Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

when i need a reminder

this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God

• I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
• I have gained a sense of self
• I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
• I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
• I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
• I understand my own thought patterns
• no kids
• no criminal record
• a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
• good health
• good looks(i have an ego too you know)
• and EVERY MOMENT  IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
• I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
• I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
• I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
• I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)

though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...

In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...

i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!


But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey

The Evil thoughts and The Sermon

Evil Thoughts

Was it a mistake to say a thing to you?

I try to have faith but it slips and fades

throughout the day I show a different shade

I love you and you know it too

say it back but are your words true?

Do you understand what I feel

Do you understand what is real

Things that seem the same sometimes change

I know I said I don't expect anything

But would a text from you really mean anything?

a phone call or letter

talking about sex or even the weather

which is better?

a best friend who is unpredictable

or a lover whom isn't really believeable

damn...

-Hazey

Love is

The theme for this year is Love, Irony.

The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.

The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.

"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."

First Corinthians 13:1-7

Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5   

Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5      

Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6 

Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1  

God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.  

What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be

Two things

I wanna apologize for my behavior lately. I feel strange doing this but it feels like the right thing to do. I don't know you as well as I'd like to know you. Also I wanna say that I would like for you to get to know me.

I'm 20 years old, I'm bipolar II, I also have depression and insomnia. I found this out the Thursday before I met you. I think your interesting, your obviously beautiful, and your one of my best friends only female friends that means I better get to know you. I plan on moving to New York as of this coming year 2011. Originally I was going to move to Orlando, Florida, do music, alotta weed, and alcohol and women. I chose New York because it has more to offer than Orlando.

Anyway the reason I apologized is because I think I've been acting strange to everybody. I've gotten in a fight with everyone since I been back. I ran out of medicine on Christmas eve. On Christmas day my mood was horrible mostly, and today I've been asjusting to the higher dosage of medication.

The one word thing, confuses me not just with you but with everyone. To me I often take it the wrong way. Normally if I get a one word answer I think the person is ending the conversation, and some times people aren't actually ending the conversation. Othertimes I forget to put a word in the text MSG and it says something completely different than what I was trying to say.

Anyway, I'll text you tomorrow that's all I had to say also I have a blog. Idk if you blog but if you do you should have one for your photos and ideas. Just a thought. I have one

Www.hasdaturtle.blogspot.com

I have work in the morning xP
-HaS
 

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry, it won't be long before I forget you
It won't be long before I forget to
Lock up my heart, and leave the key for the next one
Maybe she'll want me more then the past some
Who never saw the potential, or couldn't take the pressure
It won't be long before her hearts pleasures
Become the day to day, might I also say
I'll love her deeper and stronger in every way
She'll actually have my love, and I'll finally get it all in return
No more hateful distaste of those you left a burn
And left my heart to yearn
The sun will rise in her eyes
Set between her thighs
Her mountains will tower over her depths
And my hearts in her corridors on the top step
You'll see my love on her hand, her smile and in her song
One day I'll find love, so don't worry it won't be long

-Hazey   

from the soul

Dear...you...

when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?

Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...  

I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...

Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...

I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...

My simple question:

From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?

-HaS

The original reason i began writing

My phones off as of this week...and its funny cuz at the moment i wanna send you a text message then I realized that even when I can't even call you...it bothers me...alot...atleast...i notice...to be honest...what I mean is I think about you...alot more than what may appear...I'm sure you like...nigga I have a life up here! lol IN NEW YORK! UP TOP SON, lemme son you, and its startin to get brick lol...


And I also realized you were my first inspiration to begin writing in the first place...I was writing before but the original reason to write was because of you...I used to think how you thunk when I would write...lol...I was confused back then...but I'm just tryna say I miss you...


my words keep falling on themselves because it seems like im trying to run towards you but you don't want me to...I want a lot from life and I remember when you left for new york...direction for me was lost...Ive been tryna steer myself back in the direction I was headed before...when I say its hard to picture life without you...I mean it in ways you don't...


I say these things because its not strange for me to write you...I can write you and not feel like a complete idiot for doing so...I write you because you are my reason to stand...writing you was the only thing that made sense...since I STOPPED...I feel like my direction is off too...like I keep wondering why this...and why that...all the while ignoring you...we aint walking the same walk of life any more...I wish I were there...and at many times wish you were here...


