2011 and hypocrisy

Lemme jus say this....and I don't usually go off unless provoked...hence the alter ego Oso

In order to get something you never had you must do something you've never done and its be 17 days into the new year and I am sick of hearing people say is 2011. Bitch I know what year it is...BTW this isn't addressed to one person, I'm a shotgun kinda man I'm sprayin everybody...So here is my list of DON'TS for the new year

1. Don't call your ex
1. an ex is an ex for a reason
2. Dont delete your facebook
1. this is not a life changing event
3. Don't say its 2011 after bringing up old shit and try to move on after the fact
1. nuff said
4. Don't act brand new(this goes for any year tho)
5. Don't make promises you can not keep
1. your word is all you have
6. Don't lead people on
1. liars never prosper
7. Don't be a smut
1. just don't be nasty, just cuz you can get it dont mean you should
8. Don't be the fool who fell for the same shit they fell for last year(hence number one)
1. dumbass
9. Don't say your making life changes just to delete your facebook and turn around in less than 6 months and make a new page
1. if you are a drama filled person deleting facebook wont eliminate the drama if anything you are doing the rest of the world a favor and savin us the hassle of reading about it
10. Don't be an asshole(this goes for me as well...lol)
1. be nicer, that is my new years resolution
11. Don't keep telling that same friend your going to hang out when you know good and damn well you aint gon chill with them, just be honest 
1. again liars don't prosper, just take the time to let the person know that you don't wanna chill with them definitely saves you the hassle of coming up with excuses...super duper utlra flexing ass nigga
12. finally if you are going to make life changes you DO NOT BRAG ABOUT IT!
1. I'm making changes to my life without flexin on the internet about it....if you are changing just change...you do not need moral support to change....

til next time

-Hazey

Dad and his damn voice...

You know without hesitation

I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...

This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.

I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?

Humph...

Yeah my thoughts exactly...

Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"

The fucked part is I never had answer...

When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....

I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and  most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...

As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?

Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again!  Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"

I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol

-Hazey 

Updates

Online classes have begun and Midterms are over...My new job at my old job, I actually like...It is challenging but I like a good challenge its a healthy one I will say...There are still talks of a raise which would be so FUCKING AWESOME :)...

I played another night of Beer Pong hahaha I miss Julian(this is a women btw) and Alan, Dre, everybody man...Hopefully I get to chill with Julian out in Orlando even though her and Alan broke up seeing them both would be cool...

Speaking of Women

I have a new person in my life that I can not say is significant but quite puzzling hahaha...Her Name is dubbed Ms. C not for confusing but that is her codename. Shes 28 as of wednesday no her name isn't dubbed Ms. C cuz she's a cougar HAHAHHAHAHAH....but I will say that she often tells me she feels like a cougar for asking me for my number...She constantly tells me I AM A BABY, yet continuously molests me for hours on end on her couch...puzzling right? She says we can't date because I'm so young yet says we've been on two dates already...none of this has she bothered to confirm with me...now every guy is like what are the real details...Short, 38DD, big butt redbone black girl...no kids, her own car, job, apartment...now my boys tell me thats a GO!!! Hit it and keep her on the team...But sadly I don't want her like that...I know that knowing her and going all the way will happen, me and her cant be just friends...especially since she came to me...not me to her...but its all good i keep my distance...she seems cool but she aint someone I want to keep around...i can tell she would be fun to keep around but my gut's telling me to keep it moving, something don't smell right...and no she doesn't stink...she smells kinda nice actually lol...but my gut says somethings not right sounds like a trap...lol...idk She said we should go to hilton head in your car ill pay for the trip, but we wont be having sex and thats it for one day...why do I run into crazy people??? my car has 150,000 miles on it, its a Ford...and why on earth would i commit to driving for 4 hour there and 4 hours back all in one day...she's paying right? NO she aint bout to kill me for looking at other women!!! 

***

A lady hit my fucking car this past week, minor dent really...im over it already...and I am now the manager of M.O.ET....moving to Orlando is becoming more and more apparent...I wish I knew what to say but I don't...other than I'm excited out my mind but at the same time scared my family is about to fall apart... 

My parents divorce has also be finalized...i guess my dads seeing someone lately, my mom is too...I wonder if in the future they look back on this and regret it? I will say that growing up I saw it coming but regret I could never see... 

Life is getting better and better everyday I guess...now if I can just keep it all together in my head maybe shit will make sense to me one day...

