I Could Be...But I'm Not...

I could be fearful. I could be doubtful. I could be timid. I could be any other feeling other than completely certain. For some reason you give me certainty and hope. Normally I would feel fearful of who you could be. I could doubtful of what we can be. I could feel so many other negative feelings but instead you are all positive attraction...I just...I just know who you are...I am secure in who you are and what we will be...wether it's friends or more...whatever happens between us I'm just happy it happens...


I could be alotta things...


but I'm not..
-Hazey

when i need a reminder

this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God

• I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
• I have gained a sense of self
• I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
• I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
• I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
• I understand my own thought patterns
• no kids
• no criminal record
• a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
• good health
• good looks(i have an ego too you know)
• and EVERY MOMENT  IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
• I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
• I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
• I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
• I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)

though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...

In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...

i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!


But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey

questionable week

so im sitting here asking myself why the fuck is the past resurfacing...i guess i asked for this...

if i could...

id call you...

in a perfect world, you'd pick up the phone...

Life is happening so fucking fast it aint funny... My mother raised me to be a simple man...but my father tried to mold me into a complex person...

which lesson to rely on??

-Hazey

a fools thoughts

maybe she does...

-Hazey

silence

On Twitter, yes I have a twitter (,_,#) let the judgement pass(@Haze_da_General), on twitter one of the trending topics is #bittersweet and low and behold you instantly pop into my mind

I said, "I go anywhere in Atlanta and remember what we did there...now we don't even speak #bittersweet"

thus this post is in someway shape or form justified I guess...

because the memory of you is bittersweet...

For, dear Jesus, years now I've been trying to understand your silence.

I think I've put together a loose group of ideas to help me get past it.

1st off you do not want to admit you were wrong or anything you said was a lie or anything you said and or did was not entirely truthful

2nd We could never be just friends at some point the friendship would turn sexual again

3rd You did something after we were done that would make it impossible to even face me in normal conversation

4th You simply just never want to speak to me again, for reason you judge to be apparent and are directly in front of me

I don't know I hope one day we can at least talk even if its from a distance...2 years is a long time...

I dont need to say it...
hmu stranger
-Haze

Talk therapy.....

It's over and I'm lost

Well not lost in a sense of devastation but lost in the sense that I don't know what to say or do really because of the situation. Everything she said I was feeling too in all honesty I'm relieved about the situation(because I wanted the break up too) but at the same time I'm confused. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It's almost as if all I do is remind girls of their ex boyfriends(saddest thing I've ever said out loud). I mean during the 8 days,insert outstanding laughter at the shortness of the relationship here, I was with her I did nothing but miss Jessica...

Somethings not right and I'll never know what it is no matter how hard I think about it. I feel like I'm disappointed but even I kno that's not what I feel.

Lord help me make sense of this...

How is it that I get with a girl that I'm not attracted to, I don't even like and have barely any feelings for and come out of the relationship with this awkward sense of disappointment. I don't understand what was I hoping for?? A different outcome than before??? Trust? A real relationship? Not only did I not truly trust her I constantly had negative thoughts about what she was doing when I wasn't around...I mean I don't understand why I was with her other than sex and I was getting that before the relationship so WTF?? I have no answers...not one if I ever tried to explain it to people they wouldn't understand because quite frankly I don't understand...I wish I had answers, but I don't...

I need talk therapy, a lot of it...and God, all of him...

-Haze

Forever

I gave her too much power

She could call me at any hour

Delivering to her hearts tower

If she only would pay attention

Shut the fuck and listen Stop thinking with her head and listen to her hearts diction

It's calling for me

And with a little time I can pick up her call

Tell her what's within my walls

She's always been looking for something more

I can give her the keys but she has to open up the door

Move herself in to and feel at home

Listen to my beat and never again be alone

Acceptance is the key that opens up your heart

Sad thing is I'm what you been looking for from the start

I say nothing as I watch you chase a dream without me

But I know you'll never find another man quite like me

You let fear stand between you and happiness or is it worse?

I gotta watch my words cuz I know this hurts

But you put me to the side hoping you can find better

Thinking I'll always be there if you must face the weather

I'm sorry to say this but I can't wait for you, forever...

