Haze is in the City...FINALLY!
Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!
So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.
I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...
Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.
I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.
I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.
I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...
Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...
I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...
Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze
Showing posts with label Insight from turtle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insight from turtle. Show all posts
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
when i need a reminder
this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God
though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...
In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...
i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!
But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey
- I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
- I have gained a sense of self
- I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
- I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
- I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
- I understand my own thought patterns
- no kids
- no criminal record
- a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
- good health
- good looks(i have an ego too you know)
- and EVERY MOMENT IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
- I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
- I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
- I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
- I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)
though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...
In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...
i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!
But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey
Monday, May 9, 2011
as the world turns
It seems like the longer time pass
less I seem to know you
years in the whole
and yet even ya own fears cant show you
love is blind a beast
it talks in riddles and tongues
can't seem to follow its speech
seems like on every word I'm hung
distance aint a factor
na but time will always tell
your words never seem to master
what you heart screams and yells
telling things about what it wants
and dreams of attaining it
im done figuring out your code
same ole broken record, I quit!
the day I look into your eyes
my souls gonna tell it all
love stops but as the world turns
we'll see whose more reluctant to fall
-Hazey
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The truth behind the words
They say you shouldn't give a shit about what other people think. They say that because dwelling on anothers thoughts is evil and in many ways a sin.
I know first hand what dwelling on anothers thoughts can do to a person. It can destroy a person from the inside out. The thoughts of another person are theirs and theirs alone. The focusing on and dwelling upon those thoughts can lead to mistrust, doubt, anger, hatred, and usually unhappiness.
I remember thinking about what she was thinking and wondering why can't she stop thinking about that? My focus wasn't on her but on her thoughts. My focus wasn't on making her happy it was on eradicating those thoughts she was having which in everyway back fired.
To the next one this mistake won't be repeated. Whenever that maybe...
Anyway I forgot the point of this who page of information was truly about.
Later
-Hazey
They say you shouldn't give a shit about what other people think. They say that because dwelling on anothers thoughts is evil and in many ways a sin.
I know first hand what dwelling on anothers thoughts can do to a person. It can destroy a person from the inside out. The thoughts of another person are theirs and theirs alone. The focusing on and dwelling upon those thoughts can lead to mistrust, doubt, anger, hatred, and usually unhappiness.
I remember thinking about what she was thinking and wondering why can't she stop thinking about that? My focus wasn't on her but on her thoughts. My focus wasn't on making her happy it was on eradicating those thoughts she was having which in everyway back fired.
To the next one this mistake won't be repeated. Whenever that maybe...
Anyway I forgot the point of this who page of information was truly about.
Later
-Hazey
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Nice guy
Why I'm a nice guy
I am told that I am mean, selfish, stubborn, self centered, an asshole and even intimidating. There's a reason I'm that way, believe it or not. It's because I'm actually a nice guy. Contrary to what people believe most men are. I'm the latter becuase women take advantage of that niceness. They use it abuse it and laugh at the pain they cause. It's quite sick if you think about it, because when a man does the same we are called dawgs. Women, I am far from a bashed of your species. I love women for many many reasons some apparent and others not so much. But it seems to me that if I'm not a complete asshole to you, you don't care about me. It's like I have no choice but to be an asshole otherwise I'm looked at as needy, pathetic, clingy, too nice, too available, too weak, or just a plain pushover. Now when I'm an asshole none of that is reflected...I'd rather be an asshole and not get my heart smashed to pieces than too nice.
-Hazey
I am told that I am mean, selfish, stubborn, self centered, an asshole and even intimidating. There's a reason I'm that way, believe it or not. It's because I'm actually a nice guy. Contrary to what people believe most men are. I'm the latter becuase women take advantage of that niceness. They use it abuse it and laugh at the pain they cause. It's quite sick if you think about it, because when a man does the same we are called dawgs. Women, I am far from a bashed of your species. I love women for many many reasons some apparent and others not so much. But it seems to me that if I'm not a complete asshole to you, you don't care about me. It's like I have no choice but to be an asshole otherwise I'm looked at as needy, pathetic, clingy, too nice, too available, too weak, or just a plain pushover. Now when I'm an asshole none of that is reflected...I'd rather be an asshole and not get my heart smashed to pieces than too nice.
-Hazey
Sunday, November 28, 2010
[Teach you...
>>>[ Teach you a lesson- Drake]<<<
So this past thanksgiving has been very insightful. Btw yes I realize it's 5:11AM Sunday morning. So I'll start with wednesday night.
Wednesday night I was extremely stressed out driving to south ga. I was also excited to tell my mom the news about winning a vacation to the Bahamas. Now this seems odd becuase the night before me and Sabrina talked about some extremely dark things, depression, so the news was a good boost for me. My main concern was getting to Albany on thanksgiving day with a bad tire with both me and my uncle and get back. I had never my car on such a long trip before, jus to let you know my trip to Florida would have been my defining tester for this scenario. Also gas, I was cutting it short because of my recent plane ticket purchase to New York. My uncle calls me, I also have a cold, at 11:30 pm asking me if I am asleep. I was drifting but he ruined it. He was telling me he wanted to bring over the ham food dinner tomorrow.
Now at this point I think he's high or drunk but I know he doesn't do those things. Anyway some woman in the background, whom I think was either his ex wife or his girlfriend, I'm not sure. Btw he's 60 years old and for him to be unwed is normal for my family, for both the men and the women. I tell him to bring tomorrow and that I'm leaving at 12 noon. Goodnight.
This nigga shows up at 8am, to make a phone call! He drove for 20 minutes up from panola road to my house to make a gotdamn phone call. I was a lil ticked but not too much. So I ask him how much he can give me for gas he says 20 dollars, I was like that won't even give a full tank. I drive a mustang, and Albany 2 1/2 hours away! Also I need a tire. So I tell him i need him to ride with me to see if this tire shop is open on thanksgiving morning.
It turns out while I was getting dressed he called all of my cousins and aunts and uncles from the house phone. When I came back down stairs from getting dressed which was about 20 minutes, he left. So now at this point I'm confused beyond belief, but that's my uncle.
With that said I call him and ask why he left? He tells me he had to return the car he borrowed. Now I'm pissed, but I let it go. I filled the car with the last of my money until Saturday.
We get on the road and I tell him exactly what he just did to me in the past 9 hours that made no sense whatsoever. Now that I look back at his tactic he's kinda manipulative...
