Breaking the silence

I posted something that I literally and most likely probably should never have posted, spilled milk.

For a little over a year now I've been dealing with some obvious emotional issues right?

well here it goes, we haven't spoken in over a year now. I have a class with you and from what I learned from the past is that maybe I should just be silent. Say nothing and not hinder your life or mine with things that don't matter. You are happier now, i think. Things in your life are falling into place and in mine as well. Of course since you i've dated many people along the way and I am sure you have too.

Bringing up old scars and wounds probably isn't the best for you at this moment anyway. I'm getting my associates degree in december, God willing and transferring anywhere I wish to. You have grown and changed and so have I.

Everyday I see you and say nothing its not cuz I'm mad or scorned or even vengeful...its quite the contrary. I hold my tongue because I don't wanna mess anything in your life up. I literally DO NOT want to mess up any of the things you have worked so hard for. From experience I know, when it comes to you, I am not a good person to re-introduce into your life.

Though even with all that said,  I still miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss your stories, I miss your companionship, and all that good clean stuff. Don't get me wrong the dirty is missed but can be lived without.

My frustrations aren't with you, or the situation, its with the outcome...

I lost a really good friend and it bothers me everyday....

-Hazey

Unforgettable

I know I shouldnt
I know good and gotdamn well I shouldnt but I can't fight this much longer

Damn I miss ya

yes yes I miss ya

I miss ya

I'm jus dieing to kiss ya

I'll do what ever it takes just to get ya

what ever I gotta do just to never split with ya

ill take everything I own and trade it all just to be wit ya

and all I ask for in return is the truth when you wit me

baby your unforgettable and I just wanted you and me to be

and at the end of the night all I hope is that

you think of me

all I hope is that

You think of me

all I hope is that

You think of me

cuz I'm tryna be unforgettable.....

>>>[Unforgettable- Drake and Jeezy]<<<

Never thought a spark could cause a war, I know I shouldn't, and I'm not tryna start any trouble...

but damnit I fuckin miss you....

-Hazey

OUCH...6-26-10

Sorry for bringing this up...


honestly I feel like im crazy...is it crazy to just miss a person???


OUCH...6-26-10

From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time

I do not feel betrayed

I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)

Missing everything about you...

asking myself would I ever hear from you again...

asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...

asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...

I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?

at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...

so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...

*sigh*...damn...

-Hazey

A weeks summary

This past week was interesting I'll say. I really wanted and even tried to reach out to those I've lost contact with. I went to church again, lol :]. So here's last week in the nut shelll

• I didn't get a car yet,
• I did however find a 76 camaro that I seriously am feigning for. Its a beautiful car. I have a few obstacles that I'd have to hurdle first with that car.
• I am still car shopping.
• I did however get some good news
  

I was so very frustrated with life itself. I know everyone has their own troubles but here are mine.


I was a part time worker who bust his ass 4-5days 35 hours a week for nearly 4 years for the few things he has to his name. A full time student,no children,no debt and most importantly no criminal record. I had a car that I used to work at that point I hated my job but so very grateful for it considering so many people out of work now. I was hoping since last year to get a decent tax return and be able to either upgrade to a newer car or fix all the problems I had with lucy. I get into a car accident and everyone throws me under the bus(I didn't however hit a bus, I hit fucking X5 BMW's biggest motor vehicle), I'm not a demon to the world, I work, I love, I laugh, I study(to a degree that best suits me lol), I attempt to stay on my path going in the direction that I see fit. The insurance company wont cover anything WHATSOEVER, My job wont do SHIT FOR ME, and im not sure if this lady will sue. I just recently got the police report and it further confirms that the accident was not my fault. So im guessing you are wondering WTF is the damn problem?

• I lost my means of transportation to and from school.
• and when you live outside 285 its hard to catch a bus considering that don't run anywhere near my house
  
• meaning I no longer have a job
• meaning i have no money to do anything making me completely dependent!
• with no money to really buy a car im using what money i have from school and my taxes to find an inexpensive car but there's one issue with that

I have less than 3 grand. When you are shopping for a car under 3 grand its a dice roll. The chances of me finding a car that runs well and lasts long enough for me to find a new job is less than that of finding a car that wont just die on me the next morning. So with that said I'd been pretty frustrated all week considering I didn't ever see this coming, I have limited resources to get on my feet with. Especially since I pictured myself else where instead of where I am, so yes I was!