-Hazey

Nothing to do with Valentines

I went to florida this weekend to see my brothers out there. To put this thought in as few words as possible.

Theres no way I could ever live there! I have good life and it took this trip to really see what I have and what God has done for me. The growth that I have gone through. The place that I am in. I see now what I need and what I do not. Passing up on that life is nothing, yes it could lead to riches but it can also lead to jail time, FUCK THAT!  They are my brothers for a reason. Al is like my aunt I like him but he's headed down a path to high blood pressure lol. Mark is just a dumb big guy who can cut hair and Dre has promise he's just gotta find his way. They all living like I do and any more stress on the situation would make the house of cards collapse. In all three of their house holds.

I will say that they are headed in a good direction for starters They just need to see clearer. I can't steer the lost if I myself am lost. I will pray for them tho.

I am much more appreciative of what I have and what I know now. Also it makes me glad to know that God has blessed me with real friends...

-Hazey

today feb 8th 2011

Today February 8th was my birthday, I was in a good mood and literally in mood to just about anything. I gotta say my mind wasn't as scattered as last year. This year there's only one person on my mind and honestly she knows who she is.

On turning 21, im not sure how to feel really. I am happy of course. The hardest part about turning 21 is the realization that i am 21, ALL the hell I caught over not being 21 is over. I gotta say it feels good. I am and will remain me tho Im not a lush.

To be completely honest I have nothing to say on this post other than I am 21 finally and its almost not a big deal to anyone but me, myself, and I. I need outta here. At least I know and expect no one to give a shit about me. I guess what my mum says is true, only a hand full of the people you know will ever truly give a shit. I guess I shouldn't ask for more huh?

Atleast those mofos on facebook took the time to say happy birthday right??? So for that I am grateful :D
I am grateful for Gavin and Alison for taking me out on my bday. I AM  GRATEFUL FOR MY MOM taking me out on my bday night. I am also grateful for Sabrina's video....touched the heart....I am grateful that my father sent me a text msg this year...better than a facebook msg lol...i am also grateful for living to see this year. I pray that I will see many more.

I dont have a great wish for this year. I dont have a great desire for this year. I dont have a burning itch to do something because I am 21. I dont have a wish for this year which is different. This year I just want my life to go in the direction it was meant to go in God's plan for me.

thats all for now
-Hazey

Monkeys Can't Lie

No words just pure emotion 
Inhale exhale continue floating 
Tell why does this got me wide open 
Playing the same game insane it's got me hoping 
For something different 
Man she's got me tripping 
Slipping and falling down stairs 
Killing me with her smile 
Though she barely even cares 
Just a whisper in her wind 
Doesn't even know I'm there 
 
-Hazey

Greatness

what do you do when you feel your destined for greatness?
standing on the cusp on womens love and niggas hatred?
-Hazey

Conflicted

I am conflicted.

I like you, you are a lot like me, a friend I can't see myself actually losing but anything is possible. Its hard to type today, so excuse the typos please.

I don't wanna send the wrong message to you

at the same time I wanna send the correct one too.

How can I put this? I'm usually great with words but now at this moment I am all but confused.

I can be your friend but that means more space must be used

I don't want to care about the picture that stands

because everyone makes castles in the sand.

Your a lis d fluer yellow is your aroma

I want what I can have that is my glaucoma

visions of what I want are blurry and fuzzy with burn marks around it

the smell of whats real is haughty yet your smile surrounds it

how do you give up when you've barely even started yet?

move on like yesterday and the day before last i guess

when its all said and done my path is restricted

go or stay its all just conflicted

-Hazey

Not heeding ones own words

Hahahahahahahah

So I misheeded my own words, today. Glad that wasn't my new resolution. I was told off by an exes new boyfriend...lol...I know, why was I talking to her? To be honest I just texted two letters "hi" when her bf responded I said, "nothing just saying hi ...how are you? happy new years". Stupid right?!  The first thing on my list too! Oh well to be honest I didn't even expect a reply considering I haven't spoken to her in months.

