Images

I keep seeing these images

Of you and me

Expressing things never spoken

Not moment wasted

Not a minute left untaken

Your skin to mine

My love to yours

Amazing to watch them intertwine

Your legs crossing mine

Your hands to my spine

My girth touches you

These images are burning

Leaving my mind yearning

For your touch

Your lust

and your love

Damn these images

-Hazey 

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

*sigh*

It's 12:20 on a friday morning,

*sigh*

I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...

Saturday

My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.

Sunday

We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit


If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.

Monday

I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...

Tuesday

I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.

Wednesday

I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the corner...lol...my momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess

-Hazey

Dreaming

Dreaming

I've washed these sheets a thousands times, yet every night I still smell you. I go out and have a great time, yet I still see you. In banners and windows, cartoons and tattoos. Everywhere I look I see some sign of you. At first it hurt and made it hard to move on. That hurt to turned to a pain of heartache that weighed on my brain. Whilst you live the life you want to live, my mind remains trapped here with what was. Every time I think I've broken free your memory simply reminds me. That I'm not done healing and that I still have much work to do. It's almost as if everyday I fight to piece me back together and escape this image. Yet every night I go to sleep and I quickly remember everything I tried so hard to forget. My dreams are of you, as creepy as that may seem now going on 6 months. Within my mind or at least in my heart you never left. Maybe this is why my dreams aren't sad or angry or confusing. No, not at all, all they are, are movies of me and you.

So tonight girl, it's only you and me....



-Hazey 

Dream Killer

Dream killer

Chest rises and falls
As the wind blows
The birds call
My mind slows
As the tree blows
See my dreams leave
While the blood flows
All down the street
It's kinda crazy man
How I pulled the trigga
Leaving the chamber and,
Enterin my nigga
Kinda strange he looked like me
Just before he fell
Damn man he fell right to his knees
His life went from heaven to hell
I swear I couldn't tell
That, that was my dream
It looked so familiar, to me
But when I pulled it didn't seem
Or at least appear to be
That it was at one point apart of me...

-Hazey

Idk what to call this...

What do you know about heartbreak?

Oh man she left you? Gotta say, your luck-e!
She coulda took your soul, instead just one beat
Your heart jump over, as it learned the truth
Living where you are, you just aren't satisfied
Longed eyed as they say, watching candy painted rides
Devils in ya mind, patiently waitin,
See hate in ya heart as world stops hatin',
You grow impatient, boredum is the sound
As mother says an idle mind is the devils playground
So you start drug abusing, watch the world sizzle
Memories all a blur, brain's a drowned match, sadly watch it fizzle
Meds in the cabinet, every night grab em
Don't think you're a druggy but you know you gotta have em
Prescription made high, new testimony
Funny thing to you is it never costs you much money
Addict behavior cuz a family pain, and low self esteem
Not all cuz a girl and her painful deeds
Heartbreak over dreams
Pills don't fix it, they say time heals all
But yet I'm still bleeding,
WHY can't I fix this?
Head seems to spin, as weed stops burning,
For my brain sakes it was yesterday I decided to stop smoking
Bitches on my nuts? Yeah, but I could give a fuck
Seems all the women here want is to be like squirrels
So I give em my nuts (haha)

Nuff said

-Hazey

>>>[Make Her Say- Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West & Common]<<<
>>>[Closer- Kings of Leon]<<<

Black Heart Inertia

Okay so I'm wide a-fuckin-wake and am on this tip to go to New York. In my head I am telling myself the positives of actually moving to New York. It seems my body is now a little more inclined to move to New York lately for some unearthly reason. So am I up looking up jobs and schools in New York and their requirements for residency and also for transfer students.
So far here are the schools I have looked at when it comes to tuition and transfer students it looks reasonable to me:

1. Berkeley College, 130 William Street New York, New York 10038
2. St. John’s University, 8000 Utopia Parkway Queens, New York 11439
3. St. Joesph's College, 155 West Roe Boulevard, Patchogue, NY 11772
4. Cornell University, 410 Thurston Avenue, Ithaca, NY 14850
5. Manhattan College Riverdale, NY 10471 since the address isn't given 718-862-8000

Recently I also chose to look up a few jobs. Honestly I have to say there are way more jobs up there than there are down here.