Then a good friend of mine said some kind words to me that reminded me of a familiar comfort. Anyway she said, you know itll work itself out and you'll get back on your feet soon. So yesterday,saturday, I saw the wonderfully beautiful camaro that looks just like bumble bee from transformers(not the new one the old one :] ) I saw it. Horrible interior! but 55,000 miles on the dash board, new intake, new engine basically, black on black with big tires on new rims.

Now on friday I had my lucy dropped off at my house, shes still fucked up and can only see out of one head light :/. I realized I could do a few things because when I was younger I was a bit of a gear head. I still to this day love cars and want to build one from the chassis up. I realized I have all of lucy's parts. I can move my cd player, my pioneer speakrs, I had a custom steering wheel in my room from my best friend mike, and I can send the fabric for the seats to my aunt and have her fix them for me.

ONE BIG Problem! no job to fill her up and keep insurance on her. I wen and filed for unemployment this week. From the looks of it. I should get it! Pero Nada Seguro!"nothings certian" I learned that the hard way! So if I can wait a week and cross myfingers that he doesnt sell her, I might be able to find a job or get a check from the DOL and be on my feet very soon!

Now before I got all excited I have to continue looking for cars because if he sells the car, im going to me pissed..lol and a lil heartbroken.

Now with that said my brothers basketball game was hilarious! We had signs, team cheering, we even boo'd the opposite team btw their 13-14. It was fun. I managed to accomplish a lot more than I thought this week.

As of next quarter I will no longer be a criminal Justice major. I'm changing my damn major again! :] I'm gong back to my heart, my soul, my passion, my life. Music. I know I know there are soooo many people that want to do music nowadays. I am not them though. I don't want fame, I don't want fortune. I want to complete that list on the RIGHT hand side over there thats it. If God blesses me with more than its a blessing(lol).

Anyway I went out on saturday again. I went to La rumba again. I had fun, of course, just someone crossed my mind. I've been wanting to call them so badly. Not to reestablish anything, not to start anything, but just because I miss them genuinely. I want them to be apart of my life. Shit happens and I can't be mad at them for the path that is their life. I texted them today, they never replied. You would take that as a hint right? They want nothing to do with me, or they were busy!(see benefit of the doubt). I don't know if its that I wish everyday that I heard from them or that it bothers me from a place deep down that I don't hear from them at all. Everyone has their own life and I completely understand that. Shit I forget to call people every day. I don't want them to commit anytime to speaking to me or even think I want them to speak to me everyday, everyweek, every month...NO! Once in a blue moon would just be nice. I miss them, and just wanna see how they are doing.

Aside from all this frustration to get back to being the man I should be, I am happier everyday. I won't lie I get mad, I get stressed, I get down, but I can't lie I am so very much happier deep down from this whole ordeal.

my parting words

to any woman who isn't reminded everyday
you are beautiful and everyway
you are a jem, precious but not a prize
love only those who love you with sinless eyes
open hearts, and honest words out and inside
You are a storm, power in its finest hour; an overcast
you make it rain, and I'm not talking about a rappers cash
not even the weather channel can predict that
-Hazey

Updates later
-Hazey

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in such a long time... Damn I missed days like this...

Seriously it's like today was the day I transitioned from being a boy to the man that I will one day become. I'm prideful, heartfilled and my head is clear. My shoulders are back and my eyes focused.

