Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

The original reason i began writing

My phones off as of this week...and its funny cuz at the moment i wanna send you a text message then I realized that even when I can't even call you...it bothers me...alot...atleast...i notice...to be honest...what I mean is I think about you...alot more than what may appear...I'm sure you like...nigga I have a life up here! lol IN NEW YORK! UP TOP SON, lemme son you, and its startin to get brick lol...


And I also realized you were my first inspiration to begin writing in the first place...I was writing before but the original reason to write was because of you...I used to think how you thunk when I would write...lol...I was confused back then...but I'm just tryna say I miss you...


my words keep falling on themselves because it seems like im trying to run towards you but you don't want me to...I want a lot from life and I remember when you left for new york...direction for me was lost...Ive been tryna steer myself back in the direction I was headed before...when I say its hard to picture life without you...I mean it in ways you don't...


I say these things because its not strange for me to write you...I can write you and not feel like a complete idiot for doing so...I write you because you are my reason to stand...writing you was the only thing that made sense...since I STOPPED...I feel like my direction is off too...like I keep wondering why this...and why that...all the while ignoring you...we aint walking the same walk of life any more...I wish I were there...and at many times wish you were here...


I'm writing you because...I'm glad that even if I never find anyone else...I can still...write you after all this time...MY words seem harsh...hurt...and kinda to the point in my opinion...I wish I could say things better


...but I'm writing you because you are my life line...you are my bridge back to reality...you are my ladder...my life guard in life's ocean


...and I'm so glad you are...


and the sooner I get back to living life with you...the better both of our lives will be...

-HaS

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

finding my words

acceptance....


lately ive been lost in rhythmic translation...
my words are with out rhyme or true meaning...
im not as happy...
reality is hitting me hard...


so here it goes...acceptance and reality...

I'm just trying to find my words...


fine dad ill admit it...
we're just alike...
i hate to admit these words...
its like im giving you power over me by saying them...
by admitting to them...
You are power hungry, any amount of ammo given is ammo used wisely in some respects...
I'm just like you...
I hate you, because I am ashamed of you in many ways...
I hate myself because every time I hear my name, walk, talk, act, I am nothing but a reflection of that which I hate. Christena's power doesn't come from her words. It comes from the fact that I always dished out how much I hate you and her words just showed me the truth. That I'm no better. My flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my arrogance, my ignorance, my pettiness, my shame all from you. To see it within the mirror breaks my heart because all my life I prided myself on being better than you. Being stronger than you. Being nothing like you. Just to have it shoved in my face that I am just as weak as you are. My 3-4 years of depression stems from these words...

The past few days I've literally spent in silence. My phone doesn't really ring, I don't get text messages really. I will say probably because no one cares.

The real me, the one separate from your image says they don't speak because they expect you to be doing what you do best, what you do.

All my life I've felt abnormal. I'm not strong enough, i'm not black enough, I'm not light enough, I'm not hood enough, I'm not macho enough,I'm not proud enough, I'm not good enough even in my own eyes...

When I was with Jessica, I always beat myself up inside because...I never felt good enough. Like I was never what she wanted, like I never measured up to not only her standards, her familys, her friends, most importantly her hearts image of what she wanted...

In the nut shell all ive ever wanted really was just to live a normal life. Be a normal kid. Live and let live. I wanna party and be young and irresponsible. I wanna know EVERY FUCKING BODY...I wanna be popular. I wanna be envied. I wanna be hated...I wanna be surrounded by complete strangers whom have an interest in me not my things...I wanna be the topic of discussion. I wanna be somebodies everything. I wanna mean something to some one out there. I wanna....BE...instead I am the opposite. I'm never content, Im always confused, I AM NEVER SATISFIED, and for some odd reason I always get over looked...

