this is a horrible thing to feel

i looked back at some posts i made in 2009 and 2008 much to my surprise considering i rarely ever read what i write...and i began reading some of the things i said...deep things...things that i wish i never said...much less published to the world...

i feel, stupid, niave, childish, immature, and kind of ashamed...mostly at how stupid I was to get myself all worked up about something that just wasn't meant to be...

#2) Nothings feels worse than the moment in an argument that you realize you were wrong

hoping for things we can't have is however human...

i guess...


better news on the way...
-Hazey

Temptation

It seems as though I've stumbled on to a new problem. This kind of talk seems to follow me around from one woman to another.

"You make me wanna abandon my beliefs and fuck the hell outta you"

....it seems as though I am not a man, Adam, so to speak. Instead of being Adam to Eve, I am the apple.

Temptation, lust, desire, primitive urges...

I honestly at one point loved that feeling. The ability to destroy and break down any wall in my path set in front of me by a woman. Now I wonder if that same ability is my down fall?

I don't know but for now it appears to be a problem, that will undoubtedly be the same reason I am single, regardless of how many women I sleep with...

Like seriously its fine if you like being a shiny tool that causes people to do anything and everything to get it. The sad part is when they get it, is it worth it?

So far what I've found out, doesn't prove that it is...

My question is, what now?

just a question
-Hazey

********
Okay so I just posted this and now I'm revisiting this with a quick side note.
I have a saying, "Great to have not to keep." Meaning I'm not a bad person to date, just a not a man you wanna marry. I'm not crazy or anything lol. Seriously! I'm not lol. I just know that I'm kinda like crack. You love me and can't stop yourself from indulging. When you do finally get control of yourself, you can never relapse....

I seem to always get the same luck with women...oh well...anyway just a bit of background info for you

********

Just so I can Sleep(Case Closed)

For the past few weeks now I've been sick and shut in. The recent lose in my family is very bothersome I will say. We hate that he's gone. I'm blown away really.

As much as I want to make this post about him and the memory of him I can't (the post After this one will be in memory of him :] ). I've pretty much lost a large chunk of faith in people in general.

So everyone forgive me for what is being said here but I need to get this off my chest. These words are much more than anybody would ever deserve.

Yesterday was a very powerful day for me. I was up and full of energy after a very uncomfortable morning. My cousin had me look into a girl who says we go to the same school. I decided to say whats up since she was talking to my cousin and why not I might be able to hang out with a few new people in the process right? Well the first sign to me that this was a THE DUMBEST BITCH I've ever had the gracious opportunity to speak to was on Facebook. She argued with me about what credits transfer and what credits don't from our school. She says to me none of our credits transfer that's how they keep you at our school and that she checked. Never mind I investigated at a few select schools and my credits DO in fact transfer. I let it go said hey we should chill when we're both on campus. I asked her how long had she been at my school. She said three months! I was like okay that's strike two! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT YOUR CREDITS TRANSFERRING, WHEN YOU JUST GOT TO THE GOTDAMN SCHOOL!

*clears throat* I said oh I've been here almost two years. She's like damn wasted credits if your tracsferring. I also let that shit go. She then proceeds to give me her number saying she's got to go and calls me a cutie. [not to sound like my head got big but after two strikes she needed something to keep her as atleast a friend] I was okay I'll ttyl. She says text me now I can't find my phone I do. She then proceeds to tell me she's going on a date. I'm like oh thats whats up. I didn't care I don't want the girl she's not my type.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS BITCH TEXTED ME THROUGH HER WHOLE FUCKING DATE!

She tells me she met the guy at a bar(she's only 19) and was kinda drunk. I'm thinking Strike 3. First of all if you find it in the club leave it at the club don't date it! Now she tells me he's fugly, sorry but i laughed so damn hard at this dumb bitch. I ask where did he take you and wow you were so drunk that you didn't remember him being ugly. She says Barncles. I'm 20 in less than 28 days :] and I know, I KNOW that barncles is a fucking sports bar that guys between 28-50 go to on the weekends to avoid their wives. I ask her how old is he and he sounds cheap. She says 35, I'll repeat that again 35! SHE'S 19(her birthdays in september *cough*)

Now anyone with their right state of mind KNOWS that if you don't remember what they look like why date them? I asked her did you know this prior to your date. She says NO. Strike 4 and 5 yes people she gets 2 strikes for that dumb shit. If you don't know this man, don't remember what he looks like and don't know his age and STILL PROCEED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM?! You ma'am are a dumb bitch.

