On A Lighter Note

On a lighter note this weekend I decided to be the person I should always be and take care of the things that matter most to me. My Friends and Family! This weekend I decided to purchase some repair parts and fix the holes I've put into my house...lol...I have some anger issues and its getting cold I need to patch them damn holes. My mum's been nagging me about the window I punched out and the hole I put in the garage and come to think of it I need to patch the roof as well. :/ okay this sounds kinda bad like I have anger management issues but I will say the roof patching has nothing to do with my anger exertion thankfully. So I purchased some glass and a cutter, yeah that will be very interesting. I also purchased some new additions to the house.

Now we originally named them "A Pimp named Slick Back" & "Shaft" and of course an algae eater. I also purchased some plants that look really good and also seem to be doing really well. Before I introduced these lil guys to my fish tank I had some work to do. About a month ago I was at home alone for about 4 days. I decided that I wanted fish in the living room again so I needed to retart my fish tank. We once had fish in there and they were cool. My now absent father killed them and would periodically turn the filter off, add water and sometimes just get rid of fish without my knowledge.



*Okay people two things that you must know about me* If you don't know what the fuck you are doing...DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT! and two if I specifically tell you to just ask me what to do with MY THINGS! Heed my words!





My father decided to do neither! Not only has that man killed countless fish of mine but he also has contributed nothing to the maintenance, feeding, or purchasing of any equipment to put into said fish tank that hold approximately 15-20 gallons of water. Not only would he add water to this fish tank, but he would never tell that he added water to the tank. So when my fish would die I would be disappointed and think I can't keep anything alive. Well, folks just to inform you adding water to a fish tank or bowl for that matter without conditioning the fish or the water is harmful. Turning the filter off for days at a time can also be harmful.I told him this and would never heed my words so I've lost alotta fish over the years. SO when I noticed that he was doing his own thing with my fish I decided to see if I could in fact keep one single solitary fish alive.

I did, his name was Hendrx (pronounced Hendrix like the Guitarist :] ) HE was my first Beta fish that I ever kept in my room. He lived for about one year, sadly he died back in July :[. He had what I liked to call a girl friend whom he lived with named Jaylyn. She lived for about 9 months and died back in June. Now many people say keep them separate except during mating. Well they were actually the exception to the rule for a while (Maybe there's a life lesson in this story after all) They fought but never to the death. They were cool they would swim to the side of the bowl where I would sleep because they were on my night stand. They would look at me regardless of what I was doing, be it sleeping, reading, on the phone, whatever. They were just fish but had their own personalities so to speak it was cool. These two fish lived just fine without my fathers unnecessary interventions! I think them living together however lead to there demise. I will say Hendrx seemed lonely after she died. It was strange to see that.





I have since bought another Beta to keep in my room. He is named Jayson. I think its best for him to live a solitary life for now. He's a lil cooky, he actually interacts more with me than I thought he would.

ANYWAY back to my original story. I have decided to rename my fish lol. The blue one is actually blue with purple stripes(Niko) and the yellow is actually Golden(Nino).

Before I brought them, the algae eater and the plants home, I boiled 75% of the water and let the filter run for about a month. I replaced all the gravel in the bottom and treated the water :). The fish seem happy and the plants are surviving unlike last time. So in lue of this adjustment at home I have redone the fish on my blogger. The Blue one Niko, the Yellow one Nino, and the redish one is Algae eater. I gotta name him. He wouldn't let me touch him or put him in the water he jumped out of the bag on is own and into the tank lol. I'll call him "Legs"






So heres my new fish tank.
The fish are called African Cichlids
Apparently they grow to be about 6 inches long...these lil guys are just a little over an inch.







If you ask me Niko likes to be seen!

anyway there's a life lesson in there somewhere, maybe you can point it out to me lol. I however would like say one of my favorite quotes "Look out the Window!..Life goes on..."

One!

