Wednesday, August 19, 2009

For Last

Its 4:37 a.m. and honestly I have been waking up a lot lately because I can't sleep. Not because I am horny, or hungry, or because of bodily functions, no nothing of anything of that sort. Its never because I have someone or something on my mind. The reason I have been having broken sleep is because I keep hearing songs playing in my head but at the same time, I'd much rather be awake than be asleep.

It was once said by Dr. Seuss -“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” But honestly I'm not in love with anyone. I'm just happy and in love with life again. Its so strange to me...

As for every lover I have lost to get to this point I'm not sad or mad. I'm fucking happy for all of them. They all moved on to other people and for the most part seem content. Dr. Seuss -
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." All I can say is man I have never been so excited to get going on my life's journey no matter how hard or how difficult it may get, I still want my German Shepard, My Harley-Davidson, my own apartment, to be fully trained in two martial arts, and to see the world. I just am happy again and its mind blowing...

Many people don't understand how it feels to finally be free of my insecurities, be free of my doubts, be free of my shame, be free of all dark thoughts that once clouded my judgment and my heart. I know that many people just do not understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and finally see yourself after all these years, it honestly feels like nothing else I've ever felt...

Just to smile again feels so great. To be happy just being me is like God lifted the stress off of my shoulders and showed me things are okay. It feels wonderful to just be me again. To listen to music in the morning and make my bed. It feels wonderful to make plans with literally anybody to go hang out. What feels even better is to make plans with myself and just enjoy them to myself. I am enjoying looking into things at my own will. It took years for me to realize I can't make anyone happy if I'm not happy first...and honestly I wanna perfect me being happy on my own before another person enters my life permanently again. They say save the best for last so with that said finding a person is literally what I wanna do. I wanna go and do me and see this nation and the rest of the world. It would be awesome if I had a companion to go do this with but I guess my dreams and wishes are enough to company on life's short but wonderful journey.


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