Friday, December 26, 2008

I finally finally finally finally think i did it

I think I finally crossed that void
I think I may have finally allowed myself
to just put it out there
I think my heart finally is to speak again
I think I may actually be able let it go!
I think the lingering pain is finally numbing
I think I'm finally allowing myself the ability to finally!
put myself back together...it feels good!
and honestly I hope that it can only get better :)

ps thanks for wanting to help...you did alot without lifting a finger

Love Letter to the broken

You gave it your best run,
let it go.
You gave it your all,
let it go.
You sent your words to my eyes,
you sent your message to my legs,
you sent your Phone call to my bones,
you left voice messages to my peace of mind.
You have showed me that you meant it.
You have shown me that you didn't deserve,
what happened.

When that day finally came you showed the side you promised me you would.
When the chips were down and all looked lost you didn't crack,
you held it together.
You have done your dirt, you have dont the things you said you never would.
You have no regrets.
All I want to say is

I'm proud of you,
-HaS

the last drop of doubt

sometimes i just have to ask myself
can she really have done that much damage
could she really have left that large of a scar?
i only knew her for so long...how on earth could i have lost it all?
my confidence
my swag
my faith in others
the ability to love openly?
I remember for the longest time all i ever wanted was to just be happy and feel better
when i finally got those tears, when i finally got that appreciation
it didn't matter.....
so why is there doubt left in my mind?

Demons....

I rule your nightmares and conquer your day dreams
turning ever wonderful thought
into what I so may deem
Crawling in the confines of your mind
I leave doubt and despair behind
I leave questions and no answers
Answers to riddles you never even heard
I put that little drop of possibility in your cup of new aspirations
I tug and pull at all of your motivations
and all of your dream driven destinations
do you remember me now?

I think we've met before yes I think we have
that some one who made stay up at night and laugh
through the pours of my eyes
the words my heart can't cry
you were one that tried to fore see the future
with false tales and lies
yes its you, you i do recognize
The one i catch creeping up on me
the one formerly known and as great memory

Monday, December 22, 2008

when the dust settles

Passion, pain, pride, power.
All the things I gain with you by the hour
in your soul, I pray I lay.
I feel like I've made some mistakes.

Recently we've been kind of off
I feel as though I have been REALLY fuckin up.
I feel like I confuse your heart
Like I confuse your soul
Like I don't hold you enough when we finish
Like I don't kiss you enough
Like I don't laugh enough with you
Like I forgot our inside jokes
Like I just nearly lost you.
I've been feeling like I have been losing you for
a while now
To you it may seem to be second thoughts
or doubts
or feelings of thinking of getting out

and For that I apologize
I apologize for everything
I wish I didn't have to go thru this to figure out
how you felt
I dont wanna call you babes...
but Sweethart(thats how i say it...lol) I Love You
I really do
I see a bright future ahead of us
All I need is a sign from you that says
I'm ready...a sign that says I TRULY AM HERE
with you
Today I got that sign
I dont have doubts anymore
I will admit that I did
I will admit I did you wrong
I will admit that I truly am APOLOGETIC

My doubts:

You calling him babes
Feeling like you were still together with him
Feeling like you secretly wanted him and all I was, was filler
Feeling like you were going to leave me at any moment for him
Feeling like I wasn't really what you wanted
Feeling as though you were carrying another relationship behind my back
Feeling as though I can't trust you

My Hopes?

You dont call him babes
That you do just want a friend level with him and nothing more
That you don't give him false hope for the future
That you don't have a secret relationship with him
that you truly truly do love me the way I love you

What I know NOW:

I can trust you...