Anyway we arrive in Albany after 2 hours and 45 minutes on the road ,he had to pee. By this time it's 12:30, and my mom shows up with my other cousin. The thing is I've noticed that my mom has changed towards my cousin Cat, becuase now she stays with my cousin Alisha more often. Who knows, it could be the new boyfriend or something else, idk. Anyway, I gotta say that guy is creepy, lol. Now the funny thing is my uncle steve shows up he's a cop. He shows up around 2 ish and eats early. Then around 4 my uncle frank shows up along with shell, Dion , and my grandma. My mother asks me when I'm heading back I tell her tonight. She says no and everyone points out my tire.
Here's where I hang my head say I deserved the punishment of Saturday morning more than anything. I wanted to be home in time to have a party, honestly. She tells me that I'm staying and that they are gonna have the tire replaced in the morning. I say fine well can have my uncles 20 dollars to put in my tank cuz we burned all the gas I put in literally! He tells me no. Now I'm really pissed off! He bugs me and manipulates me into leaving earlier, uses all my gas to get here and refuses to pay when we get there...I say fine and try to let that shit go. Thanksgiving was good, family, food, and the after dinner laughs. As usual, gotta love em. So I fail to really sleep after watching a movie with the family. I have a cold and sleeping on a couch doesn't make it any easier.
The next morning my cousin pooht shows up, he is one of my cousins that's cool not exactly a role model for no man is perfect but a good person nonetheless. He brought me two tires to put on my car considering they were larger than my set. Now I know what your thinking, mix-match tires? Well I drive a mustang. So with that said mustang owners often have two different size tires on the car because it is a "rearwheel drive" car. Say that several times fast. This basicaly means smaller tires in the front and larger tires in the back. Now that does causes two things to happen to me.
Less chance of fish tailing, but depending on the situation it can cost me less for tires than most people. Reason being is I'm not buying a whole set of tires. On the the other hand I can not rotate my tires and I will simply just have to replace them.
Anyway back to the story. My cousin and I went to the family owned garage. Which was odd becuase these men worked as if the work wasn't desired. I looked around and noticed that they has no competition and most of the people in the area had to come here or drive much further for the same service. I find out that my cousins tires are 3 inches too tall and that I wouldn't be able to go over bumps because of how low my car was to the ground. So I just purchase one tire.
When I get to my other cousins house my mom says call me before you leave. I say I can't I need gas clarence didn't leave me the money. Now she's irritated and tells me to go to my uncles house and get the money. She calls him before indrive over there, to find out he's not there. She gets in touch with him and tells her he will pay her back. That royally pissed me and her off. She fills my tank and I hit the road.
Party time! I get really fucked up, there was about 13 people at house that night not counting myself and 3 others. So it was nice not too many people but plenty of beer pong. I tools shotof 1800 silver tequila. That night I was sick and blew chunks. The next morning I threw chunks until about 3 pm. I was in alotta pain...
I deserved it! I threw a party in my house with women, beer, and marijuana. I was having a great time, not spending it with my family, lik I should have been! Served me right not being there. I really did have to work Saturday, I was so sick I couldn't even dial in. The fucked up part is I know this week is about to be hectic...
I've spent all day at home by myself, and I took a bath and the name of this entry came on. It reminded me of someone, and the night asssociated with it...
Hahah yeah, she learned alot that night...lol...so did I! In the park after dark and not getting caught, is pretty nice ;). Memories man! Anyway the title fits because I remember feeling like such a child while I was with my moms side of the family.
Them fixing my tire and helping me and not being grateful that someone somewhere does care about me. So after the party ends and the silence begins, I should be grateful not resentful of there help.
Food for thought...
-Hazey
So this past thanksgiving has been very insightful. Btw yes I realize it's 5:11AM Sunday morning. So I'll start with wednesday night.
Wednesday night I was extremely stressed out driving to south ga. I was also excited to tell my mom the news about winning a vacation to the Bahamas. Now this seems odd becuase the night before me and Sabrina talked about some extremely dark things, depression, so the news was a good boost for me. My main concern was getting to Albany on thanksgiving day with a bad tire with both me and my uncle and get back. I had never my car on such a long trip before, jus to let you know my trip to Florida would have been my defining tester for this scenario. Also gas, I was cutting it short because of my recent plane ticket purchase to New York. My uncle calls me, I also have a cold, at 11:30 pm asking me if I am asleep. I was drifting but he ruined it. He was telling me he wanted to bring over the ham food dinner tomorrow.
Now at this point I think he's high or drunk but I know he doesn't do those things. Anyway some woman in the background, whom I think was either his ex wife or his girlfriend, I'm not sure. Btw he's 60 years old and for him to be unwed is normal for my family, for both the men and the women. I tell him to bring tomorrow and that I'm leaving at 12 noon. Goodnight.
This nigga shows up at 8am, to make a phone call! He drove for 20 minutes up from panola road to my house to make a gotdamn phone call. I was a lil ticked but not too much. So I ask him how much he can give me for gas he says 20 dollars, I was like that won't even give a full tank. I drive a mustang, and Albany 2 1/2 hours away! Also I need a tire. So I tell him i need him to ride with me to see if this tire shop is open on thanksgiving morning.
It turns out while I was getting dressed he called all of my cousins and aunts and uncles from the house phone. When I came back down stairs from getting dressed which was about 20 minutes, he left. So now at this point I'm confused beyond belief, but that's my uncle.
With that said I call him and ask why he left? He tells me he had to return the car he borrowed. Now I'm pissed, but I let it go. I filled the car with the last of my money until Saturday.
We get on the road and I tell him exactly what he just did to me in the past 9 hours that made no sense whatsoever. Now that I look back at his tactic he's kinda manipulative...
Anyway we arrive in Albany after 2 hours and 45 minutes on the road ,he had to pee. By this time it's 12:30, and my mom shows up with my other cousin. The thing is I've noticed that my mom has changed towards my cousin Cat, becuase now she stays with my cousin Alisha more often. Who knows, it could be the new boyfriend or something else, idk. Anyway, I gotta say that guy is creepy, lol. Now the funny thing is my uncle steve shows up he's a cop. He shows up around 2 ish and eats early. Then around 4 my uncle frank shows up along with shell, Dion , and my grandma. My mother asks me when I'm heading back I tell her tonight. She says no and everyone points out my tire.
