Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

2011 and hypocrisy

Lemme jus say this....and I don't usually go off unless provoked...hence the alter ego Oso

In order to get something you never had you must do something you've never done and its be 17 days into the new year and I am sick of hearing people say is 2011. Bitch I know what year it is...BTW this isn't addressed to one person, I'm a shotgun kinda man I'm sprayin everybody...So here is my list of DON'TS for the new year

1. Don't call your ex
1. an ex is an ex for a reason
2. Dont delete your facebook
1. this is not a life changing event
3. Don't say its 2011 after bringing up old shit and try to move on after the fact
1. nuff said
4. Don't act brand new(this goes for any year tho)
5. Don't make promises you can not keep
1. your word is all you have
6. Don't lead people on
1. liars never prosper
7. Don't be a smut
1. just don't be nasty, just cuz you can get it dont mean you should
8. Don't be the fool who fell for the same shit they fell for last year(hence number one)
1. dumbass
9. Don't say your making life changes just to delete your facebook and turn around in less than 6 months and make a new page
1. if you are a drama filled person deleting facebook wont eliminate the drama if anything you are doing the rest of the world a favor and savin us the hassle of reading about it
10. Don't be an asshole(this goes for me as well...lol)
1. be nicer, that is my new years resolution
11. Don't keep telling that same friend your going to hang out when you know good and damn well you aint gon chill with them, just be honest 
1. again liars don't prosper, just take the time to let the person know that you don't wanna chill with them definitely saves you the hassle of coming up with excuses...super duper utlra flexing ass nigga
12. finally if you are going to make life changes you DO NOT BRAG ABOUT IT!
1. I'm making changes to my life without flexin on the internet about it....if you are changing just change...you do not need moral support to change....

til next time

-Hazey

To the forgotten

To whom that may have forgotten

You have moved to another state. Found a new significant other. Basically began a new life with your own family. I ain't mad, shit in all honesty good for you cuz you were doing nothing but holding us back and holding yourself back. Even more. Now you are free to do whatever your heart pleases and be as irresponisble as you want to be.

First I'd like to thank you for teaching me distrust. That was probably the easiest thing for a young boy to learn about the people around him. Simple don't trust any of them and keep them away. So for many years that's all I ever did was keep people away. Second I wanna thank you for teaching me to pass judgement. Probably the third easiest thing for me to learn. Everyone is bad and wants to cause you harm. Pretty easy concept. Third I wanna thank you for teaching me the second easiest thing I've ever learned, that the first two applied to you. Your words are blades and your inheritly a bad person. My own flesh and blood...

Your other son could use some guidance. Your abscense in the crucial years can be the difference between life and death...I love him and I can't do it alone.
-Hazey


Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th

Ny

I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.

I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.

I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 15th

Lost in you

I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.

Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today

Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.

On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.

I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.

I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way

Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.

I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.

The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.

The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.

....damn

....

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 20th

The new year is coming

Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.

I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.

I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).

I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.

She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.

Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh

Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post

-Hazey

The book of Proverbs

Dear God

I needed this trip more than anything. Thank you so much for making this all possible.

-Hazey

PS Ive been reading, lately you've been using those closet to me to reach out to me. I still don't know what your message is but I'm determined to figure it out.

New Thoughts

Now that I am fully aware, I have new questions about going forward. I mean I knew I had issues before: deep trusting issues, constant reassurance, and some other odd ends. But now that I am fully aware of this*clears throat* disorder, what changes? How do I tell women this? I mean would any relationship ever work if I have this disorder? Can I continue to be successful if I can manage to get this under control? I'm confused about what happens now...

Now that I look back at things, the fights with loved ones, I can see that things weren't as they appeared in my eyes. All I can say now is, where to next? Can I have a relationship and it work? Is it possible? Or is it just going to be the same uphill battle? These thoughts are discouraging but not deal breakers...

Sent from my iPod
-Hazey

Im drunk

Im drunk if you read this

just call me...you know who you  are...

I feel like I'm reaching out to someone who feels it but is scared to reach back...

time has changed nothing...

time changes, so do people...

...I just really hope that you think of me, I just really hope that you think of me..

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

OUCH...6-26-10

Sorry for bringing this up...


honestly I feel like im crazy...is it crazy to just miss a person???


