Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

I'm feeling kinda sentimental

I'm kinda emotional today its strange...

anyway if a pictures worth a thousand words then to me this picture is worth 10,000

theres nothing I wouldn't do for these two...we've been through a lot over the years and they've always had my back.

we've grown up alot over the years but I can say with mike having two kids anthony having one and me having none we still party like its 2008!

my friend Mike the one in the middle got married today. I really disagreed but I am a loyal friend and just want to see him happy. With that said I wish him the best of luck in marriage. I'm in shock to be honest...more later 

-Haze

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th

Ny

I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.

I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.

I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 15th

Lost in you

I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.

Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today

Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.

On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.

I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.

I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way

Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.

I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.

The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.

The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.

....damn

....

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 20th

The new year is coming

Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.

I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.

I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).

I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.

She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.

Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh

Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post

-Hazey

The Ups of life, and a few of the not so ups

Ladies and Gentlemen I have some good news,

Im headed up to New York, NewYork next month...Im still kinda shocked I booked the flight...but things have changed...

First things first
 the JOB...lol...I gotta raise...to be honest I may have two raises ahead of me...THIS shit just dont normally happen...but it makes me feel good that somethings are getting better after all this time...

second school...
these muhfukahs messed over my paperwork as I have noted earlier...but I am still going to attain my AA so I can get the hell outta GA...for a lil while anyway...

Third
life thus far has been interesting...I met a woman whom is choctaw the opposite tribe to my dads side of the family...that was interesting...oh yeah my aunt whom is 15...yeah I said it...15...added me on facebook...what the hell was i supposed to do? not add her? lol shes younger than me but shes also my dads last step sister...anyway for the most part i don't date anymore I have too much I need to get straight to get caught up...i know that sounds cliche but I'm trying to move to florida, get a club built and used in the next 4 years...at the same time manage a group of musicians to get them off the ground...all the while juggling a job, a car, rent, and COLLEGE!...got damn...

got damnit...

anyway

I turn 21 in less than 90 days!!! im excited yo just thinkin about all this shit...but there is alot of work involved...and I know Im ready...

also im planning on having a party this thanksgiving weekend!...shh tell no one lol

4th and most favorite of them all is im GOING TO NEW YORK! i need this damn vacation...now I can grind with a real goal ahead of me you know!!!

Life is looking up yo...

-Hazey

When God calls and we don't answer

FINE!

I'll say it...she is what I've been needing...I also know she isn't to be held on to forever...I need to focus...she isn't a distraction...she's an outlet...she could absorb all that I am lackin...the problem is I couldn't be faithful..

I've begging for something you took from me, in reference to God, that didn't ever belong to me in the first place...and since you took it from me I've been hurt, sad, confused, uninterested, unfocused, lost, broken...etc....so like the saying goes you took away not to punish me but to give me something better...NOW heres my issue...what you gave I want but at the same time I don't want because I will hurt her...not intentionally but because I am afraid of making the same mistakes as the generation before me...

I don't want her picking up these pieces...

this isn't anybodies job but my own...NO, no man is an island...but sloth is a sin and so is pride...

maybe im feeling my mothers sickness...or maybe it was the alcohol and weed...or a combination of the three...I am afraid to pass on you but I have too...you are so close to what I want...but I just can't...

for months all I wanted was to get over my pain on my own...and for a time I did...for months I tired of being alone...you were offering what I wanted and needed...but in the end I cant do that you to or anyone else...you don't deserve to be my punching bag...

you are my music...

you force me to face myself...

you force me to ask myself the questions I do not want to ask...

you also make me smile...

-Hazey

Pen Pal, Life thus far

I know you are all like WTF??? Lol is this a letter? And why is it typed? lol

YES!..

…So I'm gonna be ur pen pal

Imma start writing you to keep you in the loop so when we talk it ain't so full of gaps. I think it may even help our friendship in the long run... I miss you...

I've been so many places and done so much shit idk where to begin. So last place I remember telling you : christena got married to Kim, Micheal is...still not married to that thing with two kids, shorty dropped off the globe after you left, and quitta text me yesterday lol.

Christena married and a he-she. Yep I said it she married a woman that looks like a man, literally...she even moved to Iowa to live with her and be gay lol. That sounds so mean out loud lmfao! Yeah that shit is still funny to me.

Mike works everyday and comes home to that. I wish there was something I could do for em you know? But he's in a tight spot, I trust God though so he'll get out somehow.

I saw shorty once after you left and heard about her at a party. Shit was strange yo. Small world we live in. Ain't heard shit bout her since.

Oh yeah renaldo removed the wet and wavey shit from his head thank God! No more human torch mess. Cuz that nigga was a Hot mess... Now he's just a mess lol he's go his own place though...I'll give him that thou.

Quitta is my nigglet lol. She had me rolling the other day through text messages. Calling me a hot mess for being in the streets lol. She called me a black baboonie lmfao

Alex is getting into college. Daniels big as hell now. Giving me dap and shit. Anthonys still Anthony lol. I'm throwin a lil party at my house this weekend him and Alex are coming.