Today I went to starship headquarters, bunch of freaks geeks and weirdos in that mothafucka(hahahah) gotta say it was a waste of time but the day was awesome. I mean after basically taking a math test for a job that would later inform me that they had no open positions available, I felt good. Me and Jb came back from Eastpoint and kicked it with the dominincans. Well Justin and troy got into a fight. Yeah Justin didn't really lose Troy hit him all of once, but he had Justin leakin everywhere. Hood shit ye digg, right after Troy claims his bullshit ass win they smoke a blunt and things are cool. Well not really we basically all chill and everythings good you know? Me, jb, Justin, and anthony we all chill cop a few grams for ant and keep it moving. One of my other exes, Sarai wants me to come chill and burn one with her. It's all good ye digg, I hadn't chilled with niggas up the block in years. I kick it with her and her brother whom I've never met...lol...well til today. He was cool, I gotta say I ain't hard to get along with (as long as emotions aren't involved). So she tells me she has a friend for me...lol...it's days like this that make a man laugh so very hard from such a wonderful place inside. Anyway we chill I head back to the house and tesha hitting me up talkin bout her ex boyfriend woke her saying the following and I quote "your phones in the woods, your shits in the van I'm taking you to the gas station and leaving you there...diiiiaaaabbbbllloooooo!!! So I'm still hype off the fight from earlier in the day and kickin ass is something a niggas itching for! Real talk Joe! So I tell her call me in two hours. She gets around to calling me three hours later. Now understand this girl has been through some shit in her life. She has no one anymore. This mothafucka leaves her at a gas station with no phone and no money. I don't care what she did, stranding her like that will not look good when you are finally judged by the Lord. Anyhow l go back to mikes and eveyone is there. It's so great to see Dee, Karen, Judy, Rachel, Micheal, Justin, Andrew and Miguel in the same place at yeah same time. I won't lie with the death of Mrs. Karen it's a tragedy that brought more unity to this family than had been missing for a while. I will pay my respects on Friday morning. It's crazy yo because they are my second family they treat me like one of there own. They feed me when I'm there every time. That entire family never has a negative thing to say about me, and the same goes from me to the world and within.
I come home and things have finally fallen into place about how they should be. My mother is sleeping and finally thinking clearly, my brother is being a young man he's speaking up and talking so much more. I swear I love that kid like he were my kid at times. I see so much potential in him it's crazy. You know recently he talks to me more he even kicks it with the Vasquez household and everything. I swear he makes me smile. 

Now to myself, hahah, well as for me. I can say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I am going to get where I want to be. I have let everything pile on me and let them cloud my thoughts. I've finally figured out who Hassan Omar Jr is. I hVe finally faced my demons about myself and are fighting them one by one day by day. No things aren't great or wonderful. Yes there are plenty of sleepless nights but I'm back to being happy. For the first time in my life I'm not ashamed of who I am and where I'm going and where I came from. Yes I come from basically nothing. My parents worked themselves up to where they are. I will do the same because I know if they can do it I can do it so much better. New York, I'm still aiming for you!


-1
-Hazey    

Dear Jess,

Dear Jess,

Incase you haven't noticed I tend to write you alot. I don't know I guess speaking to you keeps me sane. Anyway I wanted to inform you on life itself. I don't know if you'll ever write me but I wish you did or would. Anyway my dad is back in Chicago he drove up there. I gotta say from this whole ordeal with him I've realized so much about myself and the things you used to say to me, they make so much more sense now. It's crazy.

I wanna give you a cohesive thought. I can't for some reason,my thoughts are so far beyond scattered it's driving me crazy. So here's my best attempt...

It's like everyday I have a piece of you make more and more sense than it did a year ago and I wanna tell you but I never can. Like I understand we have two separate lives and you have alot on your plate. Believe me I understand that better than most. I wanna see you not to make you feel anything or do anything but because I like seeing you. No offense but sometimes I get the feeling you just don't want to see me, for whatever reason you may have and I can understand and respect that.

Since I can never see you really I write you alot. I don't have anybody really. I can't look up to anyone and I can't look to anyone for help anymore. I guess the thought of your set of ears listening is still a comfort to me. I'm not sure if you ever find yourself writing me but I write you quite often. You changed my life and seriously can not for the life of understand why you think I don't and didn't appreciate what you did for us and me. I wanna say thanks for trying so very hard to stick by myside for as long as you did. Yes I do and did appreciate every last thing that you ever did for me and us. Literally I saw it then and I see it even more now. My apologies may be so empty now but I'm sorry we didn't last as long as you would have hoped and liked. I saw then how hard you tried to reassure me that all you wanted was me. I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be the man that you can have. As hard as you tried I'm sorry it amounted to nothing at all. Thanks for trying, thanks for being there, thanks. I also wanna say thank you for understanding and helping me through my depression. You didn't have to do any of the things that you did for me. You did them because you wanted to.