Let me Fix your heart, But promise me that it will be only be mine....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

sraet

What amount of strength does it take?
What is it that I have to do?
Why is it that it seems nearly impossible?
It seems as though my heart is just ripping up
It wants one thing so badly but it seems like it will never happen
Its funny cuz through the years I never thought
I'd be asking for something so simple
Something that never ever crossed my mind as a problem
Now Its my number hope and my number one dream

Its hard loving a person and knowing you may never
have them. It even harder knowing how hard it is on them
So times a brother just needs a guaranteed Christmas wish
My God would that make my world so much more easier
I will never change my mind until she herself gives up
but until then...its incredibly hard

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Issue con mi corazon

Sometimes i just wonder if everything I do is in vein?
Sometimes I question everything if there really isn't much to
base the question off of?
Sometimes I wonder if I spoke too soon...
I live everyday hoping for the best
I live everyday praying for the best
Yet everyday I prepare for the worst,
No doubts just bad feelings
No second thoughts a heart drop feeling

Sometimes I wish I didnt have such a fragile heart....

Friday, December 5, 2008

Money, Cars, Clothes

Man personally I can't take this shit
I honestly hate the fact that we live in a world
that is controlled by greed
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
You will always need one thing
in this world to survive.
Money!
Do you realize that you will spend
your entire life worrying about a piece
of Paper
(I'm saying this metaphorically cuz we all know money is made of fibers...but anyway)
Like seriously, think about it when we are born we are but promised one thing
Death.
Morbid yes but when you were born did you see anywhere
where there was a dotted line saying sign here and
you can spend the rest of your life busting you ass for
something you might not ever see come to an end?
The fact that 90% of us who are working and driving these big companies forward
ABSOLUTELY could careless about the job itself.
The only reason we are there is because we have basic needs like shelter, water, and food.
We work to survive some of us get lucky and survive to work. Which in my mind wouldn't be to bad. Just the problem is WHY?
WHY? Why do we spend 85% of the year working?
Reason
We have needs.
Someone a long time ago said this plot of land is mine.
and to enforce that sovereignty over that plot of land
they placed government.
The government says okay we'll enforce this but we need
you accept this as payment and anything else we deem
appropriate.
Thus the creation of CURRENCY!
I'm no anarchist. I love the USA.
But I absolutely hate the fact that we as people waste our lives
chasing a piece of material that we can't take with us when we leave.
we came with nothing and we leave with nothing.
Yet we spend our entire lives trying to hang on to something.
*sigh*
I guess thats how things have to be.
-HaS

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

hopes and dreams

Throughout our lives we have dreams in which we hope to come true
they are complex yet simple, small but grand
indifferent and mighty yet sometimes completely unexplainable
and just us they live and breathe and yet again just like us
they also must die(,_,)
"It is the inevitable cycle of exist all things must come to and end, all things must conclude,...take the analogy of the tree that grows in Brooklyn among the steal and concrete with all its glorious branches and leaves, one day he too will pass on its legacy to the seeds it drops to the ground, and as men carry these seeds throughout the land and they take root, a new life will begin for each one of them, AS THEY STAND AS A MONUMENT TO THE ONE THAT CAME BEFORE"
These words scratch at my head as i reflect upon my day today. They scream to me as i remember what was. And remember the feelings of others. We build our entire lives on these dreams. When the die we sometimes lose track of what and WHO we are. Dreams define you yet your heart guides you. Let your dreams live but realize they don't fully die, they just change grow and adapt as we do...;)

I made a promise

(,_,) what does one do when they have made a promise
to keep silent and act like it never happened or
act like it never even phased them?
when in reality its beating at them
and pounding on there mind?
to a point where they just wanna scream
what the problem is
idk....i promised i wouldn't say...
DAMNit (,_,)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

keeping things separate or a secret

I don't know
i have no shame or guilt
but when you sit there and think about it
whats the difference between keeping things
Separate or Keeping things a Secret?
to me nothing really
you hold your tongue to avoid fights
you keep things to yourself to avoid
hurting the other person or to avoid making them mad
so in all honesty, when things surface or
show up later how do u explain them?
what are you to say to the other
what exactly are you to say?
when the other person discover this what are they to say?
what are they to think?
and how do you resolve the doubts that have entered your minds?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Her name is

