Monday, June 20, 2011

Recent scattered thoughts

My heart is still broken

Hahah I'm so happy and it's strange I don't long for anyone, u don't want anyone, I'm grateful for so much more in my life than I have ever been in my entire life.

I nearly died three times in my 21 years on this planet and seriously each time is lesson. Two of which were car accidents.

It's fathers day and he's out in Chicago and honestly on this day he's crossed my mind three times other than during the course of writing this shit down.  I've been away from you. I've been drinking and smoking again... I've been loving my friends and enjoying the time I have left here. Something is coming...I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, my heart says it's coming, idk what it is but it's coming. I just hope that when it gets here I'm ready to play my part and do what's right.

Years have passed and honestly you still cross my mind...

At this point I don't even know who you are anymore. I wish I did, I wish things were different, I wish so much some times I think it's just me speaking about things that God ignores. You aren't my hope, you don't haunt my dreams anymore, my  biggest fear is not becoming the man that you wished you had stayed with. My greatest fear is becoming less than who I know I am to become. All I'm going on right now is hope and a prayer that when I land in NEW YORK that everything just gradually gets better and better for me...

I'm so scared of failing myself, my family, and most importantly not living up to my expectations of myself...


Friday, June 17, 2011

questionable week

so im sitting here asking myself why the fuck is the past resurfacing...i guess i asked for this...

if i could...

id call you...

in a perfect world, you'd pick up the phone...

Life is happening so fucking fast it aint funny... My mother raised me to be a simple man...but my father tried to mold me into a complex person...

which lesson to rely on??


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

3 piece

There are 3 pieces of me spread out amongst some people
the first is in NY and honestly I am not sure if that piece needs to be returned but it was,
the second is here in GA
and so is the third.

the First is my Love
the Second is my Pride 
the Third is my Trust

i'm sure most of this makes no sense to anyone but myself so I'll explain

She was the first woman I ever loved outside of family and in many ways still has a major influence I should say in my destiny going forward because of what we went through together and apart. My best friend. As I mentioned a long time ago back in December or January, I don't quite remember which, She apologized for the pain she caused me. I look back it now and realize that she was giving me the words I needed to hear just in the best way that she could have ever put it.

I got the 2nd piece of me back last week.
Its almost incredibly heartbreaking that I lost it in the first place...
So this is to you, number 2

You took a lot from me. You made me question everything about myself from my heritage to my own thoughts and feelings. You stole my confidence from me. You took everything that I thought I knew about myself and destroyed it. But most importantly you killed my pride. I know that Pride is a sin, but as men we all have one. Its just something I believe everyone has as well. You killed my pride what made me tick. My confidence soon followed and honestly for about 4 years I hated you for it. I look back at things now and really want to thank you for what you did. I am so much better now because of what you did...correction "what I allowed you to do to me" I understand now that I hold equal responsibility in the harm you caused because I should have fought harder to preserve those parts of myself in the first place. So from you i gained so much more than what I lost. All I wanna say now is thank you for helping me become a better person. I forgive you...don't be sorry for what you did, because you didn't know what you did in the first place...

The third piece my trust well she took it, honestly I'm still not sure just how much trust I had in her because of my own fears, self doubts,  the lack of confidence and misguided mistrust from my previous relationship and on top of all of that my mental instability. One day I hope to have a moment in which we can talk like adults and atleast you have the understanding that I genuinely miss your friendship more than anything in the world...i don't care about your boyfriend I just hope you don't hate me...

this sums up my love life lol...
till next time...

oh PS Is it a bad thing that I waited this long to finally say IM NEVER DATING MY EXES AGAIN?
cuz when I said this to number 2 she got all emotional on me and blah blah a thought

if I tell my friends an ex is an ex for a reason I should atlas follow my own proverbs right??



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