Here's where I hang my head say I deserved the punishment of Saturday morning more than anything. I wanted to be home in time to have a party, honestly. She tells me that I'm staying and that they are gonna have the tire replaced in the morning. I say fine well can have my uncles 20 dollars to put in my tank cuz we burned all the gas I put in literally! He tells me no. Now I'm really pissed off! He bugs me and manipulates me into leaving earlier, uses all my gas to get here and refuses to pay when we get there...I say fine and try to let that shit go. Thanksgiving was good, family, food, and the after dinner laughs. As usual, gotta love em. So I fail to really sleep after watching a movie with the family. I have a cold and sleeping on a couch doesn't make it any easier.
The next morning my cousin pooht shows up, he is one of my cousins that's cool not exactly a role model for no man is perfect but a good person nonetheless. He brought me two tires to put on my car considering they were larger than my set. Now I know what your thinking, mix-match tires? Well I drive a mustang. So with that said mustang owners often have two different size tires on the car because it is a "rearwheel drive" car. Say that several times fast. This basicaly means smaller tires in the front and larger tires in the back. Now that does causes two things to happen to me.
Less chance of fish tailing, but depending on the situation it can cost me less for tires than most people. Reason being is I'm not buying a whole set of tires. On the the other hand I can not rotate my tires and I will simply just have to replace them.
Anyway back to the story. My cousin and I went to the family owned garage. Which was odd becuase these men worked as if the work wasn't desired. I looked around and noticed that they has no competition and most of the people in the area had to come here or drive much further for the same service. I find out that my cousins tires are 3 inches too tall and that I wouldn't be able to go over bumps because of how low my car was to the ground. So I just purchase one tire.
When I get to my other cousins house my mom says call me before you leave. I say I can't I need gas clarence didn't leave me the money. Now she's irritated and tells me to go to my uncles house and get the money. She calls him before indrive over there, to find out he's not there. She gets in touch with him and tells her he will pay her back. That royally pissed me and her off. She fills my tank and I hit the road.
Party time! I get really fucked up, there was about 13 people at house that night not counting myself and 3 others. So it was nice not too many people but plenty of beer pong. I tools shotof 1800 silver tequila. That night I was sick and blew chunks. The next morning I threw chunks until about 3 pm. I was in alotta pain...
I deserved it! I threw a party in my house with women, beer, and marijuana. I was having a great time, not spending it with my family, lik I should have been! Served me right not being there. I really did have to work Saturday, I was so sick I couldn't even dial in. The fucked up part is I know this week is about to be hectic...
I've spent all day at home by myself, and I took a bath and the name of this entry came on. It reminded me of someone, and the night asssociated with it...
Hahah yeah, she learned alot that night...lol...so did I! In the park after dark and not getting caught, is pretty nice ;). Memories man! Anyway the title fits because I remember feeling like such a child while I was with my moms side of the family.
Them fixing my tire and helping me and not being grateful that someone somewhere does care about me. So after the party ends and the silence begins, I should be grateful not resentful of there help.
Food for thought...
-Hazey
Saturday, November 20, 2010
from the soul
Dear...you...
when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?
Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...
I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...
Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...
I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...
My simple question:
From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?
-HaS
when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?
Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...
I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...
Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...
I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...
My simple question:
From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?
-HaS
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Dad and his damn voice...
You know without hesitation
I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...
This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.
I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?
Humph...
Yeah my thoughts exactly...
Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"
The fucked part is I never had answer...
When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....
I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...
As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?
Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again! Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"
I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol
-Hazey
I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...
This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.
I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?
Humph...
Yeah my thoughts exactly...
Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"
The fucked part is I never had answer...
When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....
I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...
As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?
Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again! Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"
I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol
-Hazey
Monday, October 25, 2010
The original reason i began writing
My phones off as of this week...and its funny cuz at the moment i wanna send you a text message then I realized that even when I can't even call you...it bothers me...alot...atleast...i notice...to be honest...what I mean is I think about you...alot more than what may appear...I'm sure you like...nigga I have a life up here! lol IN NEW YORK! UP TOP SON, lemme son you, and its startin to get brick lol...
And I also realized you were my first inspiration to begin writing in the first place...I was writing before but the original reason to write was because of you...I used to think how you thunk when I would write...lol...I was confused back then...but I'm just tryna say I miss you...
my words keep falling on themselves because it seems like im trying to run towards you but you don't want me to...I want a lot from life and I remember when you left for new york...direction for me was lost...Ive been tryna steer myself back in the direction I was headed before...when I say its hard to picture life without you...I mean it in ways you don't...
I say these things because its not strange for me to write you...I can write you and not feel like a complete idiot for doing so...I write you because you are my reason to stand...writing you was the only thing that made sense...since I STOPPED...I feel like my direction is off too...like I keep wondering why this...and why that...all the while ignoring you...we aint walking the same walk of life any more...I wish I were there...and at many times wish you were here...
I'm writing you because...I'm glad that even if I never find anyone else...I can still...write you after all this time...MY words seem harsh...hurt...and kinda to the point in my opinion...I wish I could say things better
...but I'm writing you because you are my life line...you are my bridge back to reality...you are my ladder...my life guard in life's ocean
...and I'm so glad you are...
and the sooner I get back to living life with you...the better both of our lives will be...
And I also realized you were my first inspiration to begin writing in the first place...I was writing before but the original reason to write was because of you...I used to think how you thunk when I would write...lol...I was confused back then...but I'm just tryna say I miss you...
my words keep falling on themselves because it seems like im trying to run towards you but you don't want me to...I want a lot from life and I remember when you left for new york...direction for me was lost...Ive been tryna steer myself back in the direction I was headed before...when I say its hard to picture life without you...I mean it in ways you don't...
I say these things because its not strange for me to write you...I can write you and not feel like a complete idiot for doing so...I write you because you are my reason to stand...writing you was the only thing that made sense...since I STOPPED...I feel like my direction is off too...like I keep wondering why this...and why that...all the while ignoring you...we aint walking the same walk of life any more...I wish I were there...and at many times wish you were here...
I'm writing you because...I'm glad that even if I never find anyone else...I can still...write you after all this time...MY words seem harsh...hurt...and kinda to the point in my opinion...I wish I could say things better
...but I'm writing you because you are my life line...you are my bridge back to reality...you are my ladder...my life guard in life's ocean
...and I'm so glad you are...
and the sooner I get back to living life with you...the better both of our lives will be...
-HaS
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Southern Breeze
This is a response to a challenge that I stumbled upon during my lostness after a night of confusion and a weekend of fun with pockets of anger in the midst of such...
I live in the South, Atlanta to be correct...
