I Could Be...But I'm Not...

I could be fearful. I could be doubtful. I could be timid. I could be any other feeling other than completely certain. For some reason you give me certainty and hope. Normally I would feel fearful of who you could be. I could doubtful of what we can be. I could feel so many other negative feelings but instead you are all positive attraction...I just...I just know who you are...I am secure in who you are and what we will be...wether it's friends or more...whatever happens between us I'm just happy it happens...


I could be alotta things...


but I'm not..
-Hazey

3 piece

There are 3 pieces of me spread out amongst some people
the first is in NY and honestly I am not sure if that piece needs to be returned but it was,
the second is here in GA
and so is the third.

the First is my Love

the Second is my Pride 

the Third is my Trust

i'm sure most of this makes no sense to anyone but myself so I'll explain

She was the first woman I ever loved outside of family and in many ways still has a major influence I should say in my destiny going forward because of what we went through together and apart. My best friend. As I mentioned a long time ago back in December or January, I don't quite remember which, She apologized for the pain she caused me. I look back it now and realize that she was giving me the words I needed to hear just in the best way that she could have ever put it.

I got the 2nd piece of me back last week.
Its almost incredibly heartbreaking that I lost it in the first place...
So this is to you, number 2

You took a lot from me. You made me question everything about myself from my heritage to my own thoughts and feelings. You stole my confidence from me. You took everything that I thought I knew about myself and destroyed it. But most importantly you killed my pride. I know that Pride is a sin, but as men we all have one. Its just something I believe everyone has as well. You killed my pride what made me tick. My confidence soon followed and honestly for about 4 years I hated you for it. I look back at things now and really want to thank you for what you did. I am so much better now because of what you did...correction "what I allowed you to do to me" I understand now that I hold equal responsibility in the harm you caused because I should have fought harder to preserve those parts of myself in the first place. So from you i gained so much more than what I lost. All I wanna say now is thank you for helping me become a better person. I forgive you...don't be sorry for what you did, because you didn't know what you did in the first place...

The third piece my trust well she took it, honestly I'm still not sure just how much trust I had in her because of my own fears, self doubts,  the lack of confidence and misguided mistrust from my previous relationship and on top of all of that my mental instability. One day I hope to have a moment in which we can talk like adults and atleast you have the understanding that I genuinely miss your friendship more than anything in the world...i don't care about your boyfriend I just hope you don't hate me...

this sums up my love life lol...
till next time...

oh PS Is it a bad thing that I waited this long to finally say IM NEVER DATING MY EXES AGAIN?
cuz when I said this to number 2 she got all emotional on me and blah blah blah...lol...just a thought

if I tell my friends an ex is an ex for a reason I should atlas follow my own proverbs right??


-Hazey

ive had quite a bit to drink tonight

with that said lemme speak my mind

lemme say this but umm I'm not a hater but this song is pretty hateful

bitch I fucking hate you

everything about you

your walk

your voice

your talk

to your choice

of who deserves to be in your life

and who don't

im not a hater but i wont

let this hatred consume me

like the red stuff runs through me

your nothing but a memory of yesterday

if i could id erase you

id fucking replace you

and turn everything we had into planes

shoot them down from the sky 

while we smoke and float high

fuck you bitch Im on to better things

you fill my dreams with those things

that remind me of us and of all that i trust

and I cant seem to forget what you said when you left

so I run to the sun and with hope in each step

ill take one last breathe

and say fuck you and everything thats left

so Ill take my chance with you and all of this shit

fuck you bitch

i deserve so much more

bitch I hate you

all thats about you

from your walk

to you talk

to your voice

and your choice

of who stays in your life and goes

im a man of real dreams

and my eyes read the seams

of the stitch in your lies

their right in your eyes

fuck your hopes and your dreams

i know it aint what it seems

im a hater and your just a win

but every lie you once told

it made me so cold

and now im just afraid to forget

the bullshit i heard

and pain i endured

fuck you bitch in my eyes your a bird

-Hazey

Momma(Grandma)

im thinking about everything and its tearing at me to think about it
And I know its killing my mum to know and be in the position she is in right now
and all I can do is be strong for the both of you and pray, pray my heart out for you both...

for a long time ive wanted to feel something
and right now in this moment i feel strength
I feel duty, I feel proud, I feel like I have the ground beneath my feet again
its strange...

