Tuesday, March 30, 2010

the mini panic/ realization

So lifes been good just every still frustrating. School has started back up and everything, classes don't seem to crazy. No complaints really. JUST ONE.

Waiting for a check from the Department of labor is slowly killing me. I almost took my old job back. I even called around to see if I can get it back. Now, before you assume, no I won't be delivering again( i would never find insurance ) I'd be an assistant manager. I don't want that job. Its three times the stress for a 3 dollar pay increase...

Yesterday I was frustrated beyond belief over the fact that I still am not where I wanna be. To get where I wanna be I need a little money. I'm stubborn and an ass and refuse to ask for money from anyone. So I tried to develop a side hustle. It fell through and left me frustrated even more. I'm still working on the whole grace under pressure thing lol. I called my old job asked if I could still be an assistant manager, he told me to call the DM, he tells me reapply and call me back. I say okay.

My mom is looking at me like I got my head cut off or something when I told her. She said aren't you collecting unemployment? I said yeah but I don't want a hand out, I want my money that I earned. She says I'm trippin. LOL. Thats mum for ya right? So I even talk to some of my friends and they are all telling me to chill the hell out.

It was at this point I realized I don't handle dependency or even pressure that doesn't exist very well.


Any-who, I don't do much soul searching anymore. Its strange really. I have this friend and she is literally me as I was last year. Its kind of strange to see that. Like I hear myself saying things to her the way they were said to me, I didn't understand them then. I understand the true meaning and value of the words now. She over analyzes things, thinks FAR TOO MUCH, and dare I say it...na I won't. lol Anyway Its just funny to see how life, God, and Karma play out in life. Maybe its just me who sees it but hey its interesting to see myself within another person. What's even more interesting is knowing that it was and I was just a phase to someone else.

This is just a catch entry I'll return with more juicy stories later ;)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Like chocolates after taste
You are the lust after first base
The love below shows on your face
Glowing as bright as star dust in space
Eyes black holes who erase the past
Missing you is impossible the way it lasts
The way we laugh through the darkness
Your smile is as crooked as the apartments
Of Brooklyn, Chicago,or even Bowen homes
You are the apple of my lust when we're all alone...


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mentally stuck

Lately my minds been, well kinda clogged. It doesn't want to move. There are things I wanna say but can't say them. Things I wanna feel but can't feel them. Things I'm dieing to do but can't do them.

Like I want a particular person, but I know I can't have them. Another person wants me but I know they can't have me. I want to have what I once had again, but I know I'm not anywhere near ready to feel any of that again. I wanna get my life back to where it was 6 months ago but I know I gotta be patient for all of this...

Problematic...got damnit...
this panic is a habit...
confused as a dude on shrooms...
mind spinning round the room...
the temper is rising...
and i'm still flying...
one day I'll come back to the ground...
but I'm soaring, please don't shoot me down...


Sunday, March 21, 2010

song playing

song playing its real short songs not finished yet

...but real talk, it literally says it all...nuff said...

"...I believe in people like you..."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Just a few Updates

Feel free to leave a comment containing nothing but complete and utter laughter because even as I write this I'm laughing....

Ladies and Gentlemen I have finally found a car(my mom also got one too*shruggs*)

On Monday of this week I purchased my childhood dream car since I was like 6. When I was 6 my father bought me all kinds of things to accommodate his frequent absences, by the way it didn't help to much because when he was around he never wanted nor did he do anything but bitch and fuss, My family was a military family so I lived on Army bases or in towns near bases a lot. One of the many items I got was a yellow remote controlled car. It was a 95 mustang. To this day I still remember how cool it looked. Now 14 some odd years later I now own, with title, my very own 95 mustang 3.8L V6....lemme repeat that first part MUSTANG.

I love my car, nuff said. I think I'm gonna call her one of two things Bbz or DK. Bbz(pronounced bebez) just rolls off the tongue man. DK stands for Dark Knight for being black like the bat mobile and literally dark as NIGHT. What do you think?

She cost me $2300 not including the annoying pain in the ass things ive had to do to make her more awesome. On Tuesday I placed the rear struts.

Okay here's a good little story for you. To replace the struts on a car you have to relieve the pressure from the struts in order to remove them. Or else they will explode. Ladies and Gentlemen I knew I needed new struts but damn! When i attempted. to remove the struts they exploded on me anyway. The bolts on it were so old that the turned the nut they were attached to in unison. SO yeah I try to use bolt cutters, didn't work, I tried using penetrating liquid, didn't work I even tried clamping on end and spinning another, didn't work, I then had my neighbor; whom by the way I've lived across the street from going on about 4-5 years now and have never seen nor spoken to face to face before; to come helpe me remove this old bolt. Yeah he pulled out a fucking SAW and cut em off.



then didn't leave when the job was done just stood around with his saw in his hand as I removed the parts from my car and cleaned up. He was cool, minus the saw in hand and standing around creepily.

