Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry it won't be long

Don't worry, it won't be long before I forget you
It won't be long before I forget to
Lock up my heart, and leave the key for the next one
Maybe she'll want me more then the past some
Who never saw the potential, or couldn't take the pressure
It won't be long before her hearts pleasures
Become the day to day, might I also say
I'll love her deeper and stronger in every way
She'll actually have my love, and I'll finally get it all in return
No more hateful distaste of those you left a burn
And left my heart to yearn
The sun will rise in her eyes
Set between her thighs
Her mountains will tower over her depths
And my hearts in her corridors on the top step
You'll see my love on her hand, her smile and in her song
One day I'll find love, so don't worry it won't be long

-Hazey   

Sunday, November 28, 2010

[Teach you...

>>>[ Teach you a lesson- Drake]<<<

So this past thanksgiving has been very insightful. Btw yes I realize it's 5:11AM Sunday morning. So I'll start with wednesday night.

Wednesday night I was extremely stressed out driving to south ga. I was also excited to tell my mom the news about winning a vacation to the Bahamas. Now this seems odd becuase the night before me and Sabrina talked about some extremely dark things, depression, so the news was a good boost for me. My main concern was getting to Albany on thanksgiving day with a bad tire with both me and my uncle and get back. I had never my car on such a long trip before, jus to let you know my trip to Florida would have been my defining tester for this scenario. Also gas, I was cutting it short because of my recent plane ticket purchase to New York. My uncle calls me, I also have a cold, at 11:30 pm asking me if I am asleep. I was drifting but he ruined it. He was telling me he wanted to bring over the ham food dinner tomorrow.

Now at this point I think he's high or drunk but I know he doesn't do those things. Anyway some woman in the background, whom I think was either his ex wife or his girlfriend, I'm not sure. Btw he's 60 years old and for him to be unwed is normal for my family, for both the men and the women. I tell him to bring tomorrow and that I'm leaving at 12 noon. Goodnight.

This nigga shows up at 8am, to make a phone call! He drove for 20 minutes up from panola road to my house to make a gotdamn phone call. I was a lil ticked but not too much. So I ask him how much he can give me for gas he says 20 dollars, I was like that won't even give a full tank. I drive a mustang, and Albany 2 1/2 hours away! Also I need a tire. So I tell him i need him to ride with me to see if this tire shop is open on thanksgiving morning.

It turns out while I was getting dressed he called all of my cousins and aunts and uncles from the house phone. When I came back down stairs from getting dressed which was about 20 minutes, he left. So now at this point I'm confused beyond belief, but that's my uncle.

With that said I call him and ask why he left? He tells me he had to return the car he borrowed. Now I'm pissed, but I let it go. I filled the car with the last of my money until Saturday. 

We get on the road and I tell him exactly what he just did to me in the past 9 hours that made no sense whatsoever. Now that I look back at his tactic he's kinda manipulative...

Anyway we arrive in Albany after 2 hours and 45 minutes on the road ,he had to pee. By this time it's 12:30, and my mom shows up with my other cousin. The thing is I've noticed that my mom has changed towards my cousin Cat, becuase now she stays with my cousin Alisha more often. Who knows, it could be the new boyfriend or something else, idk. Anyway, I gotta say that guy is creepy, lol. Now the funny thing is my uncle steve shows up he's a cop. He shows up around 2 ish and eats early. Then around 4 my uncle frank shows up along with shell, Dion , and my grandma. My mother asks me when I'm heading back I tell her tonight. She says no and everyone points out my tire. 

Here's where I hang my head say I deserved the punishment of Saturday morning more than anything. I wanted to be home in time to have a party, honestly. She tells me that I'm staying and that they are gonna have the tire replaced in the morning. I say fine well can have my uncles 20 dollars to put in my tank cuz we burned all the gas I put in literally! He tells me no. Now I'm really pissed off! He bugs me and manipulates me into leaving earlier, uses all my gas to get here and refuses to pay when we get there...I say fine and try to let that shit go. Thanksgiving was good, family, food, and the after dinner laughs. As usual, gotta love em. So I fail to really sleep after watching a movie with the family. I have a cold and sleeping on a couch doesn't make it any easier. 

The next morning my cousin pooht shows up, he is one of my cousins that's cool not exactly a role model for no man is perfect but a good person nonetheless. He brought me two tires to put on my car considering they were larger than my set. Now I know what your thinking, mix-match tires? Well I drive a mustang. So with that said mustang owners often have two different size tires on the car because it is a "rearwheel drive" car. Say that several times fast. This basicaly means smaller tires in the front and larger tires in the back. Now that does causes two things to happen to me. 

Less chance of fish tailing, but depending on the situation it can cost me less for tires than most people. Reason being is I'm not buying a whole set of tires. On the the other hand I can not rotate my tires and I will simply just have to replace them. 

