A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

On A Lighter Note

On a lighter note this weekend I decided to be the person I should always be and take care of the things that matter most to me. My Friends and Family! This weekend I decided to purchase some repair parts and fix the holes I've put into my house...lol...I have some anger issues and its getting cold I need to patch them damn holes. My mum's been nagging me about the window I punched out and the hole I put in the garage and come to think of it I need to patch the roof as well. :/ okay this sounds kinda bad like I have anger management issues but I will say the roof patching has nothing to do with my anger exertion thankfully. So I purchased some glass and a cutter, yeah that will be very interesting. I also purchased some new additions to the house.

Now we originally named them "A Pimp named Slick Back" & "Shaft" and of course an algae eater. I also purchased some plants that look really good and also seem to be doing really well. Before I introduced these lil guys to my fish tank I had some work to do. About a month ago I was at home alone for about 4 days. I decided that I wanted fish in the living room again so I needed to retart my fish tank. We once had fish in there and they were cool. My now absent father killed them and would periodically turn the filter off, add water and sometimes just get rid of fish without my knowledge.



*Okay people two things that you must know about me* If you don't know what the fuck you are doing...DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT! and two if I specifically tell you to just ask me what to do with MY THINGS! Heed my words!





My father decided to do neither! Not only has that man killed countless fish of mine but he also has contributed nothing to the maintenance, feeding, or purchasing of any equipment to put into said fish tank that hold approximately 15-20 gallons of water. Not only would he add water to this fish tank, but he would never tell that he added water to the tank. So when my fish would die I would be disappointed and think I can't keep anything alive. Well, folks just to inform you adding water to a fish tank or bowl for that matter without conditioning the fish or the water is harmful. Turning the filter off for days at a time can also be harmful.I told him this and would never heed my words so I've lost alotta fish over the years. SO when I noticed that he was doing his own thing with my fish I decided to see if I could in fact keep one single solitary fish alive.

I did, his name was Hendrx (pronounced Hendrix like the Guitarist :] ) HE was my first Beta fish that I ever kept in my room. He lived for about one year, sadly he died back in July :[. He had what I liked to call a girl friend whom he lived with named Jaylyn. She lived for about 9 months and died back in June. Now many people say keep them separate except during mating. Well they were actually the exception to the rule for a while (Maybe there's a life lesson in this story after all) They fought but never to the death. They were cool they would swim to the side of the bowl where I would sleep because they were on my night stand. They would look at me regardless of what I was doing, be it sleeping, reading, on the phone, whatever. They were just fish but had their own personalities so to speak it was cool. These two fish lived just fine without my fathers unnecessary interventions! I think them living together however lead to there demise. I will say Hendrx seemed lonely after she died. It was strange to see that.





I have since bought another Beta to keep in my room. He is named Jayson. I think its best for him to live a solitary life for now. He's a lil cooky, he actually interacts more with me than I thought he would.

ANYWAY back to my original story. I have decided to rename my fish lol. The blue one is actually blue with purple stripes(Niko) and the yellow is actually Golden(Nino).

Before I brought them, the algae eater and the plants home, I boiled 75% of the water and let the filter run for about a month. I replaced all the gravel in the bottom and treated the water :). The fish seem happy and the plants are surviving unlike last time. So in lue of this adjustment at home I have redone the fish on my blogger. The Blue one Niko, the Yellow one Nino, and the redish one is Algae eater. I gotta name him. He wouldn't let me touch him or put him in the water he jumped out of the bag on is own and into the tank lol. I'll call him "Legs"






So heres my new fish tank.
The fish are called African Cichlids
Apparently they grow to be about 6 inches long...these lil guys are just a little over an inch.







If you ask me Niko likes to be seen!

anyway there's a life lesson in there somewhere, maybe you can point it out to me lol. I however would like say one of my favorite quotes "Look out the Window!..Life goes on..."

One!

