Sunday, February 28, 2010

A weeks summary

This past week was interesting I'll say. I really wanted and even tried to reach out to those I've lost contact with. I went to church again, lol :]. So here's last week in the nut shelll

  • I didn't get a car yet,
  • I did however find a 76 camaro that I seriously am feigning for. Its a beautiful car. I have a few obstacles that I'd have to hurdle first with that car.
  • I am still car shopping.
  • I did however get some good news
I was so very frustrated with life itself. I know everyone has their own troubles but here are mine.

I was a part time worker who bust his ass 4-5days 35 hours a week for nearly 4 years for the few things he has to his name. A full time student,no children,no debt and most importantly no criminal record. I had a car that I used to work at that point I hated my job but so very grateful for it considering so many people out of work now. I was hoping since last year to get a decent tax return and be able to either upgrade to a newer car or fix all the problems I had with lucy. I get into a car accident and everyone throws me under the bus(I didn't however hit a bus, I hit fucking X5 BMW's biggest motor vehicle), I'm not a demon to the world, I work, I love, I laugh, I study(to a degree that best suits me lol), I attempt to stay on my path going in the direction that I see fit. The insurance company wont cover anything WHATSOEVER, My job wont do SHIT FOR ME, and im not sure if this lady will sue. I just recently got the police report and it further confirms that the accident was not my fault. So im guessing you are wondering WTF is the damn problem?
  • I lost my means of transportation to and from school.
  • and when you live outside 285 its hard to catch a bus considering that don't run anywhere near my house
  • meaning I no longer have a job
  • meaning i have no money to do anything making me completely dependent!
  • with no money to really buy a car im using what money i have from school and my taxes to find an inexpensive car but there's one issue with that

I have less than 3 grand. When you are shopping for a car under 3 grand its a dice roll. The chances of me finding a car that runs well and lasts long enough for me to find a new job is less than that of finding a car that wont just die on me the next morning. So with that said I'd been pretty frustrated all week considering I didn't ever see this coming, I have limited resources to get on my feet with. Especially since I pictured myself else where instead of where I am, so yes I was!

Then a good friend of mine said some kind words to me that reminded me of a familiar comfort. Anyway she said, you know itll work itself out and you'll get back on your feet soon. So yesterday,saturday, I saw the wonderfully beautiful camaro that looks just like bumble bee from transformers(not the new one the old one :] ) I saw it. Horrible interior! but 55,000 miles on the dash board, new intake, new engine basically, black on black with big tires on new rims.

Now on friday I had my lucy dropped off at my house, shes still fucked up and can only see out of one head light :/. I realized I could do a few things because when I was younger I was a bit of a gear head. I still to this day love cars and want to build one from the chassis up. I realized I have all of lucy's parts. I can move my cd player, my pioneer speakrs, I had a custom steering wheel in my room from my best friend mike, and I can send the fabric for the seats to my aunt and have her fix them for me.

ONE BIG Problem! no job to fill her up and keep insurance on her. I wen and filed for unemployment this week. From the looks of it. I should get it! Pero Nada Seguro!"nothings certian" I learned that the hard way! So if I can wait a week and cross myfingers that he doesnt sell her, I might be able to find a job or get a check from the DOL and be on my feet very soon!

Now before I got all excited I have to continue looking for cars because if he sells the car, im going to me and a lil heartbroken.

Now with that said my brothers basketball game was hilarious! We had signs, team cheering, we even boo'd the opposite team btw their 13-14. It was fun. I managed to accomplish a lot more than I thought this week.

As of next quarter I will no longer be a criminal Justice major. I'm changing my damn major again! :] I'm gong back to my heart, my soul, my passion, my life. Music. I know I know there are soooo many people that want to do music nowadays. I am not them though. I don't want fame, I don't want fortune. I want to complete that list on the RIGHT hand side over there thats it. If God blesses me with more than its a blessing(lol).

Anyway I went out on saturday again. I went to La rumba again. I had fun, of course, just someone crossed my mind. I've been wanting to call them so badly. Not to reestablish anything, not to start anything, but just because I miss them genuinely. I want them to be apart of my life. Shit happens and I can't be mad at them for the path that is their life. I texted them today, they never replied. You would take that as a hint right? They want nothing to do with me, or they were busy!(see benefit of the doubt). I don't know if its that I wish everyday that I heard from them or that it bothers me from a place deep down that I don't hear from them at all. Everyone has their own life and I completely understand that. Shit I forget to call people every day. I don't want them to commit anytime to speaking to me or even think I want them to speak to me everyday, everyweek, every month...NO! Once in a blue moon would just be nice. I miss them, and just wanna see how they are doing.