OUCH...6-26-10

From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time

I do not feel betrayed

I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)

Missing everything about you...

asking myself would I ever hear from you again...

asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...

asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...

I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?

at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...

so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...

*sigh*...damn...

-Hazey

*sigh*

It's 12:20 on a friday morning,

*sigh*

I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...

Saturday

My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.

Sunday

We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit


If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.

Monday

I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...

Tuesday

I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.

Wednesday

I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the corner...lol...my momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess

-Hazey

Why I don't need you apart of my life

Note to self...fuck Christena and Kim...their words are needed but the way they were stated wasn't...Don't ignore their words just take them with a grain of salt...And those who let bigotry out of their mouths limit themselves...I can't be hateful for what they said in addition...

"45 minutes roll by"

Damnit you see this is the reason I didn't want you in my life. Your words seem to stick to me...they replay and replay...and I can't get them out. I hated you before and still kinda do. When this is all over I just want things to go back to us not talking again. I don't want you in my life, like seriously.

Seriously they make me feel like I'm going no where with my life...Like I'm nothing...She makes me feel as though I have nothing to be proud of...Like what I've accomplished isn't worth anything...Like I've got to prove myself to her...This feeling, this very feeling at the pit of me is what bothers me most...it's deep, so very deep beneath the skin...

Its almost like her soul purpose in life is point out my mistakes...point every last flaw within my character...like your main goal when you are around me is to compare me to every last black person you have ever met....to disrespect my race as a whole...then personally disrespect me as an individual...you are poison...nothing more than hatred in the shape of a fat girl...you couldn't love a man of any race so you disrespect us to make yourself feel better...and to justify why you are gay...in all honesty you're so insecure and weak that without Kim you'd be on crack somewhere...

these can't be my words...

*5 minutes wander by*

When I rise above this, all of this negativity surrounding you, I'll make a statement through my actions that says more than your bigotry and hate ever could...People like that don't need to be apart of persons life...She's the reason I became so depressed in the beginning...Also she's the reason I better myself...

Yeah there's a damn good reason I said, "she could rot under their significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell." (updates)

"live, learn, let go...."

>>>[Be Somebody- Kings of Leon]<<<

-Hazey

My frustrations when it comes to you

Okay so I have to say I've kept you a bit of secret when it comes to my life so far. It seems as though at every turn I either feel guilty or feel like a complete asshole in regards to you. So heres to you

Ladies in Gentlemen I've entered theVoid once again....

Deep down I ask myself daily why are you in my life? Why did I decide to hang out with you back in January? Why do you scare me, not emotionally but in every other way? What is it about you that I don't want? What is it about you that I do? Why can't I just cast all these gut feelings deep within me and just do what ever and live for the moment?

I've got a few answers...

You and I are alike. So alike it scares me. I won't ever love you in reality you are the parts of me that I can't stand, that I hate, that I need to shed from the man I want to become.


You and I are alike. So alike it scares me. I will always love you in reality you are the parts of me that I stand for, that I love, that I could never lose and must keep in order to become the man I know I will become.

YOU....I...my heart won't allow myself to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Like you said I'm damaged... I know we are just friends and maybe thats what's so hard for me, never mind I drew the lines in the sand...I've crossed that line twice now maybe even three or more times if I truly think about things....

You bring out the portions of me that I know I need to change. You complain alot, which bothers me not, shit if it did I'd do something about it right? You bring out the piece of me that I call the demon. The beast within me that needs to be destoryed or at the least caged. You've called me the devil...to be honest no words have ever rang so violently in my head. You call me evil everyday, you want my affection which I give sparingly.

Lets be real here one day you and I will part ways and you'll find what you are truly looking for, and I pray you do. I ain't right for you, which I partly why I'm so distant. My signals of dismissal aren't to hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want make you feel what I feel. Yet everyday all I do is, well what it appears to me, make you feel exactly that.

You don't need this, you don't deserve this...I wish I didn't,__insert words that aren't pleasant or in the form of good will to my fellow (wo)man and other things__, everyone and everything I touch...

Growth is inevitable and change is a must, through God all things are possible...

