Friday, May 28, 2010


Lets be real, dear

the day for us will neva be here

I saw the end before you had my heart

real shit way before the first spark

the friction wasn't attraction nor commitment

the truth was in ya face, you just kept on, relentless

please lemme know when the day I don't see real comes

text messages about first base and hitting home runs

panties like a shower her legs are my rocks

the only thing we had going was the dance in our socks

Im not perfect, but growing is a must for change

me and you would be one word, insane

as you can see I have problems with this role

you know, the man in ya life type-a-goal

so lemme say this so you get it clearly, bless your soul

I have problems with self control

you shoulda seen that coming so course but,

how would you ever know?

childish and foolish will never flow

statin facts mami,
sorry you needed it broken for you to understand tho...



Monday, May 24, 2010

Today was the day that I made the most crucial bond I've ever made. I chose to follow my dreams. The day I went back to the person he used to be. My mind is ready for this. I'm riding south to struggle even more, but shit I'm ready for it. I don't think I've ever been more confident in myself.

I told myself something today that opened my eyes to who the fuck I really am. I'm gonna miss out on alotta things. I'm gonna leave  a place I've grown attached to. I will miss my Godsons birthdays and Ill miss weddings. The parties, the new places and cars everyone gets. I also can't put my life on hold while they live their lives. I may want to see this but I can't stay here. I'm gonna miss everyone but my life's calling...

Life is about making the life you want. I decided to do what I was born to do. Use my damn voice and my words. I've looked and honestly music is all I can see myself ever doing. There isn't anything I could ever do. My decision to take the path set before me long ago was a long and hard decision to make. I will say that not even can fight fate. God had a plan for me from the beginning Can't turn around now. Its time I faced my damn life for what it is gonna be :)
fucking awesome!

life is what you make it and the sooner I realized I always had the means to get where I wanna go.

Stay focused, stay hungry, trust God...

I want a family, I want a house, I want the whole dream not just a piece of it. I know that if I want it all I have to work hard for it to protect it, defend it, earn it, and make a way to achieve it. 

My music playlist is looking like this right about now

Talking- Young Jeezy
Lights Please- J. Cole
Dollar and a Dream- J. Cole
Grown Simba- J. Cole
Trap or Die 2- Young Jeezy
Heartbreak Hotel- Game and Diddy
It's Been a Pleasure- Young Jeezy and Drake
Flight Double O- M.O.E.T.
Cut You Loose- M.O.E.T.
Fear- Drake
Shake- Game
Slanging Rocks- Game
Everything Red- Game, Lil Wanye, Birdman
I'm Back- T.I.
D.O. Wave- M.O.E.T.
Atlanta Zoo- Gucci Mane

This list will get bigger....


Im american but does anybody else see this?

Is this whole situation a reason to invade North Korea?
I mean I understand they are violently threatening and all
but is this whole ordeal another set up to invade and occupy another nation outside the US borders??

I'm no politician but the minute shit escalates I wanna be the first to say I saw this coming!


The Girl of My Dreams

You are the girl of my dreams
are you as good as you seem?
my hearts for you so baby hold it
so here girl- hold this
don't open your hand to another man
he'll break my heart if he can
protect my greatest fears if you can
my heart is all in your hands
but as your man please understand
everything within it is unique
I'm trusting you not to peak
keep my secrets underneath
of your words and what we speak
to my back is forever turned
so betrayal is never earned
to whom my secret revealed to you
no holding back here goes the truth
I don't think my heart could ever stand
you ever opening up your hand
I could never see you with another man
so my heart is within the seams
you are the girl of my dreams


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A step in the right direction

I wanna step into the unknown
not just being out on my own
but the journey that takes me there
you aimless travel, headed nowhere
but in your heart and soul directions in the air
you can smell it
you can feel it
like your hearts beat
or grass against your feet
steak in your teeth
staking your claim would be unique
uncharted territory
my lifes a new book I wanna read every story
blank pages, no pen but a lot of tales
the worlds against me but I know I will never fail
again, my back aint against the wind
forces of nature oppose me
but only God can mold me
things between the lines aren't always taken how they're supposed to be
so with a glance you judge and calibrate my level of perfection
I don't care what they say, I headed in the right direction...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Deep Desire

Lately I've been distant
kind of reminiscent
with eyes like pie
I'm dieing to dive
into a slice of your divine
bliss, yes you miss
one with hips
so thick
skin so rich
it makes me crave
talking with you
I find myself in a daze
look away
if I look to hard I might care
its been too long
I forgot what its like to be there
forgive me for this song
its a front, you'll see through it so I try to stay strong
special ones
start my drum
unexplainable dreams as I retire
I met you last week and now today your my one desire

Monday, May 17, 2010

A dream deferred...

