Monday, November 30, 2009

Let it Out Monday's

I stumbled across this letter on Fai's Blog

Dear Friend,

I had trouble addressing you as "friend," since I don't really consider you that anymore. I'm sorry for that, but I just don't think that we are. I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong, because I know that I had a part in it. I'm sorry that I didn't handle things the right way when I did finally stick up for myself. And I'm really sorry that it took me so long to do so.

I do, however, think that there a few things that you should be sorry for as well. The list goes on and on, but I'm trying desperately to forgive you for all of it, so I will keep it short. I wish that you had apologized for all of the times that you tried to rob my joy. I wish that you would apologize for all of the times that you pretended you didn't see my frustration and my hurt when you manipulated me. I wish that you would apologize for all the times that, because of your many insecurities, you tried to make me insecure as well. I am happy to let you know that even now, it hasn't worked. Despite your hardest efforts, I haven't let you affect my confidence. I wish that even after I confronted you, and laid everything bare so that we could work it out, that you had actually listened, actually apologized for your fault in the situation (I don't claim all of it), and that we would have been able to reconcile.

I am really sorry that we haven't been able to be friends lately, and that I doubt that we will ever be again, but I don't regret distancing myself from you. It has been one of the best things that I have done for myself, and after 20 years of letting you walk all over me, I vow never to let you, or anyone else do that to me again. Thanks for teaching me that, it was obviously a lesson that I really needed to learn.



I needed that.

These words make a man think twice about the words he lets fly out of his mouth.
For instance today I sorta kinda told a woman off for letting some disrespectful words fly out her mouth about my BEST friend.

Now this person I have dated before, I'm starting to sound like a whore already, anyway I dates this girl before. I broke up with her because of a conflict of interest. She wanted a long term relationship and I didn't want to be in that type of relationship with her, to say. I liked her but I was just 16, I mean seriously. At that time she was about to turn 18, I also have a strange attraction to older women :/, anyhow, I broke up with her and that same day my BEST friend knocked on my door.

NOW I was living my life going through Gang affiliation and Drug related bullshit that I had no business getting involved in. I met some friends for LIFE by going through all of that. I have friends in jail,who doesn't right? I have lost friends, not from bullets but from them living a life I wasn't proud of myself living with them. I had a job during all of this shit. I've had friends being shot at. I've seen alotta coke deals. I've been in the damn room as people weighed weed, sold zannys, popped rolls, done triple Cs, robo trip, I've even purchased weed myself(as many of you know, BTW I QUIT that shit...). My BEST friend would take me to work on days my mom couldn't afford to. She would also pick me up there. I got her a job there with me. The woman that I broke up with also worked there. LITTLE DID I KNOW she had told everyone there that we dated and broke up and all this. I NEVER KNEW!

One of the managers hated me and I never knew why. Well I found out three years later. My life was hell at my previous job because I was in love with another woman in front of her. For three years she believed she was ugly and that I dumped her for my BEST friend.

When someone told me KARMA WAS A BITCH! Why didn't someone tell me it would come in such a strange way. I broke up with that girl three years ago in September. Three years later I hang out with her and she tells me how much I hurt her. The thing was I didn't mean to cause that much damage.

It is said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I learned that one the long way.

Now to what I said, even one of my boys from way back said I came off like an asshole about it.
I said to JB, " Sabrina..."

Salvy said, "You mean that white bitch?"

I snapped, " Look I'm only going to tell you once, don't talk shit about her in my face, I won't let anybody talk shit about you in front of my face and I damn sure ain't gonna let anybody talk shit about her in front of mine."

She said, "Damn its like that."

I could have said it better, but she also didn't have to get disrespectful with it either.

That note and that situation just made me think about the way I handle situations and the people close to me, especially my family and friends.

Take my words for what they are worth, do with them what you will.


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Opening Pandora's Box

Opening Pandora's Box

A mistake I might add
Just by opening my mind
Allowing words to grace your drums
And drive your lovers mind mad
Why did I begin this time?
Why did I start this machines hum?
To see you squirm of course
Watch you shake and rattle some
While I am un-phased by your words
My mind won't stop asking why
Why, why, why did I open this?
For what reason did I really have in beginning this?
Hahahah man I finally get it
You see you were the box of misery
The dreadful case that caused me pain
Three years later after a full recovery
It is your peace of mind I came to claim
Revenge isn't my game nor dish
At least not to serve.
But sorry Pandora, in love one always gets what they deserve...

Case closed


Movie Reel

Movie Reel - Written November 28th, 2009 4:10 am (honestly people I have Not slept in a week)

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my mind...