-Hazey

self control

One day the world will actually know what I'm talking about

Dont get me wrong it did take two
the thing was it happened so fast
and all I could think about was yo ass
no I havent learned from the past
but at the end of the day it really wasnt you
self control is what I need,
I told myself I wouldn't is what I did, indeed
I'm a man I have needs but thats no excuse
your a woman with like desires too
we did a bad thing and I played my part
the consequences are far greater and I knew that before the start
better yet when I saw the spark...
got damnit this is what happens when my self control falls apart

-Hazey

Truth is

I've been waiting for something for so long. Truth is I'm still waiting...

"Truth is I'm not fully over it. I haven't fully moved on. Words can't express how deeply it hurts that I can't get in touch with you. No amount of words would suffice for the fact that I couldn't even get a Happy birthday from you. But what's worse is that I would forgive you in a heartbeat if you would just call me."

Words from the heart...These words sound like a woman's words to me. They don't sound like words that should come from a man's mouth in my mind. But then again they just did. Maybe that's the masculine side of my brain. I guess they are waiting for me to finally get over them, us, and everything that happened like it never happened. I think they want me to neither want nor ask for there friendship, or even acquaintanceship. I think that they even are waiting for the day that I stop waiting. I'm not sure but I don't really have a choice anyway right?

I know that deep down I don't like this hole in my life. I don't like this painful void within myself that I'm not sure will ever go away. I thought I had closure...I don't...I want something, words, a letter...something to make this feeling finally go away but all I'm left with is silence....

They once said,"...Silence says so much more..."

-Hazey

Mentally stuck

Lately my minds been, well kinda clogged. It doesn't want to move. There are things I wanna say but can't say them. Things I wanna feel but can't feel them. Things I'm dieing to do but can't do them.

Like I want a particular person, but I know I can't have them. Another person wants me but I know they can't have me. I want to have what I once had again, but I know I'm not anywhere near ready to feel any of that again. I wanna get my life back to where it was 6 months ago but I know I gotta be patient for all of this...

Problematic...got damnit...
this panic is a habit...
confused as a dude on shrooms...
mind spinning round the room...
the temper is rising...
and i'm still flying...
one day I'll come back to the ground...
but I'm soaring, please don't shoot me down...

-Hazey

Dear World

3/12/2010

Dear world

Dear world I gotta say I miss you
And everything that we went through
You are everything to me
Everyday giving me everything I need
More than just images and sounds to a beat
You were the hustle on my street
The love beneath my sheets
The poetry behind my speech
The awesome love in every single beat
Of my heart you were unique...
Dear world how I miss you
Understand that I'll never forget the things that we've been through
It's like I held the wheel you rode shotgun
To this day I'll never forget the songs you've sung
In my ears with sweet melodies
The height of your smile when the wind blew through your trees
When your mood changed it showed and danced in the leaves

Dear world you meant so much to me
Nothing and no one could ever replace you, you see
The universe has it's powers that be
But you and I can't be separated like the tide and the sea...
Dear world it's like you and I co-rule
Because even when you push I pull
The chemistry between is chaotic from the heart
Yet some how it's beauty is what creates that spark
Of flames in our veins that drives us to bend
Yet never break when it's more than we can take
Your grace is what creates women and men
And it's your soul that recreates what we seem to break...

-Hazey


*ladies and gentlemen if you don't know by now these are the songs that I'm listening to while writing*

>>>[ Yellow- Coldplay; Broken- lifehouse; Rewind-Paulo Nutini; Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer; Rehab- Rihanna; Beautiful- Eminem; Broken Wings- Joe Budden]<<<

The Lesson learned...

FUCK EVERYBODY! First of all, minus my awesome blog readers of COURSE!

I've learned my damn lesson. I am so tired of relying on ANYBODY FOR ANY DAMN THING!
FUCK THAT SHIT!

I have a few good friends that can help me out in the clutch but damnit waiting on people, expecting people to do right is not something I can ever do again. Shit I'm not perfect I fuck up, shit who doesn't, I may need help every now and then but for the most part I have never truly relied on anyone. Losing my car meant losing the most valuable thing possible to me. MY FUCKING I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-E.

The part that makes me the man I am. My voice, my ability, yes I can be lazy, yes I can foolish, I can be emotionally needy at times, but who isn't? Shit even dogs need to be patted on the head every now and then just to get on with their days. Today was the last straw for me. I've been outta work for a month tomorrow. I haven't driven a car since either. Its killing me inside. I now know what my EX truly meant about her independence.