-Hazey

Black Heart Inertia

Okay so I'm wide a-fuckin-wake and am on this tip to go to New York. In my head I am telling myself the positives of actually moving to New York. It seems my body is now a little more inclined to move to New York lately for some unearthly reason. So am I up looking up jobs and schools in New York and their requirements for residency and also for transfer students.
So far here are the schools I have looked at when it comes to tuition and transfer students it looks reasonable to me:

1. Berkeley College, 130 William Street New York, New York 10038
2. St. John’s University, 8000 Utopia Parkway Queens, New York 11439
3. St. Joesph's College, 155 West Roe Boulevard, Patchogue, NY 11772
4. Cornell University, 410 Thurston Avenue, Ithaca, NY 14850
5. Manhattan College Riverdale, NY 10471 since the address isn't given 718-862-8000

Recently I also chose to look up a few jobs. Honestly I have to say there are way more jobs up there than there are down here.

First Up of my top two of my 5 researched. Berkeley College
Tuition Cost $6350 per quarter. Now that may seem like a lot but in reality its not that much more than I pay at AIU. Residency is 42100-2200 for double residency and $2400-2800 for single residency. The school even added a MISC costs for all the other costs a student runs into. Total costs equals $7360 a year this includes books, personal expenses, and transportation.

Second up of my top two of my 5 researched. St. John's University
Tuition Cost $29350 per year. Now that seems steep but not to bad if you ask me. The other fees that I could run and will most assuredly run into will bring me to a grand total of $14490 this includes room and board, meals all fees for classes, application fee, and an additional late fee because I know me[lol].

I don't know sounds good if you ask me. I think I'll definitely have to mow all this over and contact their financial add departments and see how much money I am allegable to attain. Hopefully I'll get something.

For Last

Its 4:37 a.m. and honestly I have been waking up a lot lately because I can't sleep. Not because I am horny, or hungry, or because of bodily functions, no nothing of anything of that sort. Its never because I have someone or something on my mind. The reason I have been having broken sleep is because I keep hearing songs playing in my head but at the same time, I'd much rather be awake than be asleep.

It was once said by Dr. Seuss -“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” But honestly I'm not in love with anyone. I'm just happy and in love with life again. Its so strange to me...

As for every lover I have lost to get to this point I'm not sad or mad. I'm fucking happy for all of them. They all moved on to other people and for the most part seem content. Dr. Seuss -“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." All I can say is man I have never been so excited to get going on my life's journey no matter how hard or how difficult it may get, I still want my German Shepard, My Harley-Davidson, my own apartment, to be fully trained in two martial arts, and to see the world. I just am happy again and its mind blowing...

Many people don't understand how it feels to finally be free of my insecurities, be free of my doubts, be free of my shame, be free of all dark thoughts that once clouded my judgment and my heart. I know that many people just do not understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and finally see yourself after all these years, it honestly feels like nothing else I've ever felt...

Just to smile again feels so great. To be happy just being me is like God lifted the stress off of my shoulders and showed me things are okay. It feels wonderful to just be me again. To listen to music in the morning and make my bed. It feels wonderful to make plans with literally anybody to go hang out. What feels even better is to make plans with myself and just enjoy them to myself. I am enjoying looking into things at my own will. It took years for me to realize I can't make anyone happy if I'm not happy first...and honestly I wanna perfect me being happy on my own before another person enters my life permanently again. They say save the best for last so with that said finding a person is literally what I wanna do. I wanna go and do me and see this nation and the rest of the world. It would be awesome if I had a companion to go do this with but I guess my dreams and wishes are enough to company on life's short but wonderful journey.


-Hazey

Current Track
>>>[Incubus-Admiration]<<<

sooooooo000o0o000o

Capoeira

In the 15th and 16th Centuries, Africans were taken away from their homelands and thrown into ships that carried them away to new lands recently discovered by the great European powers of that era. After arriving they were kept like cattle; slaves were branded with red-hot irons and housed in crowded, infectious slave quarters. In the "age of great discoveries" slaves were a valuable commodity. After days of intensive work, exhausted, these slaves were gathered into their quarters, receiving poor rations of food, becoming extremely undernorished and sick.