*Clears throat*

I laughed at this bitch. She then proceeds to call me. I was in the shower I text her back and said you rang? She says you couldn't call me back. [I'm wet, naked and in a towel.] My mom proceeds to tell me the horrible news of my 5 year old cousin Sean's death today. I just stop talking to her. She texts me again. I say I'm going to bed I have a migrane and my cousin has just died. She texts me WHAT. I repeat the damn text message because apparently she's illiterate too.

I then need to go down stairs and speak to my cousin to see if he knows. She messages me on facebook saying, migrane huh? lose my number. I say IDK what to say to you really my cousins dead but okay I will. She says damn, Fuck You. You are a Liar.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS, THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME HURT MY SOUL ALMOST AS MUCH AS THE NEWS ITSELF.

She says lose my number and stop talking to me go fuck yourself. I was kinda feeling you up until now. You've been cool all day until now.[hmmmm I WONDER WHY?! and I wasn't feeling you like that, nor was I talking to you like that from the jump bitch I DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE THAT NOR AM I ATTRACTED TO YOU IN THAT MANNER, and you have too many strikes on your record for just meeting you.]

What is the world coming to when a person can accuse me of lying about the death of a little boy to whom I'm related and seen him grow? He was only 5, he was born with two lungs but only one works the other didn't develop. He wasn't supposed to have made to kindergarten. But he was a fighter and he made it to school, it just kills me inside...

I'll talk about my cousin later. For now FUCK DUMB BITCHES FA REAL, dumb bitches are the last thing I want to deal with in the midst of such a lose in my family...

*sigh*
Case Closed Next!
-Hazey

sometimes

"Sometimes I wish I knew what to say to make you come back. Yes as a man I will say it I fucked up a lot. I really do wish there was something that I truly knew and felt in my heart that you knew were true as well. I wish I had said what you wanted to hear and truly believed it. I wish I knew then and I wish I knew now. "

-Hazey

>>>[ Shadows and Regrets- Yellowcard ]<<<>

Bad moods

I gotta say bad moods suck. I find my bad moods tend to just bounce from one person to another yet never ever do they get taken out on my brother or mother. Its crazy, but anyway I need a break from financial burdens but I realize that may never happen. Life's a bitch and honestly I don't plan to wife her. I've been completely out of words, patience, energy, money(lol), time(to a point where niggas call me in my sleep and wake me up), but mostly I'm out of, well I wanna say direction but that's just not true, then again I wanna say wisdom but that's not something you can literally run out of, then on another tip I wanna say will. Yeah that's it. I am out of the WILL to deal with people in general. I think I'm cranky cuz of a lack of food, my damn uncle keeps eating all the food! Anyway another day begins in 29 minutes(its 11:31pm). I wanna sleep in but nope I must awake and drive my uncle to Kensington station then I off I go to work. When did my life head in this direction?

anyway good night world

if you don't know, to whom it may concern, this song is a clue to you that you crossed my mind...

>>>[A Little Bit- Lykke Li ft. Drake]<<<

-Hazey

My thought progression- exert from my personal notes and thoughts

Does anybody else see the mental progression of thoughts here????

There comes a point in everyones life when they have held back there words long enough. Seriously I've had enough. 
So here's to clearing my head of you...

I miss you, I do, I miss you a lot, but I've come to see that everything worked out for the best. You are happier, I barely hear from you, but I won't say anything to you because you are happy. I want to see you and hang out with you but I know better than to believe that I'll actually see you. I'm glad you are happy and doing your thing. I'm not mad, sad, bitter, or upset about anything. I know you probably feel like I'll never let somethings go. I already have. You just haven't spoken to me long enough to find out. I miss you but not in a romantic way. I miss the friend I made back when I first met you. Back when nobody would hang out with you really.
I remember you telling me about how the girls wouldn't so much as come get you at times when they got together. I didn't feel sorry for you, I actually liked you for YOU. I will admit I was slightly attracted but that was skin if you know what I mean. You were my friend, I liked that. I wish we could still be friends like we were and hang out, but I understand your busy with your friends and your family and work and school. So am I, but would it kill you to text me once in a while? You used to everyday, now I wouldn't know if a cake landed on your house and swallowed you whole.

I miss my friend Jessica that's all. It's like you break up with me but in reality you severed all ties to me. Is that what you truly meant? I remember saying to you everythings going back to the way it's was before me. Like I never even existed and honestly that's how I feel. 

The when I was with you, I was happy at first. Then I began to feel like nobody to you, you started getting mad at me for wanting to hang out with you like we always did, reason being is because your friends were calling to hang out more often. The whole deal with him, I'll leave alone because no matter how I explain it you'll never see it how I saw it. To be honest I don't care about that shit anyway.
 
