I had trouble addressing you as "friend," since I don't really consider you that anymore. I'm sorry for that, but I just don't think that we are. I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong, because I know that I had a part in it. I'm sorry that I didn't handle things the right way when I did finally stick up for myself. And I'm really sorry that it took me so long to do so.
I do, however, think that there a few things that you should be sorry for as well. The list goes on and on, but I'm trying desperately to forgive you for all of it, so I will keep it short. I wish that you had apologized for all of the times that you tried to rob my joy. I wish that you would apologize for all of the times that you pretended you didn't see my frustration and my hurt when you manipulated me. I wish that you would apologize for all the times that, because of your many insecurities, you tried to make me insecure as well. I am happy to let you know that even now, it hasn't worked. Despite your hardest efforts, I haven't let you affect my confidence. I wish that even after I confronted you, and laid everything bare so that we could work it out, that you had actually listened, actually apologized for your fault in the situation (I don't claim all of it), and that we would have been able to reconcile.
I am really sorry that we haven't been able to be friends lately, and that I doubt that we will ever be again, but I don't regret distancing myself from you. It has been one of the best things that I have done for myself, and after 20 years of letting you walk all over me, I vow never to let you, or anyone else do that to me again. Thanks for teaching me that, it was obviously a lesson that I really needed to learn.
I needed that.
These words make a man think twice about the words he lets fly out of his mouth.
For instance today I sorta kinda told a woman off for letting some disrespectful words fly out her mouth about my BEST friend.
Now this person I have dated before, I'm starting to sound like a whore already, anyway I dates this girl before. I broke up with her because of a conflict of interest. She wanted a long term relationship and I didn't want to be in that type of relationship with her, to say. I liked her but I was just 16, I mean seriously. At that time she was about to turn 18, I also have a strange attraction to older women :/, anyhow, I broke up with her and that same day my BEST friend knocked on my door.
NOW I was living my life going through Gang affiliation and Drug related bullshit that I had no business getting involved in. I met some friends for LIFE by going through all of that. I have friends in jail,who doesn't right? I have lost friends, not from bullets but from them living a life I wasn't proud of myself living with them. I had a job during all of this shit. I've had friends being shot at. I've seen alotta coke deals. I've been in the damn room as people weighed weed, sold zannys, popped rolls, done triple Cs, robo trip, I've even purchased weed myself(as many of you know, BTW I QUIT that shit...). My BEST friend would take me to work on days my mom couldn't afford to. She would also pick me up there. I got her a job there with me. The woman that I broke up with also worked there. LITTLE DID I KNOW she had told everyone there that we dated and broke up and all this. I NEVER KNEW!
One of the managers hated me and I never knew why. Well I found out three years later. My life was hell at my previous job because I was in love with another woman in front of her. For three years she believed she was ugly and that I dumped her for my BEST friend.
When someone told me KARMA WAS A BITCH! Why didn't someone tell me it would come in such a strange way. I broke up with that girl three years ago in September. Three years later I hang out with her and she tells me how much I hurt her. The thing was I didn't mean to cause that much damage.
It is said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I learned that one the long way.
Now to what I said, even one of my boys from way back said I came off like an asshole about it.
I said to JB, " Sabrina..."
Salvy said, "You mean that white bitch?"
I snapped, " Look I'm only going to tell you once, don't talk shit about her in my face, I won't let anybody talk shit about you in front of my face and I damn sure ain't gonna let anybody talk shit about her in front of mine."
She said, "Damn its like that."
I could have said it better, but she also didn't have to get disrespectful with it either.
That note and that situation just made me think about the way I handle situations and the people close to me, especially my family and friends.
Take my words for what they are worth, do with them what you will.