First Up of my top two of my 5 researched. Berkeley College
Tuition Cost $6350 per quarter. Now that may seem like a lot but in reality its not that much more than I pay at AIU. Residency is 42100-2200 for double residency and $2400-2800 for single residency. The school even added a MISC costs for all the other costs a student runs into. Total costs equals $7360 a year this includes books, personal expenses, and transportation.

Second up of my top two of my 5 researched. St. John's University
Tuition Cost $29350 per year. Now that seems steep but not to bad if you ask me. The other fees that I could run and will most assuredly run into will bring me to a grand total of $14490 this includes room and board, meals all fees for classes, application fee, and an additional late fee because I know me[lol].

I don't know sounds good if you ask me. I think I'll definitely have to mow all this over and contact their financial add departments and see how much money I am allegable to attain. Hopefully I'll get something.

on that note

on that note I hope you see
that I will amount to something
on that note I hope you are
there when it all to happens for me
on that thought,
I hope from then on
you don't see me as nothing
from then on I hope
I hope I make you proud of me

-Hazey

For Last

Its 4:37 a.m. and honestly I have been waking up a lot lately because I can't sleep. Not because I am horny, or hungry, or because of bodily functions, no nothing of anything of that sort. Its never because I have someone or something on my mind. The reason I have been having broken sleep is because I keep hearing songs playing in my head but at the same time, I'd much rather be awake than be asleep.

It was once said by Dr. Seuss -“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” But honestly I'm not in love with anyone. I'm just happy and in love with life again. Its so strange to me...

As for every lover I have lost to get to this point I'm not sad or mad. I'm fucking happy for all of them. They all moved on to other people and for the most part seem content. Dr. Seuss -“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." All I can say is man I have never been so excited to get going on my life's journey no matter how hard or how difficult it may get, I still want my German Shepard, My Harley-Davidson, my own apartment, to be fully trained in two martial arts, and to see the world. I just am happy again and its mind blowing...

Many people don't understand how it feels to finally be free of my insecurities, be free of my doubts, be free of my shame, be free of all dark thoughts that once clouded my judgment and my heart. I know that many people just do not understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and finally see yourself after all these years, it honestly feels like nothing else I've ever felt...

Just to smile again feels so great. To be happy just being me is like God lifted the stress off of my shoulders and showed me things are okay. It feels wonderful to just be me again. To listen to music in the morning and make my bed. It feels wonderful to make plans with literally anybody to go hang out. What feels even better is to make plans with myself and just enjoy them to myself. I am enjoying looking into things at my own will. It took years for me to realize I can't make anyone happy if I'm not happy first...and honestly I wanna perfect me being happy on my own before another person enters my life permanently again. They say save the best for last so with that said finding a person is literally what I wanna do. I wanna go and do me and see this nation and the rest of the world. It would be awesome if I had a companion to go do this with but I guess my dreams and wishes are enough to company on life's short but wonderful journey.