I'm nobody to you now. It hurts because when you say "my friends" it's like I'm not one of them. I'm just some guy you dated for a little while and dumped. I'm literally nobody and honestly you hurt me in two ways. The first was that you moved on and I knew the day we ended everything. The second was the fact that everything that I believed had some common meaning to you and I was always looked over and forgotten. Like I meant nothing...

So there that's the ever lasting scar you left on me. This...this scar, makes me feel like I didn't even affect you. Like I was nothing more than a speck of dust on your shoulder. Like was nothing to get with and nothing to shake off and move on from. Although I will say the last three months were more than what I asked for...nevermind I don't even know why I typed this. You are happy and...and I want you to stay that way. No you don't call, or text, even respond normally for that matter, but I don't want you to start speaking to me out of guilt or because I said something about it. I'd much rather you spoke to me becuase you want to speak to me. Or hang out with me because you actually want to hang out with me, not because I opened my mouth. That would show that on some level I am somebody to you...

Bye,

-HaS

I gotta say Im not there at night. Who knows you may miss my phone calls...I'm not there you may miss riding in my car...I'm not there who knows, you might miss me showing up at your office...I'm not there who knows you might actually miss me at times...to be honest I would never know...you might still have that picture of me on your desk (I highly doubt it but hey)...I wouldn't know I'm not there I may have left a scar...if I did I hope it heals soon...I would never know, damn...I hope you do miss me on some level...but like I said I'm not there, I would never truly know...      

The Dotted line

I gotta say that that was the bottom
hoping for something that I know won't happen
its funny to me how a bit of inspiration leads to a dream
funny how the heart speaks with no words
and how easily it can sway your days
changing your best mood,
That silence in solitude that can turn to tears

After a day of being completely lost at who I am and what I am about I came to some conclusions. Sickness not only fucks up your daily life but also your brain chemistry. I had been on bed rest for about 5 days this past week. Being able to walk around and talk to people feels awesome. I was happy VERY happy before I got sick. Now that my sickness is fading and I am returning to normal physically, I want my damn happy back. I notice it ain't coming back that easy. During my solitude I also noticed what my heart has been searching for so damned hard to find.
For years I have felt alone, and at first I thought it was the absence of a lover. So down that trek I lead myself. What a blinding and truly damaging road that was and still is. My heart is alone but not in love. I grew up so differently than other kids that I have been exposed to. Many growing up in the same neighborhoods for long periods of time, or moving from one place to another but many times going back to one place or they grew up so damn random I can't relate. I grew up in many places. I grew up with Koreans, Mexicans, Dominicans, whites and blacks. I didn't grow up in a small town. I grew up in many cities. I was a military brat at the beginning of my life. I find it hard to relate to people.
I hate walking into a room full of people and being stared at like a piece of strange meat the dog dragged in. Its discouraging. No! I am not like everyone else. I listen to rock, LOUDLY and I'm black and live in the south. I wanna play guitar, in high school everyone had a crew of people that they fit in with. The messed up part was I fit in no where. Not even amongst the nerds man, WTF! I look for companionship everywhere and have finally seen that, I am an anomaly in the equation of what a black man is. I don't talk like, act like, walk like, listen to the same music, think like or even fit the description of a typical black man.
With that said imagine what women see? I mean I hear that women look at me and see one of two things, gay or taken...(-_-), first off I can't stand other men too much anyway so those of you who even let that cross your mind go play with it(that thought of me being gay) in the middle of traffic. Most see that I'm taken, but the truth of the matter is I'm usually single. I don't hit on women alot because well I'd get sick of being hit on everywhere I went. That and I would rather get to know you before I decide to share bodily fluid with you.[lmfao]
The times that stick out to me the most have to be how I grew up and how other men grew up. My father, yeah not a great father, nor a very good one at that to be honest, didn't raise us to be men. To be honest he raised us to be something else. We were never close to relatives, like other people. Never shown how to interact with other men by him. He never showed us what pride in ones abilities looked like or even felt like. He never showed us how to walk tall and be confident. To be honest he didn't show us(me and my brother) what its like to be a man. A man shouldn't have to ask that from his father. My father, a confused native american male, his father left when he was 12 so he didn't know how to raise men. I don't fault him for that, that was not his fault. Just the things my father tried to provide us with separated us from other kids but in ways that made it hard for us to handle other people. Yes, he has been there, but he's just been a figure for many years. Those past 6 years of my life to be honest, I should actually be dead somewhere. Its strange to me when I see other guys getting really into watching football. I'll play it but I don't like to watch it. I find many things that guys do to be so very strange because well my knowledge when it comes to male interaction is very little. When it comes to female interaction its actually the same damn thing. He never talked with us about liking girls, or what he used to do. He honestly doesn't even speak about his childhood.
Anyway all I can say is the lack of similarities with others gets to me such to a level that it affects the way one preseves oneself. As I grew up no matter where I went I was always said to be different. Not like everybody else. After a while a person whom is deemed different wonders where are all the other people out there that are cast out as different from the norm? Or even if those people exist? Am I ever going to fit what women want? Will I ever just be able to just hang with the fellas? It plagues ones mind to a point where they find themselves always discontent not only with themselves but with the world around them.

