the end of a bad month

soooo its been forever since i've written anything or just posted a picture so enjoy

Dre's back in town, and man things is moving like crazy out here

My boy Mike is divorced ALREADY after being married for only 2 and half months he's gotta wait an entire year before all this shit is over

Jessica speaks to me again which is awesome, gotta say i missed hearing from her

i really like Alex more and more,

i feel like Gaby is probably gonna be my next girl

the crew is falling apart cuz im leaving next month

my brother might be moving to chicago to live with my father next year

my car is being left behind in GA and im moving to NEW YORK

i went to the studio this past week and all i wanted to do was produce Dres track like i used to and it killed me to not be able to

im considering joining Peacecorps after I get my BA

my houses waterheater has broken twice in 2 weeks so that means we have no hot water...

the best part about this is, is that my mom is slowly becoming herself again...

i feel blank today...and all i wanna do is smile but right now theres nothing in my heart that says Hassan Smile...

-Hazey

I feel its time

I feel its time that I posted something to explain my behavior recently

I am worried and stressing every single day of my life except after  I've had a drink or puff.

money is tight, everything is in limbo, i got questions and problems with no answers to be found so as of now...right now i put it all in God's Hands...

im supposed to be leaving behind so many of my friends down here in Atlanta and moving to New York July 29th<--- to be honest this is the first time I've actually placed a date on my departure...

God Bless

-Hazey

love and hate

i love the way you walk

but i hate the way you talk

if i flip and make you soft

you quick to cut me off

im feeling kinda lost

no matter the cost

ten toes down

would you still be around

if the money was on the ground

and shit aint taken off

how soon would you get lost

if things weren't so soft

the path life aint easy

but love is never breezy

and it aint to hard to please me

just stick around to squeeze me

and don't ever fuckin leave me

im man of harsh words

and ill kick you to the curb

if only i ever heard

that you did so ill gotten verbs

in short don't be a bird

ill catch ya when its all too late

flash backs in ya mind of our very first date

so chose wisely before its too late

if i love you you'll be a mate

or ill make you study the line of love and hate

-Hazey

when the dust settles

As I write this I admit one thing I am afraid for the worst...
Tomorrow begins my last day on lithium carbonate and my first back to non-daily medication...
I am afraid of turning to the bottle...
alcohol that is...
I don't need a drink everyday...shit I go days at a time with out a drink but when I'm stressing like I am I do what I always do...
talk to God all day long, pray before bed...
and either medicate myself to sleep, smoke marijuana to fall asleep or lay awake in bed all night...
I will say that on a brighter note I officially mailed off my acceptance letter to SUNY Old Westbury in Old Westbury, NY...which means I am declining St Johns wonderful offer...I really wanted to go there but it appears that God has other plans for me...only time will tell how things unfold...

I will be leaving this summer what day I have no idea yet...
I am of course excited to move but fearful of the realizations to come...
I financial troubles here I maybe young but I my problems now...
I know running from your problems won't make them go away they will just follow you...

I really just want to get better...I know there is no such thing as better in my case but you know what I mean...
"One day at a time..."

ps...i REALLY, and I mean really like Gaby...random I know but hey im human...
-Haze

I'm feeling kinda sentimental

I'm kinda emotional today its strange...

anyway if a pictures worth a thousand words then to me this picture is worth 10,000

theres nothing I wouldn't do for these two...we've been through a lot over the years and they've always had my back.

we've grown up alot over the years but I can say with mike having two kids anthony having one and me having none we still party like its 2008!

my friend Mike the one in the middle got married today. I really disagreed but I am a loyal friend and just want to see him happy. With that said I wish him the best of luck in marriage. I'm in shock to be honest...more later 

-Haze

Another

So ends another one...yup I'm single again...lol...im sure your thinking when were you not single...lemme put it this way I was with her officially for a 8 days...lol...i mean seriously its kinda funny...if you ask me...but oh well she like so many other girls said one thing and were feeling a completely different thing...In many, well in truth I felt her break up coming and I expected it and in so many words was praying for it. Since we got together I was looking for a way, thats a damn shame right?? I found it funny that while talk to my psychiatrist she told me that I didn't even like her...then she breaks up with me right afterwards...She said she doesnt know what she wants...shes thinking about someone else at night...and those words didnt hurt, tear, rip or even phase me...I guess the doc was right...I hope she is cuz if I see something and it hurts imma be pissed that I feel anything at all...

