Friday, October 30, 2009

My thought progression- exert from my personal notes and thoughts

Does anybody else see the mental progression of thoughts here????

There comes a point in everyones life when they have held back there words long enough. Seriously I've had enough. 
So here's to clearing my head of you...

I miss you, I do, I miss you a lot, but I've come to see that everything worked out for the best. You are happier, I barely hear from you, but I won't say anything to you because you are happy. I want to see you and hang out with you but I know better than to believe that I'll actually see you. I'm glad you are happy and doing your thing. I'm not mad, sad, bitter, or upset about anything. I know you probably feel like I'll never let somethings go. I already have. You just haven't spoken to me long enough to find out. I miss you but not in a romantic way. I miss the friend I made back when I first met you. Back when nobody would hang out with you really.
I remember you telling me about how the girls wouldn't so much as come get you at times when they got together. I didn't feel sorry for you, I actually liked you for YOU. I will admit I was slightly attracted but that was skin if you know what I mean. You were my friend, I liked that. I wish we could still be friends like we were and hang out, but I understand your busy with your friends and your family and work and school. So am I, but would it kill you to text me once in a while? You used to everyday, now I wouldn't know if a cake landed on your house and swallowed you whole.

I miss my friend Jessica that's all. It's like you break up with me but in reality you severed all ties to me. Is that what you truly meant? I remember saying to you everythings going back to the way it's was before me. Like I never even existed and honestly that's how I feel. 

The when I was with you, I was happy at first. Then I began to feel like nobody to you, you started getting mad at me for wanting to hang out with you like we always did, reason being is because your friends were calling to hang out more often. The whole deal with him, I'll leave alone because no matter how I explain it you'll never see it how I saw it. To be honest I don't care about that shit anyway.
I'm nobody to you now. It hurts because when you say "my friends" it's like I'm not one of them. I'm just some guy you dated for a little while and dumped. I'm literally nobody and honestly you hurt me in two ways. The first was that you moved on and I knew the day we ended everything. The second was the fact that everything that I believed had some common meaning to you and I was always looked over and forgotten. Like I meant nothing...

So there that's the ever lasting scar you left on me. This...this scar, makes me feel like I didn't even affect you. Like I was nothing more than a speck of dust on your shoulder. Like was nothing to get with and nothing to shake off and move on from. Although I will say the last three months were more than what I asked for...nevermind I don't even know why I typed this. You are happy and...and I want you to stay that way. No you don't call, or text, even respond normally for that matter, but I don't want you to start speaking to me out of guilt or because I said something about it. I'd much rather you spoke to me becuase you want to speak to me. Or hang out with me because you actually want to hang out with me, not because I opened my mouth. That would show that on some level I am somebody to you...



I gotta say Im not there at night. Who knows you may miss my phone calls...I'm not there you may miss riding in my car...I'm not there who knows, you might miss me showing up at your office...I'm not there who knows you might actually miss me at be honest I would never might still have that picture of me on your desk (I highly doubt it but hey)...I wouldn't know I'm not there I may have left a scar...if I did I hope it heals soon...I would never know, damn...I hope you do miss me on some level...but like I said I'm not there, I would never truly know...      


Heliotropism said...

I know exactly what you are talkin about! All those feelings, bottled up out of fear of speaking them because they make it that much more real. I've been there... heck, i'm still there! LOL!!!

This person doesn't know what they are missin! Sounds like you are caring, understanding, and adoring to the person you are with when with them.... and even after they break your heart! The next person will be lucky to have you. Just don't let this ex of your's ruin it for the rest... sometimes they have a habit of doing that:) I know cuz I've also been one of those, LOL!

Also, seems like you got good taste in music... that D'Angelo and Common song is my jam:)

HaS the Turtle said...

I would like to think so but, if you ask her she probably know exactly what she's'm not looking to be mr right to anybody really, it's more like if I make you smile then I'm happy,gotta say sometimes I lose sight of that...but hey one day there will be someone else...but for now I really just wanna do me...word that songs the shit!!!!


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