-Hazey

A post from Nappy Headed Black Child

This is a post that I ran across today...idk you tell me what I am...lol

http://kumathree.blogspot.com/

"This is a very difficult discussion because frankly there are no good answers or solutions. but lets dive into this and see where we end up



So the one drop rule is ideology of white racial purity saying that even one drop of black blood makes you black. Now in my lifetime i have considered anyone w/ "black in them" as black particularly because we could relate to "american black urban subculture" <---very important distinction. Now as i am currently reconstructing my own consciousness i look at the "One Drop rule" and say fuck that. Why is the concept of what is black based of the exclusivity of whiteness. I reject that totally any concept of blackness that is dependent upon whiteness for definition my people are to great for that. but that then begs the question Who is black...and who isn't black. Thats a hell of a question to answer because of the cultural destruction that Africans in america have suffered at the hands of those of european decent. There are many of us who distinctly show our African heritage in our facial and body structure as well as our skin and hair. So quite frankly What do we do about the black/other non black people? Do they still count? I mean if are still under the working definition of the one drop rule they would be considered black...but since im rejecting that...where do they stand? Hard Question to answer. This becomes increasingly problematic when we look at it in terms of colorism. The term colorism usually refers to when lighter skin tones are preferred and darker skin is considered less desirable. No matter where i look in a music videos on tv advertisements rarely do i see a dark skinned black male or a dark skinned black female portrayed together. Generally its dark skinned male and lighter skinned female. Given the pervasiveness of eurocentric beauty standards there is a problem here. Rarely do u see Grace Jones/Alek Wek dark skinned beauty grace a screen w/ black dark skinned male. When talk about black people or people of african descent we are not appreciating the breadth of African beauty. How u gonna talk about black people and not highlight the BLACK woman. Let alone a Black Queen. These are questions...that don't have answers right now. But are definitely worth discussing. But at the moment i suppose its all about what you are claiming." posted by Isaac at 1:31 PM on Nov 19, 2009

HERE is my response to what he said


Blogger HaS the Turtle said...

i have to say i completely agree with you on that. I am a dark skinned male but my biological father isn't even black, but when you look at me the first thing you think is I am black. My mother is African American and My father is Native American. To be honest I have such an identity crisis sometimes because I don't act like a typical African American male, reason my father isn't African American...so what am I bi-racial? My outwardly appearance says other wise...


Honestly sometimes I feel like I am a black man but I just don't act like the typical one. Other times I feel as though I am not a black man I just appear to be one. I remember all through school I was called an oreo, you know black on the outside white on the inside. In some cases this was completely true. I mean if you don't exactly have an African American Male to model yourself after, can you in turn be an African American Male? I mean you can argue it all you want but can you really? I remember I used to feel really left out over this because my dad didn't have the same skin tone as me, he didn't have the exact same heritage as every other kid that looked like me. I felt like I really had to prove I was just another "Nigga" so to speak but as I grew up I realized I wasn't. I used to feel alienated from black people because they are partially my people but in a way not fully. It makes things difficult because as a teenager you have alot going on in your mind, body, and socially. I had to deal with this interesting dilemma. How can I call myself a black man, if the man that raised me, isn't a black man himself and wasn't raised by a black man either?

I wont lie I have struggled with this alot! I used to feel so awkward when I would date a black girl, or any girl for that matter because people have some sort of preconceived mold that you are supposed to fit. Well atleast here in the south. In all honesty I wasn't raised in a majority black neighborhood, I grew up around white kids, mexican kids, dominican kids, veitnamese kids, korean kids and mixed kids. Very few black kids, now many of you would say what about your mothers side of the family. Yes I knew them. Although I did not grow around my black cousins, nor did I grow up around my racial conondrum of family my father has. He kept me and my brother isolated really. He didn't really want us to be around my mothers family too much, yet at the same time he really didn't push to be around his side of the family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, who am I? I have had the hardest time trying to define myself as a person because I literally don't have much to stand on. I have an islamic name and I am a christian. My native american father grew up as a muslim in Chicago. My mother a southern baptist. I am a dark skinned brother who didn't grow up to be a typical black man. Its like one of my exes used to hurt me so badly when she would critisize me on some of the things I would do and say. WHY? Well her being a white woman who grew up in the south she had a precut image of what a black man is supposed to be, and I just didn't fit that image. I remember becoming gang affiliated because I wanted to just be a black kid, nothing more. Now I am on the verge of 20 and I literally don't know what to do or to say about what I am let alone who I am.

My younger brother on the other hand he just sees himself as a black kid, for now. Everyday I see him grasp the reality that he isn't like other black kids. I am literally waiting for him to ask me, how are we supposed to act? I mean we look black, well sorta. We aren't built the exact same as other black kids, i noticed that first! My facial structure is honestly quite funny looking to me. I'm trailing off topic. But hey these are my thoughts do with them what you will....