I'm writing you because...I'm glad that even if I never find anyone else...I can still...write you after all this time...MY words seem harsh...hurt...and kinda to the point in my opinion...I wish I could say things better


...but I'm writing you because you are my life line...you are my bridge back to reality...you are my ladder...my life guard in life's ocean


...and I'm so glad you are...


and the sooner I get back to living life with you...the better both of our lives will be...

-HaS

Break-Even

Break Even

A lesson from this quarter past...Lesson on Breaking Even...
In business companies may have some areas that they are losing money. Breaking Even means the where revenue and the expenditures meet on a graph where no money is lost nor is it gained...

A song just came on about Breaking Even, relationship wise, by the script. Whom made a song called the man who can't be moved...

Here's where school and real life meet in my head...

Hearts do not break even. Nope not at all. Divorces are nastier. Luckily it wasn't a divorce...

She got over it much faster than you did...and that's okay...you took much more from that break up than she did...so what if it hurts you more or less...it doesn't matter...even if she cared a little bit would it really make any of this any easier? Actually no...you wanna say yes...but your biased...so fuck it...

It's time you took that huge heart breaking loss and learn from it. Might as well get a reward out of your pain...

moving on is strange...

Because everyone leaves behind something they once wanted...

Learn from it...and keep it as a lesson learned and a blessing...from what I hear china has a shortage of women...

-Hazey

the very thought

The very thought of you makes me wanna roll up one and smoke you away....

I think that thinking of you gives me a reason to continue my habit...

I've tried all the things I will allow myself to get you out of my head and honestly none have worked...

smoking only makes it worse...

come to think about it all I've been doing since then is trying to forget some shit I will never forget...

which takes me back to my first thought...

The Very Thought of You makes me wanna Roll Up one and Smoke you away....

-Hazey

do I deserve??

If I walk away, and pursue this dream, this lifestyle, this way doing things...

If I do what you wanted me to do and do what you can't...

If I walk away from this with my head high...

If I walk my life alone but with my brothers instead of you for now...

If I try my hardest to let you go and move on in ways I never thought...

If I travel the world and see all the things you didnt get to see...

promise me that you'll come back...

I hope that 6 years of work amounts to attaining your heart

I'm still asking myself do I deserve you?

am I worthy?

my answer is always...

no...

-Hazey

I know you still miss me...

Im drunk

Im drunk if you read this

just call me...you know who you  are...

I feel like I'm reaching out to someone who feels it but is scared to reach back...

time has changed nothing...

time changes, so do people...

...I just really hope that you think of me, I just really hope that you think of me..

Updates

Online classes have begun and Midterms are over...My new job at my old job, I actually like...It is challenging but I like a good challenge its a healthy one I will say...There are still talks of a raise which would be so FUCKING AWESOME :)...

I played another night of Beer Pong hahaha I miss Julian(this is a women btw) and Alan, Dre, everybody man...Hopefully I get to chill with Julian out in Orlando even though her and Alan broke up seeing them both would be cool...

Speaking of Women

I have a new person in my life that I can not say is significant but quite puzzling hahaha...Her Name is dubbed Ms. C not for confusing but that is her codename. Shes 28 as of wednesday no her name isn't dubbed Ms. C cuz she's a cougar HAHAHHAHAHAH....but I will say that she often tells me she feels like a cougar for asking me for my number...She constantly tells me I AM A BABY, yet continuously molests me for hours on end on her couch...puzzling right? She says we can't date because I'm so young yet says we've been on two dates already...none of this has she bothered to confirm with me...now every guy is like what are the real details...Short, 38DD, big butt redbone black girl...no kids, her own car, job, apartment...now my boys tell me thats a GO!!! Hit it and keep her on the team...But sadly I don't want her like that...I know that knowing her and going all the way will happen, me and her cant be just friends...especially since she came to me...not me to her...but its all good i keep my distance...she seems cool but she aint someone I want to keep around...i can tell she would be fun to keep around but my gut's telling me to keep it moving, something don't smell right...and no she doesn't stink...she smells kinda nice actually lol...but my gut says somethings not right sounds like a trap...lol...idk She said we should go to hilton head in your car ill pay for the trip, but we wont be having sex and thats it for one day...why do I run into crazy people??? my car has 150,000 miles on it, its a Ford...and why on earth would i commit to driving for 4 hour there and 4 hours back all in one day...she's paying right? NO she aint bout to kill me for looking at other women!!! 

