The men, the cycle, my dreams
It's crazy how fathers side of the family works. It seems like my father has entered a vicious cycle that I think I'm doomed to repeat. My father doesn't speak to his father for he doesn't like him. From what I understand my grandfather is the same way. Each distancing themselves from there roots. I'm not sure if it's because of shame or anger or both or more. I fear I am falling into that trap. Each male is disowning their individual backgrounds and taking on a new identity. Why is it that I am the same way? The way I grew up. Each grew up with a male present but not one they respected or even looked up to. None have any pride in who they are. I can't let this continue.
These fears distance me from ever having kids. My father is many things I never ever want to be like. My grandfather the same way. I don't want to have children or even a relationship until I have made myself the man I want to be. So with that said I give up on love, relationships, hopes of marriage, having children of my own, and starting my own family.
I have many things I need to fix at home first. After I fix that I have to be the man that I see myself as. Once these goals are accomplished I can then begin to fathom the possibility of those ideals and dreams listed above.
I think I can...Wait!..NO!...I KNOW I can do this...
-Hazey aka Turtle