Saturday, April 30, 2011

ive had quite a bit to drink tonight

with that said lemme speak my mind

lemme say this but umm I'm not a hater but this song is pretty hateful

bitch I fucking hate you

everything about you

your walk
your voice
your talk
to your choice
of who deserves to be in your life
and who don't

im not a hater but i wont
let this hatred consume me
like the red stuff runs through me
your nothing but a memory of yesterday

if i could id erase you
id fucking replace you
and turn everything we had into planes

shoot them down from the sky 
while we smoke and float high
fuck you bitch Im on to better things

you fill my dreams with those things
that remind me of us and of all that i trust
and I cant seem to forget what you said when you left
so I run to the sun and with hope in each step
ill take one last breathe
and say fuck you and everything thats left

so Ill take my chance with you and all of this shit
fuck you bitch
i deserve so much more

bitch I hate you

all thats about you

from your walk
to you talk
to your voice
and your choice

of who stays in your life and goes

im a man of real dreams
and my eyes read the seams
of the stitch in your lies
their right in your eyes

fuck your hopes and your dreams
i know it aint what it seems
im a hater and your just a win

but every lie you once told
it made me so cold
and now im just afraid to forget

the bullshit i heard
and pain i endured
fuck you bitch in my eyes your a bird


Monday, April 25, 2011


im thinking about everything and its tearing at me to think about it
And I know its killing my mum to know and be in the position she is in right now
and all I can do is be strong for the both of you and pray, pray my heart out for you both...

for a long time ive wanted to feel something
and right now in this moment i feel strength
I feel duty, I feel proud, I feel like I have the ground beneath my feet again
its strange...

I don't make promises very often but this one I'm making right now...

I gonna make everything better mum, I'm gonna take care of everything I promise you wont have to worry about money, your health, everything I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT wont have to worry anymore...I promise

Monday, April 18, 2011

when the dust settles

As I write this I admit one thing I am afraid for the worst...
Tomorrow begins my last day on lithium carbonate and my first back to non-daily medication...
I am afraid of turning to the bottle...
alcohol that is...
I don't need a drink everyday...shit I go days at a time with out a drink but when I'm stressing like I am I do what I always do...
talk to God all day long, pray before bed...
and either medicate myself to sleep, smoke marijuana to fall asleep or lay awake in bed all night...
I will say that on a brighter note I officially mailed off my acceptance letter to SUNY Old Westbury in Old Westbury, NY...which means I am declining St Johns wonderful offer...I really wanted to go there but it appears that God has other plans for me...only time will tell how things unfold...

I will be leaving this summer what day I have no idea yet...
I am of course excited to move but fearful of the realizations to come...
I financial troubles here I maybe young but I my problems now...
I know running from your problems won't make them go away they will just follow you...

I really just want to get better...I know there is no such thing as better in my case but you know what I mean...
"One day at a time..."

ps...i REALLY, and I mean really like Gaby...random I know but hey im human...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


On Twitter, yes I have a twitter (,_,#) let the judgement pass(@Haze_da_General), on twitter one of the trending topics is #bittersweet and low and behold you instantly pop into my mind

I said, "I go anywhere in Atlanta and remember what we did we don't even speak #bittersweet"

thus this post is in someway shape or form justified I guess...

because the memory of you is bittersweet...

For, dear Jesus, years now I've been trying to understand your silence.

I think I've put together a loose group of ideas to help me get past it.

1st off you do not want to admit you were wrong or anything you said was a lie or anything you said and or did was not entirely truthful

2nd We could never be just friends at some point the friendship would turn sexual again

3rd You did something after we were done that would make it impossible to even face me in normal conversation

4th You simply just never want to speak to me again, for reason you judge to be apparent and are directly in front of me

I don't know I hope one day we can at least talk even if its from a distance...2 years is a long time...

I dont need to say it...
hmu stranger

Monday, April 11, 2011

Are You Brave Enough

Are you brave enough to follow your heart into the dark
when everything else falls apart
and your left with a broken heart?
Are you brave to stand before me and see me as your man
a man who understands not everything goes according to plan
even when everything fails, you can still hold my hand?
Are you brave enough to believe that love conquers everything
through its distances and tribulation we can we still sing
those same songs we first sang when we were just a fling?
Are you brave enough to trust me even if I have a past
and despite yours somehow can we still manage to grasp
that we are different now and whats left there are in the past?
Are you brave to admit that I'm not perfect and neither are you
that we are both just human and are trying to make it work
Are you brave enough to love me through the hurt???


