Monday, October 26, 2009

The Men, The Cycle, My Dreams

The men, the cycle, my dreams

It's crazy how fathers side of the family works. It seems like my father has entered a vicious cycle that I think I'm doomed to repeat. My father doesn't speak to his father for he doesn't like him. From what I understand my grandfather is the same way. Each distancing themselves from there roots. I'm not sure if it's because of shame or anger or both or more. I fear I am falling into that trap. Each male is disowning their individual backgrounds and taking on a new identity. Why is it that I am the same way? The way I grew up. Each grew up with a male present but not one they respected or even looked up to. None have any pride in who they are. I can't let this continue.

These fears distance me from ever having kids. My father is many things I never ever want to be like. My grandfather the same way. I don't want to have children or even a relationship until I have made myself the man I want to be. So with that said I give up on love, relationships, hopes of marriage, having children of my own, and starting my own family. 

I have many things I need to fix at home first. After I fix that I have to be the man that I see myself as. Once these goals are accomplished I can then begin to fathom the possibility of those ideals and dreams listed above. 

I think I can...Wait!..NO!...I KNOW I can do this...

-Hazey aka Turtle 

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