Memories play like old movie reels
Burning in and out all day
Often times replaying the same shit
The same kiss
The same words
The same smile
The same feelings, just as they were
They are comforting memories, well sometimes
Often times reminding you of how very alone we are on the inside
And many times reminding us of how lonely we are on the outside
They take you to a time and place
Back to a time when no one could wipe that smile off your face
You know that ONE moment that we all have that makes us feel special
Makes us feel Important, not only to our lives but to someone else's
For some it's utterly heartbreaking to even think about
For others it's something they can never think on
Let alone admit to themselves it's really over
While some pick up the pieces
Others leave them there and try to forget about them
As the reel begins to play at odd moments in your day to day life
You can't help but remember what every last moment ever felt like
Then the fucked up thought that it's never coming back crosses your heart
You thought you were confused before just living day to day, right?
Now imagine the depth of confusion you would have if you literally couldn't stop the reel from playing
Morning, noon, and night...?
Remembering every smile and every fight
Every phrase and every phone call before you sleep
Imagine knowing things were never what they seemed
Imagine seeing a sign of how wrong you were every SINGLE day?
With all that in mind, could you ever call?
Could you ever speak to that person again?
Could you ever stop the reel from playing?

Honestly I don't know,

For now I'm just tryna watch another movie...or at least finish the one that's playing...


Saturday, November 28, 2009

What do I say?

Today I read a message in my inbox on facebook. Now I'm not hurting, crying, sad, upset, distraught or anything of that nature. Not even so much as heart broken. Although the words do seem to bother me a little. She said to me:

I have no fuckin clue what your talkin about. I have not felt the say about you way befor he died that was just the last thing i could take. I hate to tell you this but i dont think that i every loved you. I was happy with you but i was no in love. ****** never left the picture hassan never once. There were just a months that ****** did not get to call me. I will always love ****** and i will always be with ******. Im engaged hassan, I never felt heartbreak with you hassan, i wanted to love you like you loved me then but i knew i coldnt so i became even more angery with you. I dont know what you wanted out off this but im sorry to make it clear. i never loved you.
Two things:

-they can not make a clear sentence.

-horrid spelling i mean seriously computers have spell check

On to my point, I will make it clear not once did I say I wanted this person or to be with this person, nor did I say I wanted this person back. They are trying to make it seem like I want them, I DO NOT! But seriously how do you just say that to someone?

and WHAT THE FUCK was I say back to them???


On to my next thought, it kind of makes me wonder if anybody else ever felt or feels this way? Not particularly towards me but towards anybody? If so why on earth would you say the final words, "I never loved you."?

I don't know fuck closed


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Dear Christena

Dear Christena

It's taken me almost three years to figure out what happened.  I guess I'm ready to tell you now. It was right after your grandfather passed away, me and you started talking as usual. I don't care what the fuck you have to say but Christena back then you did love me, you were just scared. Anyway it was a long day you and I hadn't spent much time together because I was grounded and couldn't stay out long. To he honest all I wanted was a little time with you. All you ever wanted to do was go your own way. It was one night where you said to me on the phone, " you felt like you were wearing the pants in the relationship." All of this was croc of bullshit, you felt that way because I wanted to be with you. You however were going through alot with the loss of your grandfather. That night on the phone I said something and I don't remember what but it hurt you. It hurt you alot. The next day you gave me a red note with the lyrics apologize on it. You had been calling Kim ever since.  

Since that day you and I were never able to be the same. I loved you christena, you loved me. My favorite memory with you has to be at your grandparents house. We'd sit in some room in think it was your grandfathers office or something like that. We'd watch tv and goof off. That's what happened. From there on out you hated me. You never knew why, I always did. From that day foreward you took ever ounce of who it was that I am and crushed it. You crushed myself esteem, my heart, my pride, and made fun of it. You destroyed me, it took me almost a year to realize the extent of the damage you caused me. 

Anyway you asked me this a year ago, here's your answer. I broke your heart.


Monday, November 23, 2009

O I miss it

Damn I won't lie I miss it

The love...
The passion...
The sensation I'd feel...
The smells...
The sound...
The pain we'd deal...
Your taste, your tongue..
Your breasts, your sweat...
Your warmth from your lungs...
My chests heart beat to your song...
Got damn it would last all night long...
Or mid day however babe...
I miss it...
The texture of your weather...
The moving of your....
Hahaha damn...
I miss it

>>>[ Sex With You- Marques Houston ]<<<


Sunday, November 22, 2009

On A Lighter Note

On a lighter note this weekend I decided to be the person I should always be and take care of the things that matter most to me. My Friends and Family! This weekend I decided to purchase some repair parts and fix the holes I've put into my have some anger issues and its getting cold I need to patch them damn holes. My mum's been nagging me about the window I punched out and the hole I put in the garage and come to think of it I need to patch the roof as well. :/ okay this sounds kinda bad like I have anger management issues but I will say the roof patching has nothing to do with my anger exertion thankfully. So I purchased some glass and a cutter, yeah that will be very interesting. I also purchased some new additions to the house.

Now we originally named them "A Pimp named Slick Back" & "Shaft" and of course an algae eater. I also purchased some plants that look really good and also seem to be doing really well. Before I introduced these lil guys to my fish tank I had some work to do. About a month ago I was at home alone for about 4 days. I decided that I wanted fish in the living room again so I needed to retart my fish tank. We once had fish in there and they were cool. My now absent father killed them and would periodically turn the filter off, add water and sometimes just get rid of fish without my knowledge.

