very own opinion, FUGLY! Like Hillbilly, busted teeth, dumber than to birds tryna kiss with no lips, with feet that look like they've been originally belonged to nomads who walked on glass. This is all my opinion by the way... Flash forward 2 years and three affairs with three or four men they had a kid. I love the kid but I step back because he looks like her but could never in a million years be denied by my best friend. She and him are now getting married. June **** 2010. Nevermind they broke up for about a two months where my best friend was the sole parent for their son. Now, I am far from perfect. But this individual brings drama in her wake every step of the way. Now after being broken up for two or so months. My home boy had to deal with her other ex boyfriend after getting back with her the very same day! When I say she ain't worth shit! I mean it. My best friend, I'm locked between a rock and hard place on this one, he's got what Katt Williams would call "Bitch-dependency", excuse me if I offend. He is attached to a woman whom, even he knows and admits he knows, is not worth it. What tops it off is he knows he can find better! Nonetheless, I fear he's about to make a mistake that will cast his son into a word of false family and discord as a fucking 11 month old baby. Now my best friend appears happy. Which everyone is at first but what I think is going to happen and I really hope doesn't. Is he gets married to her and figures out he made the wrong decision....

I'm a supportive best friend I always have been. I fight him, verbally and physically. I console him. I've watched his back since the day we met. He has always done the same in return. I'm at my wits end on this one though. I have to be there to watch make a mistake that I can not save him from. It bothers me because I know no one is perfect. I want him to be happy and all. I realize that is the mother of his child. But I know its going to be the hardest thing in the world to watch him marry a woman whose unworthy....

My next point!

Well you know what I think i've gone thru this already briefly but heres an overview.

Involved with chick whom deep down I don't have any feelings for. I like her, she cool, but there's nothing there. No desire not even lust. I told myself I wasn't going to do certain things with her and I still did. I feel guilty about everything I do with her in that light because I feel like there's no connection. No deeper meaning. No worth to it. It hurts me to say this. If she and I had done this a year ago it would have been a different story. I know I make her feel......worthless...I have to break this off without causing her any damage you know...I don't have the energy to devote to even being just a fuck buddy. Sad I know! I don't feel right when I'm with her. I value the friendship, she listens, she helps, shes funny, attractive, girl friend material but I can't make all jigsaw puzzle pieces fit...I wanna keep her around and all...shit she's good company a little crazy tho but its tolerable...shit "truth be told I'd rather be with her than alone"...but like I said earlier I can't force her to fit if my heart, mind, soul, and body won't accept...

My next point...

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SLEEPLESSNESS!
Everyday, day in day out 7 days a week...I can work out til my body gives out...I can spar until my vision is blurry and my arms feel like lead weights...regardless of what happens that day...I won't fall asleep until 3 am...

Next Point...

I have a job!..at my previous employer :[...I left that job because I hated that job. Now I'm back, literally I'm just going to reach a short term goal and "Shake"...

Next Point...

I saw the ex who defined my insecurities as a man, as a lover, as a multiracial individual, as an artist...Christena...I havent seen nor heard from her in almost a year...We had a fight and I told her to rot under her significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell...those exact words....lol...that and don't speak to me again because I won't reply...Yeah we aint cool still but we have to work together and possibly walk together at this bullshit wedding. Reason, christena is a childhood friend of the whore-to-be, i mean bride to be...o well...I have to plan a jack and jill bachelor/bachelorette party with her... I 'll explain my infuriating argument in a minute...So yeah now I have to speak to her for the time being...

Next Point...

The whore-to-be, has made it clear that the party must be together with no strippers, no dancers, no other women what so ever and no other men either... I argued with her for two hours about the significance of my best friends bachelor party...How it has nothing to do with her insecure ass and how it has nothing to do with the strippers, the beer, the embarrassing photos, none of that. It's literally the last time a man has to be with just his friends before his life changes. It is a celebration of mans bachelor years and celebration of the marriage to follow. But no this dumb whore has him by the balls that have no use and I can only get drunk now...o well...

Next point...

I'm feeling better everyday despite this bullshit listed above. Shit if it wasn't for everyone elses issues I wouldn't be able to look at my life and thank God it aint like theirs!

So yeah check out the previous poetry, got some good feedback on it, leave love!
!bezzy! (pronouced b-z)

-Hazey

on a brighter note

1. I have a new job _ its my old job, the myers group, I hope it pays better this time around other wise I'm taking my pay check and doing bartender training this summer when school lets out
2. my front yard is being worked on _ my favorite tree was removed :[ and several other trees were chopped down
3. She utilized plan B, to my knowledge _  visit previous post to understand that story...btw there is nothing more awkward/humbling/empowering than being called the devil in the midst of sex...NOTHING!
4. and im finally over my ex girl friend... yeah feels good :D

just a few updates

List coming soon

-Hazey