an Ode to lil Bruh

An ode to lil bruh

You are oblivious, to everything. You kick my ass in dominoes all the time, yet fail in math. You look up to me and I realize that more now than ever. Our father has never really held any real weight in your eyes. In my opinion I have to make sure I live up to every expectation you have of me. Your are my burden and dammit I'm proud to take you as it. I wanna lead you in the right direction by leading by example. I'm moving to New York for myself but I'm doing it with all the right intentions. I wanna send you things in the mail. I wanna bring you out to stay with me for the summer once. I wanna come home as if I never lost touch with you. Your all I have and I don't intend to lose sight of that.

To that lil man whose taking pride in his beard which hasn't grown in yet. The guy that kicks my ass in dominoes. The guy that is just like me with women, very particular. To the guy that reps the white sox til the death of them. To the guy that can somehow not close a single door including the cereal box lid. To the guy that can run numbers so damn fast it's astonishing. To the kid I can go joke for joke with all day long. To the guy I can just chill and watch a show about suping your car up. 

Much love lil bro
-Hazey

*sigh*

It's 12:20 on a friday morning,

*sigh*

I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...

Saturday

My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.

Sunday

We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit


If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.

Monday

I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...

Tuesday

I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.

Wednesday

I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the corner...lol...my momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess

-Hazey

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"

The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...

to my readers

Dear readers,

At the moment I'm at a complete lose for words. My much younger cousin has passed away. He was 5. I'm at a lose for words...

Life is precious, enjoy every moment, laugh when you can, smile when you don't have to, tell the ones you love that you love them everyday, God is real....

-Hazey

my speechlessness

Silence, the calm over takes everything...
My heart beat is gone yet still pumping...
my hands run glacier cold...
bone shivering chill over my soul...
I have lost nothing lately...
except my will to speak to anyone...
behind these eyes I lay patiently...
for literally just one...
one simple phrase to be...
three words, syllables each...
I sit in silence to the confines of my mind...
surrendering all ability to have clarity of whats mine...
my eyes may show the raging war within my spine...
the cannons in the medulla as the soldiers stand...
the artillery sounds off in the pituitary gland...
the napalm shells hit the ground surrounding what was...
it hit that portion left of what I used to believe what was us...

-Hazey

The Dotted line

I gotta say that that was the bottom
hoping for something that I know won't happen
its funny to me how a bit of inspiration leads to a dream
funny how the heart speaks with no words
and how easily it can sway your days
changing your best mood,
That silence in solitude that can turn to tears