***

A lady hit my fucking car this past week, minor dent really...im over it already...and I am now the manager of M.O.ET....moving to Orlando is becoming more and more apparent...I wish I knew what to say but I don't...other than I'm excited out my mind but at the same time scared my family is about to fall apart... 

My parents divorce has also be finalized...i guess my dads seeing someone lately, my mom is too...I wonder if in the future they look back on this and regret it? I will say that growing up I saw it coming but regret I could never see... 

Life is getting better and better everyday I guess...now if I can just keep it all together in my head maybe shit will make sense to me one day...

-Hazey

Unforgettable

I know I shouldnt
I know good and gotdamn well I shouldnt but I can't fight this much longer

Damn I miss ya

yes yes I miss ya

I miss ya

I'm jus dieing to kiss ya

I'll do what ever it takes just to get ya

what ever I gotta do just to never split with ya

ill take everything I own and trade it all just to be wit ya

and all I ask for in return is the truth when you wit me

baby your unforgettable and I just wanted you and me to be

and at the end of the night all I hope is that

you think of me

all I hope is that

You think of me

all I hope is that

You think of me

cuz I'm tryna be unforgettable.....

>>>[Unforgettable- Drake and Jeezy]<<<

Never thought a spark could cause a war, I know I shouldn't, and I'm not tryna start any trouble...

but damnit I fuckin miss you....

-Hazey

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

Your Screams

Your tried your hardest, I'm so damn difficult I made it impossible. It wasn't you, its me...and since then all I've been doing is workin on me

you still fail to realize what I did for you

no amount of words can turn blinds, its true

I'm impossible because I'm afraid to accept this

its always the same bullshit

They tell me life is hard but falling in love much is harder

Rap can be easy, but is even easier if your last name is Carter

a friend of mine showed me the good side of being selfish

someone finally put my madness in check by being selfless

I'm different and for years I strived to be average

and everyday I fail, seems like my lifes unwritten classic

the camera lens are never flashin

im tryna make some sense of it all but yet my minds stuck between the madness

and what coulda happened

movin forward tryna find a solution to it all

im so self centered i feel too good for the mall

I think its pity to fret over a label

especially when families is struggling to keep food on the table

with wars on different fronts im just tryna fall asleep at night

it seems everybodies got somebody to talk to right?

everybody but me, let no one in and thats what I get

lost in translation, phone calls never made it

but blunts are passed to the left, and beef with my right

black flags around my head, but your on my mind tonight

again...
>>>[Unforgettable- Drake & Young Jeezy]<<<

-Hazey

My radio

My radio

*click*

Dawg somebody tell something
When all you have is nothing
But what u got is something
To most who grew up with all of nothing
When no where is ya home
And you clinging to the phones
Ashamed of what u have locked in ya chest
How can I continue to be right, when I write with my left?
*
-scratch
*
I wanna make it epic
Fuck the game, no contraceptive
Make it or break it
Stand in the way and I'll make fake it
Hypocrite with long hair and red lipstick
My eyes see lies and I hear bullshit
Her tongues covered in sin, sadly she's the seed of the pulpit
Tabernacle bathingsuit covered in beads of holy water
Dawg the strippers name...is the preacher daughter...
*
-scratch
*
I'm loving what I see
I pause when I hear
The paces changes quickly
Lust draws her near
Give her something she feel
Better yet so vivid in truth she would swear that it was real
It's like stars collide when I catch her tongue
I still catch her lyrics flowing from my tongue
She sung...
Putting her to sleep better than her daddy did
Banging through her wheat thins
Her skin just the lid
Peel it back and watch her unfold from within
She seems to lust the sin
I see her skins cold, so I begin
Warm her up...
*
-scratch
*
Thank so much
I've never felt this before
So close to my dreams
That every girl I adore
I tend to press ignore
I'm racing out the driveway
Mashing the button to close the door
120 on the highway
Racing to what I want
I've been missing my dreams so much it's hard for me to want more
Eventhough I'm all for
That shorty on all fours
I change the station
Waiting patient for day she comes knocking on my door...

*click*

-Hazey

*I have had writers block for weeks now...feels good to say something :]

[Closer to my Dreams- Goapele]

So I'm back in school, I have three classes and one is online. It completely kills my plans to take a third on ground class and evening out my work week.I was originally planning on picking up my second job to help me move easier I will attain my Associates degree next quarter :). So next quarter I will be looking to finally transfer out of this damn place. I love Atlanta and my family and my roots being here. I need to leave tho...