But I was atleast pleasant to the following response lol from his single response I can see so much is  not funny. It actually makes me wonder what I was like when I was jealous or felt threatened by another man wanting my woman. Was I irrational? I mean seriously the guy talked as if I knew something. Like there was some information that he knew I knew which in fact I didn't. Glad all I did was laugh and say nice to know. I don't know when a man acts that way from what I remember it means, "I'm not sure if I have firm grip on her heart yet. Go away."

So after literally having to conceal my laughter all day, I've come to the best conclusion. Hahaha he's threatened by me. I mean I know I flipped ape shit when another guy hit my girl up so I see why it happened. A confident man wouldn't have to tell me "she wakes up next to me."

I was kinda flattered lmao. In all seriousness God has been talking to me for a long time.
And I learned that when the lord delivers you from something don't you dare go back to it. I should have heeded my own warning  I knew what I knew then actually the same thing that I know now, DON'T!

Fuckin hilarious and but definitely not a lesson that needed to be learned.

Now with all that I don't have to feel guilt anymore...and being where I am I think the deliverence from that situation was definitely for the best. There were reasons for God's actions even if he never shows you. I remember all to well the emotional turmoil I was in with that person and the amount of stress that was on that person as well. I'm glad it worked itself out for the best.

After it all I've begun where I left off. Thinking about heading to NY, what am I saying I already applied to two schools in New York.

I've got my associates degree, I'm working, I have a car, a roof over my head, I maybe single but I'm happy. If it weren't for the things that transpired I would still have that very dark demon over my shoulders. Learning that my "highs and lows" as she would describe them weren't my fault. God does have a plan for me...

So I leave with an interesting question

What's worse? Being with someone because you don't know how to be with someone else and unhappy or being single and lonely? I'd pick lonely.

-Hazey

2011 and hypocrisy

Lemme jus say this....and I don't usually go off unless provoked...hence the alter ego Oso

In order to get something you never had you must do something you've never done and its be 17 days into the new year and I am sick of hearing people say is 2011. Bitch I know what year it is...BTW this isn't addressed to one person, I'm a shotgun kinda man I'm sprayin everybody...So here is my list of DON'TS for the new year

1. Don't call your ex
1. an ex is an ex for a reason
2. Dont delete your facebook
1. this is not a life changing event
3. Don't say its 2011 after bringing up old shit and try to move on after the fact
1. nuff said
4. Don't act brand new(this goes for any year tho)
5. Don't make promises you can not keep
1. your word is all you have
6. Don't lead people on
1. liars never prosper
7. Don't be a smut
1. just don't be nasty, just cuz you can get it dont mean you should
8. Don't be the fool who fell for the same shit they fell for last year(hence number one)
1. dumbass
9. Don't say your making life changes just to delete your facebook and turn around in less than 6 months and make a new page
1. if you are a drama filled person deleting facebook wont eliminate the drama if anything you are doing the rest of the world a favor and savin us the hassle of reading about it
10. Don't be an asshole(this goes for me as well...lol)
1. be nicer, that is my new years resolution
11. Don't keep telling that same friend your going to hang out when you know good and damn well you aint gon chill with them, just be honest 
1. again liars don't prosper, just take the time to let the person know that you don't wanna chill with them definitely saves you the hassle of coming up with excuses...super duper utlra flexing ass nigga
12. finally if you are going to make life changes you DO NOT BRAG ABOUT IT!
1. I'm making changes to my life without flexin on the internet about it....if you are changing just change...you do not need moral support to change....

til next time

-Hazey

Love is Corny

She said something in response to my words. "I think love movies are cheesy/corny" She responds "I guess it depends on your views of love"

So here is what erupted from that thought, my last love was the best point of reference because she's the only person whom WAS in love with me...

Being in love was like being on an island. Circling around the same subjects, some good some bad, not because I didn't understand the bad but because the problem was never truly solved. I felt like I was trapped in an ocean of their ambiguity.

Yes, an island. What is on the island depends on who you are in love with. I never knew what to do because no matter what I did the same results showed. I felt insane. Like I was trying to solve a puzzle that had no answer to begin with. Nothing to build shelter with but plenty of sunshine when they were were happy. When storms would rage their anger would unrest the seas. Their waves of subtle insults took forever to digest.

My thoughts on love are simple. Don't fall, fly...