Sunday, April 10, 2011

this pisses me off so fucking much

When i read this it pissed me off because I went to a for profit school and literally can tell you that everything said is true...

heres the link to original posting on

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm feeling kinda sentimental

I'm kinda emotional today its strange...

anyway if a pictures worth a thousand words then to me this picture is worth 10,000

theres nothing I wouldn't do for these two...we've been through a lot over the years and they've always had my back.

we've grown up alot over the years but I can say with mike having two kids anthony having one and me having none we still party like its 2008!

my friend Mike the one in the middle got married today. I really disagreed but I am a loyal friend and just want to see him happy. With that said I wish him the best of luck in marriage. I'm in shock to be honest...more later 


Friday, April 8, 2011

I Feel Sick

I Feel Sick

I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
Kicking me like a baby who kno I dont want it
I don't brag and don't boast and never flaunted
But everything ive done my dreams seem to be haunted
With memories of you and you and even you
Like a pussy with the flu 
She's fucking dripping blue

I feel sick...

It must be the thought of you
Or even just the cost two
Me and her or him or you
Jealousy isn't my thang
2 years ago you had my brain
I fuck these girls yet sometimes I see you
Somebody tell what fuck to do

I feel sick...

Bad desicions seem to follow me
And people judge men on what they see
And I'm just a man of pride wit pearly white teeth
I got Heart use to pain and fist full of shame
Sadly sometimes I'm just happy you remembered my name

I feel sick...

Take a peak at what I see
Lies and deceit aren't what i see
My hell is fuckin a woman who never peaks
Slamming for hours without even a torn sheet
And she loves to use her teeth
She loves bite me til I bleed
Her twat I can not see
My bloods all over me
Face, hands, chest down to my feet

I feel sick...

Like i said I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
And if you gotta problem you try it if you want it
My will isnt to kill but its not to be tested
The meds don't always work so don't get me vexed bitch...


Thursday, April 7, 2011



Who knew I pulled the trigga
No such thing as an innocent nigga
Legitimate figure
Or jus another picture
Smiling through pain
And laughing at the game
Follow me to belly of the beast
I'm ripping up her vagina 
An I'm coming out her yeast
Folding in her stomach sideways
I'm the baby of her dripping always
Like the trees on fall days
Watch me run rampent
And know me as the evidence
If you run the country well I'm the vice president
Watch me take my residence
Watch me make things will be clearer
The murderer of my heart is the man in the mirror

*gun shot*


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Talk therapy.....

It's over and I'm lost

Well not lost in a sense of devastation but lost in the sense that I don't know what to say or do really because of the situation. Everything she said I was feeling too in all honesty I'm relieved about the situation(because I wanted the break up too) but at the same time I'm confused. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It's almost as if all I do is remind girls of their ex boyfriends(saddest thing I've ever said out loud). I mean during the 8 days,insert outstanding laughter at the shortness of the relationship here, I was with her I did nothing but miss Jessica...

Somethings not right and I'll never know what it is no matter how hard I think about it. I feel like I'm disappointed but even I kno that's not what I feel.

Lord help me make sense of this...

How is it that I get with a girl that I'm not attracted to, I don't even like and have barely any feelings for and come out of the relationship with this awkward sense of disappointment. I don't understand what was I hoping for?? A different outcome than before??? Trust? A real relationship? Not only did I not truly trust her I constantly had negative thoughts about what she was doing when I wasn't around...I mean I don't understand why I was with her other than sex and I was getting that before the relationship so WTF?? I have no answers...not one if I ever tried to explain it to people they wouldn't understand because quite frankly I don't understand...I wish I had answers, but I don't...

I need talk therapy, a lot of it...and God, all of him...


Tuesday, April 5, 2011


So ends another one...yup I'm single sure your thinking when were you not single...lemme put it this way I was with her officially for a 8 mean seriously its kinda funny...if you ask me...but oh well she like so many other girls said one thing and were feeling a completely different thing...In many, well in truth I felt her break up coming and I expected it and in so many words was praying for it. Since we got together I was looking for a way, thats a damn shame right?? I found it funny that while talk to my psychiatrist she told me that I didn't even like her...then she breaks up with me right afterwards...She said she doesnt know what she wants...shes thinking about someone else at night...and those words didnt hurt, tear, rip or even phase me...I guess the doc was right...I hope she is cuz if I see something and it hurts imma be pissed that I feel anything at all...


Friday, April 1, 2011

2 years

2 years 

I'm mad two years later and 6 girls after you I miss your love. I'm mad that after all this time your love finally makes sense and no one elses quite does. I'm upset that it took me two years to realize that more than 50% of what you said was true. That it took 2 years for me to realize that you really did love me. That you too at that point wanted it to last. I'm so sorry, one day I'll forgive myself and I hope one day you can forgive me too.

I still miss you sometimes, I hope I see you again some day sweetheart.



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