*Okay people two things that you must know about me* If you don't know what the fuck you are doing...DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT! and two if I specifically tell you to just ask me what to do with MY THINGS! Heed my words!

My father decided to do neither! Not only has that man killed countless fish of mine but he also has contributed nothing to the maintenance, feeding, or purchasing of any equipment to put into said fish tank that hold approximately 15-20 gallons of water. Not only would he add water to this fish tank, but he would never tell that he added water to the tank. So when my fish would die I would be disappointed and think I can't keep anything alive. Well, folks just to inform you adding water to a fish tank or bowl for that matter without conditioning the fish or the water is harmful. Turning the filter off for days at a time can also be harmful.I told him this and would never heed my words so I've lost alotta fish over the years. SO when I noticed that he was doing his own thing with my fish I decided to see if I could in fact keep one single solitary fish alive.

I did, his name was Hendrx (pronounced Hendrix like the Guitarist :] ) HE was my first Beta fish that I ever kept in my room. He lived for about one year, sadly he died back in July :[. He had what I liked to call a girl friend whom he lived with named Jaylyn. She lived for about 9 months and died back in June. Now many people say keep them separate except during mating. Well they were actually the exception to the rule for a while (Maybe there's a life lesson in this story after all) They fought but never to the death. They were cool they would swim to the side of the bowl where I would sleep because they were on my night stand. They would look at me regardless of what I was doing, be it sleeping, reading, on the phone, whatever. They were just fish but had their own personalities so to speak it was cool. These two fish lived just fine without my fathers unnecessary interventions! I think them living together however lead to there demise. I will say Hendrx seemed lonely after she died. It was strange to see that.

I have since bought another Beta to keep in my room. He is named Jayson. I think its best for him to live a solitary life for now. He's a lil cooky, he actually interacts more with me than I thought he would.

ANYWAY back to my original story. I have decided to rename my fish lol. The blue one is actually blue with purple stripes(Niko) and the yellow is actually Golden(Nino).

Before I brought them, the algae eater and the plants home, I boiled 75% of the water and let the filter run for about a month. I replaced all the gravel in the bottom and treated the water :). The fish seem happy and the plants are surviving unlike last time. So in lue of this adjustment at home I have redone the fish on my blogger. The Blue one Niko, the Yellow one Nino, and the redish one is Algae eater. I gotta name him. He wouldn't let me touch him or put him in the water he jumped out of the bag on is own and into the tank lol. I'll call him "Legs"

So heres my new fish tank.
The fish are called African Cichlids
Apparently they grow to be about 6 inches long...these lil guys are just a little over an inch.

If you ask me Niko likes to be seen!

anyway there's a life lesson in there somewhere, maybe you can point it out to me lol. I however would like say one of my favorite quotes "Look out the Window!..Life goes on..."



Saturday, November 21, 2009


"Sometimes I wish I knew what to say to make you come back. Yes as a man I will say it I fucked up a lot. I really do wish there was something that I truly knew and felt in my heart that you knew were true as well. I wish I had said what you wanted to hear and truly believed it. I wish I knew then and I wish I knew now. "


>>>[ Shadows and Regrets- Yellowcard ]<<<>
"Empty Apartment- Yellowcard"

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

This song has nothing to do really with the previous song...well it kinda just clearing my head of old thoughts that I need to just put out I always say take these words and do with them what you will...



Sometimes, I'd like to wish
that not a thing has changed;
and your still, still right here
but time doesn't stay the same;
Please don't, ever forget the things we used to say
to me, they mean so much more today
because I wish I knew exactly what to say;
when I, when I see you

But instead my heart beats still
and everything, just seems to stop
but somehow you still move
through my chaos and memories
you are that constant peace
that tames my savage beast

This morning I woke up and you weren't there
how could you say that you ever cared

so now when I look at you
what it is that I'm supposed to say
that baby, i missed you
never leave and promise you'll stay
but I can't,...


Thursday, November 19, 2009

A post from Nappy Headed Black Child

This is a post that I ran across today...idk you tell me what I

"This is a very difficult discussion because frankly there are no good answers or solutions. but lets dive into this and see where we end up