Probably the Souths epicenter if you ask me...
Racism...let me rephrase that...Ignorance is still alive...Atlanta is changing slowly but surely...While watching the video she posted I nearly cried...Not because of the injustice of what was happening but because that hurt my soul to know that things like that happened, and could have happened to me or a relative of mine...My grandfather(RIP) whom marched in the civil rights marches in Albany, Ga. comes to mind...I'm emotional and I hate it because people say I think too much but the real truth is I FEEL too much...My emotions get the best of me and seeing this, experiencing racism first hand and knowing that ignorance has no conscience...
when a person or group of people act against another where racism is playing a role in whatever the situation may be...why is it that there is no guilt? shame? notion to stop what you are doing because as children of God, we are all specifically told "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...racism, bigotry, ignorance of any level literally breaks my heart,
I watched the movie Robin Hood the most recent film created, and Robin is asked by King Lionheart what do you think of my crusade? He responds saying "...when we were ordered to bring our swords down upon women and children, I looked in this womans eyes. I did not see fear, hatred, but Pity. That once that order was cast we all became godless." or something like that lol....i think you get my point...
none of this makes any sense and if God decides to turn his watchful eyes away in 2012...with the way the world is and has been I could not be upset...
-Hazey
I live in the South, Atlanta to be correct...
Probably the Souths epicenter if you ask me...
Racism...let me rephrase that...Ignorance is still alive...Atlanta is changing slowly but surely...While watching the video she posted I nearly cried...Not because of the injustice of what was happening but because that hurt my soul to know that things like that happened, and could have happened to me or a relative of mine...My grandfather(RIP) whom marched in the civil rights marches in Albany, Ga. comes to mind...I'm emotional and I hate it because people say I think too much but the real truth is I FEEL too much...My emotions get the best of me and seeing this, experiencing racism first hand and knowing that ignorance has no conscience...
when a person or group of people act against another where racism is playing a role in whatever the situation may be...why is it that there is no guilt? shame? notion to stop what you are doing because as children of God, we are all specifically told "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...racism, bigotry, ignorance of any level literally breaks my heart,
I watched the movie Robin Hood the most recent film created, and Robin is asked by King Lionheart what do you think of my crusade? He responds saying "...when we were ordered to bring our swords down upon women and children, I looked in this womans eyes. I did not see fear, hatred, but Pity. That once that order was cast we all became godless." or something like that lol....i think you get my point...
none of this makes any sense and if God decides to turn his watchful eyes away in 2012...with the way the world is and has been I could not be upset...
-Hazey
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Pen Pal, Life thus far
I know you are all like WTF??? Lol is this a letter? And why is it typed? lol
YES!..
…So I'm gonna be ur pen pal
Imma start writing you to keep you in the loop so when we talk it ain't so full of gaps. I think it may even help our friendship in the long run... I miss you...
I've been so many places and done so much shit idk where to begin. So last place I remember telling you : christena got married to Kim, Micheal is...still not married to that thing with two kids, shorty dropped off the globe after you left, and quitta text me yesterday lol.
Christena married and a he-she. Yep I said it she married a woman that looks like a man, literally...she even moved to Iowa to live with her and be gay lol. That sounds so mean out loud lmfao! Yeah that shit is still funny to me.
Mike works everyday and comes home to that. I wish there was something I could do for em you know? But he's in a tight spot, I trust God though so he'll get out somehow.
I saw shorty once after you left and heard about her at a party. Shit was strange yo. Small world we live in. Ain't heard shit bout her since.
Oh yeah renaldo removed the wet and wavey shit from his head thank God! No more human torch mess. Cuz that nigga was a Hot mess... Now he's just a mess lol he's go his own place though...I'll give him that thou.
Quitta is my nigglet lol. She had me rolling the other day through text messages. Calling me a hot mess for being in the streets lol. She called me a black baboonie lmfao
Alex is getting into college. Daniels big as hell now. Giving me dap and shit. Anthonys still Anthony lol. I'm throwin a lil party at my house this weekend him and Alex are coming.
I wish you were!!! ('_')
Moms dating and everything which is cool. I told her the minute i hear him say the wrong thing, its me and him no longer you and him...lol...I will say I worry about her...
My dads dating a Hispanic woman!!!!!To be honest I have no idea what to say about this. I will say that I am not surprised that he's dating a Hispanic woman, I am surprised that he is in fact dating. He's becoming himself again. I wish him the best of luck. I love my dad, wow I just said that. It's time that time changed anyway. I gotta say I'm kinda happy for him...
I don't know how to say this but I'm going to Florida. I am going to move up there after I finish college though. I'm gonna try and get some music off the ground out there. I know you think I'm prolly never going to come up there but I AM. I just got somethings to do before I do. New York is where I'd like to live and just live you know? I don't make promises often, and I try to keep it that way, but I promise you Imma come get you one day. Imma find a way to surprise yo ass! Lol
Sabrina I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and I don’t know where I’d be if you …yeah…I also what you to know is that no matter what happens. No matter where you go we looking at the same sky at night.
So how is everything? What's going on? How's New York?
-
Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr
Monday, September 27, 2010
Break-Even
Break Even
A lesson from this quarter past...Lesson on Breaking Even...
In business companies may have some areas that they are losing money. Breaking Even means the where revenue and the expenditures meet on a graph where no money is lost nor is it gained...
A song just came on about Breaking Even, relationship wise, by the script. Whom made a song called the man who can't be moved...
Here's where school and real life meet in my head...
Hearts do not break even. Nope not at all. Divorces are nastier. Luckily it wasn't a divorce...
She got over it much faster than you did...and that's okay...you took much more from that break up than she did...so what if it hurts you more or less...it doesn't matter...even if she cared a little bit would it really make any of this any easier? Actually no...you wanna say yes...but your biased...so fuck it...
It's time you took that huge heart breaking loss and learn from it. Might as well get a reward out of your pain...
moving on is strange...
Because everyone leaves behind something they once wanted...
Learn from it...and keep it as a lesson learned and a blessing...from what I hear china has a shortage of women...
-Hazey
A lesson from this quarter past...Lesson on Breaking Even...
In business companies may have some areas that they are losing money. Breaking Even means the where revenue and the expenditures meet on a graph where no money is lost nor is it gained...
A song just came on about Breaking Even, relationship wise, by the script. Whom made a song called the man who can't be moved...
Here's where school and real life meet in my head...