-Hazey

difficult

its difficult for me to come here and give you run down of recent events so I guess I'll just start over...

I have been accepted to both of my schools in applied to in New York and I will be moving soon. Things have become surreal. Life is headed in a direction down a hallway I never saw coming. Somewhere I took a right turn and I can't see my next step in front of me. I have a plan but I know better than to believe that my plan can be stuck to...

I am feeling some kinda way about my best friend right now but I must say its kinda outta place for me to feel that way. She, as well as i, do this thing where when we start talking to someone we kind of stop talkin to each other for a while. Now I know when I find someone Im gonna do the same shit and she might feel the way I feel right now. So I guess its just the way me and her relationship will always be...


My college loans payment are beginning payments next month...I'm feelin some typa way about that too...

Two of my closet friends are getting married and they want me to be there...I am not sure what to about this whole moving thing and their weddings. One is getting married on the 9th and thats the day I am going up to New York to look for a job. Never mind my personal feelings towards his bride to be I feel some typa way about him marring her. Although my feelings mean nothing in the situation he's my best friend and I want the best for him. She is the mother of his children, plural,one of these kids is still being determined that is his. Like I said I want the best for my best friend and as his best friend I feel like he is selling himself short...

back t to the topic of my best friend(female)...

Im not a hater, Im not the jealous type either...BUT I HATE seeing her and this guy being lubby-dubby all over twitter and facebook. It makes me wanna throw up to be honest...

I quit smoking weed and everything else minus alcohol...lol...i make this sound worse than what it was but I swear if you lived here you'd be amazed at what i've avoided living in what used to be a nice neighborhood and community...

I work monday-friday, I am thankful to have a job but I hate my fucking job...

I'm on lithium-Carbonate...look it up if you wanna know what it is for. My Crazy Doc, as I call her, raised the doasge lately and took my off of abilify...im not sure ive said this before but oh well.. She put me on this LiCa and its just now beginning to make a difference...


this is all for now...
pCe
-Hazey

New York, New York

I got my acceptance letter as of Friday...I'm still in shock of everything I'm excited, I'm hype, I'm happy but I can not lie...I am scared...I was accepted by St. Johns University in Queens, New York. Man...blows my mind just thinking about this whole thing. I'm moving to New York. A whole different lifestyle...I'm excited but I'm worried about home...I'm worried about adjusting to a new life...I gotta scholarship to help with tuition...I'm still waiting to hear back from the other school...I finally feel like my life has direction again...its strange knowing where you are headed...like i don't know how to prepare myself or even what to think...

idk...things are still in the air...

Imma keep it in Gods hands and keep my heart there as well...

til next time...

-Hazey

The truth behind the words

They say you shouldn't give a shit about what other people think. They say that because dwelling on anothers thoughts is evil and in many ways a sin. 

I know first hand what dwelling on anothers thoughts can do to a person. It can destroy a person from the inside out. The thoughts of another person are theirs and theirs alone. The focusing on and dwelling upon those thoughts can lead to mistrust, doubt, anger, hatred, and usually unhappiness. 

I remember thinking about what she was thinking and wondering why can't she stop thinking about that? My focus wasn't on her but on her thoughts. My focus wasn't on making her happy it was on eradicating those thoughts she was having which in everyway back fired.

To the next one this mistake won't be repeated. Whenever that maybe...

Anyway I forgot the point of this who page of information was truly about.

Later
-Hazey 

The Evil thoughts and The Sermon

Evil Thoughts

Was it a mistake to say a thing to you?

I try to have faith but it slips and fades

throughout the day I show a different shade

I love you and you know it too

say it back but are your words true?

Do you understand what I feel

Do you understand what is real

Things that seem the same sometimes change

I know I said I don't expect anything

But would a text from you really mean anything?

a phone call or letter

talking about sex or even the weather

which is better?

a best friend who is unpredictable

or a lover whom isn't really believeable

damn...

-Hazey

Love is

The theme for this year is Love, Irony.