So the one drop rule is ideology of white racial purity saying that even one drop of black blood makes you black. Now in my lifetime i have considered anyone w/ "black in them" as black particularly because we could relate to "american black urban subculture" <---very important distinction. Now as i am currently reconstructing my own consciousness i look at the "One Drop rule" and say fuck that. Why is the concept of what is black based of the exclusivity of whiteness. I reject that totally any concept of blackness that is dependent upon whiteness for definition my people are to great for that. but that then begs the question Who is black...and who isn't black. Thats a hell of a question to answer because of the cultural destruction that Africans in america have suffered at the hands of those of european decent. There are many of us who distinctly show our African heritage in our facial and body structure as well as our skin and hair. So quite frankly What do we do about the black/other non black people? Do they still count? I mean if are still under the working definition of the one drop rule they would be considered black...but since im rejecting that...where do they stand? Hard Question to answer. This becomes increasingly problematic when we look at it in terms of colorism. The term colorism usually refers to when lighter skin tones are preferred and darker skin is considered less desirable. No matter where i look in a music videos on tv advertisements rarely do i see a dark skinned black male or a dark skinned black female portrayed together. Generally its dark skinned male and lighter skinned female. Given the pervasiveness of eurocentric beauty standards there is a problem here. Rarely do u see Grace Jones/Alek Wek dark skinned beauty grace a screen w/ black dark skinned male. When talk about black people or people of african descent we are not appreciating the breadth of African beauty. How u gonna talk about black people and not highlight the BLACK woman. Let alone a Black Queen. These are questions...that don't have answers right now. But are definitely worth discussing. But at the moment i suppose its all about what you are claiming." posted by Isaac at 1:31 PM on Nov 19, 2009

HERE is my response to what he said

Blogger HaS the Turtle said...

i have to say i completely agree with you on that. I am a dark skinned male but my biological father isn't even black, but when you look at me the first thing you think is I am black. My mother is African American and My father is Native American. To be honest I have such an identity crisis sometimes because I don't act like a typical African American male, reason my father isn't African what am I bi-racial? My outwardly appearance says other wise...

Honestly sometimes I feel like I am a black man but I just don't act like the typical one. Other times I feel as though I am not a black man I just appear to be one. I remember all through school I was called an oreo, you know black on the outside white on the inside. In some cases this was completely true. I mean if you don't exactly have an African American Male to model yourself after, can you in turn be an African American Male? I mean you can argue it all you want but can you really? I remember I used to feel really left out over this because my dad didn't have the same skin tone as me, he didn't have the exact same heritage as every other kid that looked like me. I felt like I really had to prove I was just another "Nigga" so to speak but as I grew up I realized I wasn't. I used to feel alienated from black people because they are partially my people but in a way not fully. It makes things difficult because as a teenager you have alot going on in your mind, body, and socially. I had to deal with this interesting dilemma. How can I call myself a black man, if the man that raised me, isn't a black man himself and wasn't raised by a black man either?

I wont lie I have struggled with this alot! I used to feel so awkward when I would date a black girl, or any girl for that matter because people have some sort of preconceived mold that you are supposed to fit. Well atleast here in the south. In all honesty I wasn't raised in a majority black neighborhood, I grew up around white kids, mexican kids, dominican kids, veitnamese kids, korean kids and mixed kids. Very few black kids, now many of you would say what about your mothers side of the family. Yes I knew them. Although I did not grow around my black cousins, nor did I grow up around my racial conondrum of family my father has. He kept me and my brother isolated really. He didn't really want us to be around my mothers family too much, yet at the same time he really didn't push to be around his side of the family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, who am I? I have had the hardest time trying to define myself as a person because I literally don't have much to stand on. I have an islamic name and I am a christian. My native american father grew up as a muslim in Chicago. My mother a southern baptist. I am a dark skinned brother who didn't grow up to be a typical black man. Its like one of my exes used to hurt me so badly when she would critisize me on some of the things I would do and say. WHY? Well her being a white woman who grew up in the south she had a precut image of what a black man is supposed to be, and I just didn't fit that image. I remember becoming gang affiliated because I wanted to just be a black kid, nothing more. Now I am on the verge of 20 and I literally don't know what to do or to say about what I am let alone who I am.

My younger brother on the other hand he just sees himself as a black kid, for now. Everyday I see him grasp the reality that he isn't like other black kids. I am literally waiting for him to ask me, how are we supposed to act? I mean we look black, well sorta. We aren't built the exact same as other black kids, i noticed that first! My facial structure is honestly quite funny looking to me. I'm trailing off topic. But hey these are my thoughts do with them what you will....


I like you and that's all I'm gonna say

I like you and that's all I'm gonna say...

I like you and that's all I'm gonna say
I made out with you today
Although you seemed puzzled and said you were holding back,
You still didn't refrain from kissing me back. 
You say you feel as though it won't work out.
I wonder if it's for the same reasons I have my doubts. 
We agreed to be buddies, like Musiq say 
I told you I liked you and that's all I'm gonna say. 
It's funny because in that two hours I forgot the time 
I was comfortable and smiling while your lips shaped with mine
You ask why I'm laughing, I say you make me smile
You laugh back and say that's good
I tell you that's great because I won't lie it's been awhile
I stare you in the eyes and see a bit of comfort
You staring back at me, I literally forget we aren't lovers
For something that won't last it feels great this way 
I like you and that's all I'm gonna say. 