-Hazey

Spammer

SPAMMERS...As an artist I wanna be known as the "artist who actually wants to know who you are"if youre a fan I do actually want to get to know you...I mean if you a fan holla at me...I am approachable...I might even approach you...lol...anyway but if you wanna talk business, Talk To Me! ,the internet is not a place for the business man, sure there is business on the internet but the internet business isn't personal...As my enemy holla at me thats all I can say...if you anybody, a new homie, holla at me...anybody holla at me...and if you ask me about haters my reply will be I don't know of any...though I dont know anybody that I dont get to know so who are they?..I mean even if I make enemies, I will know them, I would not consider a hater as my enemy, thats belittling my enemy...They are strangers to me...If you are my enemy then you must be a certain caliber of person to be considered an enemy...I'm taking applications for those who wanna apply...lol

I am not on the internet, on this blog talking about what I wish to talk about its a release... not anything else so don't attempt sell me anything...


I use the internet for this...VVV and music, FB, email things of importance to me not you....
Call me nerd but this is cool...lol...the music isnt bad either

------>

-Hazey

2:30 am

why try to figure out what will never be discussed

what the fuck?

is everything I want something I must give up

switch up or change up

buck up or shut the fuck up

im lost man

and you can see it in my eyes

minds on the money, tho my hearts on the prize

with everything at stake its hard not to lose your pride

to fights

every night

of everything you've ever wanted

is what every celebrity has ever flaunted

the freedom, the access, not just money

boundless and open, bread water milk and honey

food of my dreams arent always what they seem

the bread is always green

and literally changes everything

the waters always cold but burns on the way down

milk is to soothe but even it soon turns brown

i gotta sweet tooth and that honey is a treat

sad part about is shes always a loose freak

-Hazey

I Miss That Feeling

I miss that feeling

The curves that corvettes never bested
A touch that made a man stronger
A smile that was all but lovingly familiar
A modest woman, but never appeared flat chested
A love that lingered and stung longer
Longer than any touch, nothing felt realer

Don't get me wrong it's finished
But I am a man who knows what he wants
And will take nothing lesser or diminished
A powerful love, incomparable to any other
I know how it feels, so i know it's real

It may sound silly, but I know what I want to feel
Life is short, beautiful, and dangerous
Why shouldn't the one I turn over to be just as furious?

-Hazey

Temptation

It seems as though I've stumbled on to a new problem. This kind of talk seems to follow me around from one woman to another.

"You make me wanna abandon my beliefs and fuck the hell outta you"

....it seems as though I am not a man, Adam, so to speak. Instead of being Adam to Eve, I am the apple.

Temptation, lust, desire, primitive urges...

I honestly at one point loved that feeling. The ability to destroy and break down any wall in my path set in front of me by a woman. Now I wonder if that same ability is my down fall?

I don't know but for now it appears to be a problem, that will undoubtedly be the same reason I am single, regardless of how many women I sleep with...

Like seriously its fine if you like being a shiny tool that causes people to do anything and everything to get it. The sad part is when they get it, is it worth it?

So far what I've found out, doesn't prove that it is...

My question is, what now?

just a question
-Hazey

********
Okay so I just posted this and now I'm revisiting this with a quick side note.
I have a saying, "Great to have not to keep." Meaning I'm not a bad person to date, just a not a man you wanna marry. I'm not crazy or anything lol. Seriously! I'm not lol. I just know that I'm kinda like crack. You love me and can't stop yourself from indulging. When you do finally get control of yourself, you can never relapse....

I seem to always get the same luck with women...oh well...anyway just a bit of background info for you

********

Forgiveness

Its 3:27 am on Sunday the 17th 2010,

Yesterday...this weekend...so far in this year...I've found a new puzzle to try and figure out. How do I forgive myself for my actions and how to put it behind me. For years now I've hated someone for their short comings, for their inability to be dependable, for their lack of understanding, for their uncanny ability to fuck up every last dream I've ever had. I winced and shook when people would speak of our similarities.

Today I admitted that the man before isn't perfect and that in many ways I am just like him. I will never be just like him but I seem to have made a very similar mistake. I held so much against him for being so controlling, untrustworthy, insecure, and childish. Now that I look back I see I was just like him.

Showing me I am all but clean. My hands under the correct lighting are stained...

"I know why I am where am I, through no faults of your own. I hope that one day you and I cross paths again. I hope that one day I can be that friend you once confided in. The one you believed would not write your secrets on a dagger and stab you with them. The friend who doesn't dig constantly. The one who doesn't need constant reassurance that you are there with them because you actually want to be there. The one who gives you the benefit of the doubt and expects nothing from you at all.