Today is a new day right? I have two God sons whom amaze me everyday. I have true friends who will always be there for me, a family who loves me and believes in me when I don't believe in myself, I have so much and I can not find contentment within that...to be honest I want a simple life really. I don't want stress, I want my life in my hands. I have so many fears, so many worries that I shouldnt have. I mean seriously I don't even believe that if I go to the school Ive always dreamed of going to that I will make a successful career at it. I feel like my words my talents, my story just isnt good enough. I didn't grow without but at the same time I didnt grow up with it all either. I'm confused on my direction as a whole. I've ran astray from the tracks long ago and just don't know if I can find my way back...

anyway this thought stemmed from these words, "Its okay if I never find anyone, its okay if the women before never loved me, its okay if I never reach my dreams, its okay if fail at everything, its okay if I fail at everything I do from here til the day I die, but what is not okay is never being happy..."

with much confusion I bid you all goodnight
-Hazey

The confusion of it all

Okay so yet again you've met someone new. At this point in my life I DONTgive a damn who he is. You get a new boyfriend and I literally do the same thing every time...

Size him up, estimate the actual relationship, and keep it moving. Why not to sound conceited or anything but you compare everyone to me. I've never been like this before where I just say what the fuck ever I want to say but, today I'm in that kinda mood. I guess what I'm trying to say is my jealousy doesn't even exist. To be honest with every guy that comes your way I feel more and more disrespected by the fact that not one of em is anything like me yet you do this number...

"He's kinda like you but not really...He has some of your qualities...."

I don't know what any of this means really. Its not like I hear from you very often. Its not we're ever gonna date again either. I guess I have a lot of unfinished business looming out there.

-Hazey

Updates

So far things are going great for me this year I can't complain. I have road blocks of course but who doesn't. I AM FINALLY ILLNESS FREE! Its been a month since I've felt this good so its good to wake up with a bit of energy. My birthday is rolling around in two weeks.[insert big kool-aid smile here]
I am on campus at my school again, no real friends yet but that doesn't really matter to me. I'm getting my documents together so I can transfer after this quarter is over. My mothers credit score is back up a lil so she can now help me with school if I need her. I have a different outlook on life now. Its a new feeling, to be honest I never really get excited about anything. So I'm excited for what's in store for me this year and next year.
I have a Valentines Day Date, I gotta say my mom thought it was crazy how I'm locked in for V-day already lol. I won't say that me and this woman will go anywhere with this but hey I'm down for the ride. Me and Wonderland aren't dating anymore :/ but hey me and V-day girl should be interesting.
I'm reading a book by Sistah Souljah and man I gotta say, my mom really knows me well. I bought her the book for christmas and she turned around and told me(after reading the book) to read it, I would like it. Those of you who may know me on a more personal level know I don't really read to many books, let alone go to a library. This book is really good though. It sheds some light on my fathers side of the family a bit more in a religious aspect, and yet reveals how I think at the same time. Its crazy. Anyway The books called Midnight by Sistah Souljah Check it out yo.
I have more indepth things to say about V-day girl, school so far, and my day to day stuff to say but ill save it for later...

thats all for now...
Peace and Much love to ya!


-Hazey

A post from Nappy Headed Black Child

This is a post that I ran across today...idk you tell me what I am...lol

http://kumathree.blogspot.com/

"This is a very difficult discussion because frankly there are no good answers or solutions. but lets dive into this and see where we end up



So the one drop rule is ideology of white racial purity saying that even one drop of black blood makes you black. Now in my lifetime i have considered anyone w/ "black in them" as black particularly because we could relate to "american black urban subculture" <---very important distinction. Now as i am currently reconstructing my own consciousness i look at the "One Drop rule" and say fuck that. Why is the concept of what is black based of the exclusivity of whiteness. I reject that totally any concept of blackness that is dependent upon whiteness for definition my people are to great for that. but that then begs the question Who is black...and who isn't black. Thats a hell of a question to answer because of the cultural destruction that Africans in america have suffered at the hands of those of european decent. There are many of us who distinctly show our African heritage in our facial and body structure as well as our skin and hair. So quite frankly What do we do about the black/other non black people? Do they still count? I mean if are still under the working definition of the one drop rule they would be considered black...but since im rejecting that...where do they stand? Hard Question to answer. This becomes increasingly problematic when we look at it in terms of colorism. The term colorism usually refers to when lighter skin tones are preferred and darker skin is considered less desirable. No matter where i look in a music videos on tv advertisements rarely do i see a dark skinned black male or a dark skinned black female portrayed together. Generally its dark skinned male and lighter skinned female. Given the pervasiveness of eurocentric beauty standards there is a problem here. Rarely do u see Grace Jones/Alek Wek dark skinned beauty grace a screen w/ black dark skinned male. When talk about black people or people of african descent we are not appreciating the breadth of African beauty. How u gonna talk about black people and not highlight the BLACK woman. Let alone a Black Queen. These are questions...that don't have answers right now. But are definitely worth discussing. But at the moment i suppose its all about what you are claiming." posted by Isaac at 1:31 PM on Nov 19, 2009