Hearts do not break even. Nope not at all. Divorces are nastier. Luckily it wasn't a divorce...
She got over it much faster than you did...and that's okay...you took much more from that break up than she did...so what if it hurts you more or less...it doesn't matter...even if she cared a little bit would it really make any of this any easier? Actually no...you wanna say yes...but your biased...so fuck it...
It's time you took that huge heart breaking loss and learn from it. Might as well get a reward out of your pain...
moving on is strange...
Because everyone leaves behind something they once wanted...
Learn from it...and keep it as a lesson learned and a blessing...from what I hear china has a shortage of women...
-Hazey
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A post on my recent thoughts
Recent thoughts....help me out I guess
The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...
Decisions...Decisions...
Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...
My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"
What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.
I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...
Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...
I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...
My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..
Good Night world...
-Hazey
The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...
Ga State
UCF- Central Florida
St. Johns- Long Island New York
St. Josephs- New York
CW Post- New York
Kennesaw State- Georgia
Dowely- New York
MIA- Florida
FAMU- Florida
Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...
My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"
What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.
I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...
Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...
I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...
"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down
Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around
When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,
And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest
I just really hope that
you’d think of me
you’d think of me
you’d think of me
I'm doin my thing
I'm doin my thing
I'm doin my thing
Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"
My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..
Good Night world...
-Hazey
Thursday, July 29, 2010
[Closer to my Dreams- Goapele]
So I'm back in school, I have three classes and one is online. It completely kills my plans to take a third on ground class and evening out my work week.I was originally planning on picking up my second job to help me move easier I will attain my Associates degree next quarter :). So next quarter I will be looking to finally transfer out of this damn place. I love Atlanta and my family and my roots being here. I need to leave tho...
I am ready in my mind to move away, i think. I believe I have pushed myself in the right direction with this whole plan of mine to move to another state. Its thrilling in both good and not so good ways. But I know thats exactly what I need tho, to run at full speed...
A bit more of good news, Its looking like they wont be laying me off. I'm not sure if I explained this but when I took my old job(from high school back) I signed a contract to work there for 5 months. I figured a job is better than no job. I took it and its paying okay I guess. I will say that I always kept that in the back of my mind to find a second job. Well as I explained earlier I am to get my associates degree in one quarter including this one. In order to graduate on time I need all 6 of my next classes for that to happen. I was only set up to have just two classes this term. I added on to make it 3 this quarter and 3 next quarter and be done right? So the two next classes i have to take in order but they are only online ARGGHH...
So this means I can not take the chance of working two jobs and having an online class at the same time as 2 on ground classes. To make it worse is the online class is the last half of the quarter, meanings its scheduled at the same time as mid-terms and finals along with final project and papers. So yeah my idea to have a second job got sliced. My job did however pick up a new account that would change my job from healthcare auditing to customer service for Wellcare the health insurance from Medicare, yeah government funded...
With that said a pay increase may come with it as of August 9th so if anything Lifes getting more interesting by the day...
As far as the home front goes my parents are around to the finalization of there divorce...Everything will be different come 9-29-2010...
My car runs better and better everyday :) love my fuckin car...it may not be the newer mustangs with more horses but she stands out on her own...lol
I've got another lonely weekend this weekend so look for posts...
-Hazey
I am ready in my mind to move away, i think. I believe I have pushed myself in the right direction with this whole plan of mine to move to another state. Its thrilling in both good and not so good ways. But I know thats exactly what I need tho, to run at full speed...
A bit more of good news, Its looking like they wont be laying me off. I'm not sure if I explained this but when I took my old job(from high school back) I signed a contract to work there for 5 months. I figured a job is better than no job. I took it and its paying okay I guess. I will say that I always kept that in the back of my mind to find a second job. Well as I explained earlier I am to get my associates degree in one quarter including this one. In order to graduate on time I need all 6 of my next classes for that to happen. I was only set up to have just two classes this term. I added on to make it 3 this quarter and 3 next quarter and be done right? So the two next classes i have to take in order but they are only online ARGGHH...
So this means I can not take the chance of working two jobs and having an online class at the same time as 2 on ground classes. To make it worse is the online class is the last half of the quarter, meanings its scheduled at the same time as mid-terms and finals along with final project and papers. So yeah my idea to have a second job got sliced. My job did however pick up a new account that would change my job from healthcare auditing to customer service for Wellcare the health insurance from Medicare, yeah government funded...
With that said a pay increase may come with it as of August 9th so if anything Lifes getting more interesting by the day...
As far as the home front goes my parents are around to the finalization of there divorce...Everything will be different come 9-29-2010...
My car runs better and better everyday :) love my fuckin car...it may not be the newer mustangs with more horses but she stands out on her own...lol
I've got another lonely weekend this weekend so look for posts...
-Hazey
Friday, July 9, 2010
To my best friend
To my very best friend,
"Your asleep...I know I show no real happiness or joy or even excitement that you are here. To be honest I've never been more content with life like I am now. I'm glad your here, I think to much I know. Today you asked me have you ever just felt content? You looked at me and said oh God your gonna say no lol. Honestly I am right now. I've missed you so much I'm in shock that your here..."
You left, and honestly I feel exactly like I did when you left the first time and second time, empty. I can't say you make me weak, I can't say you make me feel strong either. What I can say is you mean the world to me, I really don't know what I'd do without you in my life in someway. In some odd way you bring balance to my confusion, you puzzle me, you make me think and other occasions you make me stop thinking. Today is saturday and I'm up once again with no ability to sleep. I know butted heads while you were here, you were probably even happy to leave me here. What I'm trying to say is Sabrina when I look at you I see so very much yet have so very little to say and I miss the fuck outta you even if at the moment you don't miss me. I know one thing for sure about my life and the direction it's going it I know nothing else, I NEED YOU in it.
I saw Alex on Thursday the day you left, she looked at me and said you look like nothing in the world matters. Honest to God, seeing you go wasn't something I could turn around and watch, that whole day I was mad you left so soon. I know I'll see you again though, this time it's my turn hahaha, let me know what's going on with you and the possibility of a child. I love you and I miss you more than I could ever express in words or in person.
Love
Hassan
"Your asleep...I know I show no real happiness or joy or even excitement that you are here. To be honest I've never been more content with life like I am now. I'm glad your here, I think to much I know. Today you asked me have you ever just felt content? You looked at me and said oh God your gonna say no lol. Honestly I am right now. I've missed you so much I'm in shock that your here..."