Aside from all this frustration to get back to being the man I should be, I am happier everyday. I won't lie I get mad, I get stressed, I get down, but I can't lie I am so very much happier deep down from this whole ordeal.

my parting words

to any woman who isn't reminded everyday
you are beautiful and everyway
you are a jem, precious but not a prize
love only those who love you with sinless eyes
open hearts, and honest words out and inside
You are a storm, power in its finest hour; an overcast
you make it rain, and I'm not talking about a rappers cash
not even the weather channel can predict that

Updates later

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I Miss That Feeling

I miss that feeling

The curves that corvettes never bested
A touch that made a man stronger
A smile that was all but lovingly familiar
A modest woman, but never appeared flat chested
A love that lingered and stung longer
Longer than any touch, nothing felt realer

Don't get me wrong it's finished
But I am a man who knows what he wants
And will take nothing lesser or diminished
A powerful love, incomparable to any other
I know how it feels, so i know it's real

It may sound silly, but I know what I want to feel
Life is short, beautiful, and dangerous
Why shouldn't the one I turn over to be just as furious?


Sunday, February 21, 2010


Today's sermon was about Grace. Not in a sense of figure skating or anything of that nature but Grace as in God making things right within you and around you. When we think of grace we think of Athletes and their ability to do what they have trained and practiced so hard to do. We think of peace amongst the chaos. The eye of the storm where all is still and calm.

I have a feeling this week will be rocky. I also feel it will be rewarding.

While in church today I came to grips with the fact with my feelings for my father. I am not mad anymore. I've let those things go, because I know its not my place to judge him. I am not his maker so it is not my job nor my duty to do such a thing. What I realized is that I am disappointed in him for things he had control over.

I know part of the reason I am where I am is through my own faults, as a man I have to take and correct my own faults. I ain't self righteous or anything. The sermon today mentioned to me that God can interfere with your life in a way that will put you where you belong. That HE/SHE will put you through hell to show you its time to change. The life you were living is not how you should be living.

So with that in my mind, I said to myself, HE/SHE took my car, my job, my peace of mind in reliance on my car to show me something. There's something he wants me to stop doing, someone to stop speaking to, someone or something I was doing wasn't what HE/SHE wanted me to be doing. I have a few people, a few habits, and a few patterns of thinking that I believe he wants me to change. Me losing my car, may have been the best medicine for me.

The Sermon also talked about direction and walks of life. The Rev. said its funny how we all have these goals, and plans, and meticulously detailed steps in life that we want and see ourselves doing with our lives. When what we may want to do with our lives may not be what HE/SHE wants us to do with our lives.

I'm so frustrated with everyone, everything, and the snails taking over my fish tank hahahah. So I have a Saints Symbol hanging from my neck, the Fleur d' Lis. I was told it represents Grace under Pressure. God knows I don't have an ounce in my body hahah. I am looking to find a new car this week, hopefully a mustang :-], I've wanted one since I was like 5 hhahaha which wasn't too long ago compared to some. Also I am looking into a new occupation of bar tending. Yeah, don't judge me hahaha.

So here are my goals for this week
  • Purchase car, two door, between 95-2006 for about 2k(yeah craigslist is hilarious)
  • Begin the job hunt again
  • Rap up ALL final projects
  • and somehow or another show some GRACE if things don't go my way...(i think one of my exes would agree with this damn line...hahah oh well old habits die hard even for them)
anyway pCe


Friday, February 19, 2010

I don't want you

I don't want you

I like you, I love you
We click and flex
We match, we mesh
But it's all emotional
Lust is the driving force
I'm sorry but your face is optional
Not a choice for me of course
Heartless? Me? Why yes
Say what you must
Your not what I truly want
You turn me on only, so it's just lust
Don't ask me for what you want

I know this to be true
When I'm with you
My eyes still wander the room
No I never notice your new perfume
Your hand I don't want
Your love I don't need
Don't get me wrong the sex brings me to my knees
But if I found someone else, you wouldn't even hear from me
I may kiss you, I may hold you, I may even one day love you
But from the bottom of my heart, understand I will never truly want you

*I think everyone can relate to this one*

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Our dreams, your love

Deep Breathe

I'm sitting back reflecting on my day and it's course. The ups and downs, the mountain highs and valleys below. The emotional roller coaster I'm riding in my day to day life.