Life has always been hard on you. I wanted to be a person you could come to, to escape those stresses of the world. Instead I became a world of additional stresses that became hard to escape...

I know you've probably forgiven me long before this, at least I hope so. I hope that all this is far from being at the front of your mind. I hope this and all that happened is but merely a memory and a stepping stone to much better things to come. I also wanted to say I'm sorry for not realizing this when you showed me yourself. This maybe the furthest topic from your mind. You, however cross my mind every single day."
-Personal writings

Nuff said
-Hazey

Brown Eyes

Brown eyes

In a room of unfamiliar faces you were all but those words
Dressed to kill in heels and a sexy outfit, sex is your verb
Describing you to the feet is an understatement
Clearly you were the person to which I'd been waiting
To be seen on the scene by a set of brown eyes
Flirting from across the room I remember those thighs
Not from an encounter but from an interesting time
Back when you weren't so scarce to the phone line
Hitting me up about things and seeing how they going
You give me my first shot and the nights liquor kept pourin'
To me it's kinda funny how you eyed me down
Every move I made you seemed to follow with your brown
Brown eyes can't hide what's real
I look at you and see some of what you feel
A boriqua all day from the Bronx my way
She walked to me all smiles yet had nothing to say
Her eyes seemed like someone elses
Was this the booze or you? Swear on love I've never felt this
She was with her man I think that's why she didn't stray
Stuck to his hip but her mind was walking with me every step of the way
Can you believe I felt all that in 5 minutes and yet nothing held me back
I bounced and let her know, she told me to come back
And when I did something else was going round like flies
But even amongst the chaos all I saw was a pair of brown eyes...

-Hazey

Opening Pandora's Box

Opening Pandora's Box

A mistake I might add
Just by opening my mind
Allowing words to grace your drums
And drive your lovers mind mad
Why did I begin this time?
Why did I start this machines hum?
To see you squirm of course
Watch you shake and rattle some
While I am un-phased by your words
My mind won't stop asking why
Why, why, why did I open this?
For what reason did I really have in beginning this?
Hahahah man I finally get it
You see you were the box of misery
The dreadful case that caused me pain
Three years later after a full recovery
It is your peace of mind I came to claim
Revenge isn't my game nor dish
At least not to serve.
But sorry Pandora, in love one always gets what they deserve...

Case closed

-Hazey

PLEASE GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD

Sometimes, I'd like to wish
that not a thing has changed;
and your still, still right here
but time doesn't stay the same;
Please don't, ever forget the things we used to say
to me, they mean so much more today
because I wish I knew exactly what to say;
when I, when I see you

But instead my heart beats still
and everything, just seems to stop
but somehow you still move
through my chaos and memories
you are that constant peace
that tames my savage beast

This morning I woke up and you weren't there
how could you say that you ever cared

so now when I look at you
what it is that I'm supposed to say
that baby, i missed you
never leave and promise you'll stay
but I can't,...

-Hazey

A post from Nappy Headed Black Child

This is a post that I ran across today...idk you tell me what I am...lol

http://kumathree.blogspot.com/

"This is a very difficult discussion because frankly there are no good answers or solutions. but lets dive into this and see where we end up



So the one drop rule is ideology of white racial purity saying that even one drop of black blood makes you black. Now in my lifetime i have considered anyone w/ "black in them" as black particularly because we could relate to "american black urban subculture" <---very important distinction. Now as i am currently reconstructing my own consciousness i look at the "One Drop rule" and say fuck that. Why is the concept of what is black based of the exclusivity of whiteness. I reject that totally any concept of blackness that is dependent upon whiteness for definition my people are to great for that. but that then begs the question Who is black...and who isn't black. Thats a hell of a question to answer because of the cultural destruction that Africans in america have suffered at the hands of those of european decent. There are many of us who distinctly show our African heritage in our facial and body structure as well as our skin and hair. So quite frankly What do we do about the black/other non black people? Do they still count? I mean if are still under the working definition of the one drop rule they would be considered black...but since im rejecting that...where do they stand? Hard Question to answer. This becomes increasingly problematic when we look at it in terms of colorism. The term colorism usually refers to when lighter skin tones are preferred and darker skin is considered less desirable. No matter where i look in a music videos on tv advertisements rarely do i see a dark skinned black male or a dark skinned black female portrayed together. Generally its dark skinned male and lighter skinned female. Given the pervasiveness of eurocentric beauty standards there is a problem here. Rarely do u see Grace Jones/Alek Wek dark skinned beauty grace a screen w/ black dark skinned male. When talk about black people or people of african descent we are not appreciating the breadth of African beauty. How u gonna talk about black people and not highlight the BLACK woman. Let alone a Black Queen. These are questions...that don't have answers right now. But are definitely worth discussing. But at the moment i suppose its all about what you are claiming." posted by Isaac at 1:31 PM on Nov 19, 2009