This whole ordeal with my father has made me see and understand alot about myself. The reason I do things, or say them a certain way. There are alotta things I wanna do to better myself. I have a long way to go but when I get there I'll be a better man for it. The things I put you through, I...well they were the way my father reacted to things. It's crazy because I hate being just like him. Through this whole ordeal I wished so much that I had you physically next to me. I missed you the most. Although through this situation I realized why you're not here to begin with. I miss you all the time. I also know that nothing I do nor say will ever change anything between us and the world.

It hurts me just as well as it hurts you. I know you wanted us to last. I'm sorry I pushed you to make that decision when you speficially requested that I not make you choose. I let you down, I let you down many times. I obsessed over things that weren't worthy of obsessing over, I pushed you away and broke your heart. You didn't deserve any of that. You deserved my trust and I never truly gave it to you along with so many broken promises. Yes believe me I understand, and I'm sorry.

There are some other things that I learned about myself but I'll save that for another letter. I kinda like having something to talk to you about anyway :P. You...you are a gift and a blessing regardless of how other men and/or women in your life make you feel sweetheart, Bbz, please never, forget your worth.

So very much love,

-Turtle aka Hazey

worse?

I don't know what's worse.

The fact that you realize that you are still not over a person?

The fact that you catch yourself hoping to hear from them?

Or the fact that you know your hopes are pointless?

Seriously, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to desire your presence. I don't want to think about you as much anymore. I don't want to miss you as much anymore. I don't want you to have had such a hold on my heart like you do. I don't want to hope to hear from you. I don't want to desire your love and affection anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to, want to be apart of your life anymore. I don't want this or to want you or us anymore. I'm sick of missing you...

but lately and sadly I just can't seem to stop.........

I want to go back but I knew then and I still know now I have to let this and you go. You are NEVER EVER coming back. You made me so very happy and to be honest with myself I'm not sure if I can be that happy again. NO, I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone like I loved you. You couldn't...do some of the things I did and some of the things I couldn't do either. But to be honest I don't want to live my life looking back over my shoulder every know and then to see if you're there. Especially when I know that you can NOT ever truly be there the way I wish and want you to be. I have so much going on right now from my parents divorce and my mothers safety, my brothers mental, my fathers well being ;to my the confusion my family has. but the one thing I wish I had right now was you. You made the room stop spinning my piece of chilly ice that held my reptilian ass to the ground in a sea of confusion and deception you were my piece of ice, see through with no deception, no smoke and mirrors, no lies, no not you. You were and still are the best but not permanent and sometimes I believe my heart won't let you go because I truly believed in my heart that I had found the woman of my dreams, the woman to whom I could hang on to because you and I worked so well together and the fact that when I speak of you to this VERY day I will NEVER EVER say a negative thing about you. Also the fact that I wanted to buy you one of these. And because I wanted that for you, for us, I just can't believe its done and over with. Maybe I just still haven't dealt with my feelings for you I have no IDEA! BUT The one thing I want at this very second is to let go of hope that one day we'll cross paths again, that or hear your voice again [,_,]...but even the foolish dream just like the hopeful.....

I don't know maybe someone else out there can read this and make sense of my feelings....

-Hazey

>>>[Little Bit- Drake ft. Lykke Li]<<<

Why Turtle Went To The Moon

Turtle faced a fork in the road of life, The road once ran straight but now there's a left and a Right. The road ran between east and west running north and south into the light. He had a companion but she went toward the sun, he went to the moon. You see he saw it like this.

You weren't my world my love
You were the Light above
The giver of life to this heart
You were the key from the start
I was merely a moon to this rock
I revolved around that spot
that revolved upon you
You see you were the Warmth
The smile through all the hurt
down here, to me, you are all in my mind
but in reality, you were literally my sunshine...