On wednesday I decided not to pull a DIY'er (do it yourself'er) I took it to midas to do my brakes because they made a weird pulling sensation in the rear. Yeah I did the struts right, the brakes however I don't fucks wit, lol. I waited their for about 4 hours. He replaced the rotors and checked everything else out for me as well.

So today ladies and gentlemen I am riding just fine. Perfect brakes, no sagging due to old struts. NADA. I fuck up and let the window down. It wont come back up. *PSSSHHH
I was like no sweat right it shouldn't be too hard to release the glass and pull it up right?? RIGHT? Wrong! I pratically wanted to shoot myself for that. So now I have a guy coming tomorrow to fix the window. Never mind that, heres the BEAUTIFUL PART ABOUT MY BELOVED CAR. I've put a radio in before not too too hard. Little did I know that the radio I have which pushes out more Wattage than the installed one the previous owner had in it, nope it blows the fuse to three, not one not two but three very important gages.

Now thank God its just a fuse, but man has it been tough so far. Rewarding! but tough. Today while heading to get my uncle from the train station going God knows how fast on the highway, and I mean that literally. I looked down and noticed my speedometer isn't working, my odometer is moving and my clock is off. So now I have no stereo, no milage, no speed reading, and I'm passing a police station and jail...

yeah...i bought fuses but this week has been tiresome.

much love to you all man


PS. if you can tell me Lucy is behind Bbz/DK in the garage :/

have a blessed weekend!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Your Charm

Your charm

Believe me it's not that I don't want to
It's not even so much that I don't want you
It's the fact that I know it's not you
I know better than to believe that this is true
Your heart seems sincere
And believe that in you is what i revere 
But I know my heart can never be yours
These words are gonna hurt or even worse
This isn't something i can do easily 
So sweety please believe me
But this has to end where it begins
It's sad that it's just begun and comes to an end
Just friends is something I can remain true
But I just can't allow myself to ever love the real you

Your kisses are luring
Your love is reassuring
It's not your ways
It's not your waist
It's not your face
But everytime I kiss you
Everytime I miss you
All the times i hold you
I shape and mold you
To one day believe we could be
In my heart I have nothing but sympathy

Sympathy is that feeling you get when,
You know you understand more than them,
Or worse you know the position they are in...


Dear World

Dear world

Dear world I gotta say I miss you
And everything that we went through
You are everything to me
Everyday giving me everything I need
More than just images and sounds to a beat
You were the hustle on my street
The love beneath my sheets
The poetry behind my speech
The awesome love in every single beat
Of my heart you were unique...
Dear world how I miss you
Understand that I'll never forget the things that we've been through
It's like I held the wheel you rode shotgun
To this day I'll never forget the songs you've sung
In my ears with sweet melodies
The height of your smile when the wind blew through your trees
When your mood changed it showed and danced in the leaves

Dear world you meant so much to me
Nothing and no one could ever replace you, you see
The universe has it's powers that be
But you and I can't be separated like the tide and the sea...
Dear world it's like you and I co-rule
Because even when you push I pull
The chemistry between is chaotic from the heart
Yet some how it's beauty is what creates that spark
Of flames in our veins that drives us to bend
Yet never break when it's more than we can take
Your grace is what creates women and men
And it's your soul that recreates what we seem to break...


*ladies and gentlemen if you don't know by now these are the songs that I'm listening to while writing*

>>>[ Yellow- Coldplay; Broken- lifehouse; Rewind-Paulo Nutini; Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer; Rehab- Rihanna; Beautiful- Eminem; Broken Wings- Joe Budden]<<<

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Lesson learned...

FUCK EVERYBODY! First of all, minus my awesome blog readers of COURSE!

I've learned my damn lesson. I am so tired of relying on ANYBODY FOR ANY DAMN THING!

I have a few good friends that can help me out in the clutch but damnit waiting on people, expecting people to do right is not something I can ever do again. Shit I'm not perfect I fuck up, shit who doesn't, I may need help every now and then but for the most part I have never truly relied on anyone. Losing my car meant losing the most valuable thing possible to me. MY FUCKING I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-E.

The part that makes me the man I am. My voice, my ability, yes I can be lazy, yes I can foolish, I can be emotionally needy at times, but who isn't? Shit even dogs need to be patted on the head every now and then just to get on with their days. Today was the last straw for me. I've been outta work for a month tomorrow. I haven't driven a car since either. Its killing me inside. I now know what my EX truly meant about her independence.

