Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dad and his damn voice...

You know without hesitation

I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...

This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.

I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?

Humph...

Yeah my thoughts exactly...

Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"

The fucked part is I never had answer...

When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....

I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and  most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...

As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?

Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again!  Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"

I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol

-Hazey 

2 comments:

Alison said...

what i've learned - you gotta get outside yourself to see yourself. when i learn the most about who i am and what my passions are is when i really put myself out there.

Faith Carter said...

Ah, the ever-burning "Where do you want to be in ten years" question. I never knew that to do with that one either. I could say "I don't know" because I don't know what to do with my life. Or I could say something like, "Teaching, coaching, married with kids". But then I thought, why does this question even need a definite answer? Now I say "We'll see"- I don't want to limit myself to one thing, or dedicate my life to anything just yet. Instead I'm always trying new things, and going wherever life takes me. Why choose one place and stay put, when you could go anywhere in the world, at any given time? Your "passion" doesn't have to be one thing. Maybe it is to have a life that's always changing, and never gets to be old or routine. It is relieving to be 100% truthful, you'll never know what you want in life if you don't live it by your own standards.

20sb

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