I've come to a few conclusions. Since I'm a writer I'll express it the best way possible.

My memory serves me best
I guess
The words of the past
Seem to haunt me again
With your words in the wind
And your breathe on my heart
I look at the growth I've attained
And hope that with it I one day gain
The hope I've lost along the way
The pain everyone endures is deep
It scars from our head to our feet
Leaving traces of love in your stitches
To live in our dreams or live in your image
Is a goal we strive every day to reach
Some lose hope and are lost to the road
Some reach it fast, and some's pace is slowed
Some never reach it and are doomed to return
Through our dreams we strive for greatness
But me, I'm different I strive with patience
My worst fear was to be a forgotten memory to her
Now I look back and say why did I fear it?
Being in her memory, a stain, a punch, a kick!
If that's all I'll ever be, well that brings my heart comfort

Nuff said,

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


It seems as though I've stumbled on to a new problem. This kind of talk seems to follow me around from one woman to another.

"You make me wanna abandon my beliefs and fuck the hell outta you" seems as though I am not a man, Adam, so to speak. Instead of being Adam to Eve, I am the apple.

Temptation, lust, desire, primitive urges...

I honestly at one point loved that feeling. The ability to destroy and break down any wall in my path set in front of me by a woman. Now I wonder if that same ability is my down fall?

I don't know but for now it appears to be a problem, that will undoubtedly be the same reason I am single, regardless of how many women I sleep with...

Like seriously its fine if you like being a shiny tool that causes people to do anything and everything to get it. The sad part is when they get it, is it worth it?

So far what I've found out, doesn't prove that it is...

My question is, what now?

just a question

Okay so I just posted this and now I'm revisiting this with a quick side note.
I have a saying, "Great to have not to keep." Meaning I'm not a bad person to date, just a not a man you wanna marry. I'm not crazy or anything lol. Seriously! I'm not lol. I just know that I'm kinda like crack. You love me and can't stop yourself from indulging. When you do finally get control of yourself, you can never relapse....

I seem to always get the same luck with women...oh well...anyway just a bit of background info for you


Monday, February 15, 2010

My heart just broke


Its like you...
its like you...
almost as if...
kinda like...
I can't put my finger on it...
but you crossed my mind and my heart broke when this song came on...

I'm glad your happy...
I'm glad you need not cater to me and heart anymore...
I'm glad you moved on...
I'm glad you don't think of me or anything in reference to me...
For one reason...
Because I know in order for you to force it out of your mind, it had to, at one point,
mean something to you, if not everything...

>>>[Beautiful- Musiq Soul Child]<<< To the rest of the Heartbreak isn't easy as we all know and can plainly see. Moving on isn't as easy as some people say or think it is. For everyone is different. I have moved on. (See Previous post) I'm just not sure if I should still even have a tender area left in me for someone, who wants nothing to do with me...


I think of you

I think of you

I think of you as a dream
A pleasant thought slid in between
Words of broken promises
And the comfort your lips bring
The lyrics your eyes sing
And the joy your affection brings
I'm not in love again, this I know to be true
I just wanted you to know,
That I think of you

I may not text, I may not call
But from my cloud of thoughts, your image will never fall
You pull me with energy I can't explain
As if you've got my mind, my brain

I refuse to fall for you, I know this
I need no convencing
When the day comes to an end
It is you my mind is missing
Odds are this infatuation will one day end
But for now I'll enjoy it and it's heart beat
As my heart rises and falls, I wonder if I'll dream of you in my sleep...


Hazey's Back

Beloved readers I'm sorry for the awkwardness.
I am still here. Thank you Jess and Ms. Rubies for your words. Thanks for the birthday wishes and the words that made me think a lil lol.

I've been going through the motions I guess. From the insurance companies, to my job, to my friends, to my family, to school and its stresses. I am here, stronger, breathing, thankful, and hopeful.