The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.

The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.

"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."

First Corinthians 13:1-7

Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5   

Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5      

Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6 

Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1  

God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.  

What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be

To the forgotten

To whom that may have forgotten

You have moved to another state. Found a new significant other. Basically began a new life with your own family. I ain't mad, shit in all honesty good for you cuz you were doing nothing but holding us back and holding yourself back. Even more. Now you are free to do whatever your heart pleases and be as irresponisble as you want to be.

First I'd like to thank you for teaching me distrust. That was probably the easiest thing for a young boy to learn about the people around him. Simple don't trust any of them and keep them away. So for many years that's all I ever did was keep people away. Second I wanna thank you for teaching me to pass judgement. Probably the third easiest thing for me to learn. Everyone is bad and wants to cause you harm. Pretty easy concept. Third I wanna thank you for teaching me the second easiest thing I've ever learned, that the first two applied to you. Your words are blades and your inheritly a bad person. My own flesh and blood...

Your other son could use some guidance. Your abscense in the crucial years can be the difference between life and death...I love him and I can't do it alone.
-Hazey


Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

New Thoughts

Now that I am fully aware, I have new questions about going forward. I mean I knew I had issues before: deep trusting issues, constant reassurance, and some other odd ends. But now that I am fully aware of this*clears throat* disorder, what changes? How do I tell women this? I mean would any relationship ever work if I have this disorder? Can I continue to be successful if I can manage to get this under control? I'm confused about what happens now...

Now that I look back at things, the fights with loved ones, I can see that things weren't as they appeared in my eyes. All I can say now is, where to next? Can I have a relationship and it work? Is it possible? Or is it just going to be the same uphill battle? These thoughts are discouraging but not deal breakers...

Sent from my iPod
-Hazey

from the soul

Dear...you...

when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?

Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...  

I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...

Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...

I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...

My simple question:

From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?

-HaS

Facing my facts

Nothing is set in stone if you don't leave Jan 1st it's okay...you just have to make sure that you set ur ducks in line and keep them on track from that point on...March 1st maybe the move...shit June 1st if necessary but all the while you HAVE TO GET YOUR SPENDING UNDER CONTROL...period

Your gonna face set backs and push back which is fine...but giving up completely is just reinforcing what you have already found...that you can't devote yourself to anything...therefore you have no passion...so find it...

...2 weeks later...

as of today the school screwed over my paperwork...so yeah...im glad i caught myself before finding out this bit of information...

Updates soon...

-Hazey

this is a horrible thing to feel

i looked back at some posts i made in 2009 and 2008 much to my surprise considering i rarely ever read what i write...and i began reading some of the things i said...deep things...things that i wish i never said...much less published to the world...

i feel, stupid, niave, childish, immature, and kind of ashamed...mostly at how stupid I was to get myself all worked up about something that just wasn't meant to be...

#2) Nothings feels worse than the moment in an argument that you realize you were wrong

hoping for things we can't have is however human...

i guess...


better news on the way...
-Hazey

in life there are only animals

truly there are only animals watch...

you can slither like a snake(suit n tie) or run with the wolves(shoot n ride)...
stand like the bear(warrior) or charge like the bull(villian)...
ravage with the sharks(intellectual) or die like fools(pigs)...

-Hazey

When God calls and we don't answer

FINE!

I'll say it...she is what I've been needing...I also know she isn't to be held on to forever...I need to focus...she isn't a distraction...she's an outlet...she could absorb all that I am lackin...the problem is I couldn't be faithful..

I've begging for something you took from me, in reference to God, that didn't ever belong to me in the first place...and since you took it from me I've been hurt, sad, confused, uninterested, unfocused, lost, broken...etc....so like the saying goes you took away not to punish me but to give me something better...NOW heres my issue...what you gave I want but at the same time I don't want because I will hurt her...not intentionally but because I am afraid of making the same mistakes as the generation before me...

