Wednesday, June 30, 2010

new beginning

Lately my efforts at times seem scattered like they arent focused. My dreams and imagination take me to wild places. My fantansies you wouldn't believe! But its a new start for me, which is what everything is starting to look like. My last 12 months have been crazy but its got me headed in an interesting direction so it seems. My current aspiration is to move to florida and do music with dre and al. I am sure my mom is lookin at me like GOD thank you HE HAS A PLAN...good now get there and make no excuses, I will not accept failure from you. LOL. I'm only 20 I have time. For everything want to do with my life, I will, one way or another. I got some plans in mind and I can feel that I'm about to walk the craziest path of all.

My latest slogan is:
If it wasn't about you then it aint about you now so what is more important than the now? The now leads to the future the thought doesn't...Pay Attention...

My previous slogan was STERICUS ACCIDIT meaning shit happens...yeah that explains the last two years up in just two words...damn...LOL...funny aint it?..that how shit happens when you can't explain any way I'm out...

yeah I forgot...Did I mention the pep in my step these days? yeah I'm busier these days, I'm stuck in cubical telephone hell, my job...So that said my posts might lag a little til things balance out...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Freeda Um

This a song i'm workin on I hope it makes to the air waves one day...I aint looking for stardom or fame or to be the best just a little recognition and some faithful fans would be nice...

Dear Freeda Um....

Like the famed bird I sing in a cage
I come from the land of the free the home of brave
Land of green trees and the home of the slave
Where a man's greens face is for what I crave
Break your back and show no pain show no shame
My dreams of losing it all is nightmare in my days
Every night we pray for a better way
Skins dark eyes brown name Islamic some say
"Is that an American name?" I'm sorry what did you say?
My family's historys been erased both sides I must say
Foreignors look at us for lost and sinned up in our ways
Honor is a forgotten virtue of what we claim
But in this land virtues are pointless, most adopt our ways
Change your clothes, change your tongue, while you at it grow some waves...
be it corn rolls, dreadlocks or fades no matter what fuck what they say
Freeda Um just to have you what a price we had to pay...

Freeda Um Freeda Um Freeda Um Freeda Um
let this weed burn on ya tongue
green is what we need yet we form some
just to get a little taste of whats to come
Freeda Um


Friday, June 25, 2010


Sorry for bringing this up...

honestly I feel like im it crazy to just miss a person???


From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time
I do not feel betrayed
I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)
Missing everything about you...
asking myself would I ever hear from you again...
asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...
asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...
I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?
at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...
instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...
so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...



Monday, June 21, 2010

How funny life is

Fear can do more damage than it can spare...
Avoidance can make it harder to avoid what you have been avoiding all along...
Caring can somehow turn into not giving a rats ass...
Imagination can turn into inspiration...
Navigating life with a plan can prove fruitless at times...
Gaining what we have been searching for our entire lives can be difficult...

My biggest fears were causing me to avoid the things I cared so much about that my imagination was somehow navigating me back to gaining what I've been dying to reach.
Yet I feel like I am so far away from you...

For some reason it seems like my entire life is a joke, a lie, a story that literally would have you laughing or crying from page one to last sentence.
Every now and then though it seems like God shows me he has never forgotten about me when it feels like others have
Actually, I take that back, once a day I think God shows me that he is God.
Remembering that is hard
So with that said this wednesday I will get a call from FullSail about school...I've never been more scared to pursue my dreams in my life...

If you understand me and my real  post please comment...understanding is literally all I ever want...


Thursday, June 10, 2010


It's 12:20 on a friday morning,


I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...


My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.


We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit

If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.


I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...


I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.


I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess


Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dear Love,

Dear Love

Even if you don't give a shit. Even if I mean nothing to you at all. I don't care. You moved on, in many ways I guess sometimes so have I. The pain i felt from you have long healed. Although with every scar comes a story. I'm proud of all of them. Some minor, some more harsh. They've made me a person for them existing. And no matter how you feel about it, we may not speak or even see each other, I know that I still to this day miss the hell outta you. I hope your life is making you smile, kinda like mine does at times.



I'm breaking my silence and giving you guys a sneak peak at whats to come...Enjoy

how did you turn anger in to silence
confusion into clear cut brilliance
somebody explain to me 
why is it that he 
father to him and me
the betrayer
the perpetrator
of the story told by 3
with hopes I shall see
my dreams come to bloom
like trees burned in the room
the smoke can only consume
the given space of whom
you can assume
that doors closed
time heals all wounds
the thoughts were for those
why do I think you left my heart exposed
so to you it has been closed
sympathy is a form of trust
so watch and heed my words
they tend to fly like birds
it seems the situation
has restored my patience
road is tuff and seems taken
im moving forward and thats blatened
futures callin and I refuse to keep it waiting

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I don't know about anybody else but this post scared the shit outta me...
then I literally thought about everyone and anybody I don't talk to...
To inform you im str8!(meaning I have no one to worry about!)

its from

The photo


Friday, June 4, 2010

i've been gone for sometime now, I know, i know I'll be back I got some things cookin I'll fill you in soon enough...

have a listen for a lil bit...

Aight I'll give you a peek of whats to come...
Life has taken a turn down a road I was not prepared for but I'm happy with it...

And my good writing is comin real soon I think you'll like it...
until then

bezzy, one


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

thoughts on arguing

"The couple that fights the most is the one most in love... it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring." - Sabrina Bamberger, aka my biffl, lol that word is funny soundin

These words for some reason make so much damn sense...



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