these are my words...my fears...my hopes...my side of it all...understand me if you decide to read this...
1
aight I gotta get this outta my head before it explodes from the thoughts of things I know I do not need in my life. You and I fucked, period. It shouldn't have happened. I DO NOT REGRET...I told myself it wasn't going to happen and just like that I was in you. It was wrong, don't get me wrong it was good. SHITTT its been MONTHS since I've smashed so naturally I wasn't my usual self about the situation.
2
I wasn't using protection. I used the retarded rhythm method with a woman I know I have no business fucking. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if this ended in a shotgun. I seriously hate that I let my faults get the best of me again.
3
I...you...we aren't ready for a kid. SHIT, we aren't even together. These words hurt me to say because I know these were the words that my father said about me. He was unprepared, to be real he didn't even want kids, just like me...
4
I know that making us be together if said circumstances were to arise wouldn't help. It don't work without a kid. It wouldn't work if we had one.
5
I don't believe in abortion...
_________**______________
this isn't even about me or her anymore. In my head its about the kid...I'm not a dead beat...I'll take care of mine even if she wont. It just sucks that I've put myself in this position when I told myself I wouldn't. It hurts that when it comes down to it my lack of discipline and self control didn't even exist in that 45 minutes. I'm upset with myself now...on the same day I get my chance to stand back on my feet with a job. The same day I get the blessing I needed I fuck it up with something that is human to do. I'm human, I have needs. Its been months, I don't know if that was God's gift to me or the Devils bait. I'm working so hard on myself to get my shit straight. I try my hardest to do the right thing and be an example to my brother and pride worthy son to my mother and what do I do? How do I repay her for all that she's done for me? this is how?..makes me literally wanna cry...but tears have no value...and neither does anger...all I can do now is hope I pulled out in time...
Funny how irresponsibility can leave one's future within the confines of a few seconds...
"Making a mistake I fail to learn from"
Dear God,
I know that there are reasons for your actions even if you never show them to me. I know you won't lead me anywhere you can't protect me. With that said, all I can do is leave it in your hands as you walk with me...
amen
my friends say we're fine, nothing to worry about...but I don't know if that is your plan...
-Hazey
1 comment:
Woah! I sooooo know the feeling you're feeling. I hope it works out.
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