Just as elegant as I ever imagined

Easy going and bubbly at the same time

Sensual woman so amazing to me

Seeing is believing, she must be a dream

I can't believe i know her I'm so glad to know her

Cause without her I'd be lost and without

Another half. So glad she puts up with my black ass...lol

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Colbie Caillat

I just realized
I really just realized
How and what they felt
I just had to pay attention
i had to watch listen
i understand your side more than you know

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

cracks in my shell

Cracks in my shell

the things that i thought were what wanted
seem to be within grasp
and from there i have to ask
what do i do from there?
with all these goals we set for our lives
what use to us are they?
the turtle who walks amongst the stones has
as many cracks in his shell as his befriended
anchored down companions
he seems impenetrable and almost untouchable
but he never makes a decision he doesn't plan to
follow through with
but when he arrives there whats next?

i'm sitting here collecting my thoughts
on everything i think on a daily basis
being ever careful with my words
i choose to say that i know where i want to be
what i want to do
and even how i want to do it
its just somethings i'm just not used to
i'm not used to having my friends being always there
i'm not used to having a girlfriend who ACTUALLY CARES
i'm not used to this whole college thing

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Always, and Never

Maybe I have met the perfect girl
the problems are completely different than i ever thought they'd be
i mean at first glance you would see what I know
at first glance you'd go after her too
saying damn she's fine
damn she's smart
but every other nigga would turn and run if they knew what i knew
i feel strongly about her
she's worth the fight
it aint about my pride
but on this girl i will not just give up
she's showed me alot about myself in the short time i've known her
from what i should consider in myself to other ways of life
i feel like she's helping to point me in the direction my parents couldn't
not saying she's [God] or anything but she's doing things to me i cant even begin to explain
my heart was confused on things it had never thought of be4
i remember saying to her "I aint what you're used to"
funny thing is...she should've been saying that to me
she makes me smile in ways nobody else ever has
i like it
someone said to us today
"You two are in love"
she responded before i did
"YEAH! We are!"
never had that before
never had someone i knew wasnt going anywhere
never had someone who wanted me there not needed me there
never been able to write about someone like this before

I always used to say i want a girl thats into me as much as i to her
from what i see, she is
I always used to say i want a girl i can be friends and lovers with
from what i see, she is
I always used to say i want a girl that will meet me halfway
from what i see, she does

It scares me how great she is to me
It scares me how close we are already
It scares me i almost let her pass me by

Thursday, October 16, 2008

inside my mind

I dont trust anyone!

honestly i dont...
I have a sinful amount of pride
and have no faith in anyones abilties
i judge people without knowing them
i could careless about others feelings
until i hurt them and see the ramifications of my
actions. these are my thoughts from day to day
i snoop and snoop til i dig up the truth about people
its like i can't help it i must have proof
you say you care well
i'll say i believe you
but you can best believe i'm gonna dig to
find the truth
once i do i hold you to it
if you break it, OMFG for some reason its like
you may never be trusted by me again
i dont know what my problem is really

I question my feelings, my motives, i question my faith
my beliefs, my own self esteem even
I trust no one, not even myself :(
so i walk alone usually
always trapped inside my head asking questions
and searching for answers nobody asks really(unless your a dork or 100% like me)
i see my girl friend
i see my mother
i see my best friends
i see that i barely know what the fuck i'm doing
honestly i do what feels right
i dont put massive amounts of thought into
anything i do really
if it feels right
i do it
if it feels wrong i question it
and most of the time
it feels wrong...
you can ask me a question about anything that has a yes or no answer
and i wont answer you with a yes or no
why....CUZ if you havent already read in the above
statements i question everything and think to much
i'm f'n neurotic and to be honest
i think i may actually be ADD

just by reading my own shit i can see my mind jumping from topic to topic
to topic, idk...:/
yo no fuckin se
literally