HERE is my response to what he said


Blogger HaS the Turtle said...

i have to say i completely agree with you on that. I am a dark skinned male but my biological father isn't even black, but when you look at me the first thing you think is I am black. My mother is African American and My father is Native American. To be honest I have such an identity crisis sometimes because I don't act like a typical African American male, reason my father isn't African American...so what am I bi-racial? My outwardly appearance says other wise...


Honestly sometimes I feel like I am a black man but I just don't act like the typical one. Other times I feel as though I am not a black man I just appear to be one. I remember all through school I was called an oreo, you know black on the outside white on the inside. In some cases this was completely true. I mean if you don't exactly have an African American Male to model yourself after, can you in turn be an African American Male? I mean you can argue it all you want but can you really? I remember I used to feel really left out over this because my dad didn't have the same skin tone as me, he didn't have the exact same heritage as every other kid that looked like me. I felt like I really had to prove I was just another "Nigga" so to speak but as I grew up I realized I wasn't. I used to feel alienated from black people because they are partially my people but in a way not fully. It makes things difficult because as a teenager you have alot going on in your mind, body, and socially. I had to deal with this interesting dilemma. How can I call myself a black man, if the man that raised me, isn't a black man himself and wasn't raised by a black man either?

I wont lie I have struggled with this alot! I used to feel so awkward when I would date a black girl, or any girl for that matter because people have some sort of preconceived mold that you are supposed to fit. Well atleast here in the south. In all honesty I wasn't raised in a majority black neighborhood, I grew up around white kids, mexican kids, dominican kids, veitnamese kids, korean kids and mixed kids. Very few black kids, now many of you would say what about your mothers side of the family. Yes I knew them. Although I did not grow around my black cousins, nor did I grow up around my racial conondrum of family my father has. He kept me and my brother isolated really. He didn't really want us to be around my mothers family too much, yet at the same time he really didn't push to be around his side of the family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, who am I? I have had the hardest time trying to define myself as a person because I literally don't have much to stand on. I have an islamic name and I am a christian. My native american father grew up as a muslim in Chicago. My mother a southern baptist. I am a dark skinned brother who didn't grow up to be a typical black man. Its like one of my exes used to hurt me so badly when she would critisize me on some of the things I would do and say. WHY? Well her being a white woman who grew up in the south she had a precut image of what a black man is supposed to be, and I just didn't fit that image. I remember becoming gang affiliated because I wanted to just be a black kid, nothing more. Now I am on the verge of 20 and I literally don't know what to do or to say about what I am let alone who I am.

My younger brother on the other hand he just sees himself as a black kid, for now. Everyday I see him grasp the reality that he isn't like other black kids. I am literally waiting for him to ask me, how are we supposed to act? I mean we look black, well sorta. We aren't built the exact same as other black kids, i noticed that first! My facial structure is honestly quite funny looking to me. I'm trailing off topic. But hey these are my thoughts do with them what you will....