-Hazey also known as Turtle



>>>[Man On The Moon- Kid Cudi]<<<

I wish I was...

>>>[Got to Get My Heart Back- Keyshia Cole]<<<
{WIP}
Believe it or not this picture was taken of me by you almost a year ago. I have to say I wish I was still this man. I wish I could still be him, I wish I could still be this man because you loved him so much. You had a passion and desire to be with him. He felt that you loved him. He felt secure in his relationship with you. He wasn't worried with trivial things. He wasn't disheartened when he heard your ex's name. His face didn't frown up when you left his side. You would call him every morning and every night. You would make sure he was your first and you last every night. You were scared but you trusted him with your heart. He was the first person you thought of when you woke up. You were the first thing he thought of when he woke up. You and him got along so easily back then. You two just worked. There was no effort. You were willing to work out all differences you may have had between each other. He had a love affair with you heart that I am so jealous of. He could reach you, not in a physical sense but on an emotional level. You two were inseparable. He was your turtle. He made you believe in love. He was far from a closed chapter in your life. Your heart wasn't so torn between two men as it is now. He had a hold on you that never made you fight yourself about being with someone else. I wish I was him again. I wish I could meet you tomorrow. I wish I could, I'd love you so much better, I'd do so many things differently. I wouldn't be where I am now. It hurts so much to know I am not him anymore. It...I...I wanna be him, I wanna be me again...I want to be him for you again...I wanna put you back together and you put me back together just like we did the first time.

Now I feel like I can't even so much as get you to understand me or how I'm feeling anymore. I feel like I can't reach you, I feel so out of touch with you and your heart...Let me know if you feel the same way...


{to be continued}

A modest apology

Dear Love,

I must apologize. You have never wanted one, most likely never will. I had some thinking done today. Its not your fault I am basically alone. Its not your fault at all. I will admit I wish I had my friends here still. I shouldn't project that out on to you. I know you think I'm gassing this up but seriously this is how I truly feel. Its not your fault. I am sincerely apologetic for doing that. I'm glad you went out and had a great weekend this weekend. You deserve them more than anybody. I saw the pictures Soozi put up on facebook, you look like you had fun. I'm glad you did.I know for a fact that no weekends are like weekends with friends.

Seriously its not your fault I feel the way I feel. You aren't the person that needs to be my crutch. You shouldn't be forced to spend all your time with me because I have no friends of my own. You aren't the reason I feel like a nobody, because I have no friends. I apologize for creating that burden for you. I know its probably why you felt as though you had to always talk to me or call me or talk to me or spend all your time with me. I am also apologetic for placing that burden on our relationship as well.

I came to the conclusion that I am burdening you with my lack of a larger ring of friends. I place a weight on you that I am basically always alone. I should never do that. I am also apologetic for that as well.

I'm positive you'll have an even better summer this year than last year. 

Love,

HaS

>>>{The Fray- Look After You}<<<

All I want

ALL I WANT

nuff said

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my lovin'to you.

God those lyrics ring in my head as if they were trying to tell me something. Oh yeah I know,
Tomorrow, Jessica, I will in fact miss the hell out of you. I always do.....

It was worth it

It was worth it
It was all worth it
Even though in the end I found out I ain't perfect
But baby girl it was worth it
I won't keep searching
I swear on everything I love, you were perfect
I made mistake but baby in the end it don't take away or hurt it
It makes us stronger and our friendship fonder
You can't tell what we have isn't stronger
With all our mistakes we still be screaming
It was worth it
It was all worth it
Even if the end we found out we ain't perfect
We had problems who else doesn't
But we both glad we tried cuz we loved being somethin'
We both know that it was worth it
I would rather tried and failed than to be a wasn't
Baby girl you were perfect
and today you're flawless and I can't help it
Just wanna kiss and SCREAM BABY YOU WERE SO WORTH IT
YES! It was worth it
It was all worth it!
I know for a fact that I ain't perfect!
But without her nigga I am worthless