I wish you were!!! ('_')

Moms dating and everything which is cool. I told her the minute i hear him say the wrong thing, its me and him no longer you and him...lol...I will say I worry about her...

My dads dating a Hispanic woman!!!!!To be honest I have no idea what to say about this. I will say that I am not surprised that he's dating a Hispanic woman, I am surprised that he is in fact dating. He's becoming himself again. I wish him the best of luck. I love my dad, wow I just said that. It's time that time changed anyway. I gotta say I'm kinda happy for him...

I don't know how to say this but I'm going to Florida. I am going to move up there after I finish college though. I'm gonna try and get some music off the ground out there. I know you think I'm prolly never going to come up there but I AM. I just got somethings to do before I do. New York is where I'd like to live and just live you know? I don't make promises often, and I try to keep it that way, but I promise you Imma come get you one day. Imma find a way to surprise yo ass! Lol

Sabrina I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and I don’t know where I’d be if you …yeah…I also what you to know is that no matter what happens. No matter where you go we looking at the same sky at night.

So how is everything? What's going on? How's New York?

-

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

[Closer to my Dreams- Goapele]

So I'm back in school, I have three classes and one is online. It completely kills my plans to take a third on ground class and evening out my work week.I was originally planning on picking up my second job to help me move easier I will attain my Associates degree next quarter :). So next quarter I will be looking to finally transfer out of this damn place. I love Atlanta and my family and my roots being here. I need to leave tho...

I am ready in my mind to move away, i think. I believe I have pushed myself in the right direction with this whole plan of mine to move to another state. Its thrilling in both good and not so good ways. But I know thats exactly what I need tho, to run at full speed...

A bit more of good news, Its looking like they wont be laying me off. I'm not sure if I explained this but when I took my old job(from high school back) I signed a contract to work there for 5 months. I figured a job is better than no job. I took it and its paying okay I guess. I will say that I always kept that in the back of my mind to find a second job. Well as I explained earlier I am to get my associates degree in one quarter including this one. In order to graduate on time I need all 6 of my next classes for that to happen. I was only set up to have just two classes this term. I added on to make it 3 this quarter and 3 next quarter and be done right? So the two next classes i have to take in order but they are only online ARGGHH...

So this means I can not take the chance of working two jobs and having an online class at the same time as 2 on ground classes. To make it worse is the online class is the last half of the quarter, meanings its scheduled at the same time as mid-terms and finals along with final project and papers. So yeah my idea to have a second job got sliced. My job did however pick up a new account that would change my job from healthcare auditing to customer service for Wellcare the health insurance from Medicare, yeah government funded...

With that said a pay increase may come with it as of August 9th so if anything Lifes getting more interesting by the day...

As far as the home front goes my parents are around to the finalization of there divorce...Everything will be different come 9-29-2010...

My car runs better and better everyday :) love my fuckin car...it may not be the newer mustangs with more horses but she stands out on her own...lol


I've got another lonely weekend this weekend so look for posts...

-Hazey

I remember

so this beginning portion of this post has absolutely nothing to do with my point...so umm yeah enjoy i guess...

I remember a year ago...
I'd be on my way north right now...Listening to music in my car on 285 cruising at 70 up to alpharetta to see you...My stomach was in knots just thinking about you...I miss my sunday drives after work...going far off to north buttfuck atlanta from an area closer to 1-20 than where I was headed...Dodging cops and on coming traffic...I miss going 25 miles to the one person in atlanta that made me feel completely normal...the last one too...lol...damn I love sundays though no lie...Its like family day at my house...we laugh and joke til about 9:00 then I'm the only one up...so yeah I forgot what I was writing about again...
anyway Today is mothers day...

I got my beloved mother a purse...She loved it by the way which is odd because me and my brother just literally grabbed a black purse at macys and bought it last night...slacking I know!..She loved it for three reasons other than we bought it for her on mothers day...It came with an umbrella, she needed a black purse (we had no idea she needed a black purse btw), and she said we had good taste...UMM YEAH...no comment...

I grilled the best dinner on earth today...Grilled New York Style Cuts with yellow rice. The cool part was the kabobs with mango and pineapples with veges...YUM...I shoulda taken a picture but ahh well...I dont live to take pictures I just like to live...anyway Hope you and yours had a wonderful mothers day...

God Bless

-Hazey

bit of new news

So I asked one simple question to someone because it seems as though, that no one wants anything to do with me lately. Why I have no clue. So I asked a good friend one simple question

AM I BORING?

She responds: No just lazy.

Hazey: Lazy?!

"Well idk not lazy just laid back, very content"

When she said that, a light bulb went off. Why is it that women always see me as TAKEN. Most likely because I'm not lounging at their clit when I see them or in better words.I seem TOO CONTENT. Which lead me to believe that my whole issue in the past with women is just that FUCKING SIMPLE. Which now after thinking shit through. When a woman said to me "we kinda like to be lusted after" completely makes sense...

*slap on the forehead*

who knew being content was the problem
-Hazey