-Hazey

Current Track
>>>[Incubus-Admiration]<<<

updates

Okay so its been a while since I have given the world an update on my life thus far. I think its time I gave an update. I got a speeding ticket in Dekalb county in June. I went to the recorders court but by the grace of God himself the power went out and they must hence forth reset my court date, thank you Jesus! I was going exactly 33 miles over the speed limit and according to a recent law past my liscence should be suspended because I was caught going 30 miles over the limit under the age of 21. So you can best believe that I am so very happy to be able to drive and take my happy ass to work.
Okay so I'm single and in the past month and a half I have meet a few new people that honestly deserve a good 7 laughs. First up is a good friend of mine named Hill. I swear she is cool people but is like the spitting image of Christena my ex girl friend whom fucked me over very very badly. Now with that said she acts and even walks like my ex. She has a similar voice but not exactly. I often times find myself getting irritated with her over dumb shit that my ex did that I couldn't stand back then. Gotta work on that. I am not, will not, and shall not ever date and/or persue any type romantic relationship with her. For several reasons. She is a serious pot head and sorry to say it but she runs through guys fairly quickly. In my head i'm screaming "Hell NAH not even, BUT we can be friends and be cool ye digg." Now as far as everything else about her, she seems to think I don't want her because of her weight. Well, thats partly true but the first two things I mentioned are the things that KILL her chances with a shotgun. Yes I will admit she is a heavier set woman but that aint whats killing it, its the fact that she acts like Christena that's killing it. So after basically demolishing all of her hopes to ever get with me we are now just good friends. And to be honest I enjoy that.
I also met this random Dominican girl named Lucy. Yes she has the same name as my car. Quite ironic if you ask me. But nonetheless she was just a reminder of what I like in a woman. I love Latina women. Don't get me wrong if you are of another race I won't discriminate, I will in fact participate :). Anywho she informed me that the Dominican restaurant that I used to go to quite often was actually a cover up for a drug operation and the owner is now in jail for a LONG time.
Now aside from that Dominican there are my friends the Vazquez family. Justin recently moved to Georgia to live with his family here. He's cool as hell, Dominican as fuck. Now the part that has me in a bind is the fact that the house hold contains not one but two children under the age of 1 and there happens to be a lot of well unlawful activity going on if you get my drift. I honestly don't want to be apart of that anymore. Especially because the last few times I was there, 5 police squad cars pulled up. It was on that note that I decided it was time to move forward.
It was recently that I remembered who I was. Being that yes I had lost myself. I had lost myself for exactly 3 years and 2 months. Never thought I'd be the one to say this but I'm glad I finally recognize myself. Could you imagine waking up every single morning for 3 years and not recognizing yourself in the mirror. Every time I would pass by a mirror or see my reflection I was surprised or worse, I didn't even know that's what I looked like that day. Yes I could remember what I was wearing but I could never put my face on anything. I couldn't recall my own image. It was after watching the movie Orphan and smoking a good bit of marijuana that I realized what happened to me. You see I am not a perfect child, I was in fact involved with drugs, gangs, and honestly a lot of illegal activity that I know for sure that I should be in jail for. Thank God I'm not. The past is the past and moving forward is what life is about. It turns out that when my best friend left the state to get away from one person, it changed me. I didn't follow my dreams anymore, I didn't believe in myself anymore, and I didn't recognize myself anymore. I am a musical person with my artistic attributes. So tell me how does an artistic person lose themselves so much that they abandon all artistic ties and take up criminal justice or business as a career? Well I somehow or another did and when the person that I was woke up from 3 years of sleeping, I literally asked myself WTF!? Why am I not in Florida? Why am I still in Georgia? Why am I criminal justice major and why don't I have anything music related or even art related in my belongings anymore? I don't know but for years I seemed to have forgotten myself and it only took three broken hearts and a broken dream to wake me up.
So now that I am awake I am considering moving to Florida again. I am currently trying to find an acoustic guitar and a teacher. I want to attend many poetry slams and begin a few of my own. I want to attend def poetry slam if not be apart of it then at least watch. I want to travel the world and hopefully along the way find that perfect girl.


DAMN, it feels good to be back :)

-Hazey

I know You're Out There

I know you're out there
on a back porch somewhere
Staring at the moon in the summer nights air.
Hair blowing to the wind
Praying and begging God to find the strength within
If not that then help from a being in skin
Storm clouds rolling in, thunder and lightening.
You too find an attraction to power
The one nature uses in flowers
birds and bees and black rosaries.
You wish it would one day take you
Whisk you up above to a place of peace
To where your power is not an equal but unique
And the rules of love and pain can never be reversed.
Yes you can recall this to the last verse
Nobody knows the pain nor the hurt
Forever and Always, never came first


-Hazey





_________________________*________________________
Here is a response by Daurie :)
And so you found me
Staring through a midst of trees
up at a pale moon shining down on me
It's light is almost painfully blinding yet it's equally beautiful in that the light is binding with the dark
and such is life
You're right
I prayed and asked God to find the strength within
and He sent me you "a being in skin"
and when the storm clouds roll in, I know who to call
Him who stood by me through it all
So I thank you for not only looking
and seeing through the pain that's yours
but for opening the doors that have been locked for years
and drying the the never ending tears
looking past and seeing me
setting the sparrow free