You left, and honestly I feel exactly like I did when you left the first time and second time, empty. I can't say you make me weak, I can't say you make me feel strong either. What I can say is you mean the world to me, I really don't know what I'd do without you in my life in someway. In some odd way you bring balance to my confusion, you puzzle me, you make me think and other occasions you make me stop thinking. Today is saturday and I'm up once again with no ability to sleep. I know butted heads while you were here, you were probably even happy to leave me here. What I'm trying to say is Sabrina when I look at you I see so very much yet have so very little to say and I miss the fuck outta you even if at the moment you don't miss me. I know one thing for sure about my life and the direction it's going it I know nothing else, I NEED YOU in it.
I saw Alex on Thursday the day you left, she looked at me and said you look like nothing in the world matters. Honest to God, seeing you go wasn't something I could turn around and watch, that whole day I was mad you left so soon. I know I'll see you again though, this time it's my turn hahaha, let me know what's going on with you and the possibility of a child. I love you and I miss you more than I could ever express in words or in person.
Love
Hassan
Monday, May 24, 2010
Today was the day that I made the most crucial bond I've ever made. I chose to follow my dreams. The day I went back to the person he used to be. My mind is ready for this. I'm riding south to struggle even more, but shit I'm ready for it. I don't think I've ever been more confident in myself.
I told myself something today that opened my eyes to who the fuck I really am. I'm gonna miss out on alotta things. I'm gonna leave a place I've grown attached to. I will miss my Godsons birthdays and Ill miss weddings. The parties, the new places and cars everyone gets. I also can't put my life on hold while they live their lives. I may want to see this but I can't stay here. I'm gonna miss everyone but my life's calling...
Life is about making the life you want. I decided to do what I was born to do. Use my damn voice and my words. I've looked and honestly music is all I can see myself ever doing. There isn't anything I could ever do. My decision to take the path set before me long ago was a long and hard decision to make. I will say that not even can fight fate. God had a plan for me from the beginning Can't turn around now. Its time I faced my damn life for what it is gonna be :)
fucking awesome!
life is what you make it and the sooner I realized I always had the means to get where I wanna go.
Stay focused, stay hungry, trust God...
I want a family, I want a house, I want the whole dream not just a piece of it. I know that if I want it all I have to work hard for it to protect it, defend it, earn it, and make a way to achieve it.
My music playlist is looking like this right about now
Talking- Young Jeezy
Lights Please- J. Cole
Dollar and a Dream- J. Cole
Grown Simba- J. Cole
Trap or Die 2- Young Jeezy
Heartbreak Hotel- Game and Diddy
It's Been a Pleasure- Young Jeezy and Drake
Flight Double O- M.O.E.T.
Cut You Loose- M.O.E.T.
Fear- Drake
Shake- Game
Slanging Rocks- Game
Everything Red- Game, Lil Wanye, Birdman
I'm Back- T.I.
D.O. Wave- M.O.E.T.
Atlanta Zoo- Gucci Mane
This list will get bigger....
-Hazey
The Girl of My Dreams
You are the girl of my dreams
are you as good as you seem?
my hearts for you so baby hold it
so here girl- hold this
don't open your hand to another man
he'll break my heart if he can
protect my greatest fears if you can
my heart is all in your hands
but as your man please understand
everything within it is unique
I'm trusting you not to peak
keep my secrets underneath
of your words and what we speak
to my back is forever turned
so betrayal is never earned
to whom my secret revealed to you
no holding back here goes the truth
I don't think my heart could ever stand
you ever opening up your hand
I could never see you with another man
so my heart is within the seams
you are the girl of my dreams
-Hazey
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A step in the right direction
I wanna step into the unknown
not just being out on my own
but the journey that takes me there
you aimless travel, headed nowhere
but in your heart and soul directions in the air
you can smell it
you can feel it
like your hearts beat
or grass against your feet
steak in your teeth
staking your claim would be unique
uncharted territory
my lifes a new book I wanna read every story
blank pages, no pen but a lot of tales
the worlds against me but I know I will never fail
again, my back aint against the wind
forces of nature oppose me
but only God can mold me
things between the lines aren't always taken how they're supposed to be
so with a glance you judge and calibrate my level of perfection
I don't care what they say, I headed in the right direction...
-Hazey
Thursday, May 6, 2010
finding my words
acceptance....
lately ive been lost in rhythmic translation...
my words are with out rhyme or true meaning...
im not as happy...
reality is hitting me hard...
so here it goes...acceptance and reality...
I'm just trying to find my words...
fine dad ill admit it...
we're just alike...
i hate to admit these words...
its like im giving you power over me by saying them...
by admitting to them...
You are power hungry, any amount of ammo given is ammo used wisely in some respects...
I'm just like you...
I hate you, because I am ashamed of you in many ways...
I hate myself because every time I hear my name, walk, talk, act, I am nothing but a reflection of that which I hate. Christena's power doesn't come from her words. It comes from the fact that I always dished out how much I hate you and her words just showed me the truth. That I'm no better. My flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my arrogance, my ignorance, my pettiness, my shame all from you. To see it within the mirror breaks my heart because all my life I prided myself on being better than you. Being stronger than you. Being nothing like you. Just to have it shoved in my face that I am just as weak as you are. My 3-4 years of depression stems from these words...
The past few days I've literally spent in silence. My phone doesn't really ring, I don't get text messages really. I will say probably because no one cares.
The real me, the one separate from your image says they don't speak because they expect you to be doing what you do best, what you do.
All my life I've felt abnormal. I'm not strong enough, i'm not black enough, I'm not light enough, I'm not hood enough, I'm not macho enough,I'm not proud enough, I'm not good enough even in my own eyes...
When I was with Jessica, I always beat myself up inside because...I never felt good enough. Like I was never what she wanted, like I never measured up to not only her standards, her familys, her friends, most importantly her hearts image of what she wanted...
In the nut shell all ive ever wanted really was just to live a normal life. Be a normal kid. Live and let live. I wanna party and be young and irresponsible. I wanna know EVERY FUCKING BODY...I wanna be popular. I wanna be envied. I wanna be hated...I wanna be surrounded by complete strangers whom have an interest in me not my things...I wanna be the topic of discussion. I wanna be somebodies everything. I wanna mean something to some one out there. I wanna....BE...instead I am the opposite. I'm never content, Im always confused, I AM NEVER SATISFIED, and for some odd reason I always get over looked...