Acts :1

think, breathe, or act alone
let you talk stupid or let you stand on ya own
Its kinda funny how I let my loved ones get the best of me
to let em know I care I neglect them heavily
try to keep them at bay
try to push them away
hoping they never feel the pain
and never let them see the smile leave me face
if I let em know I care it jeopardizes me my place
and I regret saying so but things come tumbling down
and yet I never give in, I show no emotion but sometimes you can see my frown.
a bad boy in on my face, a G in my mind and lover in my soul
hopefully someday somebody will see my fucking halo

the one and only for me she seems to know different
somehow she can see what's going to happen from the present
I guess she saw me coming and knew what would happen
I guess she saw this running and didn't I'm clapping
applauding her performance and cheering her on
I'm pretty sure she knew I was to be the best she had ever loved on
and now that loves gone I guess she saw it too
Maybe its just me or its this fuckin' room
My mind is spinning I see something in my view
Its definitely got me confused
Its like I see what's inside me and its in you
We both try to see what's coming and we both lose
I did the same thing and was proved wrong by whom
maybe if you gave it try you'd see it to be true

We all try our best to make those around us proud
but instead looking inside selves we look around
but the fucked up part about it is if we stay true to who we
are those we care about will always be proud....

terrible mistake

Please note this is not an apology*
I know you don't want one*

What do you do when you made too many mistakes?
Turn around and start from a different place
put on a new facade, yeah a different face
I gotta say things got outta hand it was the way things went
I was mad in love and everything was new and different
I can safely say the same things went through you
I can see it in your eyes, baby I miss you too
I made so many mistakes and I can't take em back
I can't promise to not make em again, that's a fact
But let it be known nothing you ever say will change that
I will always feel like we were made for each other, remember that
We met on a sunny day, yeah in math class
you came in clumsy and mad late, couldn't help but laugh
but for some odd reason I couldn't keep my eyes off of you
I saw real love was what I could offer you, and true
things took off real fast but slow enough that we could grasp it
That way we took a hold of things and knew it could last, shit
and now that I'm looking back it was a beautiful thing
the places we went to and the simple things
you were always my good girl and never left my side
and I can't believe after this pain I let you cry
I dried your eyes when we had our first fight
sadly over the same shit but on a different night
we had the same damn argument over and over
and yet it never got through, that you wanted me and us and all that we do
I guess I still gotta grow up it still hasn't changed much
I'm trying to be the man you need and dream of and such
but instead I play on your heart and cause you to shut down
just when things were going good, I made a bad and you frowned
and Ma all I ever wanted to do was make you happy and make you smile
and all I've ever brought was, pain, confusion and a bad smile
I'd drive a thousand miles just to get you take me back
but I fuck up so much on the same shit, why would you ever do that?
I think I've said my piece on whats happened and whats going on
this a song for you boo boo, sweetheart, lil pececita of mine

I been thinkin bout
I been thinkin bout
I been thinkin bout u lately
Thoughts take me to when we were close
Addicted 2 your love, feel i need another dose
I know it's a feeling
That should be long gone
Things seem to come up
when I hear our song
Golden brown girl, it seem so long
Since i heard your voice
where did the king go wrong?
emotions that that they linger on
i guess cause i never knew a love so strong
so many hotgirls
i need your warm
the taste of your mouth
girl i need your warm
good food and love
i need your warm
this here was made before we were born
a dreamer, so i'ma keep dreamin on
it's kinda like the breakup of jen and vince vaughn

they say you don't know know know
what you got
til' what u got is gone
yeah i write such and such yo alot

but the feelings not as strong
we were like 2 birds
that were able to fly
i try to pick the right words to say to the sky
somedays i would try but wasn't able to cry
i never been good at sayin goodbye
i take a deep breath when the times is hard
when i reminisce over u, my god
i spent many years tryna be the heartthrob
i guess it's only right that i got my heart robbed
the scent of a room that reminds me of u
a hint of perfume it remind me of u
take a look at the moon it remind me of u
hope the stars and the gods
align me and you

