Monday, June 20, 2011

Recent scattered thoughts

My heart is still broken

Hahah I'm so happy and it's strange I don't long for anyone, u don't want anyone, I'm grateful for so much more in my life than I have ever been in my entire life.

I nearly died three times in my 21 years on this planet and seriously each time is lesson. Two of which were car accidents.

It's fathers day and he's out in Chicago and honestly on this day he's crossed my mind three times other than during the course of writing this shit down.  I've been away from you. I've been drinking and smoking again... I've been loving my friends and enjoying the time I have left here. Something is coming...I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, my heart says it's coming, idk what it is but it's coming. I just hope that when it gets here I'm ready to play my part and do what's right.

Years have passed and honestly you still cross my mind...

At this point I don't even know who you are anymore. I wish I did, I wish things were different, I wish so much some times I think it's just me speaking about things that God ignores. You aren't my hope, you don't haunt my dreams anymore, my  biggest fear is not becoming the man that you wished you had stayed with. My greatest fear is becoming less than who I know I am to become. All I'm going on right now is hope and a prayer that when I land in NEW YORK that everything just gradually gets better and better for me...

I'm so scared of failing myself, my family, and most importantly not living up to my expectations of myself...

-hazey

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