HERE is my response to what he said


Blogger HaS the Turtle said...

i have to say i completely agree with you on that. I am a dark skinned male but my biological father isn't even black, but when you look at me the first thing you think is I am black. My mother is African American and My father is Native American. To be honest I have such an identity crisis sometimes because I don't act like a typical African American male, reason my father isn't African American...so what am I bi-racial? My outwardly appearance says other wise...


Honestly sometimes I feel like I am a black man but I just don't act like the typical one. Other times I feel as though I am not a black man I just appear to be one. I remember all through school I was called an oreo, you know black on the outside white on the inside. In some cases this was completely true. I mean if you don't exactly have an African American Male to model yourself after, can you in turn be an African American Male? I mean you can argue it all you want but can you really? I remember I used to feel really left out over this because my dad didn't have the same skin tone as me, he didn't have the exact same heritage as every other kid that looked like me. I felt like I really had to prove I was just another "Nigga" so to speak but as I grew up I realized I wasn't. I used to feel alienated from black people because they are partially my people but in a way not fully. It makes things difficult because as a teenager you have alot going on in your mind, body, and socially. I had to deal with this interesting dilemma. How can I call myself a black man, if the man that raised me, isn't a black man himself and wasn't raised by a black man either?

I wont lie I have struggled with this alot! I used to feel so awkward when I would date a black girl, or any girl for that matter because people have some sort of preconceived mold that you are supposed to fit. Well atleast here in the south. In all honesty I wasn't raised in a majority black neighborhood, I grew up around white kids, mexican kids, dominican kids, veitnamese kids, korean kids and mixed kids. Very few black kids, now many of you would say what about your mothers side of the family. Yes I knew them. Although I did not grow around my black cousins, nor did I grow up around my racial conondrum of family my father has. He kept me and my brother isolated really. He didn't really want us to be around my mothers family too much, yet at the same time he really didn't push to be around his side of the family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, who am I? I have had the hardest time trying to define myself as a person because I literally don't have much to stand on. I have an islamic name and I am a christian. My native american father grew up as a muslim in Chicago. My mother a southern baptist. I am a dark skinned brother who didn't grow up to be a typical black man. Its like one of my exes used to hurt me so badly when she would critisize me on some of the things I would do and say. WHY? Well her being a white woman who grew up in the south she had a precut image of what a black man is supposed to be, and I just didn't fit that image. I remember becoming gang affiliated because I wanted to just be a black kid, nothing more. Now I am on the verge of 20 and I literally don't know what to do or to say about what I am let alone who I am.

My younger brother on the other hand he just sees himself as a black kid, for now. Everyday I see him grasp the reality that he isn't like other black kids. I am literally waiting for him to ask me, how are we supposed to act? I mean we look black, well sorta. We aren't built the exact same as other black kids, i noticed that first! My facial structure is honestly quite funny looking to me. I'm trailing off topic. But hey these are my thoughts do with them what you will....

-Hazey

Destructive

Drestructive

<\3

Your gravity is overwhelmingly powerful
It seems like as hard as I push you just pull
Pull me closer and closer to what I can never truly have
The beautifully bright star that you are
What you are is destructive times a half
You became a black hole a long time ago
Pulling me into your world with your smile
Attracting me with your gaze like a moth to a flame
I won't lie a shiver goes up my spine when I hear your name
When you walk past my heart skips to a beat after a while
It's crazy because I wish you knew I existed atleast
Because for you I'd walk from here to the far east
Yes just me with my bare naked feet
Yet you still don't even see me
I wish I were injured or dying just for your attention
That sounds crazy even to me when I read this back and listen
But I always ask myself why does this blackhole pull me in?
She's doesn't even know I'm here, why give in?
She's destructive Hazey let her go some how
But my heart always says ,what if I wanted you here right now?


*dear reader now read it backwards*

-Hazey  

I helped her...and couldn't help it...

I helped her...and couldn't help it...