-Hazey

The Men, The Cycle, My Dreams

The men, the cycle, my dreams

It's crazy how fathers side of the family works. It seems like my father has entered a vicious cycle that I think I'm doomed to repeat. My father doesn't speak to his father for he doesn't like him. From what I understand my grandfather is the same way. Each distancing themselves from there roots. I'm not sure if it's because of shame or anger or both or more. I fear I am falling into that trap. Each male is disowning their individual backgrounds and taking on a new identity. Why is it that I am the same way? The way I grew up. Each grew up with a male present but not one they respected or even looked up to. None have any pride in who they are. I can't let this continue.

These fears distance me from ever having kids. My father is many things I never ever want to be like. My grandfather the same way. I don't want to have children or even a relationship until I have made myself the man I want to be. So with that said I give up on love, relationships, hopes of marriage, having children of my own, and starting my own family. 

I have many things I need to fix at home first. After I fix that I have to be the man that I see myself as. Once these goals are accomplished I can then begin to fathom the possibility of those ideals and dreams listed above. 

I think I can...Wait!..NO!...I KNOW I can do this...

-Hazey aka Turtle 

The Dotted line

I gotta say that that was the bottom
hoping for something that I know won't happen
its funny to me how a bit of inspiration leads to a dream
funny how the heart speaks with no words
and how easily it can sway your days
changing your best mood,
That silence in solitude that can turn to tears

After a day of being completely lost at who I am and what I am about I came to some conclusions. Sickness not only fucks up your daily life but also your brain chemistry. I had been on bed rest for about 5 days this past week. Being able to walk around and talk to people feels awesome. I was happy VERY happy before I got sick. Now that my sickness is fading and I am returning to normal physically, I want my damn happy back. I notice it ain't coming back that easy. During my solitude I also noticed what my heart has been searching for so damned hard to find.
For years I have felt alone, and at first I thought it was the absence of a lover. So down that trek I lead myself. What a blinding and truly damaging road that was and still is. My heart is alone but not in love. I grew up so differently than other kids that I have been exposed to. Many growing up in the same neighborhoods for long periods of time, or moving from one place to another but many times going back to one place or they grew up so damn random I can't relate. I grew up in many places. I grew up with Koreans, Mexicans, Dominicans, whites and blacks. I didn't grow up in a small town. I grew up in many cities. I was a military brat at the beginning of my life. I find it hard to relate to people.
I hate walking into a room full of people and being stared at like a piece of strange meat the dog dragged in. Its discouraging. No! I am not like everyone else. I listen to rock, LOUDLY and I'm black and live in the south. I wanna play guitar, in high school everyone had a crew of people that they fit in with. The messed up part was I fit in no where. Not even amongst the nerds man, WTF! I look for companionship everywhere and have finally seen that, I am an anomaly in the equation of what a black man is. I don't talk like, act like, walk like, listen to the same music, think like or even fit the description of a typical black man.
With that said imagine what women see? I mean I hear that women look at me and see one of two things, gay or taken...(-_-), first off I can't stand other men too much anyway so those of you who even let that cross your mind go play with it(that thought of me being gay) in the middle of traffic. Most see that I'm taken, but the truth of the matter is I'm usually single. I don't hit on women alot because well I'd get sick of being hit on everywhere I went. That and I would rather get to know you before I decide to share bodily fluid with you.[lmfao]
The times that stick out to me the most have to be how I grew up and how other men grew up. My father, yeah not a great father, nor a very good one at that to be honest, didn't raise us to be men. To be honest he raised us to be something else. We were never close to relatives, like other people. Never shown how to interact with other men by him. He never showed us what pride in ones abilities looked like or even felt like. He never showed us how to walk tall and be confident. To be honest he didn't show us(me and my brother) what its like to be a man. A man shouldn't have to ask that from his father. My father, a confused native american male, his father left when he was 12 so he didn't know how to raise men. I don't fault him for that, that was not his fault. Just the things my father tried to provide us with separated us from other kids but in ways that made it hard for us to handle other people. Yes, he has been there, but he's just been a figure for many years. Those past 6 years of my life to be honest, I should actually be dead somewhere. Its strange to me when I see other guys getting really into watching football. I'll play it but I don't like to watch it. I find many things that guys do to be so very strange because well my knowledge when it comes to male interaction is very little. When it comes to female interaction its actually the same damn thing. He never talked with us about liking girls, or what he used to do. He honestly doesn't even speak about his childhood.
Anyway all I can say is the lack of similarities with others gets to me such to a level that it affects the way one preseves oneself. As I grew up no matter where I went I was always said to be different. Not like everybody else. After a while a person whom is deemed different wonders where are all the other people out there that are cast out as different from the norm? Or even if those people exist? Am I ever going to fit what women want? Will I ever just be able to just hang with the fellas? It plagues ones mind to a point where they find themselves always discontent not only with themselves but with the world around them.

thoughts for now
-Hazey

For You

For You- Staind

To my Father
It's your son or
It's your daughter
Are my screams
Loud enough for
You to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

The silence
Is what kills me
I need someone
Here to help me
But you don't know
How to listen
And let me make
My decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

All your insults
And your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like
I am nothing
But you make me
So do something

Cause I'm fucked up
Because you are
Need attention
Attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast





The Silence gets us nowhere, your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person,....Because of you I don't want children....

