Monday, August 24, 2009

The Dotted line

I gotta say that that was the bottom
hoping for something that I know won't happen
its funny to me how a bit of inspiration leads to a dream
funny how the heart speaks with no words
and how easily it can sway your days
changing your best mood,
That silence in solitude that can turn to tears

After a day of being completely lost at who I am and what I am about I came to some conclusions. Sickness not only fucks up your daily life but also your brain chemistry. I had been on bed rest for about 5 days this past week. Being able to walk around and talk to people feels awesome. I was happy VERY happy before I got sick. Now that my sickness is fading and I am returning to normal physically, I want my damn happy back. I notice it ain't coming back that easy. During my solitude I also noticed what my heart has been searching for so damned hard to find.
For years I have felt alone, and at first I thought it was the absence of a lover. So down that trek I lead myself. What a blinding and truly damaging road that was and still is. My heart is alone but not in love. I grew up so differently than other kids that I have been exposed to. Many growing up in the same neighborhoods for long periods of time, or moving from one place to another but many times going back to one place or they grew up so damn random I can't relate. I grew up in many places. I grew up with Koreans, Mexicans, Dominicans, whites and blacks. I didn't grow up in a small town. I grew up in many cities. I was a military brat at the beginning of my life. I find it hard to relate to people.
I hate walking into a room full of people and being stared at like a piece of strange meat the dog dragged in. Its discouraging. No! I am not like everyone else. I listen to rock, LOUDLY and I'm black and live in the south. I wanna play guitar, in high school everyone had a crew of people that they fit in with. The messed up part was I fit in no where. Not even amongst the nerds man, WTF! I look for companionship everywhere and have finally seen that, I am an anomaly in the equation of what a black man is. I don't talk like, act like, walk like, listen to the same music, think like or even fit the description of a typical black man.
With that said imagine what women see? I mean I hear that women look at me and see one of two things, gay or taken...(-_-), first off I can't stand other men too much anyway so those of you who even let that cross your mind go play with it(that thought of me being gay) in the middle of traffic. Most see that I'm taken, but the truth of the matter is I'm usually single. I don't hit on women alot because well I'd get sick of being hit on everywhere I went. That and I would rather get to know you before I decide to share bodily fluid with you.[lmfao]
The times that stick out to me the most have to be how I grew up and how other men grew up. My father, yeah not a great father, nor a very good one at that to be honest, didn't raise us to be men. To be honest he raised us to be something else. We were never close to relatives, like other people. Never shown how to interact with other men by him. He never showed us what pride in ones abilities looked like or even felt like. He never showed us how to walk tall and be confident. To be honest he didn't show us(me and my brother) what its like to be a man. A man shouldn't have to ask that from his father. My father, a confused native american male, his father left when he was 12 so he didn't know how to raise men. I don't fault him for that, that was not his fault. Just the things my father tried to provide us with separated us from other kids but in ways that made it hard for us to handle other people. Yes, he has been there, but he's just been a figure for many years. Those past 6 years of my life to be honest, I should actually be dead somewhere. Its strange to me when I see other guys getting really into watching football. I'll play it but I don't like to watch it. I find many things that guys do to be so very strange because well my knowledge when it comes to male interaction is very little. When it comes to female interaction its actually the same damn thing. He never talked with us about liking girls, or what he used to do. He honestly doesn't even speak about his childhood.
Anyway all I can say is the lack of similarities with others gets to me such to a level that it affects the way one preseves oneself. As I grew up no matter where I went I was always said to be different. Not like everybody else. After a while a person whom is deemed different wonders where are all the other people out there that are cast out as different from the norm? Or even if those people exist? Am I ever going to fit what women want? Will I ever just be able to just hang with the fellas? It plagues ones mind to a point where they find themselves always discontent not only with themselves but with the world around them.

thoughts for now

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