When God calls and we don't answer

FINE!

I'll say it...she is what I've been needing...I also know she isn't to be held on to forever...I need to focus...she isn't a distraction...she's an outlet...she could absorb all that I am lackin...the problem is I couldn't be faithful..

I've begging for something you took from me, in reference to God, that didn't ever belong to me in the first place...and since you took it from me I've been hurt, sad, confused, uninterested, unfocused, lost, broken...etc....so like the saying goes you took away not to punish me but to give me something better...NOW heres my issue...what you gave I want but at the same time I don't want because I will hurt her...not intentionally but because I am afraid of making the same mistakes as the generation before me...

I don't want her picking up these pieces...

this isn't anybodies job but my own...NO, no man is an island...but sloth is a sin and so is pride...

maybe im feeling my mothers sickness...or maybe it was the alcohol and weed...or a combination of the three...I am afraid to pass on you but I have too...you are so close to what I want...but I just can't...

for months all I wanted was to get over my pain on my own...and for a time I did...for months I tired of being alone...you were offering what I wanted and needed...but in the end I cant do that you to or anyone else...you don't deserve to be my punching bag...

you are my music...

you force me to face myself...

you force me to ask myself the questions I do not want to ask...

you also make me smile...

-Hazey

GOT FUCKIN DAMNIT!

GOT-DAMN-IT!
seriously...

I wanna severe ties with you but I can't
I'm not that kind of person.
I did it once and they are still around...
So I'm pretty sure it won't work with you...
you make me feel guilty beyond reason about everything!
You make me feel like I'm tainting you...
Like I'm pure evil and you are pure innocence...
I'm sick of this game....
I want out...

then again...I'd be kind of lonely without you...

so I say nothing and let things be as they are...

-Hazey

My frustrations when it comes to you

Okay so I have to say I've kept you a bit of secret when it comes to my life so far. It seems as though at every turn I either feel guilty or feel like a complete asshole in regards to you. So heres to you

Ladies in Gentlemen I've entered theVoid once again....

Deep down I ask myself daily why are you in my life? Why did I decide to hang out with you back in January? Why do you scare me, not emotionally but in every other way? What is it about you that I don't want? What is it about you that I do? Why can't I just cast all these gut feelings deep within me and just do what ever and live for the moment?

I've got a few answers...

You and I are alike. So alike it scares me. I won't ever love you in reality you are the parts of me that I can't stand, that I hate, that I need to shed from the man I want to become.


You and I are alike. So alike it scares me. I will always love you in reality you are the parts of me that I stand for, that I love, that I could never lose and must keep in order to become the man I know I will become.

YOU....I...my heart won't allow myself to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Like you said I'm damaged... I know we are just friends and maybe thats what's so hard for me, never mind I drew the lines in the sand...I've crossed that line twice now maybe even three or more times if I truly think about things....

You bring out the portions of me that I know I need to change. You complain alot, which bothers me not, shit if it did I'd do something about it right? You bring out the piece of me that I call the demon. The beast within me that needs to be destoryed or at the least caged. You've called me the devil...to be honest no words have ever rang so violently in my head. You call me evil everyday, you want my affection which I give sparingly.

Lets be real here one day you and I will part ways and you'll find what you are truly looking for, and I pray you do. I ain't right for you, which I partly why I'm so distant. My signals of dismissal aren't to hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want make you feel what I feel. Yet everyday all I do is, well what it appears to me, make you feel exactly that.

You don't need this, you don't deserve this...I wish I didn't,__insert words that aren't pleasant or in the form of good will to my fellow (wo)man and other things__, everyone and everything I touch...

Growth is inevitable and change is a must, through God all things are possible...

-Hazey