At first my heart hurt over my car being totaled and no longer having a car. Then not having a job. Next not having any more money. But today sitting at home having no way to get where I need to go ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN has me at my boiling point. So its back to having my life in my own hands. Fuck this bull shit.

I have so much to do at school. So my plan was
  • Get on MARTA get to school
  • Speak with Dr. Ferguson
  • Get student Accounts to sign my paperwork
  • Scan a document needed for my police work class
  • and mail my documents to the D.O.L.(department of labor)
But as we all know, Man makes plans and God Laughs...

No One Can get me to the TRAIN STATION!!!!!!!!!
I've since found a solution to my problem...
Sorry for venting on here but I had to...

Much Love

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


so i've caved and created a formspring....

ask me anything



Monday, March 8, 2010


This post is called unsure for a good reason

Lately I've been, well I'll correct those words, for quite some time now(lol) I haven't been quite sure of a lot of things in my life.

  • Like why am I subjected to situations that constantly make me hear a former lovers words and understanding the full meaning behind them?
  • Why did I chose this major again?
  • What did I do to deserve this, losing my car?[Apparently my mission here on earth isn't done because I'm still here]
  • Why do I keep meeting dumb women?[lol]
  • Or worse, why do I keep meeting women whom I can't have or that I shouldn't even want?
  • Where do I go from here?

So to clarify for you, My most recent ex, she left a mark on me that I don't even believe she realizes how deep it was. The situations she was forced into I keep finding myself in her shoes in my day to day life, like someone's trying to make me see something. I know what I've said and what I thought and felt deep down, but what's the point of this lesson if she and I aren't well, lets just say somethings never come back. Edge of Desire by John Mayer is playing right now, "I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."

I hate police work, I've been in this major now for almost a year, I HATE IT. Its so fucking stupid, along with this school. So lets just say I'm going to do what I must to get the hell out. I'm still aiming for New York and/or Florida. I have plans but as they say people make plans while God laughs.

The accident has put me so far behind in my mind. Its made me dependent which I can't stand. I haven't truly needed anybody for a long time, I can't lie sometimes I made bad decisions that forced me to stick my hand out. I smoked everyday just to sleep. I quit for about two months and had such trouble sleeping. I was buying once a week to sustain me. I can't front it was a bad habit, but somethings gotta give when your minds forced to think under stronger gravity. Since the accident I've quit. The one thing I'm waiting for now is the ability to sleep normally, I still stay up to 3-4 am even if I'm tired. I wake up everyday at 8:30-45 ITS WEIRD!

Okay when I say dumb women I mean a woman who has the nerve to have a boyfriend at home, is going on a date with someone else while her man is at work and hits me up for sex. That kind of dumb. I think I've said enough on this subject.

Women I can't have, I'll save this subject for another day.

What now?
I got unemployment, I should be getting a car very very soon hahah yeah Ive been saying that for how long now? Anyway I'm just happy somethings giving slowly but surely somethings giving.

Have you ever felt like you and another person are doing the exact same thing to each other? Keeping up with someone else but with no words? Like you secretly check up on them regardless of what's going on in your life? Like they still matter to you but you say nothing making seem as though you don't care?


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Until the end of time

I remember the way that summer smelled,
the fragrance still lingers in the air.
I still remember the color of your eyes,
and the way the appeared to care.
The words of love that tricked me,
and the knife you used to rip me apart.
Green eyes and red hair should've been a sign,
that you were poison from the start.
The song you played to make me believe,
that somewhere deep down you had what it would take.
You made me believe in hope and love again,
sadly you were always nothing short of a mistake.

-Until the end of time

to anyone who dares stroll down memory lane, do NOT expect NOT to trip and fall and NOT get caught up in the details...I read today that behind every guy or girl that has trust issues is an EX that made them that way. I gotta say that scar still hasn't fully healed. People amaze me, They say one thing and do another. I wonder if I'm the same damn way? In all honesty I probably am. Shit, I am human right? Cut me I bleed, give me air I breathe, open old wounds and I'll tell you a story.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

idk...yet again

its kinda like a story that the hood sung
any day spent above ground is a good one
and any gun that don't cram in a jam is good one
and if the freak is unique best believe shes a loose one
maybe just a fact but these words are for you
watch everybody even them niggas on the stoop
keep ya eyes open to the niggas in ya circle
they know too much, bes believe theyll hurt you
ya enemies aint dumb, so without a fight, wars won
and if that pussy talk stupid, just reply with ya gun
death aint the answer, its also not a threat
just a judgment call to keep them lames in check
I told Boogs from the X, hold me down with the teks
I got mean streak ye digg thats yet to be seen
with an eye of the wolf focused on my green
with the heart of the bear I grip everything here




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