I don't make promises very often but this one I'm making right now...

I gonna make everything better mum, I'm gonna take care of everything I promise you wont have to worry about money, your health, everything I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT ALL...you wont have to worry anymore...I promise

when the dust settles

As I write this I admit one thing I am afraid for the worst...
Tomorrow begins my last day on lithium carbonate and my first back to non-daily medication...
I am afraid of turning to the bottle...
alcohol that is...
I don't need a drink everyday...shit I go days at a time with out a drink but when I'm stressing like I am I do what I always do...
talk to God all day long, pray before bed...
and either medicate myself to sleep, smoke marijuana to fall asleep or lay awake in bed all night...
I will say that on a brighter note I officially mailed off my acceptance letter to SUNY Old Westbury in Old Westbury, NY...which means I am declining St Johns wonderful offer...I really wanted to go there but it appears that God has other plans for me...only time will tell how things unfold...

I will be leaving this summer what day I have no idea yet...
I am of course excited to move but fearful of the realizations to come...
I financial troubles here I maybe young but I my problems now...
I know running from your problems won't make them go away they will just follow you...

I really just want to get better...I know there is no such thing as better in my case but you know what I mean...
"One day at a time..."

ps...i REALLY, and I mean really like Gaby...random I know but hey im human...
-Haze

I'm feeling kinda sentimental

I'm kinda emotional today its strange...

anyway if a pictures worth a thousand words then to me this picture is worth 10,000

theres nothing I wouldn't do for these two...we've been through a lot over the years and they've always had my back.

we've grown up alot over the years but I can say with mike having two kids anthony having one and me having none we still party like its 2008!

my friend Mike the one in the middle got married today. I really disagreed but I am a loyal friend and just want to see him happy. With that said I wish him the best of luck in marriage. I'm in shock to be honest...more later 

-Haze

Another

So ends another one...yup I'm single again...lol...im sure your thinking when were you not single...lemme put it this way I was with her officially for a 8 days...lol...i mean seriously its kinda funny...if you ask me...but oh well she like so many other girls said one thing and were feeling a completely different thing...In many, well in truth I felt her break up coming and I expected it and in so many words was praying for it. Since we got together I was looking for a way, thats a damn shame right?? I found it funny that while talk to my psychiatrist she told me that I didn't even like her...then she breaks up with me right afterwards...She said she doesnt know what she wants...shes thinking about someone else at night...and those words didnt hurt, tear, rip or even phase me...I guess the doc was right...I hope she is cuz if I see something and it hurts imma be pissed that I feel anything at all...

-Hazey

Forever

I gave her too much power

She could call me at any hour

Delivering to her hearts tower

If she only would pay attention

Shut the fuck and listen Stop thinking with her head and listen to her hearts diction

It's calling for me

And with a little time I can pick up her call

Tell her what's within my walls

She's always been looking for something more

I can give her the keys but she has to open up the door

Move herself in to and feel at home

Listen to my beat and never again be alone

Acceptance is the key that opens up your heart

Sad thing is I'm what you been looking for from the start

I say nothing as I watch you chase a dream without me

But I know you'll never find another man quite like me

You let fear stand between you and happiness or is it worse?

I gotta watch my words cuz I know this hurts

But you put me to the side hoping you can find better

Thinking I'll always be there if you must face the weather

I'm sorry to say this but I can't wait for you, forever...

-Hazey

today feb 8th 2011

Today February 8th was my birthday, I was in a good mood and literally in mood to just about anything. I gotta say my mind wasn't as scattered as last year. This year there's only one person on my mind and honestly she knows who she is.

On turning 21, im not sure how to feel really. I am happy of course. The hardest part about turning 21 is the realization that i am 21, ALL the hell I caught over not being 21 is over. I gotta say it feels good. I am and will remain me tho Im not a lush.

To be completely honest I have nothing to say on this post other than I am 21 finally and its almost not a big deal to anyone but me, myself, and I. I need outta here. At least I know and expect no one to give a shit about me. I guess what my mum says is true, only a hand full of the people you know will ever truly give a shit. I guess I shouldn't ask for more huh?

Atleast those mofos on facebook took the time to say happy birthday right??? So for that I am grateful :D
I am grateful for Gavin and Alison for taking me out on my bday. I AM  GRATEFUL FOR MY MOM taking me out on my bday night. I am also grateful for Sabrina's video....touched the heart....I am grateful that my father sent me a text msg this year...better than a facebook msg lol...i am also grateful for living to see this year. I pray that I will see many more.