I am ready in my mind to move away, i think. I believe I have pushed myself in the right direction with this whole plan of mine to move to another state. Its thrilling in both good and not so good ways. But I know thats exactly what I need tho, to run at full speed...

A bit more of good news, Its looking like they wont be laying me off. I'm not sure if I explained this but when I took my old job(from high school back) I signed a contract to work there for 5 months. I figured a job is better than no job. I took it and its paying okay I guess. I will say that I always kept that in the back of my mind to find a second job. Well as I explained earlier I am to get my associates degree in one quarter including this one. In order to graduate on time I need all 6 of my next classes for that to happen. I was only set up to have just two classes this term. I added on to make it 3 this quarter and 3 next quarter and be done right? So the two next classes i have to take in order but they are only online ARGGHH...

So this means I can not take the chance of working two jobs and having an online class at the same time as 2 on ground classes. To make it worse is the online class is the last half of the quarter, meanings its scheduled at the same time as mid-terms and finals along with final project and papers. So yeah my idea to have a second job got sliced. My job did however pick up a new account that would change my job from healthcare auditing to customer service for Wellcare the health insurance from Medicare, yeah government funded...

With that said a pay increase may come with it as of August 9th so if anything Lifes getting more interesting by the day...

As far as the home front goes my parents are around to the finalization of there divorce...Everything will be different come 9-29-2010...

My car runs better and better everyday :) love my fuckin car...it may not be the newer mustangs with more horses but she stands out on her own...lol


I've got another lonely weekend this weekend so look for posts...

-Hazey

new beginning

Lately my efforts at times seem scattered like they arent focused. My dreams and imagination take me to wild places. My fantansies you wouldn't believe! But its a new start for me, which is what everything is starting to look like. My last 12 months have been crazy but its got me headed in an interesting direction so it seems. My current aspiration is to move to florida and do music with dre and al. I am sure my mom is lookin at me like GOD thank you HE HAS A PLAN...good now get there and make no excuses, I will not accept failure from you. LOL. I'm only 20 I have time. For everything want to do with my life, I will, one way or another. I got some plans in mind and I can feel that I'm about to walk the craziest path of all.

My latest slogan is:
If it wasn't about you then it aint about you now so what is more important than the now? The now leads to the future the thought doesn't...Pay Attention...

My previous slogan was STERICUS ACCIDIT meaning shit happens...yeah that explains the last two years up in just two words...damn...LOL...funny aint it?..that how shit happens when you can't explain it..lol any way I'm out...

Oh?

yeah I forgot...Did I mention the pep in my step these days? yeah I'm busier these days, I'm stuck in cubical telephone hell, my job...So that said my posts might lag a little til things balance out...

-Hazey

Freeda Um

This a song i'm workin on I hope it makes to the air waves one day...I aint looking for stardom or fame or to be the best just a little recognition and some faithful fans would be nice...

Dear Freeda Um....

Like the famed bird I sing in a cage
I come from the land of the free the home of brave
Land of green trees and the home of the slave
Where a man's greens face is for what I crave
Break your back and show no pain show no shame
My dreams of losing it all is nightmare in my days
Every night we pray for a better way
Skins dark eyes brown name Islamic some say
"Is that an American name?" I'm sorry what did you say?
My family's historys been erased both sides I must say
Foreignors look at us for lost and sinned up in our ways
Honor is a forgotten virtue of what we claim
But in this land virtues are pointless, most adopt our ways
Change your clothes, change your tongue, while you at it grow some waves...
be it corn rolls, dreadlocks or fades no matter what fuck what they say
Freeda Um just to have you what a price we had to pay...

Freeda Um Freeda Um Freeda Um Freeda Um
let this weed burn on ya tongue
green is what we need yet we form some
just to get a little taste of whats to come
Freeda Um


-Hazey

OUCH...6-26-10

Sorry for bringing this up...


honestly I feel like im crazy...is it crazy to just miss a person???


OUCH...6-26-10

From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time

I do not feel betrayed

I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)

Missing everything about you...

asking myself would I ever hear from you again...

asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...

asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...

I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?

at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...

so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...

*sigh*...damn...

-Hazey