Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

What I had slapped in my face

I talked to you today
you gave me peace of mind
you gave me a reason to relax
you gave me the strength to pull myself together and get a hold of myself
you made me feel like a fool but it was well deserved
you are my best friend in the world and you mean so very much to me
I want to thank you
I've let you down a few times in the past and I tried my best to make up for that
You reminded me of who I am
You reminded me of how I am
You reminded me that I am strong, that I am strong in will
You reminded me that I need not hang my head in shame
You reminded me that I am FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'
You reminded me that we have a similar relationship to what is going on
and if ANYTHING, I should understand her more than anyone
You reminded me of what and how I used to be
a MAN
You reminded me of what I have always been like
and how I have let the rear view mirror steer me in a forward direction
You have never left my side Sabrina,
you broke my heart but you have always been there for me and I appreciate it
When I'm hardest on myself, you're always there to lend a helping hand in the ridicule lol
and for all its worth you will always have a tiny piece of my heart and that will never change
I won't lie I know you and I will always have each others back when times get hard
and that when its all said and done our kids will play together ( lol insider)
sometimes I feel so alone
I feel like I'm wandering
I feel like I'm wasting time
I feel like I'm not important to anyone
I feel like I'm just taking up space
and you remind me that if I die you're going to kill more bitches (lmfao)
Through the years I have seen our relationship go from friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends
and honestly it makes me smile from deep within
and it makes me understand everything even more so everyday
I can't wait to go out and club with you
and do everything we wanted to do so very long ago
it makes me smile
and I know that's how my woman feels for him
I know its a short lived thing and you remind me that I have nothing to worry about
she'll get past what she's feeling now
You reminded me of all that she has said to me and how it's what I need to believe
because she has done nothing to betray me
You reminded me of how I love and how I AM FAR FROM NEEDY
so yeah I miss you so very much
I can't wait to see you

[Freeze! don't change don't leave don't go, baby just Freeze!]

Baby I deserve

Maybe I Deserve- Tank

Oooh hey hey well well well
Do you mind if I tell the
truth for a second ya'll

Maybe I deserve
to wonder who's calling so damn late
For you to say im trippin
it's just a homie from
upstate (said it's just a
homie)
Dont he know it's 1:00 in the morning
you say it's cool baby it's cool

Baby I deserve
for you to say he's coming
into town ( later on this
evenin)
and he's just wondering if you
and him can hang out
I dont like it but I know I gotta trust you
It aint cool cause I know it's true

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

For you to put on a sexy dress
for me to ask you Who the hell
you trying to impress
for you to laugh it off
like it aint nothing
I know it's something Maybe just maybe

Maybe I deserve
to sit a home and wonder where you are
is he kissing you touching
you holding you what
Take a drink and help ease my mind
I wanna be mad after all those times
Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

for me to ask you where you been
Maybe I deserve
for you to say I better stop tripping
Maybe I deserve
To grab your neck until you let me know
Maybe I deserve
for you to run crying, crying out the door
Maybe I deserve
to grab my coat and chase
you down the street
Maybe I deserve
To say it aint you it's my own insecurity
Maybe I deserve
for you to say yes I cheated on you
Maybe I deserve
I wont care cause after all I put
you through I deserve
Maybe I deserve
I deserve yeah yeah yeah
To be mistreated sometimes
Maybe I deserve
to even be lied to sometimes
Maybe I deserve
Maybe you should go cheat on me
Maybe I deserve
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
Maybe I should sit and wait by the phone
Maybe I deserve
Cause I paged you about 3 or 4 times
Maybe I deserve
girl I know girl I know I
done put you through
Maybe I deserve
I done put you through hell
and I dont care
Maybe I deserve
and I dont care
and I deserve
see a man cant take another
man pleasing our woman
we cant even stand waiting by the phone
But we do the same shit


Damn ya'll I did it again :/