After a day of being completely lost at who I am and what I am about I came to some conclusions. Sickness not only fucks up your daily life but also your brain chemistry. I had been on bed rest for about 5 days this past week. Being able to walk around and talk to people feels awesome. I was happy VERY happy before I got sick. Now that my sickness is fading and I am returning to normal physically, I want my damn happy back. I notice it ain't coming back that easy. During my solitude I also noticed what my heart has been searching for so damned hard to find.
For years I have felt alone, and at first I thought it was the absence of a lover. So down that trek I lead myself. What a blinding and truly damaging road that was and still is. My heart is alone but not in love. I grew up so differently than other kids that I have been exposed to. Many growing up in the same neighborhoods for long periods of time, or moving from one place to another but many times going back to one place or they grew up so damn random I can't relate. I grew up in many places. I grew up with Koreans, Mexicans, Dominicans, whites and blacks. I didn't grow up in a small town. I grew up in many cities. I was a military brat at the beginning of my life. I find it hard to relate to people.
I hate walking into a room full of people and being stared at like a piece of strange meat the dog dragged in. Its discouraging. No! I am not like everyone else. I listen to rock, LOUDLY and I'm black and live in the south. I wanna play guitar, in high school everyone had a crew of people that they fit in with. The messed up part was I fit in no where. Not even amongst the nerds man, WTF! I look for companionship everywhere and have finally seen that, I am an anomaly in the equation of what a black man is. I don't talk like, act like, walk like, listen to the same music, think like or even fit the description of a typical black man.
With that said imagine what women see? I mean I hear that women look at me and see one of two things, gay or taken...(-_-), first off I can't stand other men too much anyway so those of you who even let that cross your mind go play with it(that thought of me being gay) in the middle of traffic. Most see that I'm taken, but the truth of the matter is I'm usually single. I don't hit on women alot because well I'd get sick of being hit on everywhere I went. That and I would rather get to know you before I decide to share bodily fluid with you.[lmfao]
The times that stick out to me the most have to be how I grew up and how other men grew up. My father, yeah not a great father, nor a very good one at that to be honest, didn't raise us to be men. To be honest he raised us to be something else. We were never close to relatives, like other people. Never shown how to interact with other men by him. He never showed us what pride in ones abilities looked like or even felt like. He never showed us how to walk tall and be confident. To be honest he didn't show us(me and my brother) what its like to be a man. A man shouldn't have to ask that from his father. My father, a confused native american male, his father left when he was 12 so he didn't know how to raise men. I don't fault him for that, that was not his fault. Just the things my father tried to provide us with separated us from other kids but in ways that made it hard for us to handle other people. Yes, he has been there, but he's just been a figure for many years. Those past 6 years of my life to be honest, I should actually be dead somewhere. Its strange to me when I see other guys getting really into watching football. I'll play it but I don't like to watch it. I find many things that guys do to be so very strange because well my knowledge when it comes to male interaction is very little. When it comes to female interaction its actually the same damn thing. He never talked with us about liking girls, or what he used to do. He honestly doesn't even speak about his childhood.
Anyway all I can say is the lack of similarities with others gets to me such to a level that it affects the way one preseves oneself. As I grew up no matter where I went I was always said to be different. Not like everybody else. After a while a person whom is deemed different wonders where are all the other people out there that are cast out as different from the norm? Or even if those people exist? Am I ever going to fit what women want? Will I ever just be able to just hang with the fellas? It plagues ones mind to a point where they find themselves always discontent not only with themselves but with the world around them.

thoughts for now
-Hazey

Dear Transgressions

Dear Transgressions,

Forgive those who have wronged you and created you

Remember your dreams and aspirations and that they belong to who

You! The heir to the unconquered skies and the kingdom there past it

Your dreams of riding and unholy steed into the stars

Claiming the universe for what it is worth and destroying doubt along with

So forgive those whom have left scars upon your heart

You remember the dreams you have to travel the highways of the universe

You only know the pain of your broken dreams and how they hurt

The things you have been through everyone can see in your cold stare

Tomorrow is another page and you can smell the change in the air

Love for ever

-Hazey

>>>[Behind those eyes- Three Doors Down; The Gift- Seether]<<<

Turtle has returned

Dear Father,

A long hard but brief moment of insight has come across me. On father's day of all days I came to actually appreciate my own father.Despite the recent opportunity to become one myself that I turned down so happily(hahaha). The thought of not being apart of my own childs life and it being raised by other people and a mother whom I see unfit, breaks my heart in pieces I can't explain. Despise you, yes I do so very very often do I. I can't hold a conversation with the man at all. We can't talk without there being an argument, literally. He throws every single last thing he has ever done for me in my face, and I mean that he does. I remember when I was 5 and you took me clothes shopping and I asked for a toy and you threw it in my face how you just bought me clothes. I don't ask you for anything. If I do its very very small in fact tiny even. You make no sense. You tell me I need to get my shit together and be doing things on my own but insist that I need to ask you for help because I'm not alone. You complain like a bitch, and are easily hurt by words. Physical pain we seem to handle just fine, we say ow but in reality it didn't hurt at all. I pulled in the driveway and looked at your brilliant parking job and realized mine was exactly the same. You aren't perfect. In fact, you have just as many flaws as an uncut diamond. You are my flesh and blood. I won't lie there are many a night I wish you would just disappear into thin air. I love you for trying. Your words suck, you can't relate to anything I say, nothing I do is ever going to good enough for you(I have yet to find), I will never truly ever be able to please you or make you proud, Holding an ordinary conversation will never ever ever happen so long as there is a 21 year gap between us, and we will probably never ever be able to communicate without arguing. Alas you are my father, you have never ever let me forget, your brutal words and military style of maintaining order have created the man I am. You aren't confident in me I see these things. I love you for being there even though I never ever asked you to be. I love you for not being there when I needed you. I love you because you aren't perfect, but you gave it a shot.