Turtle has returned

Dear Father,

A long hard but brief moment of insight has come across me. On father's day of all days I came to actually appreciate my own father.Despite the recent opportunity to become one myself that I turned down so happily(hahaha). The thought of not being apart of my own childs life and it being raised by other people and a mother whom I see unfit, breaks my heart in pieces I can't explain. Despise you, yes I do so very very often do I. I can't hold a conversation with the man at all. We can't talk without there being an argument, literally. He throws every single last thing he has ever done for me in my face, and I mean that he does. I remember when I was 5 and you took me clothes shopping and I asked for a toy and you threw it in my face how you just bought me clothes. I don't ask you for anything. If I do its very very small in fact tiny even. You make no sense. You tell me I need to get my shit together and be doing things on my own but insist that I need to ask you for help because I'm not alone. You complain like a bitch, and are easily hurt by words. Physical pain we seem to handle just fine, we say ow but in reality it didn't hurt at all. I pulled in the driveway and looked at your brilliant parking job and realized mine was exactly the same. You aren't perfect. In fact, you have just as many flaws as an uncut diamond. You are my flesh and blood. I won't lie there are many a night I wish you would just disappear into thin air. I love you for trying. Your words suck, you can't relate to anything I say, nothing I do is ever going to good enough for you(I have yet to find), I will never truly ever be able to please you or make you proud, Holding an ordinary conversation will never ever ever happen so long as there is a 21 year gap between us, and we will probably never ever be able to communicate without arguing. Alas you are my father, you have never ever let me forget, your brutal words and military style of maintaining order have created the man I am. You aren't confident in me I see these things. I love you for being there even though I never ever asked you to be. I love you for not being there when I needed you. I love you because you aren't perfect, but you gave it a shot.

Love,
HaS aka Jr
Happy Father's Day



>>>[Trouble- Coldplay and Best of you-Foo Fighters]<<<

RE:Remembering full version

Remembering
The article

-HaS
*
I am a military Brat as people will call it. My family is made up mostly servicemen or former servicemen. My uncles, my cousins, my great uncles and there nieces and nephews. All the way down to my very own parents. You can still see the service with in them today. It changes a person. Disciplines them even. My own parents however do not want me to enter the armed forced in any fashion whatsoever. Now they never said I couldn't. They just feel its not a necessary route for me to undertake. I understand that. The amount of service and dedication you have to put into being in the armed forces puts a strain on your family and in times like these its best to avoid anymore strain. I have an inner and utmost respect for men and women within the military. Not trying to say anything by this next statement but many of you know it to be true. When people say they have a respect for them often times its is a tad cliche, often people respect them for the simple fact that they themselves couldn't push themselves to do it. My respect however comes from experience I should say. Many people don't know what it's like to watch one of your parents in a uniform and rifle headed off to another country for months on end. Many people don't know the mental strain it places on couples and their families not just immediate but the entire family. I on th other hand am able to keep things at the front of my mind without it hurting too much as others tend to push it to the back in hopes things work out for the best. I guess I can do that because well I had to. My father,yes the man I love but have a horrible relationship with, served in Korea and in the Gulf war the first one.
I have a few pictures of him and all its kinda funny, I can see why he says I remind him of him {lol}...the truth of the matter is I have never really said this but there are a few times very fair and wide they maybe that I have a really high respect and pride in what and where my father has gone in his life. Those moments are rare and I try my hardest to hang on to them. Thats what this post is about.
me and my father

My father and his brothers

*

I do agree with you. The sad part my own family which has mostly military men and women involved look at it as just a way to kick off the summer. At the current moment my uncle is serving his 6th or 7th tour overseas going back and forth from IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. My father served in the first gulf war my great uncles served in WWII and another one of my uncles served in Kuwait at the start of the war. My mother being of also a military background acts the way the rest of the nation does even though the war itself effects directly more than most.

So in agreement, Yes today is a day of remembrance....