We do what we do
and we do what we live
i luv this way
cause i got it as a kid
wit so much to give from it
i never hid
the love that i wrote on the mirror it got smeared
my friends say it was a change for the better
but i say, girl u changed my forever
relationships they can be as strange as the weather
rain or sun
we can sang this together

Thoughts to a song

Thoughts about you....damn they seem to be getting me in trouble
they seem to be making me hurt and happy and mad and sad and
the emotions do nothing but swirl in my head and heart and never
seem to stop. Its like things will never just work out for me sometimes
the fukktup part is that they always do for me and I don't deserve it.
She completes me damnit. She is that quake that wakes me up, she is
that fire that burns ever so constantly in my heart and soul. Her smile
makes me capable of moving, her voice drives me home. She's literally
number three and its hurts so bad to know I can't do anything for her
It kills me to know she is in this situation and as much as I want to help
I feel like I'm making things worse. I've never felt this way about anybody
I've never had a bond like this. There is something here that makes me stay
and honestly its deeper than love. My heart sings when she kisses me
my soul cries when she calls me baby my heart breaks when shes gone
I miss her all the time. I check my phone every fucking minute almost in
anticipation on her response to whatever I say to her. She makes me want to
be the best man in her life. Her love makes me stronger and tears me down
at the same time. Her tears nearly kill me even though all I do is stare at her
when she cries. This whole situation just makes me wanna cry and give up
on life and love and hope itself. I've never looked at woman like this. I have NEVER
EVER been able to look at a woman and say I wanna give you children and a house.
This relationship has taken its toll on both of us and I understand why its
never going to be a good idea to try again. I understand why we could never truly be
but my heart has never been so open before. I've never had a woman love me like
she LOVES me. I swear to God if the winds of change make things possible for me
and her to just be together and happy. I'd be forever grateful. I wouldn't ever doubt
her again. I wouldn't worry about her feelings for another man. I wouldn't ever dare
look at her things again. I'd trust her with all my heart. This whole situation just makes
me weak to my soul. I'm tired Lord, I am. I know in my soul my fate is intertwined with hers
and it will be for a little while longer but anymore time with her beyond that would be
nothing short of a God given blessing. God I would make her the happiest I ever could
I'd give her all of me, I'd get on my knees everyday and thank you for everything you have ever given me. I'd never leave her side. I'd stay by her side longer and more faithful than I ever have to anyone. I don't wanna beg. I don't want her given to me and be a nightmare. I just wish things would work out for us. Her heart is so torn and her soul is so wary I see it in her eyes. I just wanna take that pain and suffering away from her. I've never loved so deeply and yet so fearful at the same time. I fear I don't know the true her yet. I fear that she isn't the woman I fell for many months ago. And the part that nearly kills me is that I secede to the God given notion that she could quite possibly be that woman and lover and friend made for me. The unearthly feeling that somewhere back in time our paths crossed and we were the same way. That some how or another we are(and I say this with hands shaking) we are...written in the stars...we are like the characters in hancock, the lovers in westside story, the two lovers in every single cheesy movie and story that everyone knew was destined to be something powerful, that we are bound and woven together by a higher power...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU LOVE ME...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU HOLD MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS...

You Complete Me lyrics
:Keyshia Cole

Can you hear me out there?
Have you ever had someone who loved you
Never leave your side?
I know you'll be here because you love me, yes, you do

I'm givin' all my life and all my love if you
Promise me that you'll be here forever
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you everything
If you promise me you'll never leave me

What my friends say don't matter
You'll be right here from the start
And I'll get on my knees, I'll give you all of me
If you never leave my side, because

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can
Baby, you love me, yeah, oh yes, you do, yeah

And no matter what they ever say about you
I'm gonna stay by your side
Promise me no matter what they say about me
That you're gonna be here until the end of time

'Cause you held me down when nobody was around
And gave me all the love I need
So give me more, don't you ever leave
'Cause you complete me

I know, you love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

'Cause you, give me my heart back
Give me my love back, baby
I want it all because it's never enough
Give me my heart, give me my love back
I want it all because it's never enough

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

And it's okay
I know you do, I know you do
Yes, you do, I need you, too
Yeah, I love you, baby, ohh

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.