Anyway back to the story. My cousin and I went to the family owned garage. Which was odd becuase these men worked as if the work wasn't desired. I looked around and noticed that they has no competition and most of the people in the area had to come here or drive much further for the same service. I find out that my cousins tires are 3 inches too tall and that I wouldn't be able to go over bumps because of how low my car was to the ground. So I just purchase one tire.

When I get to my other cousins house my mom says call me before you leave. I say I can't I need gas clarence didn't leave me the money. Now she's irritated and tells me to go to my uncles house and get the money. She calls him before indrive over there, to find out he's not there. She gets in touch with him and tells her he will pay her back. That royally pissed me and her off. She fills my tank and I hit the road. 

Party time! I get really fucked up, there was about 13 people at house that night not counting myself and 3 others. So it was nice not too many people but plenty of beer pong. I tools shotof 1800 silver tequila. That night I was sick and blew chunks. The next morning I threw chunks until about 3 pm. I was in alotta pain...

I deserved it! I threw a party in my house with women, beer, and marijuana. I was having a great time, not spending it with my family, lik I should have been! Served me right not being there. I really did have to work Saturday, I was so sick I couldn't even dial in. The fucked up part is  I know this week is about to be hectic...

I've spent all day at home by myself, and I took a bath and the name of this entry came on. It reminded me of someone, and the night asssociated with it...

Hahah yeah, she learned alot that night...lol...so did I! In the park after dark and not getting caught, is pretty nice ;). Memories man! Anyway the title fits because I remember feeling like such a child while I was with my moms side of the family. 

Them fixing my tire and helping me and not being grateful that someone somewhere does care about me. So after the party ends and the silence begins, I should be grateful not resentful of there help. 

Food for thought...

-Hazey

Sunday, November 21, 2010

an answer

I think I got the answer today, it finally hit me...
Trey Songz put it best and literally put it in prespective...

now I wish we never did it...

Its kinda like the fear I saw, wasnt really fear, maybe it was pain...
I never figured that it might hurt you to look at me like it hurts me to look at you...
damn I...now that I look back at it...all i've been doing since you is trying to forget you and I know for a fact that hasn't been on your mind, not even remotely...I see now...but still...

I wish we never did it...


"Can't Be Friends"


Look? what this girl don' did to me
She dun cut me off from a good good love.

She told me that those days were gone (gone, gone, gone)
Now I'm sitting here going half crazy

Cuz I know she still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you (you, you, you)

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

The way it felt, no faking it
Maybe we were moving just a little too fast.

But what we've done we cant take it back
Now I'm sitting here half way crazy

Cuz I know she still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

And all I can say is
La la la la la la la la laaaaa
La la la la la la la la la, la la laowwww
La la la la la la laaaa, heeeey

Ain't no tellin what we could have been,
Ain't telling what we could've been, oooh
And if I knew it would end like this,
I never would have kissed ya, cuz I fell in love with ya,
We never would've kicked it, cuz now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it
(ouu layyy)

And I wish we never loved it (I wish we never loved it!)
And I wish I never felt so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

La la la la la la la la laaaaa
La la la la la la la la laaaaa 


the fuktup part about it all is that it took me this long to realize this...and that even after all this time I still have no idea how to move on from it...
-Hazey

Saturday, November 20, 2010

from the soul

Dear...you...

when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?

Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...  

I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...

Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...

I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...

My simple question:

From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?

-HaS

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Ups of life, and a few of the not so ups

Ladies and Gentlemen I have some good news,

Im headed up to New York, NewYork next month...Im still kinda shocked I booked the flight...but things have changed...




First things first
 the JOB...lol...I gotta raise...to be honest I may have two raises ahead of me...THIS shit just dont normally happen...but it makes me feel good that somethings are getting better after all this time...

second school...
these muhfukahs messed over my paperwork as I have noted earlier...but I am still going to attain my AA so I can get the hell outta GA...for a lil while anyway...

Third
life thus far has been interesting...I met a woman whom is choctaw the opposite tribe to my dads side of the family...that was interesting...oh yeah my aunt whom is 15...yeah I said it...15...added me on facebook...what the hell was i supposed to do? not add her? lol shes younger than me but shes also my dads last step sister...anyway for the most part i don't date anymore I have too much I need to get straight to get caught up...i know that sounds cliche but I'm trying to move to florida, get a club built and used in the next 4 years...at the same time manage a group of musicians to get them off the ground...all the while juggling a job, a car, rent, and COLLEGE!...got damn...

got damnit...

anyway

I turn 21 in less than 90 days!!! im excited yo just thinkin about all this shit...but there is alot of work involved...and I know Im ready...

also im planning on having a party this thanksgiving weekend!...shh tell no one lol

4th and most favorite of them all is im GOING TO NEW YORK! i need this damn vacation...now I can grind with a real goal ahead of me you know!!!