Letter to my ex

I originally wrote you a longer letter but this is much simplier

"you didnt make any promises and you didnt break any"

-Hazey

Dear Bob Marley

Dear Bob Marley

Thanks!

So much love
-Hassan

things I failed to mention

This is a list of things I failed to mention

• Sabrina apologized to me for the damage she did to me years ago
• this was interesting because we don't ever talk about these things. I guess what Chris said made some fucking sense after all. He said to her, "I am not Hassan, I can not love you from a distance." It wasnt until she repeated his words that I understood our relationship for what it was. I love her, she loves me, we love each other regardless of distance. She and I accept one another for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I guess it takes a person from the outside looking in to make some sense of what's happening inside the house of cards itself. 
• I have attained my associates Degree!
• However I have a dilema, if I withdraw from school, I would lose my healthcare coverage and not be able to afford my medication. And not to sound like a dope addict but I need it. I am literally better with it. 
• She likes John Mayer!
• WTF she loves all his music, why do I like the same type of women? Oh well, maybe this one and I can make something happen? Who knows. She told me listen to Why Georgia, gravity, and another song which slips the mind at the moment. She's straight forward which I like because I definitely need a person who gets to the point.
• I am starting to think Diana has a thing for me
• She eats with me and after me, hugs me, kisses me spanish style tho sometimes literally on the cheek, sometimes asks me to stay longer at work with her, grabs my hand sometimes too, she claims to not be touchy feely and not good with emotions but I see through it. She likes me and has my number but shes another cause I cant afford to invest the time into. She is focused on paying her grandmothers rent in mexico. I have no problems with that at all. shit I commend her for it but i can not get tied up with her. I feel like I'd be barking up the wrong tree. Do Not get me wrong Diana has some legs and skin and hair I would destroy given then chance but I just can not invest time into her.
• The pressure of moving is stressful
• this ones self explanatory lol
• I bought a webcam so if you wanna chat hit me up
• Hazey2890 on skype

til later

-Hazey

Letters from NY

The following letters were my thoughts while in New York

Dec 15th

Ny

I've been in New York for literally three days and I love it. So much so, not to quote Geoffery, but literally think about my life and it's direction and what I truly want. I mean life is good and things aren't in a bad position but they aren't in a great place either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am doing exactly what I feared. That is moving places for all the wrong reasons. I gotta change things now. Since I been here handling mine has top priority. The south is slow, the north is fast. Things are much more different than I ever thought they'd be.

I haven't been on my medication :/ yes I'll admit that. The one thing I can say is I notice the difference. My moods do change as the day goes by. It's hard however to distingush what is a normal mood change and what isn't. What I do know is that my meds make me anxious, it speeds up my heart rate, and most importantly it makes me wonder deeply if there is a noticeable difference outwardly.

I knew this trip would be life changing. I found out that I do prefer the traditional classroom setting. I know those words contradict what I used to say but I think my mind has learned what I prefer. I've been at Suffolk for literally two days and I prefer this 100000 times more than my own school. I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess it isn't me but the people. The two friends I got right without the slighest doubt are Sabrina and Andre.

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 15th

Lost in you

I'll give you this much credit. You heal well, you didn't make any promises and you didn't break any. Guilt is what I still feel to this day, you may not wanna say it but you were driven away by me. You cared in some kinda way, those feelings are gone now and they aren't coming back. I still read your blog from the outside.  You are focused on what you want from your life, great.  And I say this with the utmost sincerity.

Losing your friendship hurt more than losing your heart becuase even if I was just a friend atleast I'd hear from you. I know I never trusted you, I know I over stayed my welcome in your heart, I broke it

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 16th

I feel nothing today

Today is strange, so strange, so much so that it bothers me. I don't know why, I just literally don't feel any type of way about anything.

On a lighter note, I fear I'm getting sick again. New York has literally changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I feel about someone loving me for who I am. It's deeper than what appears and shallower than thoughts appear. Still waters run deep. I guess I can be happy that someone somewhere loves me for who I am and that I should be enough. Especially since I don't want anybody close to me yet.

I have a new crush, her name is Gabriela. She lives up here. I wanna move up here but not for her or sabrina for that matter. I wanna move here for the schools. I've sat in a few classes and think they are extremely challenging and I really like that.