*read forward and backward ( backward meaning starting from the bottom)*


Tuesday, November 17, 2009




Your gravity is overwhelmingly powerful
It seems like as hard as I push you just pull
Pull me closer and closer to what I can never truly have
The beautifully bright star that you are
What you are is destructive times a half
You became a black hole a long time ago
Pulling me into your world with your smile
Attracting me with your gaze like a moth to a flame
I won't lie a shiver goes up my spine when I hear your name
When you walk past my heart skips to a beat after a while
It's crazy because I wish you knew I existed atleast
Because for you I'd walk from here to the far east
Yes just me with my bare naked feet
Yet you still don't even see me
I wish I were injured or dying just for your attention
That sounds crazy even to me when I read this back and listen
But I always ask myself why does this blackhole pull me in?
She's doesn't even know I'm here, why give in?
She's destructive Hazey let her go some how
But my heart always says ,what if I wanted you here right now?

*dear reader now read it backwards*


Monday, November 16, 2009

Mi corazon and my strength

Mi corazon and my strength

A dia I learned the wounds I have may never truly heal. Quite honestly because my heart is just wanting answers to the questions I will never have answered. I have no focus, I'm scared, I'm not as confident as I once was. I have truly fallen to a place I'm not sure that I can ever get back up from. I have so many thoughts that cross my mind in a day it's weird. I'm sure other people feel the same way, I'm not trying to say my problems are any bigger or more complex than anyone elses. I will admit that I do need some help. I can't do it all on my own. I want so very much to be self-reliant. As I listen to yellowcard my heart kind of feels like I'm not alone. I know of other people out there like me, lost in need of some kind of breakthrough. I can't focus on anything still. I still find myself making excuses, and honestly I know I'm better than that, I know I don't have to make excuses. I'm just scared...I'm scared of failing. I've had my dreams shattered like so many people out there. I don't hope for much, I rarely get excited anymore. To be honest I've literally forgotten how to just be happy. I don't smile often, I'm normally alone, I want so much more out of my life but I'm so very afraid. You know yesterday I heard my lil brother say to me "When I think of a strong man I've always thought of you, not dad. I never have thought he could protect us, I always thought you could." You know what ladies and gentlemen. I found my strength...

Thanks lil man :,)


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dream Killer

Dream killer

Chest rises and falls
As the wind blows
The birds call
My mind slows
As the tree blows
See my dreams leave
While the blood flows
All down the street
It's kinda crazy man
How I pulled the trigga
Leaving the chamber and,
Enterin my nigga
Kinda strange he looked like me
Just before he fell
Damn man he fell right to his knees
His life went from heaven to hell
I swear I couldn't tell
That, that was my dream
It looked so familiar, to me
But when I pulled it didn't seem
Or at least appear to be
That it was at one point apart of me...


I helped her...and couldn't help it...

I helped her...and couldn't help it...

I will admit I feel kinda bad
And if he knew what I knew he'd be kinda mad
You know it goes kinda like this
He think about having her and kids
I think about piping her in the ribs
He come home to a plate of ribs
I just hopped outta her hips
While he workin double shifts
I'm putting the bone to her wish
To be on her back and flipped
Breaking in his new mattresses
As wrong as it is
she seems pleased
Told me otherwise
how she on her knees?
Beggin me for things
a thousand times over
I told her hold on while I flip the mattress over
Makes me kinda sick that he comes home to her kiss
Because 30 minutes ago I told her to catch this...



"Wonderland"- written November 14th 2009

I want to wonder but I can't allow it
My dreams have been shattered before
And I'm not sure if I can trounce this
My body has questions more than ever before
Like what's your body feel like with mine
Can I have you closely or can I be yours
For a long time not just a year, try nine
Better yet if it feels right why not all the time
Ever since I met you I could never quite grasp you
Not phyiscally but mentally and spiritually
Like I can't explain why I'm drawn to you
Almost like I knew you in a past life
Maybe then I knew what I wonder now
Maybe you were the missing pieces in my life
You weren't a mystery and I wasn't...

See there I go, I told myself I can't! This isn't what I'm supposed to do. I gotta breathe and get my focus back. School and my passion, that's my destined path...but sometimes I wonder if you are somehow intertwined in that...



Thursday, November 12, 2009

A Better Understanding

Better Understanding

"I have other people in my life that I have to pay attention to more than you, don't think that I don't think about you just because I'm not texting you and calling you."

Jeez I get it now. I really do...the past few days this dumb bird been blowin my shit up and tripping, if I don't answer right away or come chill or anything like that you know. I will say this to clear up any misconceptions, when I do think of this person however it's never really a good thought. It's more like complete and utter aggravation, hahaha. So today I really got the message...

Not in the same exact situation but rather close I would say. The bird makes me feel bad for many reasons. I do not like her nor am I dating her but she's clinging sorta, it's weird cuz she's weird. I'm cutting her loose and all but this ending situation made me think of these words, who said them to me, and why they said them to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry, you know exactly who you are...all I can say is I'm deeply sorry for many things that have come to light about myself in the past few months. I realize the way you precieve my actions and the way that I truly mean them. I gotta say that was always a problem. Misunderstandings...