thoughts for now
-Hazey

on that note

on that note I hope you see
that I will amount to something
on that note I hope you are
there when it all to happens for me
on that thought,
I hope from then on
you don't see me as nothing
from then on I hope
I hope I make you proud of me

-Hazey

updates

Okay so its been a while since I have given the world an update on my life thus far. I think its time I gave an update. I got a speeding ticket in Dekalb county in June. I went to the recorders court but by the grace of God himself the power went out and they must hence forth reset my court date, thank you Jesus! I was going exactly 33 miles over the speed limit and according to a recent law past my liscence should be suspended because I was caught going 30 miles over the limit under the age of 21. So you can best believe that I am so very happy to be able to drive and take my happy ass to work.
Okay so I'm single and in the past month and a half I have meet a few new people that honestly deserve a good 7 laughs. First up is a good friend of mine named Hill. I swear she is cool people but is like the spitting image of Christena my ex girl friend whom fucked me over very very badly. Now with that said she acts and even walks like my ex. She has a similar voice but not exactly. I often times find myself getting irritated with her over dumb shit that my ex did that I couldn't stand back then. Gotta work on that. I am not, will not, and shall not ever date and/or persue any type romantic relationship with her. For several reasons. She is a serious pot head and sorry to say it but she runs through guys fairly quickly. In my head i'm screaming "Hell NAH not even, BUT we can be friends and be cool ye digg." Now as far as everything else about her, she seems to think I don't want her because of her weight. Well, thats partly true but the first two things I mentioned are the things that KILL her chances with a shotgun. Yes I will admit she is a heavier set woman but that aint whats killing it, its the fact that she acts like Christena that's killing it. So after basically demolishing all of her hopes to ever get with me we are now just good friends. And to be honest I enjoy that.
I also met this random Dominican girl named Lucy. Yes she has the same name as my car. Quite ironic if you ask me. But nonetheless she was just a reminder of what I like in a woman. I love Latina women. Don't get me wrong if you are of another race I won't discriminate, I will in fact participate :). Anywho she informed me that the Dominican restaurant that I used to go to quite often was actually a cover up for a drug operation and the owner is now in jail for a LONG time.
Now aside from that Dominican there are my friends the Vazquez family. Justin recently moved to Georgia to live with his family here. He's cool as hell, Dominican as fuck. Now the part that has me in a bind is the fact that the house hold contains not one but two children under the age of 1 and there happens to be a lot of well unlawful activity going on if you get my drift. I honestly don't want to be apart of that anymore. Especially because the last few times I was there, 5 police squad cars pulled up. It was on that note that I decided it was time to move forward.
It was recently that I remembered who I was. Being that yes I had lost myself. I had lost myself for exactly 3 years and 2 months. Never thought I'd be the one to say this but I'm glad I finally recognize myself. Could you imagine waking up every single morning for 3 years and not recognizing yourself in the mirror. Every time I would pass by a mirror or see my reflection I was surprised or worse, I didn't even know that's what I looked like that day. Yes I could remember what I was wearing but I could never put my face on anything. I couldn't recall my own image. It was after watching the movie Orphan and smoking a good bit of marijuana that I realized what happened to me. You see I am not a perfect child, I was in fact involved with drugs, gangs, and honestly a lot of illegal activity that I know for sure that I should be in jail for. Thank God I'm not. The past is the past and moving forward is what life is about. It turns out that when my best friend left the state to get away from one person, it changed me. I didn't follow my dreams anymore, I didn't believe in myself anymore, and I didn't recognize myself anymore. I am a musical person with my artistic attributes. So tell me how does an artistic person lose themselves so much that they abandon all artistic ties and take up criminal justice or business as a career? Well I somehow or another did and when the person that I was woke up from 3 years of sleeping, I literally asked myself WTF!? Why am I not in Florida? Why am I still in Georgia? Why am I criminal justice major and why don't I have anything music related or even art related in my belongings anymore? I don't know but for years I seemed to have forgotten myself and it only took three broken hearts and a broken dream to wake me up.
So now that I am awake I am considering moving to Florida again. I am currently trying to find an acoustic guitar and a teacher. I want to attend many poetry slams and begin a few of my own. I want to attend def poetry slam if not be apart of it then at least watch. I want to travel the world and hopefully along the way find that perfect girl.


DAMN, it feels good to be back :)

-Hazey