At first my heart hurt over my car being totaled and no longer having a car. Then not having a job. Next not having any more money. But today sitting at home having no way to get where I need to go ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN has me at my boiling point. So its back to having my life in my own hands. Fuck this bull shit.

I have so much to do at school. So my plan was

• Get on MARTA get to school
• Speak with Dr. Ferguson
• Get student Accounts to sign my paperwork
• Scan a document needed for my police work class
• and mail my documents to the D.O.L.(department of labor)

But as we all know, Man makes plans and God Laughs...

No One Can get me to the TRAIN STATION!!!!!!!!!
I've since found a solution to my problem...
Sorry for venting on here but I had to...

Much Love
-HaZey

unsure

This post is called unsure for a good reason

Lately I've been, well I'll correct those words, for quite some time now(lol) I haven't been quite sure of a lot of things in my life.

• Like why am I subjected to situations that constantly make me hear a former lovers words and understanding the full meaning behind them?
• Why did I chose this major again?
• What did I do to deserve this, losing my car?[Apparently my mission here on earth isn't done because I'm still here]
• Why do I keep meeting dumb women?[lol]
• Or worse, why do I keep meeting women whom I can't have or that I shouldn't even want?
• Where do I go from here?

So to clarify for you, My most recent ex, she left a mark on me that I don't even believe she realizes how deep it was. The situations she was forced into I keep finding myself in her shoes in my day to day life, like someone's trying to make me see something. I know what I've said and what I thought and felt deep down, but what's the point of this lesson if she and I aren't well, lets just say somethings never come back. Edge of Desire by John Mayer is playing right now, "I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."

I hate police work, I've been in this major now for almost a year, I HATE IT. Its so fucking stupid, along with this school. So lets just say I'm going to do what I must to get the hell out. I'm still aiming for New York and/or Florida. I have plans but as they say people make plans while God laughs.

The accident has put me so far behind in my mind. Its made me dependent which I can't stand. I haven't truly needed anybody for a long time, I can't lie sometimes I made bad decisions that forced me to stick my hand out. I smoked everyday just to sleep. I quit for about two months and had such trouble sleeping. I was buying once a week to sustain me. I can't front it was a bad habit, but somethings gotta give when your minds forced to think under stronger gravity. Since the accident I've quit. The one thing I'm waiting for now is the ability to sleep normally, I still stay up to 3-4 am even if I'm tired. I wake up everyday at 8:30-45 ITS WEIRD!

Okay when I say dumb women I mean a woman who has the nerve to have a boyfriend at home, is going on a date with someone else while her man is at work and hits me up for sex. That kind of dumb. I think I've said enough on this subject.

Women I can't have, I'll save this subject for another day.

What now?
I got unemployment, I should be getting a car very very soon hahah yeah Ive been saying that for how long now? Anyway I'm just happy somethings giving slowly but surely somethings giving.

Have you ever felt like you and another person are doing the exact same thing to each other? Keeping up with someone else but with no words? Like you secretly check up on them regardless of what's going on in your life? Like they still matter to you but you say nothing making seem as though you don't care?

-Hazey

Grace

Today's sermon was about Grace. Not in a sense of figure skating or anything of that nature but Grace as in God making things right within you and around you. When we think of grace we think of Athletes and their ability to do what they have trained and practiced so hard to do. We think of peace amongst the chaos. The eye of the storm where all is still and calm.

I have a feeling this week will be rocky. I also feel it will be rewarding.

While in church today I came to grips with the fact with my feelings for my father. I am not mad anymore. I've let those things go, because I know its not my place to judge him. I am not his maker so it is not my job nor my duty to do such a thing. What I realized is that I am disappointed in him for things he had control over.

I know part of the reason I am where I am is through my own faults, as a man I have to take and correct my own faults. I ain't self righteous or anything. The sermon today mentioned to me that God can interfere with your life in a way that will put you where you belong. That HE/SHE will put you through hell to show you its time to change. The life you were living is not how you should be living.

So with that in my mind, I said to myself, HE/SHE took my car, my job, my peace of mind in reliance on my car to show me something. There's something he wants me to stop doing, someone to stop speaking to, someone or something I was doing wasn't what HE/SHE wanted me to be doing. I have a few people, a few habits, and a few patterns of thinking that I believe he wants me to change. Me losing my car, may have been the best medicine for me.