:/

Thursday, October 9, 2008

El heroe roto

its hard to be happy when your not normally happy
when you have so much to be grateful for
so much to celebrate
so much to live for
so much to die for
so little to denounce yet so much to announce
my heart is broken still
i have someone who is fixing that
yet its like, why is that I'm still broken
why is it that she has to fix what someone else broke
it ain't her job
I'm broken
i'm lost and confused
i'm one of those people who appears to have their head on straight
who looks like they have their shit together
but on the inside its so fucked up
its hard to focus on anything important anymore
i find it hard to focus on school cuz i'm so damn focused on being happy
on feeling good, on smiling
with her i dont have to try its true she makes me smile with ease
but what about the vast amount of time we arent in contact
the moments of idle time sitting at work making a pizza(yeah *sigh*)
or the moments she's completely asleep and i'm awake
and the times i'm in the shower, taking a shower
i find it so hard to focus on life itself
theres so much i should be doing
but i cant focus on the shit thats on the outside
when everything on the inside is so fucked up
it aint cuz of one person
NO its numerous people
i constantly feel like i'm just a walking through life with stick to the ground
nothing else to guide
i wake up in the dark
sleep in the dark
eat in the dark
and show my love to those around me completely blind
i don't know where i wanna go in my life
i always feel like i'm supposed to do this great deed
or this powerful thing that affects the world
guess thats why i feel like i have to be a superhero
*sigh* even heroes cry

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Melancholy

Melancholy moments of alone time
Those quiet yet loud chimes
Those moments when you just wanna sit
grab a good chair,good music and listen
And just listen and let go of all your shit
no distractions, no reason to pay attention
the outside world can keep moving
me,well i'm sittin
not waiting
just patiently sitting
as if I'm expecting something
that silent moment so cold
yet so warm and bold
as I sit there in my chair listening
I write, no addressee,no intent on writing
just a long quiet moment, no shame, but no jolly
just a simple peaceful moment of peace and melancholy

Sunny

He said some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard
Well I say what made it easier was receiving a card
Or a reminder that somebody cares
Just the little notes that let you know somebody's still there
I guess when I say through all the pain
I lost what had bluntly already gained
I just keep pursuing happiness, GOD I love the chase
I just hope that one day I finally meet it face to face

that feeling

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/

You feel like your fucking up/
Your heart beats' still/
Your back's got chills/
Emotionally your shooken up/
Kinda paranoid wondering what the answers gon' be/
Are gon' stick by my side or are you gon' leave?/
Man I get the verdict and it can't be/
The only time I'm truly happy is in my dreams/
I fall asleep on time, ready to die, ready to leave/
My dreams are happy they are where I wanna be/
I awake late, tired, and unhappy/
Then the pain kicks in/
My mind bends/
My world spins/
And I really can't comprehend/
Why I feel this feeling in my chest/
How long must I wait to get rid of this weakness/
How long must I suffer through such heartache and distress/

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/
And for some reason you know its over but you can't get them out of your head/

I dare to dream

I dare to dream-
I dare to never let anything kill myself esteem-
I have encountered many a obstacle-
I will accomplish what many deem impossible-
I was brought up better than that-
I am what you can never be as a matter a fact-
Who I am is pure pride, passion and "POWER"-
Those who can't go in my direction can just cower-
Because when the light shines on me, during my hour-
I will stand tall and never collapse and have my dreams devour-
The inner me will always stay true-
As true as my families black and blue-
While the world admires whose currently in the booth-
I'm still busy day to day delivering the whole truth-
I say I will make it, using every last breathe-
Nothing will stop not even my own death-


so today(12-29-2007) i was told i cant go where i wanna go to college becuz of money!
and you know what i refuse to let money set me back
so now i'm gonna have to go home to chicago and do 4 years there in business!
after that i can go where i want to
i hate it but damnit i gotta do what i gotta do you know
DREAMS DEFINE WHO YOU ARE
so dont ever let anything stand in the way of what you want
and since i preach it
i will follow it!
i set myself up to get where i am today
and i refuse to let anything stand in my way!
nothing will stop me
not even death...

