note

note to self if you thought it was bad the first time....

why?

WHY?

WWHHHHYY???

ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN WITHIN THE SAME 24HOURS?

im making a list of all the things I shouldn't have but did do!

damn i've gotta long list to make...

*please read these following posts to understand the content behind this post*

diablo

self control

-Hazey

A letter to myself

Dear Hazey da Turtle,

You have done a little bit of growing but you have so very much more growing to do. In the experiences of your life you have learned WHAT, a man is made of, what makes a man, and also what can break a man. You have seen the valleys of the death carved out by fallen men before you. You walk a tight rope from one mountain to another hoping that if you make a mistake you live to correct it. You've seen the joys of life knowing that they need not be said. You have also learned you are far from a man.

In your own mind you have seen that you aren't meeting your own standards. Paying attention to what you have said and the words of other fallen men, you see the mirror isn't so warped anymore. Life is hard, DUH! You aren't like other men, and that's alright. You can be different. You don't carry yourself like you used to. You changed, you changed for a good reason. Your mother raised a certain type of person. She can't raise a man, she can only birth a boy. She can help guide you but she can't lead the way. You wish you had a role model who lead the proper path but that wasn't always so clear. You veered off the path set before you, the past few years you have been picking up the pieces to a shattered dream. You have been reckless, childish, and have made some pretty disappointing decisions.

The person you have become is completely different than the man you thought you'd become. The lessons you learned you thought you knew. The heartbreak you went through was unnecessary in so many ways. From the moment you allowed yourself to see things fo what they are,you've been happier. Like a baby you are learning to crawl, to stand, to walk, to run, to jump. The world compares you to a puppy because when you do finally grow up you will be what some many people believed you always could be.

You find yourself asking yourself why aren't you good enough for anybody? What's wrong with you? Why can't you be like everybody else, why can't you just be normal?

Answer is simple, you aren't meant for just anybody, you were meant to be perfect somebody; you aren't normal because you are a gift, special, different, because you USED to dance to beat of your own drum, you aren't everybody else you are YOU. Grandma always said love someone who accepts you for who you are. But first, you have to love yourself...


-Hazey

In The End

(12-29-2007)

In the end this is what defeats me
the simple fact that I never meant anything
knowing after everything I was nothing
not something other than a phase
a scream, a cry for help
I was the one who was there on those long days
now its me who needs to be placed on a shelf?
To be forgotten and overlooked
to be taken for granted, bamboozled, fooled, shook?
No, na-uh, not me baby girl, things have changed
I have to say since I opened my eyes, shit ain't the same

Your words, once said
seemed like poison in my head
playing over and over, loud enough to wake the dead
Drowning you out with sleep and weed
Laughter amongst friends over a beer, yes indeed
A full recovery I deserve one, but no not you
I've said this before, my worst nightmares come true
through your pain, bad dreams, and more
To see you fall would be nice but a little twisted at best
I say this because you forgot me and everything that, well that is best
kept to me I guess
Gimme ten years and we'll see what happened to you and me, til then
NEXT!