_______________________________________*___________________________

My response

Free Sparrow

I know you're out there free
Beautiful song bird singing to me
Night air is crisp but refreshing
Flap your wings in excite, just to express it
or to express this
The feelings that you had while being locked away
I came to your heart, brought the key, you ran astray
I feel alone and still trying to find you
Your song gives me direction, I walk as if I were blind to,
The fact that you seem to be so far away
I take twelve more steps and she flaps further away
Trying to grab a hold of you is so damn hard
Who knew falling in love could leave such scars

-Hazey

Dear Transgressions

Dear Transgressions,

Forgive those who have wronged you and created you

Remember your dreams and aspirations and that they belong to who

You! The heir to the unconquered skies and the kingdom there past it

Your dreams of riding and unholy steed into the stars

Claiming the universe for what it is worth and destroying doubt along with

So forgive those whom have left scars upon your heart

You remember the dreams you have to travel the highways of the universe

You only know the pain of your broken dreams and how they hurt

The things you have been through everyone can see in your cold stare

Tomorrow is another page and you can smell the change in the air

Love for ever

-Hazey

>>>[Behind those eyes- Three Doors Down; The Gift- Seether]<<<

new found dreams

Man today realized I have some new dreams:

• I wanna get straight As in school
• I wanna get this job at titlemax
• I wanna go to law school if I enjoy criminal justice program
• I wanna own my own condo in atlanta
• or atleast have a lease on an apartment
• I wanna get back in shape
• I wanna pursue my happiness once again
• I wanna get a dog

Man there are sooo many things I wanna do with my life

its true he takes to give something better...I understand...

I miss her...but I understand

You know God is funny like that. Who knew a year ago I would be the one to pick your head up from crying in the mall as the world seemed to spin and your dreams crashed around you? Who knew a year later we'd end up where we began in the first place? Its like God answered my prayer but gave me a time limit to enjoy it. Its like he said here you go. Enjoy while you can, I have big plans for you. Taste your dreams and your happiness and remember what it feels like. You will have it again, someday hopefully. Although before you can truly have it, I need you to do what you came here to do. I'm destined for greatness I know I am. I'm destined to accomplish so many things in my life span and am going to accomplish many of my self determined goals. I will reach them. I want to see the proud look on my mothers face when she introduces me or talks about me. I wanna see the look of pride in my fathers eyes when I go the distance they know I can go. I'm going to get there. Its just one day and one prayer at a time.

All I want

ALL I WANT

nuff said

RE: Love

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;

In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;

In halls, in gay attire is seen;

In hamlets, dances on the green.

Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,

And men below and saints above;

For love is heaven, and heaven is love.

~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Posted by ★»»[Jezzuka]«« at 8:58 PM

For yours is heaven and heaven is yours
Your love is the water that helps the seed
The force beneath my feet and rumble underneath the sea
swaying back and forth I feel its power
amongst the trees never seizing, never stopping, even in the darkest hour
from my feet to my head to my back from my chest
your love flows through me; north to south; east to west
-HaS

Test of faith

Things are starting to unravel
and life seems like its readying arms
and building its masses as it prepares for battle.
So many others would panic and fold under the pressure
but on my neck there is a symbol of hope
representing grace under pressure.
I feel like I can get through this with ease
Its the first of many test GOD has for me
I know he is behind me and knows I can do for him what he
created me to do.


I see that there are many things that could separate you and i
my love. But this is all a test from Him. I believe he has faith in
us. I see these things as just tests to show us how much closer we can get.
I hope and pray you see them as gateways into each others arms.
I know we already are but I want us to get closer. I want to reach a level
neither of us has ever reached mentally, emotionally, physically, and intimately.
to create a bond between us that couldn't be shattered by any minor worldly
problem. I know its a lot to ask of you at the moment. But these things can wait. We have to take it one day at a time. And I promise to be there. I just want you to understand that I'm all ears baby. I hear to listen and understand. As well as throw in any help, advice, comfort, and support you may ever or never thought you ever need. There is only one thing I wish from you. I wish you would look to me for help like you did when you were stuck in Buckhead. I don't want you to need me. I just want you to understand you can't do it alone. I'm here for you. We can do anything baby. I know you're thinking you've got some obstacles. But they are just obstacles not walls. but even walls can be climbed. From B.O.A. to school to Chewie to your family. I am here. I wanna hear your thoughts and your feelings. I wanna know your dreams and all your goals. I want to know you fully as separate person but i want to know you also as another part of me as well and vise versa.
I love you so very much. but as much as these statement may scare you, I want more from us. I want to continue building. I see us reaching a very successful plateau. I just know I can't do this alone.