-Hazey

Mi corazon and my strength

Mi corazon and my strength

A dia I learned the wounds I have may never truly heal. Quite honestly because my heart is just wanting answers to the questions I will never have answered. I have no focus, I'm scared, I'm not as confident as I once was. I have truly fallen to a place I'm not sure that I can ever get back up from. I have so many thoughts that cross my mind in a day it's weird. I'm sure other people feel the same way, I'm not trying to say my problems are any bigger or more complex than anyone elses. I will admit that I do need some help. I can't do it all on my own. I want so very much to be self-reliant. As I listen to yellowcard my heart kind of feels like I'm not alone. I know of other people out there like me, lost in need of some kind of breakthrough. I can't focus on anything still. I still find myself making excuses, and honestly I know I'm better than that, I know I don't have to make excuses. I'm just scared...I'm scared of failing. I've had my dreams shattered like so many people out there. I don't hope for much, I rarely get excited anymore. To be honest I've literally forgotten how to just be happy. I don't smile often, I'm normally alone, I want so much more out of my life but I'm so very afraid. You know yesterday I heard my lil brother say to me "When I think of a strong man I've always thought of you, not dad. I never have thought he could protect us, I always thought you could." You know what ladies and gentlemen. I found my strength...

Thanks lil man :,)

-Hazey

Bad moods

I gotta say bad moods suck. I find my bad moods tend to just bounce from one person to another yet never ever do they get taken out on my brother or mother. Its crazy, but anyway I need a break from financial burdens but I realize that may never happen. Life's a bitch and honestly I don't plan to wife her. I've been completely out of words, patience, energy, money(lol), time(to a point where niggas call me in my sleep and wake me up), but mostly I'm out of, well I wanna say direction but that's just not true, then again I wanna say wisdom but that's not something you can literally run out of, then on another tip I wanna say will. Yeah that's it. I am out of the WILL to deal with people in general. I think I'm cranky cuz of a lack of food, my damn uncle keeps eating all the food! Anyway another day begins in 29 minutes(its 11:31pm). I wanna sleep in but nope I must awake and drive my uncle to Kensington station then I off I go to work. When did my life head in this direction?

anyway good night world

if you don't know, to whom it may concern, this song is a clue to you that you crossed my mind...

>>>[A Little Bit- Lykke Li ft. Drake]<<<

-Hazey

I smiled again...

It's time to change. I think....I think I'm ready to face myself. I have been so busy keeping the world at bay of who I am and why I am the way I am. My life's most recent turn of events have changed me but only for the better. At first I used them as a crutch, today I realized I shouldn't that I wasn't being who my mother raised me to be. I can safely say that I'm ready to grow and be the man I should be. I'm so ready...I think and believe and feel that today, 10-29-2009, was a day that had me down and depressed, dear lord I felt so very lonely. I won't lie I missed having someone special in my life but I also realize why they aren't here and that if I want to ever find that person whom I can spend my time with other than friends then, I need to do me and be consistent about being me and remaining who I am through that relationship. I understand my flaws and this period in my life is about me preserving who it is that I am. I gotta say I believe I'm ready for trial and error, failing isn't an option but a lesson to be learned from so that I can come back and learn from it. :)

-Hazey

worse?

I don't know what's worse.

The fact that you realize that you are still not over a person?

The fact that you catch yourself hoping to hear from them?

Or the fact that you know your hopes are pointless?

Seriously, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to desire your presence. I don't want to think about you as much anymore. I don't want to miss you as much anymore. I don't want you to have had such a hold on my heart like you do. I don't want to hope to hear from you. I don't want to desire your love and affection anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to, want to be apart of your life anymore. I don't want this or to want you or us anymore. I'm sick of missing you...

but lately and sadly I just can't seem to stop.........

I want to go back but I knew then and I still know now I have to let this and you go. You are NEVER EVER coming back. You made me so very happy and to be honest with myself I'm not sure if I can be that happy again. NO, I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone like I loved you. You couldn't...do some of the things I did and some of the things I couldn't do either. But to be honest I don't want to live my life looking back over my shoulder every know and then to see if you're there. Especially when I know that you can NOT ever truly be there the way I wish and want you to be. I have so much going on right now from my parents divorce and my mothers safety, my brothers mental, my fathers well being ;to my the confusion my family has. but the one thing I wish I had right now was you. You made the room stop spinning my piece of chilly ice that held my reptilian ass to the ground in a sea of confusion and deception you were my piece of ice, see through with no deception, no smoke and mirrors, no lies, no not you. You were and still are the best but not permanent and sometimes I believe my heart won't let you go because I truly believed in my heart that I had found the woman of my dreams, the woman to whom I could hang on to because you and I worked so well together and the fact that when I speak of you to this VERY day I will NEVER EVER say a negative thing about you. Also the fact that I wanted to buy you one of these. And because I wanted that for you, for us, I just can't believe its done and over with. Maybe I just still haven't dealt with my feelings for you I have no IDEA! BUT The one thing I want at this very second is to let go of hope that one day we'll cross paths again, that or hear your voice again [,_,]...but even the foolish dream just like the hopeful.....