I will admit I feel kinda bad
And if he knew what I knew he'd be kinda mad
You know it goes kinda like this
He think about having her and kids
I think about piping her in the ribs
He come home to a plate of ribs
I just hopped outta her hips
While he workin double shifts
I'm putting the bone to her wish
To be on her back and flipped
Breaking in his new mattresses
As wrong as it is
she seems pleased
Told me otherwise
how she on her knees?
Beggin me for things
a thousand times over
I told her hold on while I flip the mattress over
Makes me kinda sick that he comes home to her kiss
Because 30 minutes ago I told her to catch this...

-Hazey

Case closed casket shut

Case closed and Casket shut...

Aight today I'm back again. I have two new stories! Yay right. Just to let you know I hate women becuz of this situation. Okay okay I will admit I kinda set myself up for this. 
As of today I wrapped two people. Salvy and a new person biter.
First lemme close the casket on Salvy, I came thru and saw you today right everything cool. I will admit you kinda had me interested to see what you were gonna do. I mean you aren't very smart. I can tell this just from when you open ya mouth and let anything fly out. I am really tryna see if you gonna do what you say you gonna do. *smh* this unintelligent bird, okay when I'm chillin or whatever ya mans comes outside while im chillin wit ya brotha. Why the fuck do you go inside the minute he comes outside and sits? Like you act funny when I'm around and shit. That tells me I need to bounce this bird is gonna start some bullshit. I chill wit her mans and her brotha and drink a brew. Everything is straight I leave. At this time I go and see my favorite lil boys Daniel and Andrew. Afterwards I go see Biter. I'll speak on her in a lil bit. After I chill wit biter I come back to the crib and you hittin me up saying you wanna talk. Now I'm no dumby I don't like that you tryna get in my car and leave with me in front of him. I say fuck that walk ya ass up the block. I told ya ass from the jump I do NOT want no drama. So laugh at this, this bird decides to drive her car five houses up the damn street! I'm thinking you a dumb bird and you want me to get involved and I refuse to. I have her park her car and get in my car. We drive to a parking lot and she begins to rant again! I'm thinking for someone who keeps saying she don't give a fuck no more you continue to talk to me about it. Like you want me to be the man to come save you. Then I say to her wow that's messed up, yeah I feel you, as she rants about this nigga. Honestly I could careless about ya drama with this guy. She tells me he's controlling and all this shit and I'm like you need to kick him out ya house period. She says he ain't got no where to go and all this shit. Then the dumb bird fucks up, she says she told him to get out and all this she even, listen for it, hit up his friend and told him to tell ya man to break up with you. Okay MIRA, if he has friends obviously he has someone down here! Anyway I tell her yo clear ya inbox. I don't want no damn drama. She says you acting paranoid and shit just take me home. I'm like that's what it is? Aight. I take her back. She starts textin me bullshit. Real talk I tell her why are you choosing to pick a fight with me? You ain't really mad at me. So I say ttyl she has to get the last word. I swear I'm done with dumb birds! You obviously want me to step in, and I refuse to, I knew this was drama so peace birdie, case closed casket shut.

Now on to biter. Hahah I gotta say this broad is...well she's...idk...biter is this mulatto chick from Louisiana I think. She however is very proper not ghetto but very crazy. She's odd, qwerky even, even homicidal, and I strangly like it. She's a petite lil thing but has really large...well boobs lol. Now I am not one to be easily swayed to do anything but since I knew her in high school why not go see her? She called me while I was visiting my favorite lil boys. She said we should chill I'm like cool. I drive all the way to perimeter to see this chick. It was cool we went on a sorta kinda date. It was funny she's entertaining but I have a feeling she's tryna snagg me. We eat and everything and literally this chick is like spoon feeding my mind with sexual thoughts. It's like she wants me to want her. We went out to dinner before and I told her I love Hispanic women and she was offended. She basically thinks I hate black women, NOT TRUE! I would date and marry a woman of any race or ethincity. After she basically frisks me the whole night and makes comments about how she copped made feels on me all night which I noticed. She makes a comment saying how I was gonna have me a Hispanic wife lol I said what makes you think i don't want you? Lol silly broad spent two hours finding an answer to my question after we goof off in walmart. She's called biter because at dinner she told me she likes to bite until the person bleeds! WTF!!! I call her when I get home and she decides to answer my question and says you don't want me becuase you don't want to settle for second place or second as good, to be honest that kinda hurt. But hey it's cool I told her I'd date you. She went silent...idk what that means but what it does make me realize is her case is closed for one reason. Instead of saying something when she had the chance she went silent and then proceeded to say she doesn't want to be second place. She literally thinks I hate black women?! That's some bullshit! So fuck it on to the next one! Case closed...