I don't want her picking up these pieces...

this isn't anybodies job but my own...NO, no man is an island...but sloth is a sin and so is pride...

maybe im feeling my mothers sickness...or maybe it was the alcohol and weed...or a combination of the three...I am afraid to pass on you but I have too...you are so close to what I want...but I just can't...

for months all I wanted was to get over my pain on my own...and for a time I did...for months I tired of being alone...you were offering what I wanted and needed...but in the end I cant do that you to or anyone else...you don't deserve to be my punching bag...

you are my music...

you force me to face myself...

you force me to ask myself the questions I do not want to ask...

you also make me smile...

-Hazey

Break-Even

Break Even

A lesson from this quarter past...Lesson on Breaking Even...
In business companies may have some areas that they are losing money. Breaking Even means the where revenue and the expenditures meet on a graph where no money is lost nor is it gained...

A song just came on about Breaking Even, relationship wise, by the script. Whom made a song called the man who can't be moved...

Here's where school and real life meet in my head...

Hearts do not break even. Nope not at all. Divorces are nastier. Luckily it wasn't a divorce...

She got over it much faster than you did...and that's okay...you took much more from that break up than she did...so what if it hurts you more or less...it doesn't matter...even if she cared a little bit would it really make any of this any easier? Actually no...you wanna say yes...but your biased...so fuck it...

It's time you took that huge heart breaking loss and learn from it. Might as well get a reward out of your pain...

moving on is strange...

Because everyone leaves behind something they once wanted...

Learn from it...and keep it as a lesson learned and a blessing...from what I hear china has a shortage of women...

-Hazey

the very thought

The very thought of you makes me wanna roll up one and smoke you away....

I think that thinking of you gives me a reason to continue my habit...

I've tried all the things I will allow myself to get you out of my head and honestly none have worked...

smoking only makes it worse...

come to think about it all I've been doing since then is trying to forget some shit I will never forget...

which takes me back to my first thought...

The Very Thought of You makes me wanna Roll Up one and Smoke you away....

-Hazey

Updates

Online classes have begun and Midterms are over...My new job at my old job, I actually like...It is challenging but I like a good challenge its a healthy one I will say...There are still talks of a raise which would be so FUCKING AWESOME :)...

I played another night of Beer Pong hahaha I miss Julian(this is a women btw) and Alan, Dre, everybody man...Hopefully I get to chill with Julian out in Orlando even though her and Alan broke up seeing them both would be cool...

Speaking of Women

I have a new person in my life that I can not say is significant but quite puzzling hahaha...Her Name is dubbed Ms. C not for confusing but that is her codename. Shes 28 as of wednesday no her name isn't dubbed Ms. C cuz she's a cougar HAHAHHAHAHAH....but I will say that she often tells me she feels like a cougar for asking me for my number...She constantly tells me I AM A BABY, yet continuously molests me for hours on end on her couch...puzzling right? She says we can't date because I'm so young yet says we've been on two dates already...none of this has she bothered to confirm with me...now every guy is like what are the real details...Short, 38DD, big butt redbone black girl...no kids, her own car, job, apartment...now my boys tell me thats a GO!!! Hit it and keep her on the team...But sadly I don't want her like that...I know that knowing her and going all the way will happen, me and her cant be just friends...especially since she came to me...not me to her...but its all good i keep my distance...she seems cool but she aint someone I want to keep around...i can tell she would be fun to keep around but my gut's telling me to keep it moving, something don't smell right...and no she doesn't stink...she smells kinda nice actually lol...but my gut says somethings not right sounds like a trap...lol...idk She said we should go to hilton head in your car ill pay for the trip, but we wont be having sex and thats it for one day...why do I run into crazy people??? my car has 150,000 miles on it, its a Ford...and why on earth would i commit to driving for 4 hour there and 4 hours back all in one day...she's paying right? NO she aint bout to kill me for looking at other women!!! 

***

A lady hit my fucking car this past week, minor dent really...im over it already...and I am now the manager of M.O.ET....moving to Orlando is becoming more and more apparent...I wish I knew what to say but I don't...other than I'm excited out my mind but at the same time scared my family is about to fall apart... 

My parents divorce has also be finalized...i guess my dads seeing someone lately, my mom is too...I wonder if in the future they look back on this and regret it? I will say that growing up I saw it coming but regret I could never see... 

Life is getting better and better everyday I guess...now if I can just keep it all together in my head maybe shit will make sense to me one day...

-Hazey