The Sermon also talked about direction and walks of life. The Rev. said its funny how we all have these goals, and plans, and meticulously detailed steps in life that we want and see ourselves doing with our lives. When what we may want to do with our lives may not be what HE/SHE wants us to do with our lives.

I'm so frustrated with everyone, everything, and the snails taking over my fish tank hahahah. So I have a Saints Symbol hanging from my neck, the Fleur d' Lis. I was told it represents Grace under Pressure. God knows I don't have an ounce in my body hahah. I am looking to find a new car this week, hopefully a mustang :-], I've wanted one since I was like 5 hhahaha which wasn't too long ago compared to some. Also I am looking into a new occupation of bar tending. Yeah, don't judge me hahaha.

So here are my goals for this week

• Purchase car, two door, between 95-2006 for about 2k(yeah craigslist is hilarious)
• Begin the job hunt again
• Rap up ALL final projects
• and somehow or another show some GRACE if things don't go my way...(i think one of my exes would agree with this damn line...hahah oh well old habits die hard even for them)

anyway pCe

-Hazey

2010 and whats to come

As many of you may know,
I am placing my ducks in line so that I can go off to school else where. With so much going on at home, I've honestly lost time to focus on anyone, anything, or anybody but my mom and brother. Christmas was awesome, I managed to save $300 to spend on them this year BY MY SELF :) and still be able to travel to north GA and south GA throughout the holidays without spending any of that saved money. I was proud of myself on that achievement. My money is starting to look right and my heart's full again.

Over the past few months I've been focusing on who is most important in my life, my FAM and FRIENDS. I have to say its probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Its been a long time since I've last been able to say this and know its here to stay, but...I'm happy with the way my life is. I mean sure yeah I'm single but honestly another person in my life right now is a bad idea. I've dated like 4-5 girls but I'm good without all that. My mother is dating now, well sorta, I think she likes this one guy and he's always talking to her but I'm hoping she doesn't get wrapped up. She's smart I have some faith in her abilities to not let things get too far.

Anyway I'm focused on school once more LIKE I always should be. During my somewhat of a break from life and all responsibilities itself moment I realized that I had been hoping for a chance to better myself and my situation(better job and move out) and I always had that chance sitting in front of me I just chose to ignore it. I realized that if I get myself together and get my mind focused I can do that while my dumb ass is in school! It took me two years after high school to realize that?! Yeah you can laugh at me if you want, I don't mind, I was pissed when I figured that one out anyway.

On another hand, Wonderland, Philipino, Salvy, and the other two which I won't name are out of the picture. THANK GOD! They were all, sorry to bash them but, kinda slow. Well wonderland was smart and the chemistry was there just she and I will never happen, well not any time soon I should say.

This poem underneath is what I've been conduring up to say to my mother when I do finally leave between april and july 2010.

I know it's been a while since Ive lasted posted to the world
so today I thought I'd start by thanking the most important girl
life has taken off for the both of us mama
and lil man is tryna come up and be a man
lookin at me 3-80s like imma oozi or llama, damn
yeah even though his daddy's gone
that didn't stop us having a fucking happy home
on christmas we went oh so crazy
on new years you even had a toast with ya babys
outside its always chilly or even blistering
walk inside and conversations are blooming, i hope your listening

I haven't written in a while, it wasn't supposed to be this way
I'm about to catch a flight and i think the tickets one way
just understand that in my heart both of you will stay
to be a man of creditability is what I'm striving to be some day
a man a of caliber in your eyes is something I want you say
and understand that you did your eldest son the right way
and losing faith in tomorrow is not an option for us
lil man is growing fast and to be a great for him is a must
its in his eyes I can see it he wants so much and to be it
it in which is a man of trust, a man of strength something we never had with us
I wanna leave and come back an example of how to live and how to be, not who it is we are without, but...

like you said mom its our year
I promise you no more sad nights wiping your tears
I got some goals to achieve and enemy's to slay
shooting down my fears and show the world I'm not here to play
I'm here to stand tall and mothafuckin ball
I may leave you soon but it aint forever, just know Imma always call
and when the seasons right we're gonna be a fam again thats my word
but for now its au revoir I gotta story to tell like they've neva heard
to pursue my dreams through whatever art form I can manifest in verbs
just know I gonna make you proud mama take that as my word....
-Hazey