I have an interesting attraction to this particular woman whom I'm seeing this Wednesday...codename Wonderland. Till next time...women wanna be squirrels so I just give em my nuts...lol

-Hazey

My thought progression- exert from my personal notes and thoughts

Does anybody else see the mental progression of thoughts here????

There comes a point in everyones life when they have held back there words long enough. Seriously I've had enough. 
So here's to clearing my head of you...

I miss you, I do, I miss you a lot, but I've come to see that everything worked out for the best. You are happier, I barely hear from you, but I won't say anything to you because you are happy. I want to see you and hang out with you but I know better than to believe that I'll actually see you. I'm glad you are happy and doing your thing. I'm not mad, sad, bitter, or upset about anything. I know you probably feel like I'll never let somethings go. I already have. You just haven't spoken to me long enough to find out. I miss you but not in a romantic way. I miss the friend I made back when I first met you. Back when nobody would hang out with you really.
I remember you telling me about how the girls wouldn't so much as come get you at times when they got together. I didn't feel sorry for you, I actually liked you for YOU. I will admit I was slightly attracted but that was skin if you know what I mean. You were my friend, I liked that. I wish we could still be friends like we were and hang out, but I understand your busy with your friends and your family and work and school. So am I, but would it kill you to text me once in a while? You used to everyday, now I wouldn't know if a cake landed on your house and swallowed you whole.

I miss my friend Jessica that's all. It's like you break up with me but in reality you severed all ties to me. Is that what you truly meant? I remember saying to you everythings going back to the way it's was before me. Like I never even existed and honestly that's how I feel. 

The when I was with you, I was happy at first. Then I began to feel like nobody to you, you started getting mad at me for wanting to hang out with you like we always did, reason being is because your friends were calling to hang out more often. The whole deal with him, I'll leave alone because no matter how I explain it you'll never see it how I saw it. To be honest I don't care about that shit anyway.
 
I'm nobody to you now. It hurts because when you say "my friends" it's like I'm not one of them. I'm just some guy you dated for a little while and dumped. I'm literally nobody and honestly you hurt me in two ways. The first was that you moved on and I knew the day we ended everything. The second was the fact that everything that I believed had some common meaning to you and I was always looked over and forgotten. Like I meant nothing...

So there that's the ever lasting scar you left on me. This...this scar, makes me feel like I didn't even affect you. Like I was nothing more than a speck of dust on your shoulder. Like was nothing to get with and nothing to shake off and move on from. Although I will say the last three months were more than what I asked for...nevermind I don't even know why I typed this. You are happy and...and I want you to stay that way. No you don't call, or text, even respond normally for that matter, but I don't want you to start speaking to me out of guilt or because I said something about it. I'd much rather you spoke to me becuase you want to speak to me. Or hang out with me because you actually want to hang out with me, not because I opened my mouth. That would show that on some level I am somebody to you...

Bye,

-HaS

I gotta say Im not there at night. Who knows you may miss my phone calls...I'm not there you may miss riding in my car...I'm not there who knows, you might miss me showing up at your office...I'm not there who knows you might actually miss me at times...to be honest I would never know...you might still have that picture of me on your desk (I highly doubt it but hey)...I wouldn't know I'm not there I may have left a scar...if I did I hope it heals soon...I would never know, damn...I hope you do miss me on some level...but like I said I'm not there, I would never truly know...      

Sleeping Betty...lol

Call me weird but I enjoyed watching this, made me laugh...




-Hazey

I smiled again...

It's time to change. I think....I think I'm ready to face myself. I have been so busy keeping the world at bay of who I am and why I am the way I am. My life's most recent turn of events have changed me but only for the better. At first I used them as a crutch, today I realized I shouldn't that I wasn't being who my mother raised me to be. I can safely say that I'm ready to grow and be the man I should be. I'm so ready...I think and believe and feel that today, 10-29-2009, was a day that had me down and depressed, dear lord I felt so very lonely. I won't lie I missed having someone special in my life but I also realize why they aren't here and that if I want to ever find that person whom I can spend my time with other than friends then, I need to do me and be consistent about being me and remaining who I am through that relationship. I understand my flaws and this period in my life is about me preserving who it is that I am. I gotta say I believe I'm ready for trial and error, failing isn't an option but a lesson to be learned from so that I can come back and learn from it. :)

-Hazey