Love,
HaS aka Jr
Happy Father's Day



>>>[Trouble- Coldplay and Best of you-Foo Fighters]<<<

Dear Mom

Dear Gloria Renee Gibson Omar,

There is no doubt that you are the most influential person in my life. No questioning that. Your words to me over the past few days were stern and bit on the motherly side but needed I suppose. I have to admit something to you. I have some issues I need to have worked out. You are right I don't tell you much. I have to say that mom I am a man. That is something you of all people must understand. Men have egos even broken men have a since of pride. So I find it difficult when you ask of me to explain things that put my pride on the line when I am trying so very hard to save what is left of it. I find that I save my words for they are all I have left. Yes your son has hit rock bottom and you watched me sink. There is no doubt you saved me from drowning within myself. I'm not sure if you can talk your way into this fight. I'm sinking again. This time on a different playing field. I don't know if you noticed but my pride took a serious beating the last time you saw me sink. The one thing that was left of repaired was my self esteem. I can't fault you or blame for that you can only do so much for you are only human. I love you so much for being there and hanging in there when things are rough when it comes to me. There is a debt there that I could never ever pay and trying to would be insulting. I want to make you proud. Though you and I know it has to be on my terms. I will make you proud. One day, you are a proud, strong, mighty woman and I love you for it. You played both roles for a long time and I can never tell you how much I am thankful that you did and do. Times are hard on you and things are tough. I want to help you in whatever ways I can. So I do as little within your four walls as possible and clean up behind the other two when I am paying attention. I'm not the perfect son, boy I know I'm not. I know you ask me to do things several times before any of it gets done. What can I say other than sorry, and I love you and I'll try harder to listen the first time. :) Mom I love you so very very much and am thankful for everything you have ever done for me. And no amount of words, presents, money, cards, jewelry, or a combination of such could ever show that gratitude that is there. I talk about you with such a high regard and respect in public, best believe I do represent you well mom. I really do.

Love always and Forever,

Hassan Omar Jr.









p.s. I don't remember what it was that you asked me to grab before I left earlier in the day but I remember you telling me. Its a start right? :/

RE:Remembering full version

Remembering
The article

-HaS
*
I am a military Brat as people will call it. My family is made up mostly servicemen or former servicemen. My uncles, my cousins, my great uncles and there nieces and nephews. All the way down to my very own parents. You can still see the service with in them today. It changes a person. Disciplines them even. My own parents however do not want me to enter the armed forced in any fashion whatsoever. Now they never said I couldn't. They just feel its not a necessary route for me to undertake. I understand that. The amount of service and dedication you have to put into being in the armed forces puts a strain on your family and in times like these its best to avoid anymore strain. I have an inner and utmost respect for men and women within the military. Not trying to say anything by this next statement but many of you know it to be true. When people say they have a respect for them often times its is a tad cliche, often people respect them for the simple fact that they themselves couldn't push themselves to do it. My respect however comes from experience I should say. Many people don't know what it's like to watch one of your parents in a uniform and rifle headed off to another country for months on end. Many people don't know the mental strain it places on couples and their families not just immediate but the entire family. I on th other hand am able to keep things at the front of my mind without it hurting too much as others tend to push it to the back in hopes things work out for the best. I guess I can do that because well I had to. My father,yes the man I love but have a horrible relationship with, served in Korea and in the Gulf war the first one.
I have a few pictures of him and all its kinda funny, I can see why he says I remind him of him {lol}...the truth of the matter is I have never really said this but there are a few times very fair and wide they maybe that I have a really high respect and pride in what and where my father has gone in his life. Those moments are rare and I try my hardest to hang on to them. Thats what this post is about.
me and my father

My father and his brothers

*

I do agree with you. The sad part my own family which has mostly military men and women involved look at it as just a way to kick off the summer. At the current moment my uncle is serving his 6th or 7th tour overseas going back and forth from IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. My father served in the first gulf war my great uncles served in WWII and another one of my uncles served in Kuwait at the start of the war. My mother being of also a military background acts the way the rest of the nation does even though the war itself effects directly more than most.

So in agreement, Yes today is a day of remembrance....