-Hazey

updates

Okay so its been a while since I have given the world an update on my life thus far. I think its time I gave an update. I got a speeding ticket in Dekalb county in June. I went to the recorders court but by the grace of God himself the power went out and they must hence forth reset my court date, thank you Jesus! I was going exactly 33 miles over the speed limit and according to a recent law past my liscence should be suspended because I was caught going 30 miles over the limit under the age of 21. So you can best believe that I am so very happy to be able to drive and take my happy ass to work.
Okay so I'm single and in the past month and a half I have meet a few new people that honestly deserve a good 7 laughs. First up is a good friend of mine named Hill. I swear she is cool people but is like the spitting image of Christena my ex girl friend whom fucked me over very very badly. Now with that said she acts and even walks like my ex. She has a similar voice but not exactly. I often times find myself getting irritated with her over dumb shit that my ex did that I couldn't stand back then. Gotta work on that. I am not, will not, and shall not ever date and/or persue any type romantic relationship with her. For several reasons. She is a serious pot head and sorry to say it but she runs through guys fairly quickly. In my head i'm screaming "Hell NAH not even, BUT we can be friends and be cool ye digg." Now as far as everything else about her, she seems to think I don't want her because of her weight. Well, thats partly true but the first two things I mentioned are the things that KILL her chances with a shotgun. Yes I will admit she is a heavier set woman but that aint whats killing it, its the fact that she acts like Christena that's killing it. So after basically demolishing all of her hopes to ever get with me we are now just good friends. And to be honest I enjoy that.
I also met this random Dominican girl named Lucy. Yes she has the same name as my car. Quite ironic if you ask me. But nonetheless she was just a reminder of what I like in a woman. I love Latina women. Don't get me wrong if you are of another race I won't discriminate, I will in fact participate :). Anywho she informed me that the Dominican restaurant that I used to go to quite often was actually a cover up for a drug operation and the owner is now in jail for a LONG time.
Now aside from that Dominican there are my friends the Vazquez family. Justin recently moved to Georgia to live with his family here. He's cool as hell, Dominican as fuck. Now the part that has me in a bind is the fact that the house hold contains not one but two children under the age of 1 and there happens to be a lot of well unlawful activity going on if you get my drift. I honestly don't want to be apart of that anymore. Especially because the last few times I was there, 5 police squad cars pulled up. It was on that note that I decided it was time to move forward.
It was recently that I remembered who I was. Being that yes I had lost myself. I had lost myself for exactly 3 years and 2 months. Never thought I'd be the one to say this but I'm glad I finally recognize myself. Could you imagine waking up every single morning for 3 years and not recognizing yourself in the mirror. Every time I would pass by a mirror or see my reflection I was surprised or worse, I didn't even know that's what I looked like that day. Yes I could remember what I was wearing but I could never put my face on anything. I couldn't recall my own image. It was after watching the movie Orphan and smoking a good bit of marijuana that I realized what happened to me. You see I am not a perfect child, I was in fact involved with drugs, gangs, and honestly a lot of illegal activity that I know for sure that I should be in jail for. Thank God I'm not. The past is the past and moving forward is what life is about. It turns out that when my best friend left the state to get away from one person, it changed me. I didn't follow my dreams anymore, I didn't believe in myself anymore, and I didn't recognize myself anymore. I am a musical person with my artistic attributes. So tell me how does an artistic person lose themselves so much that they abandon all artistic ties and take up criminal justice or business as a career? Well I somehow or another did and when the person that I was woke up from 3 years of sleeping, I literally asked myself WTF!? Why am I not in Florida? Why am I still in Georgia? Why am I criminal justice major and why don't I have anything music related or even art related in my belongings anymore? I don't know but for years I seemed to have forgotten myself and it only took three broken hearts and a broken dream to wake me up.
So now that I am awake I am considering moving to Florida again. I am currently trying to find an acoustic guitar and a teacher. I want to attend many poetry slams and begin a few of my own. I want to attend def poetry slam if not be apart of it then at least watch. I want to travel the world and hopefully along the way find that perfect girl.


DAMN, it feels good to be back :)

-Hazey

I think I..

I think I understand now,
You aren't done molding me,
You haven't finished working out a few things in me yet,
I will never be perfect but I'm not able to make anything work,
or get any relationship to work because you are still working on me.
I'm not ready yet, I'm not done yet...

I wish I was...

>>>[Got to Get My Heart Back- Keyshia Cole]<<<
{WIP}
Believe it or not this picture was taken of me by you almost a year ago. I have to say I wish I was still this man. I wish I could still be him, I wish I could still be this man because you loved him so much. You had a passion and desire to be with him. He felt that you loved him. He felt secure in his relationship with you. He wasn't worried with trivial things. He wasn't disheartened when he heard your ex's name. His face didn't frown up when you left his side. You would call him every morning and every night. You would make sure he was your first and you last every night. You were scared but you trusted him with your heart. He was the first person you thought of when you woke up. You were the first thing he thought of when he woke up. You and him got along so easily back then. You two just worked. There was no effort. You were willing to work out all differences you may have had between each other. He had a love affair with you heart that I am so jealous of. He could reach you, not in a physical sense but on an emotional level. You two were inseparable. He was your turtle. He made you believe in love. He was far from a closed chapter in your life. Your heart wasn't so torn between two men as it is now. He had a hold on you that never made you fight yourself about being with someone else. I wish I was him again. I wish I could meet you tomorrow. I wish I could, I'd love you so much better, I'd do so many things differently. I wouldn't be where I am now. It hurts so much to know I am not him anymore. It...I...I wanna be him, I wanna be me again...I want to be him for you again...I wanna put you back together and you put me back together just like we did the first time.

Now I feel like I can't even so much as get you to understand me or how I'm feeling anymore. I feel like I can't reach you, I feel so out of touch with you and your heart...Let me know if you feel the same way...


{to be continued}

next up coming movies

The following movies are rated A for fucking awesome :]

Gamer- Gerard Butler- 9-4-2009

Hurt Locker- 6-26-2009

Moon- Sam Rockwell- 6-12-2009