Dutch invasions between 1624-1630 caused temporary disorganization in the farms and sugar mills of Brazil. For the slaves, these invasions brought an opportunity for escape. Taking advantage of the nearby forests, they hid themselves and formed communities that would become known as Quilombos. They were organized politically and socially like African tribal societies. The leader of the Quilombos was a king called "Gunga-Zumba", later shortened to "Zumbi". This king was a great general, who became famous because of his defensive skills and numerous victories against the Portuguese.

When the Dutch were expelled from Brazil the slave owners send out armed expeditions to recapture the fugitives and destroy the Quilombos. Without a substantial amount of weapons, the ex-slaves realized they would have to defend themselves with their hands (and feet!). They created a style of self-defense that would stand against weapons and firearms. This style of fighting was called "Capoeira de Angola"; capoeiras were the name of the brushwoods where the fugitives entrenched themselves and it was believed that the first group of slaves who arrived in Brazil were from Angola.

In 1890 Capoeira was outlawed in Brazil. It remained outside of the law until in 1928, when Master Bimba (Manoel dos Reis Machado) founded what was known as "Luta Regional Baiana". A fusion of Capoeira Angola and batuque (street Capoeira) it was later called Capoeira Regional. During this time Capoeira became more than just a fight. It acheived national recognition and became what it is today: a dance, a sport, a game and an artistic expression of freedom.


I swear I am so freaking random but learning would be awesome :]

new found dreams

Man today realized I have some new dreams:

• I wanna get straight As in school
• I wanna get this job at titlemax
• I wanna go to law school if I enjoy criminal justice program
• I wanna own my own condo in atlanta
• or atleast have a lease on an apartment
• I wanna get back in shape
• I wanna pursue my happiness once again
• I wanna get a dog

Man there are sooo many things I wanna do with my life

its true he takes to give something better...I understand...

I miss her...but I understand

You know God is funny like that. Who knew a year ago I would be the one to pick your head up from crying in the mall as the world seemed to spin and your dreams crashed around you? Who knew a year later we'd end up where we began in the first place? Its like God answered my prayer but gave me a time limit to enjoy it. Its like he said here you go. Enjoy while you can, I have big plans for you. Taste your dreams and your happiness and remember what it feels like. You will have it again, someday hopefully. Although before you can truly have it, I need you to do what you came here to do. I'm destined for greatness I know I am. I'm destined to accomplish so many things in my life span and am going to accomplish many of my self determined goals. I will reach them. I want to see the proud look on my mothers face when she introduces me or talks about me. I wanna see the look of pride in my fathers eyes when I go the distance they know I can go. I'm going to get there. Its just one day and one prayer at a time.

Turtle has returned

Dear Father,

A long hard but brief moment of insight has come across me. On father's day of all days I came to actually appreciate my own father.Despite the recent opportunity to become one myself that I turned down so happily(hahaha). The thought of not being apart of my own childs life and it being raised by other people and a mother whom I see unfit, breaks my heart in pieces I can't explain. Despise you, yes I do so very very often do I. I can't hold a conversation with the man at all. We can't talk without there being an argument, literally. He throws every single last thing he has ever done for me in my face, and I mean that he does. I remember when I was 5 and you took me clothes shopping and I asked for a toy and you threw it in my face how you just bought me clothes. I don't ask you for anything. If I do its very very small in fact tiny even. You make no sense. You tell me I need to get my shit together and be doing things on my own but insist that I need to ask you for help because I'm not alone. You complain like a bitch, and are easily hurt by words. Physical pain we seem to handle just fine, we say ow but in reality it didn't hurt at all. I pulled in the driveway and looked at your brilliant parking job and realized mine was exactly the same. You aren't perfect. In fact, you have just as many flaws as an uncut diamond. You are my flesh and blood. I won't lie there are many a night I wish you would just disappear into thin air. I love you for trying. Your words suck, you can't relate to anything I say, nothing I do is ever going to good enough for you(I have yet to find), I will never truly ever be able to please you or make you proud, Holding an ordinary conversation will never ever ever happen so long as there is a 21 year gap between us, and we will probably never ever be able to communicate without arguing. Alas you are my father, you have never ever let me forget, your brutal words and military style of maintaining order have created the man I am. You aren't confident in me I see these things. I love you for being there even though I never ever asked you to be. I love you for not being there when I needed you. I love you because you aren't perfect, but you gave it a shot.