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load. 
Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred you ask?
It takes a nap
and sleeps.
Waiting for the day
it can ripen for you to eat.
to enjoy the rich spoils of
hard work for your treat.
Dreams aren't deferred
just put on hold


Sunday, May 16, 2010

father/discouragement/ VENTING

Fuck it man, forgive me again...
I feel like I have this father of mine
like his weakness and I are intertwined
I have some ability and will
I dont wanna be alone forever
I want peace of mine to know I can pay my own bills
I don't want to need anybody ever
but everyday is the same story
going to mom and killing my glory
my strength withers without fail
she says I want too much in my pale
I have no greed but to take care of self
I pray for guidance the ability to never need anybody else
call me prideful, call me ignorant
it matters not to me, as long as I pay my rent
feed myself and cover me
i want what I want don't you see
I never want to be him, who gave up
I never want anyone to call me a fuck up
a deadbeat, weak, or incapable
it hurts my soul to know Im still en-able
to sustain myself and my dreams alone
why is it so hard for you to see, I WANT MY FUCKING OWN!

I've been working hard, really hard, riding a bike to work to fix my car and get myself back on my feet. I put in 75 hours of work in the past 2 weeks. come to find out my paycheck is still gonna be short after taxes to cover the repairs on my kills so discouraged right now its hard for me to finish this 7 page paper due tomorrow at 12noon...

fuck it man I try so damn hard for get kicked when I'm down...I spent another weekend alone, not one of my friends called me(by the way all of em knew)...i dont know maybe this is my sign that my goal to get the fuck outta here just got concrete poured on it...

you know im so mad all I can do is laugh...I was so excited for my first paycheck too...putting in mad over time just to help relieve the stress of my car repairs swallowing my entire know was know it was useless to know I wont see a dime not one dime of it...then whats worse is to know I still can't cover all the repairs on MY FUCKING OWN!...hahahah...

anyway have a great day and week everybody...
God makes everything possible...


Saturday, May 15, 2010

I haven't bad in a while

Forgive me, hahaha ;)
Don't be afraid to come over
drop your dress at the door
leave your keys on the floor
let ya hair down
slip your panties to the ground
throw your glasses away
and let your girls lay
my space is your place
and my lips to your face
passion to a beat
hearts keep the rhythm
flesh and sweat love is unique
sheets no need for em
the mattress is enough
i remember you like it rough
pillows, mirrors, games
sensations with every pump, never the same
wish i never had to leave
your words are stuck in me
all i ever wanna do is make you mine
and all i ever do is prove it every time
by making us cum at the same time


Momentary Affection March 2009

Momentary affection...

when you give me your momentary affection
I don't know maybe I'm just guessin'
maybe its just me or that I was expectin'
more for sure things seem fine at first
but not long after it goes back to hurt
we both know it's not a remedy for you and me
our problems baby are still staring back at me...

short and to the point...
its from 09 so yeah enjoy


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Glue and The Clue

Sex was the glue

Maybe you were right?
Sex was the glue, take away everything literally everything, and all that's left is that raw sexual tension. The crave to fuck, the lustfilled crave of our bodies touching and sweating and pressed against each other and what do we have? Nothing, nothing of any value, of any worth. The inability to keep a relationship with a person without sex is a pointless relationship. My ever lasting fear partly stemed from that. I could never give you anything meaningful. I tried and everytime I felt like a failure. Someone else had already staked there claim on your heart for that conquest. I felt defeated in everyway by everyone else except in one avenue, sex. The only way I felt that I could reach you. The only way I felt like I could reach your heart was through sex. The other roads were paved with images of others whom I felt inferior to. I felt as though my meager attempt to touch your heart was pointless because it would just get overshadowed. My insecurity came from this feeling of inferiority as well now that I think about it. I now realize there's nothing to go back to. We had nothing to begin with. That's why it was so easy for you to walk away and never speak to me again, never call me again, never even notice if I walked right past you...
Damn took me a year after the fact to figure that out...

I see now...

To Blogger this is my 221st blog post to myself this is my 501st

Yeah I have 501 posts 280 juicy ones locked away within my blog that have never been released. Many of which will never be released. Today I had a call while at work that hit home more than she ever thought. This woman was 89 years old and widowed...

