"There will never be another Hassan Sr...Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father become a crutch..."
I have to say over the past two months I have become closer to my mother than I have ever felt in my life. To be honest, I secretly like our nightly conversations on life, family, money, dreams, goals, and the most popular nowadays is where we all are now. I can also tell she likes our conversations as well, hahah I remember one night I came home high and she was expecting another one of our talks but instead I went in my room and shut the door. She didn't mean to but she kind of slammed hers as well. Not only did it blow my high in a good way but it made me smile. ODD? YES, but heartwarming nonetheless. Its my mother we're talking about here people don't get all weird on me. I noticed she wanted to talk but my mother isn't one to come and talk to you she just isn't that way. She's stronger than that, unlike my father. My mother is the kind of woman who if you want to talk to her fine call her, text her, talk to her, whatever but it wont hurt her feelings none if she don't hear from you. When that door slammed I realized something different. I came down in approximately 15 seconds flat and went and talked to her for about 2 hours on life in general. That night was like no other night we watch some tv and then she tells me what my father said and what she's thinking. Same old same old right? No today I said something to her that summed up everything have ever said about my father and my issues with him. I said to her,"I'm not mad at him, or even hate him, I have a problem with him because I can neither look up to him as my father and say gosh that's my dad nor can I say this is what my father taught me nor can I speak on his life. Through the 19 years of being around him I never learned what a good friend was. WHY? Quite simple he doesn't have any, he's afraid of the world and honestly that's what he tried to teach me. I refuse to fear the world. Of all the things he's attempt to teach me, or as I call it shove down my throat", none of them are useful to me. The one thing that he taught me that was of any use at all was when he showed how to change the oil in my car. That was the only thing in the 19 years of living and knowing this man that he has taught me and given me to work with. I don't look up to him, or even see him on the same level as me. Honestly most of the time I think I'm supposed to be so much better than him but when I fail I think I'm just like him. It hurts to know your father isn't someone you can look to for guidance in this world. I would like to think that he learned something growing up on the south side of Chicago, but when he talks to me its like he never did anything with his life. So when I did present a problem to him he could never solve it, so I learned on my own. Many people say at least you have one around, in my head or under my breathe I always say potatoes can sit around. I would always say out loud that you aint missing much just another person to yell at you." It was at that moment she paused and took all that in and she said to me, I know you fear that you are just like him...listen to me...are you listening? There will never ever be another Hassan Sr. Never. I know you want to get out there and be on your own and do all these things. You have time, you are young and yes you will make mistakes, yes you will try and sometimes you will not live up to your expectations but don't ever look at that failure and think you are just like him. Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father be a crutch in your life.
I kinda forgot why I was typing this...o well...that's my mum...
I gotta say that woman is crazy, strong, and Gangsta (literally she doesn't notice it but she puts G's on her sandwiches with the damn honey mustard...lol...i told her one day and she just stared at her sandwich in awe...lol)
Gotta Love Mum