Today is a new day right? I have two God sons whom amaze me everyday. I have true friends who will always be there for me, a family who loves me and believes in me when I don't believe in myself, I have so much and I can not find contentment within that...to be honest I want a simple life really. I don't want stress, I want my life in my hands. I have so many fears, so many worries that I shouldnt have. I mean seriously I don't even believe that if I go to the school Ive always dreamed of going to that I will make a successful career at it. I feel like my words my talents, my story just isnt good enough. I didn't grow without but at the same time I didnt grow up with it all either. I'm confused on my direction as a whole. I've ran astray from the tracks long ago and just don't know if I can find my way back...
anyway this thought stemmed from these words, "Its okay if I never find anyone, its okay if the women before never loved me, its okay if I never reach my dreams, its okay if fail at everything, its okay if I fail at everything I do from here til the day I die, but what is not okay is never being happy..."
with much confusion I bid you all goodnight
-Hazey
lately ive been lost in rhythmic translation...
my words are with out rhyme or true meaning...
im not as happy...
reality is hitting me hard...
so here it goes...acceptance and reality...
I'm just trying to find my words...
fine dad ill admit it...
we're just alike...
i hate to admit these words...
its like im giving you power over me by saying them...
by admitting to them...
You are power hungry, any amount of ammo given is ammo used wisely in some respects...
I'm just like you...
I hate you, because I am ashamed of you in many ways...
I hate myself because every time I hear my name, walk, talk, act, I am nothing but a reflection of that which I hate. Christena's power doesn't come from her words. It comes from the fact that I always dished out how much I hate you and her words just showed me the truth. That I'm no better. My flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my arrogance, my ignorance, my pettiness, my shame all from you. To see it within the mirror breaks my heart because all my life I prided myself on being better than you. Being stronger than you. Being nothing like you. Just to have it shoved in my face that I am just as weak as you are. My 3-4 years of depression stems from these words...
The past few days I've literally spent in silence. My phone doesn't really ring, I don't get text messages really. I will say probably because no one cares.
The real me, the one separate from your image says they don't speak because they expect you to be doing what you do best, what you do.
All my life I've felt abnormal. I'm not strong enough, i'm not black enough, I'm not light enough, I'm not hood enough, I'm not macho enough,I'm not proud enough, I'm not good enough even in my own eyes...
When I was with Jessica, I always beat myself up inside because...I never felt good enough. Like I was never what she wanted, like I never measured up to not only her standards, her familys, her friends, most importantly her hearts image of what she wanted...
In the nut shell all ive ever wanted really was just to live a normal life. Be a normal kid. Live and let live. I wanna party and be young and irresponsible. I wanna know EVERY FUCKING BODY...I wanna be popular. I wanna be envied. I wanna be hated...I wanna be surrounded by complete strangers whom have an interest in me not my things...I wanna be the topic of discussion. I wanna be somebodies everything. I wanna mean something to some one out there. I wanna....BE...instead I am the opposite. I'm never content, Im always confused, I AM NEVER SATISFIED, and for some odd reason I always get over looked...
Today is a new day right? I have two God sons whom amaze me everyday. I have true friends who will always be there for me, a family who loves me and believes in me when I don't believe in myself, I have so much and I can not find contentment within that...to be honest I want a simple life really. I don't want stress, I want my life in my hands. I have so many fears, so many worries that I shouldnt have. I mean seriously I don't even believe that if I go to the school Ive always dreamed of going to that I will make a successful career at it. I feel like my words my talents, my story just isnt good enough. I didn't grow without but at the same time I didnt grow up with it all either. I'm confused on my direction as a whole. I've ran astray from the tracks long ago and just don't know if I can find my way back...
anyway this thought stemmed from these words, "Its okay if I never find anyone, its okay if the women before never loved me, its okay if I never reach my dreams, its okay if fail at everything, its okay if I fail at everything I do from here til the day I die, but what is not okay is never being happy..."
with much confusion I bid you all goodnight
-Hazey
Friday, April 30, 2010
Updates
Man most of you would slap me for even mentioning this shit on my blog if you knew the true in depth back ground behind all of this. *warning this is a very long post and I would love suggestions*
My bestfriends wedding...
He's marrying a woman I CANNOT STAND! Literally the reason me and him almost stopped being friends over. She's a bit of a whore and in my very own opinion, FUGLY! Like Hillbilly, busted teeth, dumber than to birds tryna kiss with no lips, with feet that look like they've been originally belonged to nomads who walked on glass. This is all my opinion by the way... Flash forward 2 years and three affairs with three or four men they had a kid. I love the kid but I step back because he looks like her but could never in a million years be denied by my best friend. She and him are now getting married. June **** 2010. Nevermind they broke up for about a two months where my best friend was the sole parent for their son. Now, I am far from perfect. But this individual brings drama in her wake every step of the way. Now after being broken up for two or so months. My home boy had to deal with her other ex boyfriend after getting back with her the very same day! When I say she ain't worth shit! I mean it. My best friend, I'm locked between a rock and hard place on this one, he's got what Katt Williams would call "Bitch-dependency", excuse me if I offend. He is attached to a woman whom, even he knows and admits he knows, is not worth it. What tops it off is he knows he can find better! Nonetheless, I fear he's about to make a mistake that will cast his son into a word of false family and discord as a fucking 11 month old baby. Now my best friend appears happy. Which everyone is at first but what I think is going to happen and I really hope doesn't. Is he gets married to her and figures out he made the wrong decision....
I'm a supportive best friend I always have been. I fight him, verbally and physically. I console him. I've watched his back since the day we met. He has always done the same in return. I'm at my wits end on this one though. I have to be there to watch make a mistake that I can not save him from. It bothers me because I know no one is perfect. I want him to be happy and all. I realize that is the mother of his child. But I know its going to be the hardest thing in the world to watch him marry a woman whose unworthy....
My next point!
Well you know what I think i've gone thru this already briefly but heres an overview.
Involved with chick whom deep down I don't have any feelings for. I like her, she cool, but there's nothing there. No desire not even lust. I told myself I wasn't going to do certain things with her and I still did. I feel guilty about everything I do with her in that light because I feel like there's no connection. No deeper meaning. No worth to it. It hurts me to say this. If she and I had done this a year ago it would have been a different story. I know I make her feel......worthless...I have to break this off without causing her any damage you know...I don't have the energy to devote to even being just a fuck buddy. Sad I know! I don't feel right when I'm with her. I value the friendship, she listens, she helps, shes funny, attractive, girl friend material but I can't make all jigsaw puzzle pieces fit...I wanna keep her around and all...shit she's good company a little crazy tho but its tolerable...shit "truth be told I'd rather be with her than alone"...but like I said earlier I can't force her to fit if my heart, mind, soul, and body won't accept...