Truth is she was right

There are days where you wanna wake up and cry
There are days when you wanna stay in bed and die
Moments when you wanna give up
Seconds where ethics are left to us
And hope is chopped and screwed
Where your life and happiness are misused
Situations where everyone is forced to choose
When you can hold in self doubt or let it loose
When pain is offered the chance to walk
And bullshit is given the opportunity to talk
but you can not stop, you can not break
when you smile you laugh it keeps up your face
but better it never leaves whats most important at steak

So yes ma'am I do know the pain that you speak of...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Was it the weed or the fact that he was truly brilliant? I for one believe it was
How can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? I can't, I won't, and after reading this I accept that. :] If the same doesn't go both ways then that is their lose because for them all I have are fond memories...

Life gets hard but every day I learn something new about myself. There was a quote I read somewhere and I can not remember for the life of me but it went like this,

"Whenever you realize there's nothing you can do, wait. You may discover that the reason for waiting was all for your benefit, because you're the one who needed to change"

Lately I realized that I've slowly been taking life by the horns and steering the bull. I'm not fully ready to drive my own bull yet. I need to slow down, my recent frustrations over my water-pump fiasco shed some light on the future of me and my life in a way. How I can do this all I have to do is get myself there, calmly and steadily. *deep breathe*

 My car was overheating yesterday everyone, yes I know I know, me and cars don't mesh She needs a new water-pump. I coordinated the whole transporting of my vehicle to the best location and repairs at the best price. I did all of which on stolen hotel internet ;]. My overall fees total my whole first pay check. It pains me to the core to lose my first paycheck ($504.48) the whole damned thing to my car but I also have to be thankful that I had the money to get the repairs in the first place. This quote I found today now that I spoke to the person I have no idea where it truly came from it was in her book.

I'm not having the best week but I will make the best of it regardless.

God Bless

PS- Lately I've noticed the changes in me are even in my posts...Guess you could say I found my way back to God on 2-12-2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

I found It

I found where I belong joe...My ninjas in Orlando doing they damn thing moving this music like I should be. I've made up my mind joe. Packing my creativity in a bag and moving to Orlando as soon as possible. Hazey's about to do what he should have always should have been doing from the start...

check out my boys mixtape it is crack real shit man


Today was interesting joe.
I woke up late, missed class, made it to school and did some work, I got codename PWD (for pretty in her white dress) number today, my car overheated in traffic so its in the shop til further notice, I'm working 31 hours a week, I've got my plan together now all I have to do is execute it and I'll be where ive dreaming of being...

Had a good day even if I barely ate...

God Bless, wake up every morning and let your first words literally be, thanks


Sunday, May 9, 2010

I remember

so this beginning portion of this post has absolutely nothing to do with my umm yeah enjoy i guess...

I remember a year ago...
I'd be on my way north right now...Listening to music in my car on 285 cruising at 70 up to alpharetta to see you...My stomach was in knots just thinking about you...I miss my sunday drives after work...going far off to north buttfuck atlanta from an area closer to 1-20 than where I was headed...Dodging cops and on coming traffic...I miss going 25 miles to the one person in atlanta that made me feel completely normal...the last one I love sundays though no lie...Its like family day at my house...we laugh and joke til about 9:00 then I'm the only one yeah I forgot what I was writing about again...
anyway Today is mothers day...

I got my beloved mother a purse...She loved it by the way which is odd because me and my brother just literally grabbed a black purse at macys and bought it last night...slacking I know!..She loved it for three reasons other than we bought it for her on mothers day...It came with an umbrella, she needed a black purse (we had no idea she needed a black purse btw), and she said we had good taste...UMM comment...

I grilled the best dinner on earth today...Grilled New York Style Cuts with yellow rice. The cool part was the kabobs with mango and pineapples with veges...YUM...I shoulda taken a picture but ahh well...I dont live to take pictures I just like to live...anyway Hope you and yours had a wonderful mothers day...

God Bless


Thursday, May 6, 2010

finding my words


lately ive been lost in rhythmic translation...
my words are with out rhyme or true meaning...
im not as happy...
reality is hitting me hard...

so here it goes...acceptance and reality...

I'm just trying to find my words...

fine dad ill admit it...
we're just alike...
i hate to admit these words...
its like im giving you power over me by saying them...
by admitting to them...
You are power hungry, any amount of ammo given is ammo used wisely in some respects...
I'm just like you...
I hate you, because I am ashamed of you in many ways...
I hate myself because every time I hear my name, walk, talk, act, I am nothing but a reflection of that which I hate. Christena's power doesn't come from her words. It comes from the fact that I always dished out how much I hate you and her words just showed me the truth. That I'm no better. My flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my arrogance, my ignorance, my pettiness, my shame all from you. To see it within the mirror breaks my heart because all my life I prided myself on being better than you. Being stronger than you. Being nothing like you. Just to have it shoved in my face that I am just as weak as you are. My 3-4 years of depression stems from these words...

