Wednesday, April 21, 2010

DIABLO!

before I get started I wanna say, if you are reading this, and you know who you are, this post reflects nothing upon you. Its me venting...stay the way you are...


these are my words...my fears...my hopes...my side of it all...understand me if you decide to read this...

1

aight I gotta get this outta my head before it explodes from the thoughts of things I know I do not need in my life. You and I fucked, period. It shouldn't have happened. I DO NOT REGRET...I told myself it wasn't going to happen and just like that I was in you. It was wrong, don't get me wrong it was good. SHITTT its been MONTHS since I've smashed so naturally I wasn't my usual self about the situation.

2

I wasn't using protection. I used the retarded rhythm method with a woman I know I have no business fucking. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if this ended in a shotgun. I seriously hate that I let my faults get the best of me again.

3

I...you...we aren't ready for a kid. SHIT, we aren't even together. These words hurt me to say because I know these were the words that my father said about me. He was unprepared, to be real he didn't even want kids, just like me...

4

I know that making us be together if said circumstances were to arise wouldn't help. It don't work without a kid. It wouldn't work if we had one.

5

I don't believe in abortion...

_________**______________
this isn't even about me or her anymore. In my head its about the kid...I'm not a dead beat...I'll take care of mine even if she wont. It just sucks that I've put myself in this position when I told myself I wouldn't. It hurts that when it comes down to it my lack of discipline and self control didn't even exist in that 45 minutes. I'm upset with myself now...on the same day I get my chance to stand back on my feet with a job. The same day I get the blessing I needed I fuck it up with something that is human to do. I'm human, I have needs. Its been months, I don't know if that was God's gift to me or the Devils bait. I'm working so hard on myself to get my shit straight. I try my hardest to do the right thing and be an example to my brother and pride worthy son to my mother and what do I do? How do I repay her for all that she's done for me? this is how?..makes me literally wanna cry...but tears have no value...and neither does anger...all I can do now is hope I pulled out in time...

Funny how irresponsibility can leave one's future within the confines of a few seconds...

"Making a mistake I fail to learn from"


Dear God,


I know that there are reasons for your actions even if you never show them to me. I know you won't lead me anywhere you can't protect me. With that said, all I can do is leave it in your hands as you walk with me...


amen


my friends say we're fine, nothing to worry about...but I don't know if that is your plan...

-Hazey

1 comment:

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens said...

Woah! I sooooo know the feeling you're feeling. I hope it works out.

20sb

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