Like I was saying today I got a dose of my own stupidity and my own faults. It's far too late to ever get the opportunity to ever correct them but I would like to let that person know how deeply sorry I am, for everything. From ungratefulness to plain mistrust I swear it bothers me to think I thought so little of a person I said I loved and cared so much about. Anyway that's a little bit of what's left of my remains called a heart. Til next time..


PS btw I hope that you (and you know who you are) don't think that everytime I hit you up it's for something. It's not like that I just don't want to interrupt your life and all with my nonsense, you gotta remember I'm nothing but trouble lol.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mothers Wisdom

"There will never be another Hassan Sr...Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father become a crutch..."

I have to say over the past two months I have become closer to my mother than I have ever felt in my life. To be honest, I secretly like our nightly conversations on life, family, money, dreams, goals, and the most popular nowadays is where we all are now. I can also tell she likes our conversations as well, hahah I remember one night I came home high and she was expecting another one of our talks but instead I went in my room and shut the door. She didn't mean to but she kind of slammed hers as well. Not only did it blow my high in a good way but it made me smile. ODD? YES, but heartwarming nonetheless. Its my mother we're talking about here people don't get all weird on me. I noticed she wanted to talk but my mother isn't one to come and talk to you she just isn't that way. She's stronger than that, unlike my father. My mother is the kind of woman who if you want to talk to her fine call her, text her, talk to her, whatever but it wont hurt her feelings none if she don't hear from you. When that door slammed I realized something different. I came down in approximately 15 seconds flat and went and talked to her for about 2 hours on life in general. That night was like no other night we watch some tv and then she tells me what my father said and what she's thinking. Same old same old right? No today I said something to her that summed up everything have ever said about my father and my issues with him. I said to her,"I'm not mad at him, or even hate him, I have a problem with him because I can neither look up to him as my father and say gosh that's my dad nor can I say this is what my father taught me nor can I speak on his life. Through the 19 years of being around him I never learned what a good friend was. WHY? Quite simple he doesn't have any, he's afraid of the world and honestly that's what he tried to teach me. I refuse to fear the world. Of all the things he's attempt to teach me, or as I call it shove down my throat", none of them are useful to me. The one thing that he taught me that was of any use at all was when he showed how to change the oil in my car. That was the only thing in the 19 years of living and knowing this man that he has taught me and given me to work with. I don't look up to him, or even see him on the same level as me. Honestly most of the time I think I'm supposed to be so much better than him but when I fail I think I'm just like him. It hurts to know your father isn't someone you can look to for guidance in this world. I would like to think that he learned something growing up on the south side of Chicago, but when he talks to me its like he never did anything with his life. So when I did present a problem to him he could never solve it, so I learned on my own. Many people say at least you have one around, in my head or under my breathe I always say potatoes can sit around. I would always say out loud that you aint missing much just another person to yell at you." It was at that moment she paused and took all that in and she said to me, I know you fear that you are just like him...listen to me...are you listening? There will never ever be another Hassan Sr. Never. I know you want to get out there and be on your own and do all these things. You have time, you are young and yes you will make mistakes, yes you will try and sometimes you will not live up to your expectations but don't ever look at that failure and think you are just like him. Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father be a crutch in your life.

I kinda forgot why I was typing this...o well...that's my mum...
I gotta say that woman is crazy, strong, and Gangsta (literally she doesn't notice it but she puts G's on her sandwiches with the damn honey told her one day and she just stared at her sandwich in

Gotta Love Mum


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Bad moods

I gotta say bad moods suck. I find my bad moods tend to just bounce from one person to another yet never ever do they get taken out on my brother or mother. Its crazy, but anyway I need a break from financial burdens but I realize that may never happen. Life's a bitch and honestly I don't plan to wife her. I've been completely out of words, patience, energy, money(lol), time(to a point where niggas call me in my sleep and wake me up), but mostly I'm out of, well I wanna say direction but that's just not true, then again I wanna say wisdom but that's not something you can literally run out of, then on another tip I wanna say will. Yeah that's it. I am out of the WILL to deal with people in general. I think I'm cranky cuz of a lack of food, my damn uncle keeps eating all the food! Anyway another day begins in 29 minutes(its 11:31pm). I wanna sleep in but nope I must awake and drive my uncle to Kensington station then I off I go to work. When did my life head in this direction?

anyway good night world

if you don't know, to whom it may concern, this song is a clue to you that you crossed my mind...

>>>[A Little Bit- Lykke Li ft. Drake]<<<


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Case closed casket shut

Case closed and Casket shut...