The past few days I've literally spent in silence. My phone doesn't really ring, I don't get text messages really. I will say probably because no one cares.

The real me, the one separate from your image says they don't speak because they expect you to be doing what you do best, what you do.

All my life I've felt abnormal. I'm not strong enough, i'm not black enough, I'm not light enough, I'm not hood enough, I'm not macho enough,I'm not proud enough, I'm not good enough even in my own eyes...

When I was with Jessica, I always beat myself up inside because...I never felt good enough. Like I was never what she wanted, like I never measured up to not only her standards, her familys, her friends, most importantly her hearts image of what she wanted...

In the nut shell all ive ever wanted really was just to live a normal life. Be a normal kid. Live and let live. I wanna party and be young and irresponsible. I wanna know EVERY FUCKING BODY...I wanna be popular. I wanna be envied. I wanna be hated...I wanna be surrounded by complete strangers whom have an interest in me not my things...I wanna be the topic of discussion. I wanna be somebodies everything. I wanna mean something to some one out there. I wanna....BE...instead I am the opposite. I'm never content, Im always confused, I AM NEVER SATISFIED, and for some odd reason I always get over looked...

Today is a new day right? I have two God sons whom amaze me everyday. I have true friends who will always be there for me, a family who loves me and believes in me when I don't believe in myself, I have so much and I can not find contentment within be honest I want a simple life really. I don't want stress, I want my life in my hands. I have so many fears, so many worries that I shouldnt have. I mean seriously I don't even believe that if I go to the school Ive always dreamed of going to that I will make a successful career at it. I feel like my words my talents, my story just isnt good enough. I didn't grow without but at the same time I didnt grow up with it all either. I'm confused on my direction as a whole. I've ran astray from the tracks long ago and just don't know if I can find my way back...

anyway this thought stemmed from these words, "Its okay if I never find anyone, its okay if the women before never loved me, its okay if I never reach my dreams, its okay if fail at everything, its okay if I fail at everything I do from here til the day I die, but what is not okay is never being happy..."

with much confusion I bid you all goodnight

Monday, May 3, 2010


How many people can say they dated and idiot?
quite a few right?

How many people can actually say they regret it?
probably all of them? right?

 well it appears to me that I dated a racist bigot! My grandfather wouldn't have been proud of me for allowing the likes of this person in my life. I say this because he was in the civil rights marches. A respected black man who stood by God and his beliefs. I can say it bothers me so much that I allowed you in my life.

I am far from racist but to hear a white woman, whom claimed they loved black people, say words that should never be repeated. This is more than just the word nigger. This is a whole conversation that I was there to witness...

I don't think I've ever been so ashamed and pissed the fuck off at the same time...

yeah June 5th, could you get here faster please!

I don't have anything else to say...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Why I don't need you apart of my life

Note to self...fuck Christena and Kim...their words are needed but the way they were stated wasn't...Don't ignore their words just take them with a grain of salt...And those who let bigotry out of their mouths limit themselves...I can't be hateful for what they said in addition...

"45 minutes roll by"

Damnit you see this is the reason I didn't want you in my life. Your words seem to stick to me...they replay and replay...and I can't get them out. I hated you before and still kinda do. When this is all over I just want things to go back to us not talking again. I don't want you in my life, like seriously.

Seriously they make me feel like I'm going no where with my life...Like I'm nothing...She makes me feel as though I have nothing to be proud of...Like what I've accomplished isn't worth anything...Like I've got to prove myself to her...This feeling, this very feeling at the pit of me is what bothers me's deep, so very deep beneath the skin...

Its almost like her soul purpose in life is point out my mistakes...point every last flaw within my your main goal when you are around me is to compare me to every last black person you have ever disrespect my race as a whole...then personally disrespect me as an are poison...nothing more than hatred in the shape of a fat couldn't love a man of any race so you disrespect us to make yourself feel better...and to justify why you are all honesty you're so insecure and weak that without Kim you'd be on crack somewhere...

these can't be my words...

*5 minutes wander by*

When I rise above this, all of this negativity surrounding you, I'll make a statement through my actions that says more than your bigotry and hate ever could...People like that don't need to be apart of persons life...She's the reason I became so depressed in the beginning...Also she's the reason I better myself...

Yeah there's a damn good reason I said, "she could rot under their significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell." (updates)

"live, learn, let go...."

>>>[Be Somebody- Kings of Leon]<<<



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