Thursday, May 6, 2010

finding my words

acceptance....


lately ive been lost in rhythmic translation...
my words are with out rhyme or true meaning...
im not as happy...
reality is hitting me hard...


so here it goes...acceptance and reality...

I'm just trying to find my words...


fine dad ill admit it...
we're just alike...
i hate to admit these words...
its like im giving you power over me by saying them...
by admitting to them...
You are power hungry, any amount of ammo given is ammo used wisely in some respects...
I'm just like you...
I hate you, because I am ashamed of you in many ways...
I hate myself because every time I hear my name, walk, talk, act, I am nothing but a reflection of that which I hate. Christena's power doesn't come from her words. It comes from the fact that I always dished out how much I hate you and her words just showed me the truth. That I'm no better. My flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my arrogance, my ignorance, my pettiness, my shame all from you. To see it within the mirror breaks my heart because all my life I prided myself on being better than you. Being stronger than you. Being nothing like you. Just to have it shoved in my face that I am just as weak as you are. My 3-4 years of depression stems from these words...

The past few days I've literally spent in silence. My phone doesn't really ring, I don't get text messages really. I will say probably because no one cares.

The real me, the one separate from your image says they don't speak because they expect you to be doing what you do best, what you do.

All my life I've felt abnormal. I'm not strong enough, i'm not black enough, I'm not light enough, I'm not hood enough, I'm not macho enough,I'm not proud enough, I'm not good enough even in my own eyes...

When I was with Jessica, I always beat myself up inside because...I never felt good enough. Like I was never what she wanted, like I never measured up to not only her standards, her familys, her friends, most importantly her hearts image of what she wanted...

In the nut shell all ive ever wanted really was just to live a normal life. Be a normal kid. Live and let live. I wanna party and be young and irresponsible. I wanna know EVERY FUCKING BODY...I wanna be popular. I wanna be envied. I wanna be hated...I wanna be surrounded by complete strangers whom have an interest in me not my things...I wanna be the topic of discussion. I wanna be somebodies everything. I wanna mean something to some one out there. I wanna....BE...instead I am the opposite. I'm never content, Im always confused, I AM NEVER SATISFIED, and for some odd reason I always get over looked...

Today is a new day right? I have two God sons whom amaze me everyday. I have true friends who will always be there for me, a family who loves me and believes in me when I don't believe in myself, I have so much and I can not find contentment within that...to be honest I want a simple life really. I don't want stress, I want my life in my hands. I have so many fears, so many worries that I shouldnt have. I mean seriously I don't even believe that if I go to the school Ive always dreamed of going to that I will make a successful career at it. I feel like my words my talents, my story just isnt good enough. I didn't grow without but at the same time I didnt grow up with it all either. I'm confused on my direction as a whole. I've ran astray from the tracks long ago and just don't know if I can find my way back...

anyway this thought stemmed from these words, "Its okay if I never find anyone, its okay if the women before never loved me, its okay if I never reach my dreams, its okay if fail at everything, its okay if I fail at everything I do from here til the day I die, but what is not okay is never being happy..."

with much confusion I bid you all goodnight
-Hazey

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