I dont have a great wish for this year. I dont have a great desire for this year. I dont have a burning itch to do something because I am 21. I dont have a wish for this year which is different. This year I just want my life to go in the direction it was meant to go in God's plan for me.

thats all for now
-Hazey

The Evil thoughts and The Sermon

Evil Thoughts

Was it a mistake to say a thing to you?

I try to have faith but it slips and fades

throughout the day I show a different shade

I love you and you know it too

say it back but are your words true?

Do you understand what I feel

Do you understand what is real

Things that seem the same sometimes change

I know I said I don't expect anything

But would a text from you really mean anything?

a phone call or letter

talking about sex or even the weather

which is better?

a best friend who is unpredictable

or a lover whom isn't really believeable

damn...

-Hazey

Love is

The theme for this year is Love, Irony.

The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.

The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.

"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."

First Corinthians 13:1-7

Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5   

Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5      

Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6 

Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1  

God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.  

What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be

4 life

I wish that I could have that moment for life

her apology made me feel alive, her acceptance makes my world, her affection isn't gold, her love is tho...

my best friend

my only love

-Hazey

Conflicted

I am conflicted.

I like you, you are a lot like me, a friend I can't see myself actually losing but anything is possible. Its hard to type today, so excuse the typos please.

I don't wanna send the wrong message to you

at the same time I wanna send the correct one too.

How can I put this? I'm usually great with words but now at this moment I am all but confused.

I can be your friend but that means more space must be used

I don't want to care about the picture that stands

because everyone makes castles in the sand.

Your a lis d fluer yellow is your aroma

I want what I can have that is my glaucoma

visions of what I want are blurry and fuzzy with burn marks around it

the smell of whats real is haughty yet your smile surrounds it

how do you give up when you've barely even started yet?

move on like yesterday and the day before last i guess

when its all said and done my path is restricted

go or stay its all just conflicted

-Hazey

Not heeding ones own words

Hahahahahahahah

So I misheeded my own words, today. Glad that wasn't my new resolution. I was told off by an exes new boyfriend...lol...I know, why was I talking to her? To be honest I just texted two letters "hi" when her bf responded I said, "nothing just saying hi ...how are you? happy new years". Stupid right?!  The first thing on my list too! Oh well to be honest I didn't even expect a reply considering I haven't spoken to her in months.

But I was atleast pleasant to the following response lol from his single response I can see so much is  not funny. It actually makes me wonder what I was like when I was jealous or felt threatened by another man wanting my woman. Was I irrational? I mean seriously the guy talked as if I knew something. Like there was some information that he knew I knew which in fact I didn't. Glad all I did was laugh and say nice to know. I don't know when a man acts that way from what I remember it means, "I'm not sure if I have firm grip on her heart yet. Go away."

So after literally having to conceal my laughter all day, I've come to the best conclusion. Hahaha he's threatened by me. I mean I know I flipped ape shit when another guy hit my girl up so I see why it happened. A confident man wouldn't have to tell me "she wakes up next to me."

I was kinda flattered lmao. In all seriousness God has been talking to me for a long time.
And I learned that when the lord delivers you from something don't you dare go back to it. I should have heeded my own warning  I knew what I knew then actually the same thing that I know now, DON'T!

Fuckin hilarious and but definitely not a lesson that needed to be learned.

Now with all that I don't have to feel guilt anymore...and being where I am I think the deliverence from that situation was definitely for the best. There were reasons for God's actions even if he never shows you. I remember all to well the emotional turmoil I was in with that person and the amount of stress that was on that person as well. I'm glad it worked itself out for the best.

After it all I've begun where I left off. Thinking about heading to NY, what am I saying I already applied to two schools in New York.

I've got my associates degree, I'm working, I have a car, a roof over my head, I maybe single but I'm happy. If it weren't for the things that transpired I would still have that very dark demon over my shoulders. Learning that my "highs and lows" as she would describe them weren't my fault. God does have a plan for me...

So I leave with an interesting question

What's worse? Being with someone because you don't know how to be with someone else and unhappy or being single and lonely? I'd pick lonely.