Love,
HaS aka Jr
Happy Father's Day



>>>[Trouble- Coldplay and Best of you-Foo Fighters]<<<

next up coming movies

The following movies are rated A for fucking awesome :]

Gamer- Gerard Butler- 9-4-2009

Hurt Locker- 6-26-2009

Moon- Sam Rockwell- 6-12-2009

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

What I had slapped in my face

I talked to you today
you gave me peace of mind
you gave me a reason to relax
you gave me the strength to pull myself together and get a hold of myself
you made me feel like a fool but it was well deserved
you are my best friend in the world and you mean so very much to me
I want to thank you
I've let you down a few times in the past and I tried my best to make up for that
You reminded me of who I am
You reminded me of how I am
You reminded me that I am strong, that I am strong in will
You reminded me that I need not hang my head in shame
You reminded me that I am FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'
You reminded me that we have a similar relationship to what is going on
and if ANYTHING, I should understand her more than anyone
You reminded me of what and how I used to be
a MAN
You reminded me of what I have always been like
and how I have let the rear view mirror steer me in a forward direction
You have never left my side Sabrina,
you broke my heart but you have always been there for me and I appreciate it
When I'm hardest on myself, you're always there to lend a helping hand in the ridicule lol
and for all its worth you will always have a tiny piece of my heart and that will never change
I won't lie I know you and I will always have each others back when times get hard
and that when its all said and done our kids will play together ( lol insider)
sometimes I feel so alone
I feel like I'm wandering
I feel like I'm wasting time
I feel like I'm not important to anyone
I feel like I'm just taking up space
and you remind me that if I die you're going to kill more bitches (lmfao)
Through the years I have seen our relationship go from friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends
and honestly it makes me smile from deep within
and it makes me understand everything even more so everyday
I can't wait to go out and club with you
and do everything we wanted to do so very long ago
it makes me smile
and I know that's how my woman feels for him
I know its a short lived thing and you remind me that I have nothing to worry about
she'll get past what she's feeling now
You reminded me of all that she has said to me and how it's what I need to believe
because she has done nothing to betray me
You reminded me of how I love and how I AM FAR FROM NEEDY
so yeah I miss you so very much
I can't wait to see you

[Freeze! don't change don't leave don't go, baby just Freeze!]

Your <3 I hope

Pardon me miss

But can I hope to inconvenience
Your Heart
for a moment beautiful woman
even if I couldn't
make it my own
one day in hopes
to make you smile
for a little more than a while
and not just for tonight
but the rest of your life
and the rest of the days sunlight
and the nights moonlight
where the stars shine as bright
as your eyes
which captivate me like your subtle surprise
and the sun beaming and warm and beautiful as your smile

maybe I'm wrong for still going on
and still hanging on
but pardon my intrusion
into your heart
I want neither a piece nor a part
but I was hoping that one day
I could make you mine
and make you see that your love belongs to me, you could say its mine

So you'll give me a chance and let me
I see what it is
Well guide me to where your love is
the place where the road is paved in your love
painted in your affection
to your everlasting love
I wanna be the one u sing about
write about
talk about
never walk without
dream about
laugh about
cry about
think about
scream about
the fact that you can't live without
me, or us, or all of what was
I wanna have all of your love