Aight today I'm back again. I have two new stories! Yay right. Just to let you know I hate women becuz of this situation. Okay okay I will admit I kinda set myself up for this. 
As of today I wrapped two people. Salvy and a new person biter.
First lemme close the casket on Salvy, I came thru and saw you today right everything cool. I will admit you kinda had me interested to see what you were gonna do. I mean you aren't very smart. I can tell this just from when you open ya mouth and let anything fly out. I am really tryna see if you gonna do what you say you gonna do. *smh* this unintelligent bird, okay when I'm chillin or whatever ya mans comes outside while im chillin wit ya brotha. Why the fuck do you go inside the minute he comes outside and sits? Like you act funny when I'm around and shit. That tells me I need to bounce this bird is gonna start some bullshit. I chill wit her mans and her brotha and drink a brew. Everything is straight I leave. At this time I go and see my favorite lil boys Daniel and Andrew. Afterwards I go see Biter. I'll speak on her in a lil bit. After I chill wit biter I come back to the crib and you hittin me up saying you wanna talk. Now I'm no dumby I don't like that you tryna get in my car and leave with me in front of him. I say fuck that walk ya ass up the block. I told ya ass from the jump I do NOT want no drama. So laugh at this, this bird decides to drive her car five houses up the damn street! I'm thinking you a dumb bird and you want me to get involved and I refuse to. I have her park her car and get in my car. We drive to a parking lot and she begins to rant again! I'm thinking for someone who keeps saying she don't give a fuck no more you continue to talk to me about it. Like you want me to be the man to come save you. Then I say to her wow that's messed up, yeah I feel you, as she rants about this nigga. Honestly I could careless about ya drama with this guy. She tells me he's controlling and all this shit and I'm like you need to kick him out ya house period. She says he ain't got no where to go and all this shit. Then the dumb bird fucks up, she says she told him to get out and all this she even, listen for it, hit up his friend and told him to tell ya man to break up with you. Okay MIRA, if he has friends obviously he has someone down here! Anyway I tell her yo clear ya inbox. I don't want no damn drama. She says you acting paranoid and shit just take me home. I'm like that's what it is? Aight. I take her back. She starts textin me bullshit. Real talk I tell her why are you choosing to pick a fight with me? You ain't really mad at me. So I say ttyl she has to get the last word. I swear I'm done with dumb birds! You obviously want me to step in, and I refuse to, I knew this was drama so peace birdie, case closed casket shut.

Now on to biter. Hahah I gotta say this broad is...well she's...idk...biter is this mulatto chick from Louisiana I think. She however is very proper not ghetto but very crazy. She's odd, qwerky even, even homicidal, and I strangly like it. She's a petite lil thing but has really large...well boobs lol. Now I am not one to be easily swayed to do anything but since I knew her in high school why not go see her? She called me while I was visiting my favorite lil boys. She said we should chill I'm like cool. I drive all the way to perimeter to see this chick. It was cool we went on a sorta kinda date. It was funny she's entertaining but I have a feeling she's tryna snagg me. We eat and everything and literally this chick is like spoon feeding my mind with sexual thoughts. It's like she wants me to want her. We went out to dinner before and I told her I love Hispanic women and she was offended. She basically thinks I hate black women, NOT TRUE! I would date and marry a woman of any race or ethincity. After she basically frisks me the whole night and makes comments about how she copped made feels on me all night which I noticed. She makes a comment saying how I was gonna have me a Hispanic wife lol I said what makes you think i don't want you? Lol silly broad spent two hours finding an answer to my question after we goof off in walmart. She's called biter because at dinner she told me she likes to bite until the person bleeds! WTF!!! I call her when I get home and she decides to answer my question and says you don't want me becuase you don't want to settle for second place or second as good, to be honest that kinda hurt. But hey it's cool I told her I'd date you. She went silent...idk what that means but what it does make me realize is her case is closed for one reason. Instead of saying something when she had the chance she went silent and then proceeded to say she doesn't want to be second place. She literally thinks I hate black women?! That's some bullshit! So fuck it on to the next one! Case closed...

I have an interesting attraction to this particular woman whom I'm seeing this Wednesday...codename Wonderland. Till next time...women wanna be squirrels so I just give em my


Friday, November 6, 2009

Idk what to call this...

What do you know about heartbreak?

Oh man she left you? Gotta say, your luck-e!
She coulda took your soul, instead just one beat
Your heart jump over, as it learned the truth
Living where you are, you just aren't satisfied
Longed eyed as they say, watching candy painted rides
Devils in ya mind, patiently waitin,
See hate in ya heart as world stops hatin',
You grow impatient, boredum is the sound
As mother says an idle mind is the devils playground
So you start drug abusing, watch the world sizzle
Memories all a blur, brain's a drowned match, sadly watch it fizzle
Meds in the cabinet, every night grab em
Don't think you're a druggy but you know you gotta have em
Prescription made high, new testimony
Funny thing to you is it never costs you much money
Addict behavior cuz a family pain, and low self esteem
Not all cuz a girl and her painful deeds
Heartbreak over dreams
Pills don't fix it, they say time heals all
But yet I'm still bleeding,
WHY can't I fix this?
Head seems to spin, as weed stops burning,
For my brain sakes it was yesterday I decided to stop smoking
Bitches on my nuts? Yeah, but I could give a fuck
Seems all the women here want is to be like squirrels
So I give em my nuts (haha)

Nuff said


>>>[Make Her Say- Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West & Common]<<<
>>>[Closer- Kings of Leon]<<<

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

You, are...the only exception...You, are...the only exception...You, are...the only exception...You, are...the only exception...

