do I deserve??

If I walk away, and pursue this dream, this lifestyle, this way doing things...

If I do what you wanted me to do and do what you can't...

If I walk away from this with my head high...

If I walk my life alone but with my brothers instead of you for now...

If I try my hardest to let you go and move on in ways I never thought...

If I travel the world and see all the things you didnt get to see...

promise me that you'll come back...

I hope that 6 years of work amounts to attaining your heart

I'm still asking myself do I deserve you?

am I worthy?

my answer is always...

no...

-Hazey

I know you still miss me...

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"

The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...

Destructive

Drestructive

<\3

Your gravity is overwhelmingly powerful
It seems like as hard as I push you just pull
Pull me closer and closer to what I can never truly have
The beautifully bright star that you are
What you are is destructive times a half
You became a black hole a long time ago
Pulling me into your world with your smile
Attracting me with your gaze like a moth to a flame
I won't lie a shiver goes up my spine when I hear your name
When you walk past my heart skips to a beat after a while
It's crazy because I wish you knew I existed atleast
Because for you I'd walk from here to the far east
Yes just me with my bare naked feet
Yet you still don't even see me
I wish I were injured or dying just for your attention
That sounds crazy even to me when I read this back and listen
But I always ask myself why does this blackhole pull me in?
She's doesn't even know I'm here, why give in?
She's destructive Hazey let her go some how
But my heart always says ,what if I wanted you here right now?


*dear reader now read it backwards*

-Hazey  

Idk what to call this...

What do you know about heartbreak?

Oh man she left you? Gotta say, your luck-e!
She coulda took your soul, instead just one beat
Your heart jump over, as it learned the truth
Living where you are, you just aren't satisfied
Longed eyed as they say, watching candy painted rides
Devils in ya mind, patiently waitin,
See hate in ya heart as world stops hatin',
You grow impatient, boredum is the sound
As mother says an idle mind is the devils playground
So you start drug abusing, watch the world sizzle
Memories all a blur, brain's a drowned match, sadly watch it fizzle
Meds in the cabinet, every night grab em
Don't think you're a druggy but you know you gotta have em
Prescription made high, new testimony
Funny thing to you is it never costs you much money
Addict behavior cuz a family pain, and low self esteem
Not all cuz a girl and her painful deeds
Heartbreak over dreams
Pills don't fix it, they say time heals all
But yet I'm still bleeding,
WHY can't I fix this?
Head seems to spin, as weed stops burning,
For my brain sakes it was yesterday I decided to stop smoking
Bitches on my nuts? Yeah, but I could give a fuck
Seems all the women here want is to be like squirrels
So I give em my nuts (haha)

Nuff said

-Hazey

>>>[Make Her Say- Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West & Common]<<<
>>>[Closer- Kings of Leon]<<<

worse?

I don't know what's worse.

The fact that you realize that you are still not over a person?

The fact that you catch yourself hoping to hear from them?

Or the fact that you know your hopes are pointless?

Seriously, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to desire your presence. I don't want to think about you as much anymore. I don't want to miss you as much anymore. I don't want you to have had such a hold on my heart like you do. I don't want to hope to hear from you. I don't want to desire your love and affection anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to, want to be apart of your life anymore. I don't want this or to want you or us anymore. I'm sick of missing you...

but lately and sadly I just can't seem to stop.........

I want to go back but I knew then and I still know now I have to let this and you go. You are NEVER EVER coming back. You made me so very happy and to be honest with myself I'm not sure if I can be that happy again. NO, I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone like I loved you. You couldn't...do some of the things I did and some of the things I couldn't do either. But to be honest I don't want to live my life looking back over my shoulder every know and then to see if you're there. Especially when I know that you can NOT ever truly be there the way I wish and want you to be. I have so much going on right now from my parents divorce and my mothers safety, my brothers mental, my fathers well being ;to my the confusion my family has. but the one thing I wish I had right now was you. You made the room stop spinning my piece of chilly ice that held my reptilian ass to the ground in a sea of confusion and deception you were my piece of ice, see through with no deception, no smoke and mirrors, no lies, no not you. You were and still are the best but not permanent and sometimes I believe my heart won't let you go because I truly believed in my heart that I had found the woman of my dreams, the woman to whom I could hang on to because you and I worked so well together and the fact that when I speak of you to this VERY day I will NEVER EVER say a negative thing about you. Also the fact that I wanted to buy you one of these. And because I wanted that for you, for us, I just can't believe its done and over with. Maybe I just still haven't dealt with my feelings for you I have no IDEA! BUT The one thing I want at this very second is to let go of hope that one day we'll cross paths again, that or hear your voice again [,_,]...but even the foolish dream just like the hopeful.....

I don't know maybe someone else out there can read this and make sense of my feelings....

-Hazey

>>>[Little Bit- Drake ft. Lykke Li]<<<

Dear Guitar

Free Verse speech to ones self

Man I owe you an apology
for years I forgot you, no I forgot me
my greatest fear is to be forgotten...
Why should anyone care if even I forgot me?
The one who was so head strong and forward
Never broke down, never stalled or stuttered...
The past three years you've been living a lie
telling yourself these dark things, praying, wishing to die...
The insecurity...the pain...the...Speechlessness
The cracks in your shell.....your weaknesses
Things got so out of hand, so far from your control
That which you despised was in your grip, my hold
Now that I've woken up and seen the damage with both of our eyes
can I breakdown now? Can I now allow myself to cry?
Can I go back on everything I've ever felt and fall apart?
Can I play this tune and let the tears be notes and let the scars be my guitar?

-Hazey

tearing me apart

I'm silent/
resilient and hell bent/
my heart has been wasted/
spit out after tasted/
No words from my mouth/
the muscle from the south/
pumping and squirting blood out/
yes in deed I have been here before/
Three different chalk lines/
Three different bodies and more/
The motives were different/
The intentions weren't given/
Stab wound to the upper right ventricle/
Bullet wound to the other side, symmetrical/
Last entry wound is unidentifiable/
replaceable with different objects, the evidence is undeniable/
-Hazey

The path that runs west of the moon and east of the sun

The path that runs west of the moon and east of the sun

If you are taking the path in between I guess I'll head towards the moon/
At least there I can see the stars and make it monsoon/
The galactic universe at my finger tips/
Rearrange the stars into the shape of her lips/
Pull the black holes into the shape of her eyes/
Grabbing supernovas and twist them into her smile/
Reshape the storms into the flesh of her face/
Find a way to bring back her smell and her kiss her slow/
Grab her by the waist and hang on to her thighs/
Let the flavor of her soul linger for a while/
And settle down on a distant moon some place/
Stare at my creation and feel her glow/
Feel the love she once had for me/
Feel complete once again as she drifts into sleep/
Gaze at her on my shoulder as we cruise the stars/
The nights still young and my heart's still full, dear God this feeling is the only one that makes feel free to once again drift to sleep/

-Hazey

My problem and my apology

I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
HIM
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."