I don't know maybe someone else out there can read this and make sense of my feelings....

-Hazey

>>>[Little Bit- Drake ft. Lykke Li]<<<

new found dreams

Man today realized I have some new dreams:

• I wanna get straight As in school
• I wanna get this job at titlemax
• I wanna go to law school if I enjoy criminal justice program
• I wanna own my own condo in atlanta
• or atleast have a lease on an apartment
• I wanna get back in shape
• I wanna pursue my happiness once again
• I wanna get a dog

Man there are sooo many things I wanna do with my life

its true he takes to give something better...I understand...

I miss her...but I understand

You know God is funny like that. Who knew a year ago I would be the one to pick your head up from crying in the mall as the world seemed to spin and your dreams crashed around you? Who knew a year later we'd end up where we began in the first place? Its like God answered my prayer but gave me a time limit to enjoy it. Its like he said here you go. Enjoy while you can, I have big plans for you. Taste your dreams and your happiness and remember what it feels like. You will have it again, someday hopefully. Although before you can truly have it, I need you to do what you came here to do. I'm destined for greatness I know I am. I'm destined to accomplish so many things in my life span and am going to accomplish many of my self determined goals. I will reach them. I want to see the proud look on my mothers face when she introduces me or talks about me. I wanna see the look of pride in my fathers eyes when I go the distance they know I can go. I'm going to get there. Its just one day and one prayer at a time.

You are

Song to consider >>>[The Gift-Seether]<<<

You!
You are the one who won't let me get past
You are the one who reveals the darkness behind the laughs
Image of a person who reminds me of scars
The flaws, because
The cause of the fake
The revealer of my mistakes
unearthing secrets I believed would never escape

The eyes of a liar
The hands of a writer
The eyes of power
aren't these the same hands from that shower
of the words you rained
drained, and stained on a page
You are the one who shows my weakness
and shows my meekness
The greatest foe I've ever had
The one whom I couldn't hide from,
saw the truth through my laughs

The sides I never reveal
you seem to un-conceal
Every time I see you it feels unreal
The power of your silence
The words un resilience
The things I see
the words I breathe
My shadows don't know the difference between us
The things you show me are the things between us

Why do you have to be so close to me
Why do you have to be so you, so me
The words unspoken, things become clearer
I love you, I hate you, DEAR Mirror.....

Acts :1

think, breathe, or act alone
let you talk stupid or let you stand on ya own
Its kinda funny how I let my loved ones get the best of me
to let em know I care I neglect them heavily
try to keep them at bay
try to push them away
hoping they never feel the pain
and never let them see the smile leave me face
if I let em know I care it jeopardizes me my place
and I regret saying so but things come tumbling down
and yet I never give in, I show no emotion but sometimes you can see my frown.
a bad boy in on my face, a G in my mind and lover in my soul
hopefully someday somebody will see my fucking halo

the one and only for me she seems to know different
somehow she can see what's going to happen from the present
I guess she saw me coming and knew what would happen
I guess she saw this running and didn't I'm clapping
applauding her performance and cheering her on
I'm pretty sure she knew I was to be the best she had ever loved on
and now that loves gone I guess she saw it too
Maybe its just me or its this fuckin' room
My mind is spinning I see something in my view
Its definitely got me confused
Its like I see what's inside me and its in you
We both try to see what's coming and we both lose
I did the same thing and was proved wrong by whom
maybe if you gave it try you'd see it to be true

We all try our best to make those around us proud
but instead looking inside selves we look around
but the fucked up part about it is if we stay true to who we
are those we care about will always be proud....