The past two to three weeks have been all very interesting to say the least. From a house party that put a smile on my face that was much needed. To celebrating LIFE and ALL ITS JOYS on my birthday weekend the day after my crash. I remember going to see my car two days later at the junk yard and getting my belongings out. The guy even said, "Its great to see you're alive and walking. You definitely had a hand over you."

I'll come back with poetry later on tonight I can smell the winds of literary-works in the air. Believe me it don't always smell good.

tell a lil later :)

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Way I see things uneditted

Damn yo the thought

The thought of me not waking up tomorrow doesn't scare me much. To be honest it shows me two things. The final thought of leaving is beautiful. What has me is the second, the thought hoping someone will miss me and that it changes Gods mind.

Today was the beginning of my birthday weekend. I turned 20 officially on Monday. I've done nothing but repeat the same mistakes I made last year and the year before this past week. I've been through a little in my short time being here. It hasn't been easy but nothing too hard. This past week before my birthday a childhood friend of mine past away, didn't know how to handle that. He over dosed on heroine.

Today Friday the 12th of February I got into a head on collision car accident. I hit a woman and her infant daughter. They were fine and so am I, I hope, I didn't want the medics to check me. I felt so damn bad about everything I've ever done that honestly if I past I deserved it. Those words are hard to say becuase my mom just got the news two hours earlier that she  won't be losing her house to foreclosure.

I totalled the car, all I can remember is that just before I hit her, I saw an old friend of mine. He worked with me once, he got into a head on collision too. He just wasn't so lucky. Everytime I think of my accident, I stop and say what the hell? He, my friend, shattered his pelvis, was in a coma for 3 months almost, had his intestines removed because they were so inflammed, he broke his entire right leg, meaning he's going to need a cane for the rest of his life and was diabetic. Seeing him walking towards me today was, miracluous. I saw him 10 minutes before my mom found out about her house. 

Now all I have is an injured wrist...

So when I came to after the crash I was so shocked that I didn't say much. I just sat there shivering... As people franticly checked on them. I guess they were the victims in this. Nevermind my car and I were fucked. Her and her husband both drove BMWs, her suv is still drivable. My life seems like it's just going to get tougher. I mean even when the cops and medics came I was the last person spoken to, or even checked, they had time to speak to everyone else. Eventhough my car was destroyed.  

I hope this doesn't seem like a complaint or ungratefulness, it's not. Just the way I see shit...


>>>{ Beautiful- Eminem}<<<

Friday, February 5, 2010

One simple question?

I don't wanna go into detail about who or what this is about too much too soon so yeah...

Has the world really gotten to a point where you can look at a close friend and know its so much easier to say fuck you and bounce than it is to actually speak to them?

just a question?


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

funny text convo

"I didn't mean for it to be a Jab at your Age"- S. Bama

"I'm built tougher than that don't worry about that"- Hazey

"I'd like to know what built you, I'm headed your way in two weeks"- S. Bama

"hahaha I was built with brick of HONESTY held together by martyr of LOYALTY rested on a higher belief in GOD, come get some lol"- Hazey

"That has to be the sexiest thing I've ever heard"- S. Bama

okay...yeah she had ya boy rolling for a good minute yo
...til the update pCe


Monday, February 1, 2010

Break Even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Mom one day I'll take all those tears you let fall bottle em and sell them back the asshole who made them fall in the first place...

open heart surgery

IDK random has nothing to do with whats going on around me...
anyway enjoy :] I'll give you all an update sooner or later...BIRTHDAY IN 7 DAYS :]

Ladies and Gentlemen my hearts open
the drill used to cut through bone is still smoking
nothing can sedate me so my eyes are open
the doctors telling me what path he's chosen
through my hearts arteries hes already begun closin'
rerouting blood to places strategically woven
finally I black out and dream of nightmares
the painfully stabbing me places in there
as the light brightens
I enter a battle of two titans
Oso and Turtle constantly fighting the demon
The one who blurs my vision and yet I always see him
He's got revenge on his tongue and dice for eyes
shoulders made of steel with words made of lies
Deceit is his best meal, it feeds him well
from under his feet bloom flowers from hell
the kind that leave scars when tested or made
They never seem to win no matter how many times he's caged
He destroys friendships and bonds that should never be broke
skin as orange as the sun, murder on his chest, it written i quote
he is the demon in me as I awoke
I see things different people taking care of me with back handed grins
after they save my life they then
send me a bill, with a thanks a smile and name written in pen...


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