Life is looking up yo...

-Hazey

As a writer I have to say

As a writer I have to say Why not write for the simple fact that someone else can read it and understand it? Whether or not someone agrees isn't the point. The fact is human communication is necessary to life itself. "No man is an island." The topic of writing in today's world more than speaks to me, I feel it. The writer shouldn't horde there thoughts let alone forget them. It makes sense, the saying that is. History is nothing more than a story told from a perspective of, valuable information, invaluable and worthless information. So I say to anybody who is afraid to publish there thoughts, what other reason do you not have to write? Other than the simple fact that your message or thought, sparked some kind of reaction...

Writers are just like artist of other genres of forms of art. We are creative with the basic form or foundation of the one technology we as a people should proud of. Speech...

Write your thought down and publish it...who cares about the judgement of what you think! Literally? Who cares? Why is that important? What you feel is what you are capable of communicating to the person that you are speaking to, not what you think you are saying...misunderstandings? Sound familiar?I remember that somewhere I read that more than 60% of fights are over defending memory in fights amongst couples...Says alot don't it?

Anyway I am trailing...

Basically be fearless in some of your posts...who cares what negative reaction someones going to have about it

-Hazey

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Facing my facts

Nothing is set in stone if you don't leave Jan 1st it's okay...you just have to make sure that you set ur ducks in line and keep them on track from that point on...March 1st maybe the move...shit June 1st if necessary but all the while you HAVE TO GET YOUR SPENDING UNDER CONTROL...period

Your gonna face set backs and push back which is fine...but giving up completely is just reinforcing what you have already found...that you can't devote yourself to anything...therefore you have no passion...so find it...

...2 weeks later...

as of today the school screwed over my paperwork...so yeah...im glad i caught myself before finding out this bit of information...

Updates soon...

-Hazey

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dad and his damn voice...

You know without hesitation

I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...

This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.

I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?

Humph...

Yeah my thoughts exactly...

Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"

The fucked part is I never had answer...

When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....

I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and  most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...

As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?

Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again!  Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"

I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol

-Hazey 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

this is a horrible thing to feel

i looked back at some posts i made in 2009 and 2008 much to my surprise considering i rarely ever read what i write...and i began reading some of the things i said...deep things...things that i wish i never said...much less published to the world...

i feel, stupid, niave, childish, immature, and kind of ashamed...mostly at how stupid I was to get myself all worked up about something that just wasn't meant to be...

#2) Nothings feels worse than the moment in an argument that you realize you were wrong

hoping for things we can't have is however human...

i guess...


better news on the way...
-Hazey

Monday, November 1, 2010

its the first of November

They say give it ya best, but i always give em my worst
through the flames of  my failure this is what gave birth
through a mouth of confusion, people hear my words
understanding thoughts that made no sense when i heard
the verbs of birds cluckin words you neva heard, hit the curb
Hazey gettin hazey wit ya lady while she yellin please dont play me
buring wit my ninjas in the winter killin splinter
turtle green kermit in the shell of december
flavor off the wall so good i cant remember
tryna find my passion dawg, im tryna find the winner
somebody please remind me why im such a sinner
Cuz her ass is mighty fat but waist is mighty thinner
yeah i said it dawg im tryna get up in her
no man is ever perfect, just gut the dutch and place me in the center
so break me down and roll me up, and you can spark me in the winter
Flame me up!

-Hazey

commitments and passion...

you know im a typical mothafucka!!

Its getting close to the wire and honestly, i think im catching cold feet...
I have commitment issues you know...i know nothings ever certain...and nothing lasts forever...
but would it kill you to give me something that lasts forever...
I have all these decisions to make that honestly arent helping me accomplish anything yet...i want to be something but I can't find anything...

New York... my best friend...

Florida... my best friend and a career involved with music...

Chicago... living in the Windy

Here... Life as it is...

i still have no idea where i should be in life... im deathly afraid of moving to florida and becoming nothing...following a dream that i even question...im an artist i know this...I fear doing music and no one liking it...no one feeling what im saying... I havent been at this music thing my entire life...more like off and on...

my problem is ive never devoted myself to anything...ever...thats why its so hard for me to go through with this i guess......................damn...my answers just like that...

ive never commited to anything...ever...all iver ever done is get bored and move on...from people....situations...passions ive had momentarily...

no wonder somethings always missing...

I have no passion for anything...nothing that makes me feel good just doing...nothing that brings a smile on my face without shame...

I need to find you...whatever it is you are...
the one thing no one and nothing can ever take away from me...
something i crafted with my own research, devotion, skill, know-how...

everyone has goals, but ill never reach them if i never find what it is that makes me tick...
I need to find my undying commitment, my passion...

what ever that may be...

-HaS & Hazey

20sb

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