My next point...
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SLEEPLESSNESS!
Everyday, day in day out 7 days a week...I can work out til my body gives out...I can spar until my vision is blurry and my arms feel like lead weights...regardless of what happens that day...I won't fall asleep until 3 am...
Next Point...
I have a job!..at my previous employer :[...I left that job because I hated that job. Now I'm back, literally I'm just going to reach a short term goal and "Shake"...
Next Point...
I saw the ex who defined my insecurities as a man, as a lover, as a multiracial individual, as an artist...Christena...I havent seen nor heard from her in almost a year...We had a fight and I told her to rot under her significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell...those exact words....lol...that and don't speak to me again because I won't reply...Yeah we aint cool still but we have to work together and possibly walk together at this bullshit wedding. Reason, christena is a childhood friend of the whore-to-be, i mean bride to be...o well...I have to plan a jack and jill bachelor/bachelorette party with her... I 'll explain my infuriating argument in a minute...So yeah now I have to speak to her for the time being...
Next Point...
The whore-to-be, has made it clear that the party must be together with no strippers, no dancers, no other women what so ever and no other men either... I argued with her for two hours about the significance of my best friends bachelor party...How it has nothing to do with her insecure ass and how it has nothing to do with the strippers, the beer, the embarrassing photos, none of that. It's literally the last time a man has to be with just his friends before his life changes. It is a celebration of mans bachelor years and celebration of the marriage to follow. But no this dumb whore has him by the balls that have no use and I can only get drunk now...o well...
Next point...
I'm feeling better everyday despite this bullshit listed above. Shit if it wasn't for everyone elses issues I wouldn't be able to look at my life and thank God it aint like theirs!
So yeah check out the previous poetry, got some good feedback on it, leave love!
!bezzy! (pronouced b-z)
-Hazey
My bestfriends wedding...
He's marrying a woman I CANNOT STAND! Literally the reason me and him almost stopped being friends over. She's a bit of a whore and in my very own opinion, FUGLY! Like Hillbilly, busted teeth, dumber than to birds tryna kiss with no lips, with feet that look like they've been originally belonged to nomads who walked on glass. This is all my opinion by the way... Flash forward 2 years and three affairs with three or four men they had a kid. I love the kid but I step back because he looks like her but could never in a million years be denied by my best friend. She and him are now getting married. June **** 2010. Nevermind they broke up for about a two months where my best friend was the sole parent for their son. Now, I am far from perfect. But this individual brings drama in her wake every step of the way. Now after being broken up for two or so months. My home boy had to deal with her other ex boyfriend after getting back with her the very same day! When I say she ain't worth shit! I mean it. My best friend, I'm locked between a rock and hard place on this one, he's got what Katt Williams would call "Bitch-dependency", excuse me if I offend. He is attached to a woman whom, even he knows and admits he knows, is not worth it. What tops it off is he knows he can find better! Nonetheless, I fear he's about to make a mistake that will cast his son into a word of false family and discord as a fucking 11 month old baby. Now my best friend appears happy. Which everyone is at first but what I think is going to happen and I really hope doesn't. Is he gets married to her and figures out he made the wrong decision....
I'm a supportive best friend I always have been. I fight him, verbally and physically. I console him. I've watched his back since the day we met. He has always done the same in return. I'm at my wits end on this one though. I have to be there to watch make a mistake that I can not save him from. It bothers me because I know no one is perfect. I want him to be happy and all. I realize that is the mother of his child. But I know its going to be the hardest thing in the world to watch him marry a woman whose unworthy....
My next point!
Well you know what I think i've gone thru this already briefly but heres an overview.
Involved with chick whom deep down I don't have any feelings for. I like her, she cool, but there's nothing there. No desire not even lust. I told myself I wasn't going to do certain things with her and I still did. I feel guilty about everything I do with her in that light because I feel like there's no connection. No deeper meaning. No worth to it. It hurts me to say this. If she and I had done this a year ago it would have been a different story. I know I make her feel......worthless...I have to break this off without causing her any damage you know...I don't have the energy to devote to even being just a fuck buddy. Sad I know! I don't feel right when I'm with her. I value the friendship, she listens, she helps, shes funny, attractive, girl friend material but I can't make all jigsaw puzzle pieces fit...I wanna keep her around and all...shit she's good company a little crazy tho but its tolerable...shit "truth be told I'd rather be with her than alone"...but like I said earlier I can't force her to fit if my heart, mind, soul, and body won't accept...
My next point...
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SLEEPLESSNESS!
Everyday, day in day out 7 days a week...I can work out til my body gives out...I can spar until my vision is blurry and my arms feel like lead weights...regardless of what happens that day...I won't fall asleep until 3 am...
Next Point...
I have a job!..at my previous employer :[...I left that job because I hated that job. Now I'm back, literally I'm just going to reach a short term goal and "Shake"...
Next Point...
I saw the ex who defined my insecurities as a man, as a lover, as a multiracial individual, as an artist...Christena...I havent seen nor heard from her in almost a year...We had a fight and I told her to rot under her significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell...those exact words....lol...that and don't speak to me again because I won't reply...Yeah we aint cool still but we have to work together and possibly walk together at this bullshit wedding. Reason, christena is a childhood friend of the whore-to-be, i mean bride to be...o well...I have to plan a jack and jill bachelor/bachelorette party with her... I 'll explain my infuriating argument in a minute...So yeah now I have to speak to her for the time being...
Next Point...
The whore-to-be, has made it clear that the party must be together with no strippers, no dancers, no other women what so ever and no other men either... I argued with her for two hours about the significance of my best friends bachelor party...How it has nothing to do with her insecure ass and how it has nothing to do with the strippers, the beer, the embarrassing photos, none of that. It's literally the last time a man has to be with just his friends before his life changes. It is a celebration of mans bachelor years and celebration of the marriage to follow. But no this dumb whore has him by the balls that have no use and I can only get drunk now...o well...
Next point...
I'm feeling better everyday despite this bullshit listed above. Shit if it wasn't for everyone elses issues I wouldn't be able to look at my life and thank God it aint like theirs!
So yeah check out the previous poetry, got some good feedback on it, leave love!
!bezzy! (pronouced b-z)
-Hazey
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