Will and Jada

I will admit that I was en el bano(hahaha)
and I decided to pick up an essence magazine in front of me
It had Jada Pinkette-Smith on the cover
So I decided to read in on the Smiths' life and love
I found them to be inspiring
The way they described each other and the way
they loved one another and supported one another
made me want to do the same.
I want a love that "I created"
A love where I push the other person to do
their God Given best. And have them do the same.
I mean look at where they are. They have GREAT careers.
They are in Hollywood but still don't have the media
prying into their lives. The must have WONDERFUL credentials.
I want that. I want to move to California and start a family and have a
great career. It sounds odd coming from a man's mouth. But they are what I want.
I want that from life. I want to be able to look at my partner and see she is happy and comfortable and feels safe and proud of what we have accomplished.
maybe i just want to much from life :(

Demons....

I rule your nightmares and conquer your day dreams
turning ever wonderful thought
into what I so may deem
Crawling in the confines of your mind
I leave doubt and despair behind
I leave questions and no answers
Answers to riddles you never even heard
I put that little drop of possibility in your cup of new aspirations
I tug and pull at all of your motivations
and all of your dream driven destinations
do you remember me now?

I think we've met before yes I think we have
that some one who made stay up at night and laugh
through the pours of my eyes
the words my heart can't cry
you were one that tried to fore see the future
with false tales and lies
yes its you, you i do recognize
The one i catch creeping up on me
the one formerly known and as great memory

when the dust settles

Passion, pain, pride, power.
All the things I gain with you by the hour
in your soul, I pray I lay.
I feel like I've made some mistakes.

Recently we've been kind of off
I feel as though I have been REALLY fuckin up.
I feel like I confuse your heart
Like I confuse your soul
Like I don't hold you enough when we finish
Like I don't kiss you enough
Like I don't laugh enough with you
Like I forgot our inside jokes
Like I just nearly lost you.
I've been feeling like I have been losing you for
a while now
To you it may seem to be second thoughts
or doubts
or feelings of thinking of getting out

and For that I apologize
I apologize for everything
I wish I didn't have to go thru this to figure out
how you felt
I dont wanna call you babes...
but Sweethart(thats how i say it...lol) I Love You
I really do
I see a bright future ahead of us
All I need is a sign from you that says
I'm ready...a sign that says I TRULY AM HERE
with you
Today I got that sign
I dont have doubts anymore
I will admit that I did
I will admit I did you wrong
I will admit that I truly am APOLOGETIC

My doubts:

You calling him babes
Feeling like you were still together with him
Feeling like you secretly wanted him and all I was, was filler
Feeling like you were going to leave me at any moment for him
Feeling like I wasn't really what you wanted
Feeling as though you were carrying another relationship behind my back
Feeling as though I can't trust you

My Hopes?

You dont call him babes
That you do just want a friend level with him and nothing more
That you don't give him false hope for the future
That you don't have a secret relationship with him
that you truly truly do love me the way I love you

What I know NOW:

I can trust you...



Let me Fix your heart, But promise me that it will be only be mine....

hopes and dreams

Throughout our lives we have dreams in which we hope to come true
they are complex yet simple, small but grand
indifferent and mighty yet sometimes completely unexplainable
and just us they live and breathe and yet again just like us
they also must die(,_,)
"It is the inevitable cycle of exist all things must come to and end, all things must conclude,...take the analogy of the tree that grows in Brooklyn among the steal and concrete with all its glorious branches and leaves, one day he too will pass on its legacy to the seeds it drops to the ground, and as men carry these seeds throughout the land and they take root, a new life will begin for each one of them, AS THEY STAND AS A MONUMENT TO THE ONE THAT CAME BEFORE"
These words scratch at my head as i reflect upon my day today. They scream to me as i remember what was. And remember the feelings of others. We build our entire lives on these dreams. When the die we sometimes lose track of what and WHO we are. Dreams define you yet your heart guides you. Let your dreams live but realize they don't fully die, they just change grow and adapt as we do...;)