-Hazey

The man with no heart

  Excuse me for the side note, but Was I really unforgettable or just another joke? Do you ever really miss me or am just a ghost A past that's too fuzzy to remember Remember when were both members? Of a unsinkable ship of relations Icebergs of mistrust weren't so mistaken And words between us were so misplacen You were my sun to east and voice of the south I was your moon to west of your mouth You'd listen to my poetry as it flew in So many things have changed baby where do I begin?  Should I start where parted ways Should I tell you about my party days The women of no significance Or just tell I wanna be friends again? It seems like life is on a mission man And we are oblivious to the mission's plan And where do I fuckin stand? Here I am the man with heart again...  -Hazey  

Love is Corny

She said something in response to my words. "I think love movies are cheesy/corny" She responds "I guess it depends on your views of love"

So here is what erupted from that thought, my last love was the best point of reference because she's the only person whom WAS in love with me...

Being in love was like being on an island. Circling around the same subjects, some good some bad, not because I didn't understand the bad but because the problem was never truly solved. I felt like I was trapped in an ocean of their ambiguity.

Yes, an island. What is on the island depends on who you are in love with. I never knew what to do because no matter what I did the same results showed. I felt insane. Like I was trying to solve a puzzle that had no answer to begin with. Nothing to build shelter with but plenty of sunshine when they were were happy. When storms would rage their anger would unrest the seas. Their waves of subtle insults took forever to digest.

My thoughts on love are simple. Don't fall, fly...

an Ode to lil Bruh

An ode to lil bruh

You are oblivious, to everything. You kick my ass in dominoes all the time, yet fail in math. You look up to me and I realize that more now than ever. Our father has never really held any real weight in your eyes. In my opinion I have to make sure I live up to every expectation you have of me. Your are my burden and dammit I'm proud to take you as it. I wanna lead you in the right direction by leading by example. I'm moving to New York for myself but I'm doing it with all the right intentions. I wanna send you things in the mail. I wanna bring you out to stay with me for the summer once. I wanna come home as if I never lost touch with you. Your all I have and I don't intend to lose sight of that.

To that lil man whose taking pride in his beard which hasn't grown in yet. The guy that kicks my ass in dominoes. The guy that is just like me with women, very particular. To the guy that reps the white sox til the death of them. To the guy that can somehow not close a single door including the cereal box lid. To the guy that can run numbers so damn fast it's astonishing. To the kid I can go joke for joke with all day long. To the guy I can just chill and watch a show about suping your car up. 

Much love lil bro
-Hazey

Letter to my ex

I originally wrote you a longer letter but this is much simplier

"you didnt make any promises and you didnt break any"

-Hazey

Dear Bob Marley

Dear Bob Marley

Thanks!

So much love
-Hassan

New Thoughts

Now that I am fully aware, I have new questions about going forward. I mean I knew I had issues before: deep trusting issues, constant reassurance, and some other odd ends. But now that I am fully aware of this*clears throat* disorder, what changes? How do I tell women this? I mean would any relationship ever work if I have this disorder? Can I continue to be successful if I can manage to get this under control? I'm confused about what happens now...

Now that I look back at things, the fights with loved ones, I can see that things weren't as they appeared in my eyes. All I can say now is, where to next? Can I have a relationship and it work? Is it possible? Or is it just going to be the same uphill battle? These thoughts are discouraging but not deal breakers...

Sent from my iPod
-Hazey

I fuckin knew youd do this bullshit

i knew youd fucking do this shit...and right before i get there...
you always do this shit...i wanted to say "to me"...you aint do this shit to me...
you did it to yourself...give yourself a barrier...idk...its time i got over you too...
My trip to New York is about to be the fuckin same as it always has been...
a gotdamn waste...idk wht to do...
all i want is my best friend...yet everytime i see you, it aint you!
its you and...I dont need the AND! I didnt fly 750 miles to meet some nigga...
i dont wanna be with you while you are busy not paying attention cuz your too busy on your phone with them...
this isnt a jealousy thing...its just I'm tired of coming between you and the people you are interested in...
I dont wanna be a third wheel...
you say I aint in the way but you literally just dont get it...
i just want my best friend...but its beginning to look like I need to let this friendship go...
because one day somebody will make that step...
and I'll have to disappear...
no matter how much it hurts me to do so...
I have to let you go...

i guess its true, men and women cant be friends...

i'm not sure what to say at this point...

-Hazey