Show me the way to your heart where the warmth is
send me letters from heaven saying how powerful this love is

Baby I wanna be the one you make plans with
the one you call at night and fall asleep with
yes over the phone
when no ones at home
you call me to tell me come over so you don't have to be alone
The one who excites you
the one who always invites you
the one who ignites you
and sets you soul a blaze
while making the haze fade away
the one who opens your eyes
and shows you whats real and true
The one you call sweety, honey, boo
baby, babes, babe, bbz, tuya
tu vida, tu rey
tu amor
and more

I wanna love you like no other
that makes you feel like a potential mother
so happy and proud and grateful to be
The one you call your hubby to be
I wanna love you with passion unseen and unmatched

or maybe I'm just asking to much
and this is all a big dream
to one day have your heart

RE: Love

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;

In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;

In halls, in gay attire is seen;

In hamlets, dances on the green.

Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,

And men below and saints above;

For love is heaven, and heaven is love.

~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Posted by ★»»[Jezzuka]«« at 8:58 PM

For yours is heaven and heaven is yours
Your love is the water that helps the seed
The force beneath my feet and rumble underneath the sea
swaying back and forth I feel its power
amongst the trees never seizing, never stopping, even in the darkest hour
from my feet to my head to my back from my chest
your love flows through me; north to south; east to west
-HaS

Test of faith

Things are starting to unravel
and life seems like its readying arms
and building its masses as it prepares for battle.
So many others would panic and fold under the pressure
but on my neck there is a symbol of hope
representing grace under pressure.
I feel like I can get through this with ease
Its the first of many test GOD has for me
I know he is behind me and knows I can do for him what he
created me to do.


I see that there are many things that could separate you and i
my love. But this is all a test from Him. I believe he has faith in
us. I see these things as just tests to show us how much closer we can get.
I hope and pray you see them as gateways into each others arms.
I know we already are but I want us to get closer. I want to reach a level
neither of us has ever reached mentally, emotionally, physically, and intimately.
to create a bond between us that couldn't be shattered by any minor worldly
problem. I know its a lot to ask of you at the moment. But these things can wait. We have to take it one day at a time. And I promise to be there. I just want you to understand that I'm all ears baby. I hear to listen and understand. As well as throw in any help, advice, comfort, and support you may ever or never thought you ever need. There is only one thing I wish from you. I wish you would look to me for help like you did when you were stuck in Buckhead. I don't want you to need me. I just want you to understand you can't do it alone. I'm here for you. We can do anything baby. I know you're thinking you've got some obstacles. But they are just obstacles not walls. but even walls can be climbed. From B.O.A. to school to Chewie to your family. I am here. I wanna hear your thoughts and your feelings. I wanna know your dreams and all your goals. I want to know you fully as separate person but i want to know you also as another part of me as well and vise versa.
I love you so very much. but as much as these statement may scare you, I want more from us. I want to continue building. I see us reaching a very successful plateau. I just know I can't do this alone.

Will and Jada

I will admit that I was en el bano(hahaha)
and I decided to pick up an essence magazine in front of me
It had Jada Pinkette-Smith on the cover
So I decided to read in on the Smiths' life and love
I found them to be inspiring
The way they described each other and the way
they loved one another and supported one another
made me want to do the same.
I want a love that "I created"
A love where I push the other person to do
their God Given best. And have them do the same.
I mean look at where they are. They have GREAT careers.
They are in Hollywood but still don't have the media
prying into their lives. The must have WONDERFUL credentials.
I want that. I want to move to California and start a family and have a
great career. It sounds odd coming from a man's mouth. But they are what I want.
I want that from life. I want to be able to look at my partner and see she is happy and comfortable and feels safe and proud of what we have accomplished.
maybe i just want to much from life :(