Maybe in my dreams I can love again

Maybe in my dreams
There is a lover never seen
Maybe in my dreams
Love isn't always what it seems
Maybe in my dreams
There is such a thing
As believing in another human being
Maybe in my dreams
Women aren't as ugly in their minds
Maybe in my dreams
There's a possibility of it all
Maybe in my dreams
I'll find a love that won't fall
Maybe in my dreams
My heart doesn't beat broken and holey
Maybe in my dreams
My heart ain't this lonely
Then again what I do when woke up?


Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Mom

The song playing on my page at the moment are the words from my mother. I gotta say she feels so much right now. Her heart is strong but I will say it does bleed. She doesn't want to do this alone but she has no choice.

Mom, this one I wrote just for you,
I understand you better than you may think I do.

Yes you have to be strong,
but who said strength means you are heartless?
Yes you have to stand on your own two feet,
but that doesn't mean you are tearless
Strength doesn't mean you don't cry
Strength doesn't mean you don't hurt
Strength doesn't mean you are fearless
Those who shed tears from their eyes
they are not weak, but merely tired from the work
Those who are strong bleed too, they aren't weak
No your tears are not anything less nor anything more
than words from your heart that your mouth dare not speak

-your son Jr

>>>[ Blame It On Me- Chrisette Michele]<<<

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Case Closed...

I just don't have the energy to sum up everything going on around me anymore. I swear lifes picking up for me finally, yet at the same time it's showing me the error of my old ways. Like one of my exs whom I will name salvy cuz she's salvadorian. She is engaged and honestly she wants to fuck me. Like her forehead had like a light up sign saying I need sex! Okay first of all I know salvys are fucking crazy. Second I'm not a fucked up nigga and Im grown I dont have time for games. Fa real she calls me up talking all this wild shit about her man and shit saying she's done with him and she wanna move on. But when I come thru he's sitting right next to you. So first off I already know you runnin game and I have no time for games. Second if he gave you a ring he has feelings for you meaning he'll probably come after me if he catch me and you at anything. Third I'm not sure if ur a dumb bird or anything but you seem like the type of shorty that wanna get caught or caught up in drama. That also I have no time for. Now I will say this as well shorty you ain't that bad (meaning she ain't that fine) so your not even worth this nigga coming after me over. So I told her I don't want no damn drama, I'm good, you and him need to work out whatever and when you and him are done with all this then maybe, but to be frank I most likely still won't because you are the type of woman who lies, cheats, and starts drama. Thank you case closed.

Now second Is a woman I will call  Philipino Okay ladies and gentlemen, she is just a friend and always has been. She knows people, alotta people! Why? Why you ask? Hahaha, her ass! Yes she has a very large ass that many brothas wanna fuck. Now when I first starting chilling with her she was okay not bright but smart enough not to get me into too much trouble. She's a big woman and honestly I am a man who has a pair of eyes. But just because I see you are bigger than most women doesn't count you out. What counts you out is what you let come out of ya mouth ( trust alot came out of and goes in to hers) I have dated a heavier set woman before and I didn't care really, size doesn't get me. The fucked part about this is that Philipino reminded me of the same woman I dated before. Now that didn't shoot her down but did play a factor. As time went on I learned that the dumb bird was just like my other ex. Pushy, overbearing, knowitall, and dare I say it...ha! I am, easy! Philipino was the type of girl to literally get drunk with a guy she just met and sleep with him that night. Okay that's just gross. I never decided to ask her how many times but her stories told me more than 10. So okay check this shit!
At one time while we were hanging out she had a socalled boyfriend. I laughed at this to her face because she just isn't girlfriend material not because of her weight but becuase she easy to sleep with. Now she was with this guy for a week. During this week span she had another guy eat her out and constantly grabbed my crotch. Not only did I feel uncomfortable but I also felt the need to get tested. Anyway he broke up with her within a week of being with her becuase we went to a house party and she spent the entire time with another guy. She also cock blocked me the several times as well. 
Ladies and gentlemen with all this said when she looks at me and says I can't believe you don't like you know what I know? I think you do! you all understand why I don't like her right? Okay cool not just me...when I told her I know what kind of person you are and we'd argue alot she said that sounds like an excuse...I told her I don't wanna be with you because I don't wanna be with some like you we'd argue too much that's not healthy and I don't think we should EVER be more than friends...she hung up and told me I killed all hopes and that she was moving on...she then proceeded to mess with an ex football closed... 
Also in the past few months I have managed to see my parents become divorced and see the true bitchness of my father. I gotta say that story is for tomorrow night! 



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