losing my grip

I used have my mind on grind always on my shit
Now I'm slowly losing my grip
My mother says its growing pains
I call it digging my grave
Constantly feel like I'm stuck on one page
I feel like i'm going insane
My best friend says take it one day at a time
How can I when I'm lost in my mind
I find myself always searching for the answers to questions nobody ever asked
I find my sick and twisted thoughts funny and humorous, i cant help but laugh
I'm losing it, I'm slipping and theres nothing to grab on to
Nothing holding me up nor holding me down with you
somethings in my mind i know arent real as a matter a fact
but i feel like i'm 2 feet deep if fall to 6 feet theres no turning back

the vine

Seems like this is always on my mind-
tick tock click clock no need to read the time-
cuz you never leave the confines-
of this 6 walled box connected to my spine-
and with everything i see you attached like a vine-
a simple touch begins to rewind-
and take me back to a time-
when i put a smile on your face-
yet somehow with your past i’m in a constant race-
to bad i’m always in last place-
i seem to catch up but they seem to change pace-
and while i’m looking at them another quickly relates-
so while i’m not looking he steals the food from my plate-
and leaves me jaw dropped when i look up at your face-
dangerously in love with you, do anything to not be what you had-
take anything i get from you good or bad-
heartbroken, happy or sad-
do anything in the world just see if you’ll follow my voice-
and see that with me you must make the same choice-
yeah i fuck up and make you mad and such-
but when you love someone truly you can never get enough-

what is love

So i been on this lil planet for about 18 so odd years now and I've come across one little thing that everybody can't live without yet can never explain in the same way....simply put the natural necessity for LOVE...yeah that four letter word....the one that some of us are lucky enough to have witnessed and been apart of, yet also the very same victim of....the taker of lives, the starter of wars, the cause of peace, the one thing that can bring you up and break you down...the bringer of life and the cause of death....the shaker of the heart and the calmer of souls....Love is passion in my eyes....something no one can live without...I asked many of people to define love

-Sabrina Bamberger:"Some one you would die for"
-Stephanie Amae: "Love is when you cry at night and you think about them all day long and even though they dont speak to you if you hear they've moved on you smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you want to do is cry.There is no past tense to love either you do or you never did thats love"
-Alison Bell: "That's hard...But I know its much more than a feeling. Its not infatuation. Its a verb and is demonstrated. Its not prideful and forgives. Its patient and kind and rejoices in the truth. Love protects, trusts, hopes, preservers, and never fails. but no matter how you try to define it, its more than words."
-Alejandra Escobedo: "Giving a reason to live life at the fullest with no regrets and having no reason for insecurity sadness and depression. Having that unexplainable goosebumps with no reason. The thought of them in your head"
-Lauren: "It is something that you cant feel or see. Its something felt with the heart. Breath taking. At times it makes you blind to other things that surround you."
-Laura: "Damn I dont even know how to describe it"


Donna Mathieu: Love- the strongest most powerful emotion that nothing can break or bend. Love is the greatest thing about life. There are really no words that can fully define love or how great it is!

Those were all i got as of 4-15-2008

the song on my page is by mary j blige....I been there...being in love....its a great feeling you know...to wake up in the morning and know your loved by someone is one of the greatest things on earth to know in my opinion. I mean your family and friends should always love you...but to be loved outside of that is what we as humans crave and desire. Many of us lose sight of it and think its things like sex, money, power, glory....in my mind those are extentions of love that were taken out of context...Love is the root of evil and the tree of life....Love is something i need in my life i'm starting to think i found it but just not in the way i want it to be...I love many people...but one i love so differently its amazingly painful....like i'd do anything to get things back to the way they are supposed to be....i found the key to get the relationship back but i just dont know if the love is strong enough to spark that flame back and get it burning again...idk...i have the worlds greatest best friend in NY i love her so much its to the point where i cant look at anything and remember her cuz its painful....idk...what does a soul do when it feels like they found what they want out of love yet cant reach it....the soul wants that particular love and nothing more nothing less....but the mere thought of trying seems to just be a failure.....

SO I ASK YOU what is LOVE?
define it...spell it...draw it...express it...show it...tell it...help me figure out if my heart is in the right place... thanks

-H.a.S.-

20sb

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