I feel bad cuz I've made all these plans with Dre and Boogz and Mausberg, just to flip the fucking script. I guess it has me feeling some kinda way. That's all for now...

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 18th

Guilt, New York, and feeling some type a way

Ladies and Gentlemen I know where I wanna be. I finally can say that with no fears no doubts and without care.

I wanna be here in New York, New York. Why I have no clue, na it's who I met, the people I know. The lifestyle the drive the ability to be me and start over. The schools, the women, the challenge, everything.

The guilt! The guilt comes with figuring out where I wanna be. I've saying for almost 2 years that I was moving to florida. Now that I don't wanna go I'm all kinds of fucked up over the situation. I feel like I'd be fucking my boy dre over with moving to New York. Dre is my brother and I'm sure he knows I'll be there for him no matter what. Just this whole situation has me feeling all kinds of fucked up, now that I know where I wanna be I'm completely messed up and torn on the inside.

The fact that Im sitting at the Gate at LaGuardia is what has me feeling this way, but ten times worse. I mean your brother since we was kids. Coming up together never losing site of what we wanted. Then being placed in a situation like this. I don't know what to say or where to begin with the situation. Emotions are difficult. Often times so much so that they leave a person at a loss for words to describe them. He's my brother, more than words can express I feel like I'm turning my back on him and Boogz. Like I'm just giving up on the situation. There is no woman here waiting for me, there is no dream lifestyle waiting for me, literally there isn't anything waiting for me here, except life.

....damn

....

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Dec 20th

The new year is coming

Gods been talking to me lately and I've been trying to just listen, block out the rest of the world and focus on what's important to him and do what's right.

I gotta say that task alone isn't easy. While listening and heeding his words I learned something bout myself. I learned where I want to be. I must say there's nothing quite like knowing where you want to be, not where you think you are obligated to be. That was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders it nearly made me cry having to leave that place.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would WANT to be in New York. I felt like I belonged somewhere while I was there. I felt like this is what I want. That feeling may not be there when I get there but I really don't care. I want to be there, my best friend is there, my uncle whom is alot like me is there, new friends are there. Challenging schools are there. The life I want is there.

I really hope the medicine helped in guiding my mind to the decision of this. I met a girl whom has had my mind since. I don't want to move there becuase of her, but she just sweetens the pot ;).

I'm just gonna briefly talk about her.

She's got issues just like me, she's beautiful, she models, she is black( to my moms benefit), she's funny, she's got a beautiful smile, she makes faces just like me lol. I don't know her too well but we've been talking...she's got this belly ring :O...yeah lemme stop now. I heard from my bet friend that she has a crush on me so it just made the attraction that much sweeter.

Back to the coming of this revealing thought. I knew New York would be life changing but not so much so that I'd miss it. Not so much that it would make me sad to leave and feel out of place in my own bed. *sigh

Alas, I am home. I have some things that must be taken care of here before I can take on my new frontier. All I can say is that I'm excited about this. I really am.

-Hazey

Sent from my iPod

Hassan Omar Jr

Hope my thoughts make sense

til another post

-Hazey

I fuckin knew youd do this bullshit

i knew youd fucking do this shit...and right before i get there...
you always do this shit...i wanted to say "to me"...you aint do this shit to me...
you did it to yourself...give yourself a barrier...idk...its time i got over you too...
My trip to New York is about to be the fuckin same as it always has been...
a gotdamn waste...idk wht to do...
all i want is my best friend...yet everytime i see you, it aint you!
its you and...I dont need the AND! I didnt fly 750 miles to meet some nigga...
i dont wanna be with you while you are busy not paying attention cuz your too busy on your phone with them...
this isnt a jealousy thing...its just I'm tired of coming between you and the people you are interested in...
I dont wanna be a third wheel...
you say I aint in the way but you literally just dont get it...
i just want my best friend...but its beginning to look like I need to let this friendship go...
because one day somebody will make that step...
and I'll have to disappear...
no matter how much it hurts me to do so...
I have to let you go...

i guess its true, men and women cant be friends...

i'm not sure what to say at this point...

-Hazey